9 signs (+ 1 bonus!) you may be a stalker

Have you ever been accused of stalking , but thought “That’s ridiculous! I’m totes norms! I have friends! Plus, deep down the object of my stalking really enjoys my attention!”

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But then… At 11:27 a.m. on a Thursday… when the sloppy ignorant bliss of weed and alcohol has faded into sober introspection, a teeny part of you wonders, “Gee willickers, am I a stalker??”

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As a doctor of philosophy in psychology, I know that these conflicting thoughts can cause great monostress* and distress. Never one to leave persons from marginalized groups without resources for empowerment, I have chosen to share my profound wisdom and support for anyone with niggling doubts about their stalker status.

You are likely a stalker if 2 or more of these apply to you…

  1. The person has blocked you from any / all routes of contact (Facebook, instagram, texting, etc.)
  2. Your friends have expressed – verbally, through uncomfortable body language, or marked silence – their discomfort with your behavior regarding the potentially stalked person
  3. You have asked yourself, “Could this be seen as stalking?”
  4. You wouldn’t want to share with anyone your “process” in contacting / pursuing this person
  5. You “coincidentally” become involved in every open social group they are a part of
  6. The person you are contacting never reaches out to you
  7. You own a pair of binoculars
  8. You have to pick leaves out of your hair after you see them
  9. When you see them they don’t always see you

You are definitely a stalker if any one of these apply to you…

  1. The person has directly or indirectly given all indications they do not want to speak to, hear from, or see you again, and you continue contacting them.

Still confused not sure where you stand? It may be worth a trip across the pond to find out…

Absolutely certain you are not a stalker, but a stalking victim? You don’t have to face it alone!

Stalking Resource Center

Victim Service Provider Resources

Victim Connect

Now let’s get out there and kick stalking in the nards!

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— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*this should be a word, so I’m going to claim it ! 💃

General: Because I have been the receiver of unwanted attention on multiple occasions from multiple peoples, I’m just here to give a claireion call to both parties. #selfless #amazing #magnanimatic**

Alsoooo.. this is my 150th Galloblog post!

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How to read Galloblog by Enneagram type

The enneagram – a personality classification scheme that divides people by their basic fears and motivations – has taken the world by storm. People are obsessed. There are posts about which songs you should listen to , which bible character you are (lolz!), how your house looks, which type of person you should choose to be your partner, which type of job suits you best … all according to your enneagram type!

Wowsers! Is it legit? Is it a bunch of psychological mumbo jumbo? Does it have ties to satanic cults? Who cares! Never one to have a strong voice on controversial topics*, C Gallo is here to exploit the obsession with the enneagram for her own needs.** So for all of your extreme pleasure and to fuel the craze, please see my below recommendations of Galloblog posts according to each enneagram type! Note: I based all of this according the brief summaries of each type provided by the enneagram institute.

Type 1: The Reformer

  • Basic Fear: Of being corrupt/evil, defective
  • Basic Desire: To be good, to have integrity, to be balanced
  • Galloblog post must-read: The good of guilt
If you’re super afraid of being evil, you probs strug with guilt I’d wager!

Type 2: The Helper

Free yourself from too much people pleasing!

Type 3: The Achiever

Don’t let yourself get so focused on accomplishing that you forget to stop and smell the blog posts!

Type 4: The Individualist

  • Basic Fear: That they have no identity or personal significance
  • Basic Desire: To find themselves and their significance (to create an
       identity)
  • Galloblog post must-read: How to be a snowflake, for realz
Follow my simple tips and you really will be an extremely unique individual!

Type 5: The Investigator

You can stop over-analyzing and treat yoself to some daisy-laying!

Type 6: The Loyalist

Be currful the people who are giving you support aren’t just riding high off of your lows!

Type 7: The Enthusiast

  • Basic Fear: Of being deprived and in pain
  • Basic Desire: To be satisfied and content—to have their needs fulfilled
  • Galloblog post must-read: In search of chill
You may need to take it down a notch

Type 8: The Challenger

  • Basic Fear: Of being harmed or controlled by others
  • Basic Desire: To protect themselves (to be in control of their own life
    and destiny)
  • Galloblog post must-read: Pity the fool
Making yourself vulnerable can be a position of strength!

Type 9: The Peacemaker

Hint: this is a sarcastic post. Read if your fear of loss and separation has been turning you into a Dwelling Dwayne!

What’s that you ask, what if you are a Type 7 with a 1 wing? Hmmmm better read all of my posts just to be safe! 😉

—- EDITORIAL NOTES —-

* [snorts]

** Might she be an 8?!

Let’s put an end to pregocative photos

Ima try to say my piece and not get into too much trouble.

I know it’s easy to get grumpy about all the different shenanigans on social media, and I try not to let myself get dragged down into the mud. As a side note, if you are continuously annoyed by 80% of everything you see on social media, you may just not like people.

HOWEVER

There is one behavior on social media lately that I must raise my voice in protest.

These are pregocative [ˈpre’gäkədiv] photos.

I do think that pregnancy and motherhood are beautiful, in like a warm lovely way.. not a steamy hot way. I hope that whoever knocked up these women in the first place continues to find them insanely attractive and is not turned off by their changing bodies. But… I don’t necessarily think pregnancy and motherhood should be sexy… at least not the general public. Why do you need the world to see your enhanced cleavage looming over your enlarged belly? Let *some* things be intimate and private, for the love of all that is decent!

And while I’m on the subject, selfies of you and your baby/child that are obviously 100% motivated by showing the world your sexiness is just as inappropro.. Send those selfies to your baby daddy/mama or SO and let the single available ladies and gent shine, yeah?

What did our moms used to tell us.. if ain’t for sale, don’t advertise?

Okay thank you all xoxoxoxo

-Galloprude

Famous blogger sues boyfriend for squelching her creative angst

-ATLANTA

Famous blogger Cgallo, author of Galloblog, is suing her boyfriend for ruining her ability to write long, rambling blog posts about singleness and casual dating.

“For over 18 months, my god-awful dating life fueled a multitude of posts that appealed to a niche group of angsty singles,” Cgallo stated in a press release blasted to all 17 of her followers on Facebook. 

“Then [the defendant] Max came into my life and has made it exceedingly difficult to feel sorry for myself or be filled with energizing anger,” the plaintiff explained.   

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Galloblog readers seem to agree that Max has really been a wet blanket on the fiery angst that initially drew them in.

“Reading Galloblog posts used to always make me feel like I had my life together, at least in comparison. Now I have to read about science and general life advice? Awful!” One reader complained.

Cgallo is suing her boyfriend Max Powers for $100,000. $40 of that is to compensate for the reduced Wordads clicks on her blog from reduced reader interest after her relationship began, and the other $99,960 is for damage to ego from lackluster Facebook engagements with Galloblog posts. 

Max Powers has not made any official comments on the lawsuit, although there have been rumors that he referred to Cgallo as a “nutto” in private text conversations. 

Until the suit is settled, it is recommended that all Galloblog readers send Cgallo their most bizarre and traumatic dating woes so that Cgallo can be vicariously fueled for more zesty posts on romanticals. 

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Are Trey Kennedy and John Crist related? An expert weighs in

A big question that seems to be tumbling around in the minds of many Christian comedy fangirls is – Are Trey Kennedy and John Crist related?

This is a great question that deserves careful consideration.

My first pass at this question was to analyze the last names of the two persons in question. John Crist’s last name seems to be “Crist,” whereas Trey Kennedy’s last name seems to be “Kennedy.” Obviously, the best way to analyze the similarity between these two is to use the Levenshtein distance, which according to the Wikipedia is “a string metric for measuring the difference between two sequences.

According to the Levenshtein distance provided by the unquestionably reputable planetcalc.org, Crist and Kennedy have a pretty high distance. If my grasp of the Levenshtein distance is correct, this means they probably do not have the same last name. Hmm.

namesimilarity

 

Okay, well what about the origin of their names? To answer this question, I judiciously chose to trust the findings from the first website that Bing’s search engine gave me.

cristnameorigin

Okay, so the original Crists probably hailed from Austria. Let’s see about the Kennedys.

kennedynameorigin

Scotland! By jove, that’s not the same country as Austria whatsoever. But maybe they are close?

austriatoscotland.png

Ohhhhh me! Oh my! I’m afraid they are not. Even though they are both in Europe, it looks like a stroll from Austria to Scotland would take 323 hours! And that’s no traffic and assuming the brave traveler was an excellent swimmer.

Okay, so far this is not looking promising. But surely there are other ways to tell if John Crist and Trey Kennedy are related. Let’s look at their facial similarity match.

cristkennedysimilaritymeter

55%… that doesn’t seem high at all. In fact, John Crist shares much more similarity with this amazingly gorgeous, completely random woman who I’ve never seen in my entire life!

gallocristsimilarity

Alright then, but sometimes siblings don’t look exactly alike, and maybe one of them changed their name to be more fame-friendly. So let’s see — relatives usually grow up around each other. So where did these fellas grow up?

John Crist’s official bio says he grew up in the deep south.

johncristgrewup

A random internet site says Trey Kennedy grew up in Oklahoma.

treykennedygrewup

But wait, sometimes Oklahoma is considered part of the south — so maybe we’re onto something! But wait a minute… The interwebz tell us the deep south is defined as —-

deepsouth

Another strike out.

Alright everyone, so according to my expert-level, exhaustive analyses, it would seem that John Crist and Trey Kennedy …

  1. Do not share the same last name
  2. Have different family origins
  3. Do not have similar faces
  4. Did not grow up in the same area of the country.

 

Based on the facts listed above, I would like to tentatively conclude that they might be related. 

Please weigh in if you have any more analysis ideers!

xoxoxoxo

 

Why You’ve Got Mail is the best movie of all time

On the 20th anniversary that You’ve Got Mail graced the big screen,  my dear friend Lola told me she had seen You’ve Got Mail for the first time and thought it was “meh.”

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  Needless to say, I was horrified. I have watched that movie more than any other, and it fills my heart with joy and wonder each time. How is You’ve Got Mail the best movie of all time ? Let me ‘splain.

  • Friends first 
    • Besides perhaps When Harry Met Sally – another one of my absolutely favorite movies of all time – there are practically no rom coms that let their viewers enjoy so many minutes of the two main characters chumming it up. It adds a realistic charm to their entire relationship. It’s not fiery and sexy, it’s adorbs.
  • Wooing
    • I love love LOVE that Joe Fox spends so much time wooing Kathleen once he *SPOILER ALERT* gets over the fact that his fanciful email girlfriend is the woman who own the business he’s trying to crush. It seems that IRL, most men go for women that are low hanging fruit and are so aware of the desperation of women over age 25 that they have no will to spend any amount of time trying to get to know, much less woo, any one woman. So You’ve Got Mail really shines in championing a man who is so taken by a woman who – despite having zero sexy time ! – captivates him enough that he’s willing to put in significant time and effort convincing her to fall in love with him.
  • NY love
    • Very rarely can a movie, much less a rom com, change my perspective on something IRL. But Kathleen’s feels for NYC gave me feels for NYC. The last time I went to New York City, I felt the charm – deep in my tums (at least in upper east side 😀 ) ! 
  • The magic factor
    • I don’t know what else to call it, but You’ve Got Mail captures that magic that’s missing from modern rom coms. There’s something … lovely … about this story. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy. It makes me feel happier about life and love. That’s what rom coms are for!  

 

 

Okay — your orders are to watch You’ve Got Mail, soak  in the wonder and magic, and agree with me that it’s the best rom com of all time!! Please and THANK YOU 

 

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According to Facebook, women are grossy-gross

I used to completely ignore all advertisements, until targeted ads became a thing. Now I’m not seeing an ad because of random chance, but because some marketing algorithm (or nefarious robot??) specifically targeted me ..because of my own browser activities, stated interests, etc.

Being the natural narcissist that I am, the new targeting strategies have made me intrigued in the ads that are selected for me. I thought it would be funsies to try to figure out what sort of niche marketing demographic I’m in – thinking they profiled me as Hip-but-No-Nonsense-Overeducated-but-Whimsical-Millennial —- but also kind of hoping they would profile me as Skilled-Assassin-with-Heart-of-Gold-and-Exquisite-Taste-in-Whiskey. But! Once I began looking into my ads — I mean realllly looking into them — I was crushed. Social media sites don’t think I’m hip or whimsical, or a badarse criminal… social media apparently thinks I’m a desperate old-maid with several, ehh.. womanly problems. 😥

For example —

desperatesingle

There is of course the ever present, ever mocking – WE KNOW YOU’RE SINGLE, JUST GET MARRIED TO A BIBLE BARRY ALREADY!!!

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flabby

Ouchhhhh on Instagram, no less! Where I post all my pictures… somehow a robot has determined I’m high risk for fat rolls. WOW

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heavyperiods

You don’t know me, Facebook! Get out of my ovaries!

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limppony

Even my poor lil pony isn’t safe! Geeezzzzzz

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pitsweats

This one I took extremely personally. Sweat is healthy and detoxifying, you jerks!!

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facialhair

To add insult to injury, now Facebook just assumes that I’m growing a full beard

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So even when I’m just trying to check up on my friends, get a few lolz for the day.. I’m told that I 1) need a man pronto 2) need to reign in my flab 3) have disgusting periods; probably due to chronic illness 4) have a lame pony game 5) have socially unacceptable pit stains 6) am turning into wolf-man.

This is just in one log-in!! And people wonder why women are so “obsessed” with our looks.. maybe because everyday we are bombarded by images telling us how disgusting we are.

Oh, but don’t forget women — love yourself and be confident!

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John Crist v. Trey Kennedy: A fangirl’s guide

If you’re a single Christian lady who likes to lolz, you’re probably pretty confused about which single Christian celebrity is your true Boaz. On one hand you have John Crist – witty, insightful, creative, but on the other hand there is Trey Kennedy – goofy, youthful, dashing.

Lucky for you all, I have spent minutes carefully comparing the two, side by side, and have included the results from my in-depth analysis below. But before we get started, let me clear up a few questions that keep popping up on my search engine hits —

Q. Are John Crist and Trey Kennedy related?

A. In the family of God, yes! IRL, no.

Q. Are John Crist and Trey Kennedy gay? 

A. No, that doesn’t seem to be the case. But it seems that both use effeminate mannerisms as part of their comedy. Or maybe they’re both a little effeminate.. As the Gallomajer used to say, “It’s hard to tell, not knowing.’

Okay! Let’s move on to the ratings.

Lolz Factor

johncristwins

Both are hilarious, but in very different ways. John Crist’s humor is more sarcastic, witty, satirical. Example –

Trey Kennedy’s humor is a bit more goofy and obvious. Example –

I will admit sometimes Trey Kennedy’s Instagram stories are a tad too “extra” for me. Also John Crist’s actual career is all comedy based, whereas Trey Kennedy’s also includes music.

So, by a photo-finish, I say the Lolz Factor is in John Crist’s favor!

Chrishometer

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Which one of these men will serve as the perfect spiritual guide for you and your family? Oo! This is a tough one. John Crist’s comedy is almost entirely based on poking fun at Christianity, but from an insider’s perspective – he’s laughing with us, not at us. Many of Trey Kennedy’s instastories and youtube videos are about goofy dads and singers… BUT he does have John 3:30 listed in his insta bioWhat is John 3:30 … lessee … *flips through well-worn, super high lighted bible* aha! “He must become greater, I must become less.” Whoa, Trey. Nice. In contrast, John Crist has no scripture references in his bio! In fact, he quotes a song from the secular music band, Nickelback! Tsk tsk tsk.  That seals it – Kennedy is a little more chrish than Crist!

Youthiness

treykennedywins

This is pretty simple – John Crist is in his mid-30s, Trey Kennedy is in his mid-20s. If you want a man who will be able to play with your 6 homeschooled kids in the backyard for years to come.. once again, I think Trey Kennedy may be your man!

Dolla dolla bills

johncristwins

Oh I know you’re not shallow, but you do wonder – will they be able to clad their beloved in purple linen? Well, it’s very difficult to tell. When I googled their net worth, I got these suspicious results —

 

Under review? Pending?? Hmmm… well, let’s see if we can come up with something.. John Crist has a regular comedy tours, and the last time I bought a ticket it was pretty pricey – $30 a pop – for a show at a Baptist church no less! When I googled “Trey Kennedy music tours” I didn’t find nuffin! And although Trey Kennedy has 2x more Instagram followers than John Crist, John Crist nudges ahead in Facebook followers and destroys him in YouTube subscriptions. Thus, John Crist is probably your best bet for a home flowing with milk and honey.

 

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Fashion faux pas  

treykennedywins

The fashion choices of both of these men will inevitably be a thorn in the side of their future wives. Trey Kennedy’s windsuits are tragic, but John Crist’s abominable white belt and croc obsession are truly Gosh-awful. This is also a close call, but I think Trey Kennedy comes out the winner on this one!

Wow.. it looks like Trey Kennedy wins 3/5! Maybe he should be the one to set your cap for, ladies! Get to stalking and let me know how it goes!

❤ – Cgallo

 

— EDITORIAL NOTES — 

John Crist or Trey Kennedy — if either of you ever read this, know that I love you both and this post was written more to poke fun of single Christian women than either of you!

 

Overcoming invitaphobia

Do you enjoy social events, but rely on the invitations of others?

Do you find yourself longing for weekend pals, but tremble at the idea of inviting people to join your activities?

Has your popularity plunged once you became an adult because a large educational institution was no longer forcing you to interact with your peers?

If you answered yes to at least two of these questions, you may suffer from invitaphobia.

invitaphobia_def

If you do suffer from invitaphobia, do not panic. I am here to help you walk through the process of extending a warm invitation to all those friends you’re not sure are your real friends because you never hang out with them.

  1. Decide you want to do something
    • This doesn’t need to be elaborate – no need to get wild and decide you want a party. That is quite advanced and unsafe for anyone suffering from invitaphobia. Start small. Let’s just say your hungry, so you decide to eat.
  2. Pick up your phone
    • If this seems taxing, Denise Austin will walk you through an invigorating arm work out to make sure your arm movement is loose and graceful as you reach for your phone and bring it to your face.
  3. Scroll through your contacts until you see a name that does not make you want to vomit.
    • If there is literally no one in your contacts that meets this criteria, take a nap, watch a Parks and Rec episode, eat 2.75 spoons of peanut butter straight up, and then try again.
  4. Select the “message” option under their contact information. Please see the picture below for details. galloswag_contact
  5. Construct your invite message
    • You can use this simple formula : Hey ___(contact’s name, or preferred nickname)___ ! I’m planning to ___(desired activity determined on step 1)___ at ___(specific location)___, around ___(provide general time range)___. Want to join?
  6. Press “Send”

 

If this seems overwhelming, I have broken it down into baby steps. Today, all you have to do is read this post and share it with everyone you know. Tomorrow, read it aloud to your houseplants. The day after that, just try step one. Then each day after that, try adding one step at a time, until you make it all the way to step 6. If a given person doesn’t respond in a timely manner or can’t come, repeat steps 1-6 with another non-vomity person.

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Please send me your success stories so I can post them and form a safe circle of encouragement!

Stuffz Gallo Likes: Kroger Woohoo! Deals

You are shuffling through the grocery store. Bodies surround you. You suspect these bodies must have faces with eyes, eyes that are human, but you don’t care to look.  At every turn, you are confronted with an abundance of meaningless choices, choices born of oppressive capitalism. Marketing ploys are yanking at your focus, doing everything possible to seduce you into whimsical purchases. Shriveling cabbage is being sold for a gut-wrenching price.

Darkness.

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Then, into that darkness, a peppy flash of yellow catches your eye. Your heart leaps and you find yourself pulled to the yellow before your consciousness has had time to process.

 

As you come closer, your tender bud of hope blooms into a mature bloom of joy –

It’s a Wohoo! Kroger deal!!! coleslaw

 

 

Like that – the bodies become friends, the choices become simple, the marketing becomes silly, the cabbage is $0.79.

Light.

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What makes you “woohoo!”?