Technology – galloblog

Social media in 2020: A lifeless saltine cracker

I used to be somewhat obsessive-compulsive about social media. I checked my facebook approximately 62 times per day.* I posted at least once a day, sometimes 2-3 times. I would post silly stuff about my day, serious thoughts on current events, all my newest and cutest pictures, etc. I would vigorously debate strangers about theology or politics on comment threads whose obnoxious length were only rivaled by CVS receipts. I made long instastories rambling about my ineffective dry shampoo and other deep matters. Even on Twitter – which I always have and always will despise for it’s lack of depth and proclivity for promoting unbridled hostility – I would sometimes scroll and get incensed about whatever was incensing that day.

I began dating a social media dud** a few years ago. For over 18 months, I soldiered on with my social media OCD. When COVID19 started ramping up in the U.S., both my twitter and facebook became so saturated with zany posts I could feel the stress rise in my body every time I logged in, but I was having a super hard time not logging in since I was also effectively (albiet temporarily) laid off with pay. So I gave my boyfriend the password to my facebook and twitter accounts (yes I had 2) and asked him to be my meanie-pants social media gate keeper. He has performed this role with a disturbing but effective gusto. I have probably logged in — 6-8 times in the last two months. When I do, 95% of the 30-40 notifications I have*** are completely boring and not even related to me (e.g. “Joe-Joe added to his story” or “Your mother commented on your brother’s post”).

I am struck with how I have missed almost nothing, and gained the self respect that comes from restraint. Dignity! LIFE!

What used to be a delightful tiramisu has turned into a lifeless saltine cracker.

Okay maybe I’m being slightly dramatic. But it has been nice and I feel kind of amazed that I found it so rewarding not that long ago. But now, even Instagram, the one social media platform I kept because it tended to be light and fluffy and happy, has started edging into facebook/twitter taking-itself-too-seriously territory. The pictures are mostly okay, actually, but the stories are so full of virtue signaling and pedantic lectures on polarizing topics that I can go through an entire day’s worth of stories and realize the best story was an ad for sulfate free shampoo. (Quick disclaimer: I love deep convos and I’m not afraid of discussing controversial topics with people who actually care about my opinion, but I think social media is the absolutely worst place to express them. )

Should I ax the gram, or keep at least one connection to my interweb friends? What an important decision! I will flee to the woods for thoughtful meditation. But one thing I won’t do is create a post on facebook asking everyone what I should do. Success? !

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*Estimated by the Gallonoggin

**This is the only things he’s a dud about, trust me. Yowza!

***What can I say.. #popular

New app ranks family members to help you plan family gatherings

Are you exhausted from trying to schedule your family gatherings? Do you often regret planning events that only your least favorite family members attend? Studies show you’re not alone. Gallo Research Institute estimates up to 130% of families experience deep distress around the holidays, mostly due to scheduling snafus.

Thanks to a new app ToodleDoodle that is partnering with scheduling app Doodle and task management app Toodledo, families can now seamlessly plan their holiday gatherings. Family members can not only enter their available times, but ToodleDoodle uses advanced algorithms that allow the organizers to choose gathering times based on the availability of family members weighted by their importance. That way, families with the most cute grandkids get top priority, and single family members over age 25 with bad cooking skills will not skew the scheduling toward undesirables.

Look out for the 2020 version, ToodleDoodlenmo. This app will synchronize with your Venmo account so that family members can enter how much they were planning to spend on each other. The app will then just redistribute the money accordingly. For example, if Uncle Joe was going to buy you a $20 gift, you were going to buy Aunt Diane a $10 gift, and Aunt Diane was going to buy both of you a $5 gift, then Aunt Diane pays $0, you pay $0, and Uncle Joe gives you $5 and Aunt Diane $10. We think? That’s what the advanced algorithms are for! The point is, pesky gift shopping will be a thing of the past.

Download today!

According to Facebook, women are grossy-gross

I used to completely ignore all advertisements, until targeted ads became a thing. Now I’m not seeing an ad because of random chance, but because some marketing algorithm (or nefarious robot??) specifically targeted me ..because of my own browser activities, stated interests, etc.

Being the natural narcissist that I am, the new targeting strategies have made me intrigued in the ads that are selected for me. I thought it would be funsies to try to figure out what sort of niche marketing demographic I’m in – thinking they profiled me as Hip-but-No-Nonsense-Overeducated-but-Whimsical-Millennial —- but also kind of hoping they would profile me as Skilled-Assassin-with-Heart-of-Gold-and-Exquisite-Taste-in-Whiskey. But! Once I began looking into my ads — I mean realllly looking into them — I was crushed. Social media sites don’t think I’m hip or whimsical, or a badarse criminal… social media apparently thinks I’m a desperate old-maid with several, ehh.. womanly problems. 😥

For example —

There is of course the ever present, ever mocking – WE KNOW YOU’RE SINGLE, JUST GET MARRIED TO A BIBLE BARRY ALREADY!!!

Ouchhhhh on Instagram, no less! Where I post all my pictures… somehow a robot has determined I’m high risk for fat rolls. WOW

You don’t know me, Facebook! Get out of my ovaries!

Even my poor lil pony isn’t safe! Geeezzzzzz

This one I took extremely personally. Sweat is healthy and detoxifying, you jerks!!

To add insult to injury, now Facebook just assumes that I’m growing a full beard

So even when I’m just trying to check up on my friends, get a few lolz for the day.. I’m told that I 1) need a man pronto 2) need to reign in my flab 3) have disgusting periods; probably due to chronic illness 4) have a lame pony game 5) have socially unacceptable pit stains 6) am turning into wolf-man.

This is just in one log-in!! And people wonder why women are so “obsessed” with our looks.. maybe because everyday we are bombarded by images telling us how disgusting we are.

Oh, but don’t forget women — love yourself and be confident!

Interwebz Slang Guide

Ladies and gents, and those who refuse to categorize themselves in bigendered terms —

I recently had to explain to someone — only ~3 years my senior! — the definition of dtr. I was embarrassed for them that they had no idea what I was talking about. Then I polled my Instagram followers, and I was again alarmed that as many as 30% of my peers admitted their ignorance of what dtr stood for.. dtr, y’all! If people on INSTAGRAM — the hippest of the hip, the youthest of the youths! — haven’t heard of dtr, my heart quakes for Facebook users, especially those born prior to 1983.

Because I’m kindhearted and like to educate the unhip masses, I decided to throw together a quick and dirty reference sheet for those of you who wander the world in blind, sad ignorance of the meaning 84% of acronyms, terms, abbreviations, etc. that youths are using to communicate.

Stay lit!!! – Dr. Galloswag

Here ya gooooooo* —

Acronymsies

4L – for life (e.g. #glutes4L after leg day is proclaiming your undying commitment to a tight tush!)

my b – my bad

bc – because

brb – be right back

btw / btdubs – by the way

dth – down to hike? ( 😉 )

dtr – define the relationship

ftr – for the record

ftw – for the win

idk – I don’t know

ily – I love you

ikr – I know right

lmk – let me know

omw – on my way

smh – shaking my head

wyd – what you doing

Terms

basic – mainstream ; unoriginal

extra – too much ; trying too hard ; dramatic

Gucci – cool, chill (in a sentence: “I’m so sorry!” “It’s Gucci”

lit – awesome, cool

woke – being aware, usually in context of social justice issues

yeet – exerting effort

Abbreviationz

awks – awkward

cas / caj – casual

cra cra – crazy

deets – details

fo sho – for sure

ru ru – rude

per uje – per usual

thx – thanks

totes / totes mcgoats – totally

Super Chrish

chrish – Christian

ptl – Praise the Lord

tgbtg – to God be the glory

…. Also note that adding unnecessary “os” and “ies” and “z”s is another way to stay wit it. For example: this blog posties is donezos, pplz!

Younguns — please feel free to message me with suggestions!

Olduns — please feel free to print and laminate to keep by your rolodex when you are talking to your offspring on the telephone! 😉

— Editorial Notes —

*I omitted some of the more raunchy slang terms that I know, bc Galloblog is safe for the WHOLE famz! Look ’em up on urban dictionary!

Georgia drivers could be ticketed for even thinking about their phones

By: Rebecca Hale

Updated: Jul 2, 2018 – 1:07 PM

ATLANTA – Even as Georgia drivers are still adjusting to Georgia’s new hand free law, some lawmakers are still not satisfied.

driving — This man could be fined up to $200 if he doesn’t keep his head out of the iCloud.

Daniel Shapper, spokesperson for Heads UP Georgia, explains. “Although HB673 was a step in the right direction, we now want to get to the root of the problem.”

There is a new amendment proposal to HB673 that is gaining traction among public safety advocates. If the proposal passes, Georgia drivers will be penalized for even thinking about their phones, text messages, or even thinking about people who have texted them in the last 48 hours.

“We have to cut the snake off at the head.” – Daniel Shapper, Heads UP Georgia

Proponents of the HB673 amendment hope to utilize cutting edge neuroscience techniques and innovations in bioengineering to install roadside brain scanners that will be able to identify – within 0.2 milliseconds – whether or not a driver is thinking about anything related to their phone with up to 97.3% accuracy. If any phone related brain activity is identified, the driver will receive a $200 ticket in their mailbox within 24 hours.

trafficcam — This ain’t your grandma’s traffic cam, folks.

Many Georgians have bristled at the idea of live brain scans that are paid for with taxpayer dollars. “This is a level of invasiveness that far exceeds the responsibilities of the state as originally outlined by the Georgia constitution,” said state representative Benny Hall (R- district 18). A group of activist mothers who call themselves Mothers Against Driving Scans (MADS) worry that the live brain scans will give their children autism, severe disobedience, and spontaneous diarrhea. Others are apprehensive that this could expand into other areas of public life, so that brain activity related to any illegal activity could be tracked and used for data sharing, or worse, become grounds for arrest. “What if I accidentally remember a scene from the movie Logan, and it’s perceived as excessively violent ideation? It’s a slippery slope,” asserts Patrick Louise, a full time student at Georgia State University. At the time of the interview, Louise was protesting just outside the Georgia capitol grounds, and held a sign that said “Keep Georgia Off Your Mind!”

Shapper and Heads UP Georgia anticipated backlash against the HB673 amendment, but are committed to pushing it through the next legislative session. “If we’re going to keep our neighborhoods safe, we have to cut the snake off at the head,” Shapper says.

One thing is for sure, Georgia drivers better buckle in for a bumpy road of political warfare.

Signal to Noise

There are Christians, both throughout history and currently in countries like North Korea, who have been imprisoned or even killed their faith… even when they had very limited access to the bible — and sometimes almost no formal preaching. I remember hearing a story once about Christians (in China, I think?) who kept the faith through extreme persecution by passing around a shred of the gospel of John.
Yet here I am – feeling the need to almost constantly listen to sermons and worship songs, or read my bible and Tim Keller books, just to maintain a bare minimum affection for God. Why is it so difficult for me to believe when I have unprecedented access to the best sermons, Christian music of any genre, and theological books that have tackled some of the most difficult questions of life and my faith? And it’s not even like I have some tragic life to push through. Yes, I have disappointments and failures and mini-heartbreaks here and there – but all together, I have an absurdly blessed and easy life.

So what’s the deal — are these Christians inherently more passionate than spoiled little millennials such as myself?
Not to minimize the great faith of Christians who are persecuted or martyred, or make excuses for little ol’ me, but I wonder if – despite having an overall lower access to truth – something that helps set Christians in history (or Christians in other countries) apart from Christians like me is an enhanced signal (truth) to noise (deceptions, distortions, distractions).

Yes, I have an unprecedented opportunity to research and study the word of God, and connect with Christians all over the world. But I also have an unprecedented opportunity to binge on tv shows, drown in information from podcasts, and be torched with opinions from wagging tongues all over the world. Noise, noise, noise.

Set in this context, the truth signal – although drastically increased – is still struggling to just blip above the noise threshold – which has also drastically increased. Technology has simply turned up the volume for everything – background noise and signal alike.

Well, lucky for me/us, signal to noise is a ratio. Which means I have more than one way to change the overall value. I can work on the ol’ denominator and make strides to reduce the noise. Go on “unplugged” walks without my phone, turn off the radio when I’m driving, set aside time to meditate and pray each day. Or, I can work on the ol’ numerator, and increase the noise. Listen to Ben Stuart podcasts during my commute, seek out mentors who speak nothing but hard yet joyous truths to me, commit myself to Christian community and actually *studying* God’s words. Or a radical third option would be to do both – reduce noise and increase signal! ⚡️⚡️⚡️

Technology isn’t inherently good or evil, and it’s here to stay. Yes, we can try to embrace the way of the Amish and reject it completely because it has the potential to bring harm into our lives. Or we can think of it as a tool that we can harness for good, and discipline ourselves to avoid the drawbacks.

May we all do all that we can to keep the flame burning in our crazy, ridiculous, often-wicked-oriented hearts 🙂

C. Gallo accused of textual misconduct

Several of C. Gallo’s former friends and estranged relatives have accused the famous blogger of multiple counts of inappropriate texting behavior. Some of the allegations span back to 2005, when she received her first Nokia cellphone.

“I would text Claire to invite her on a date for Friday night, and she wouldn’t text me back until Saturday and pretend she had just seen it,” disclosed one man, who asked to be given the pseudonym “Gallolover4L.”

Even members of C. Gallo’s own family came forward, claiming that she rarely responds to group texts. “C. Gallo mutes group texts with family- I checked her phone once when she left the room without it,” said her sister, adding, “She also takes way too many pictures of herself in the car.”

Other complaints centered around C. Gallo’s liberal use of millennial slang in her texts. “…’I don’t feel like talking rn’? She doesn’t feel like talking to a registered nurse? … ‘Totes McGoats’? Is that a new type of handbag? … ‘Your vacation pics are giving me fomo’? Is this a disease?” her Dad asked, scrolling through his text history.

Recently leaked footage from traffic cams show C. Gallo engrossed with her texting and missing entire green lights at some of the busiest intersections in Atlanta, prompting a Tweetstorm against C. Gallo. The critics are organizing around the hashtag #TrueTextsWait

The accusations came as a shock to the elite blogging community. C. Gallo has long-been touted as an advocate for Android users with restricted emoji access, and is admired by many for her lightning-fast text replies.

At the time this article was written, C. Gallo was not available for comment.

Why I decided to take a step back from Galloblog

Friends, family, random interweb creepers, and international bots— you may have noticed that my rate of publishing has decreased dramatically.

It’s mainly bc I have no more ideas worth sharing.

I’m tired of posting things just for attention.

I don’t have anymore random thoughts that make me laugh, that I feel compelled to share with you.

I’ve matured past using this blog to procrastinate.

…

*laughs uproariously*

Basically all of that is false.. The strange truth is, I haven’t had a laptop since I quit my last postdoc, and until my new one comes in, I’m bumbling around on my tablet. It is a huge pain .. This one dumb post has taken me like 26 minutes and 33 seconds to write. NOT WORTH THE EFFORT, know what I mean green bean?!

Until my amazin’ raisin laptop comes in…

Yours (yes, you!!) forever (!),

Galloswag

How an every day hero changed my life

There aren’t many heroes left in the world.

There aren’t many people in this modern age I can point to and say, “That kid has gumption.”

There aren’t many people who think outside the box.

When everyone else is saying “Just take the easy way out,” there’s one man who pipes up and says, “Hey! There’s another way. Just follow my lead!”

When I enter in an address, google maps gives me the low down of how long it will take and all the steps involved for taking a car or public transportation. This is the easy way. The basic way to travel.

And then there’s this guy.

No matter the distance, that guys grabs his hiking stick, throws on a backpack, and is ready to go. It doesn’t matter if the hike will take 2 hours or 7 days, he is always there to present the bold and sassy option to go á la pied.

I used to snort derisively at his unrealistic suggestions, but now his plucky little spirit makes me blink back tears.

Thank you, sir – for showing the way. For suggesting the impossible. For always being ready for a challenge. For your saucy indifference to hardship.

May we all inherit even a smidge of your spunk.

Namaste.

Claire-voyant Speaks: The future of the interwebs

In 57 years when the Galloswag is a zesty, swoll old maid, we’ll look back on these tumultuous times and refer to them as the Wild Wild West of the Interwebs. Right now, anyone can post almost anything willy nilly with very little repercussions. Enjoy the exhilarating freedom while you can, my bold babushkas.

I consider myself to be a bit of a Claire-voyant,* and I see interwepolicing in our future. I betcha the Authorities will set up sites to be more like physical property – some public spaces that pretty much anyone is welcome to wander into, as long as they follow basic rules of conduct. BUT sites with certain types of info will require clearance – or recommendations, maybe – that is based on who you are, your conduct on other sites, your reasons for wanting &/or using the info, and perhaps where you live (e.g. Israel sites may not let Pakistan have access to any of their sites).

I can also see us being restricted to a narrow range of acceptable topics to discuss on social media. Because, you know, triggering, micro-aggressions, image-vomiting of engagements, weddings, and babies, etc. will be psyche-shattering for the milleniascamps.** Instead of Google’s demure suggestions (e.g. “Did you mean ‘Ted Nugent‘?” when you type in “Ted Nugget”), there will be a hyper-aggressive system that liberally auto-corrects our posts (e.g. “You meant to say ‘Thank you for sharing. I respect your opinion.’” when you type “Fudge*** you!”).

My last rando prophetessing: I think social media will be increasingly nosy. Already, my phone will say stuff like “You’re at Times Square, a popular place to post pictures. Want to add one of your own?” In the future it will be like “You haven’t tagged Jo-Jo on any meme posts in a while. Are the two of you still friends?” SPOILER: No! Jo-Jo is dead to me!!!!”

So.. hmm. If I began this post with a clear point, it has been lost. Thus is the life of a Gallosage. I will sacrifice coherence on the altar of brilliant creativity!

But wait! I must say- don’t resign yourself to this invasive interwepolicing. Creeper Ags in Minority Report said it best-

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*teehee

** aka children of millenials.

***Mama sez not to swear.