romance – galloblog

A great date does not make a great mate

When you’re single, you have the opportunity to go on tons of dates. When you first begin dating, which usually coincides when you’re young and overly prone to overly romantic notions, it’s easy to take things too seriously. You over share on a date and savor each ”lol” text because it’s all so new and exciting and special.

After about 5 .. or 10… or let’s be honest.. 15 years of dating around casually, intermixed with a few serious adventures that ultimately failed, you get good. At dating. You know what to say to get someone to agree to go in a first date (spoiler alert- it’s usually to suggest something ambiguous so they don’t have to overthink it). You know just how flirty and interesting to be on a first date. You learned to impulse control so you don’t text your potential boo 30x a day while they’re at work. And let’s be perfectly honest, you learned how to not care so much. You learned how to pull back and keep your expectations at bay and not try so hard that you lose your dignity if they’re not interested.

And for some people, this is where they stay. They master the art of catch and release, but at the end of the day they wouldn’t even know how to prepare a fish even if it was perfect and they were starving. Gross analogy but you get it.

But to be good at healthy relationships, being good at dating is a major detriment. You need to invest, put yourself out there, and care an embarrassing amount.

I share this because when I was dating, I went on some amazing dates. But some of those amazing dates were with people that were the most ill fit for me. When I started hanging out with my now husband, we didn’t always go on amazing dates. He didn’t always take me to the fanciest of dinners or most elaborately romantic outings. His conversation topics were often funny but quite strange. He didn’t try to artificially push romance into every moment. We did normal stuff. I helped him paint his garage. He helped me put together my new dining room table. We made doggy cupcakes for his dog’s birthday and he spontaneously wiped some frosting off my face with the perfect amount of tenderness. That was the romance. And yes sometimes we went to an art museum or a play or something cool, but those moments weren’t artificially propping up our relationship, hiding our lack of true connection with grandiose moments and sticky sweetness. They were real.

So, if you’re dating right now, don’t get too good at dating or limit yourself to other people who are too good at dating. Try to make space for real connection that can’t be forced or rushed.

Free to love (freely)

About oh .. 51 days ago, my best friend and love of my life asked me to marry him. (In classic Gallo weirdness, I said “si!” instead of yes.) It was the best of contexts – at the top of a mountain after a glorious hike. His proposal was the perfect mix of silliness and deep sincerity, and it was the easiest answer C Gallo has ever given.

Actual pic of the event. I was so amazed when a little cartoon heart popped out of the ring box!!

The type of happiness that filled me was a unique sort. The other most significant event in my life where I felt incredibly happy was right after my dissertation defense, but that was the happiness that comes from a heavy, ever-present burden being suddenly lifted. Being engaged might be a tiny bit about the removal of the “burden” of singleness (although I actually enjoyed being single for most of my life), but it’s much more about the addition of something awesome and literally life changing. Sure, we dated for 2+ years, so you might think that a “long-term” dating relationship is similar to being engaged. It is absolutely not.

Pretty much all my other dating relationships that lasted any length of time required vigilance to suppress my exuberant heart and wild expectations. I always had this stern voice in the back of my head telling me to pull back, curb my expectations, and keep enough mental and emotional distance so that I wouldn’t be completely distraught when the inevitable end came. Even if that inevitable end was initiated by me, it still sucked.

A stoic I am not.

But being engaged! It is no longer weird or creepy to think about the future. It isn’t even weird and creepy to talk about the future with the very man I want in it! It’s even.. recommended?! I don’t have to worry that I love him too much or want to be around him too much. For the first time, the depth of my feelings and inner commitment are not an inverse measure of how miserable I will be down the road, but a measure of how happy I will be down the road. Craziness!

Granted, at some point while dating my fiance I said to myself “Girl, if this ends you are going to be a total mess for a loooong time. But whatevs. He — and this zany, amazing, heart lifting relationship we have built — is truly worth it.” So even though* I was pretty terrible at tempering the wild romantic within me as I dated my forever Galloboo, there is still a difference that now there’s nothing remotely foolish about it. And that is incredibly joyful.

This may seem a rather awkward transition, but I can’t help but connect this whole experience to my faith. Being engaged hasn’t made me forget other men I dated or even how I felt about them at the time. Now, the sadness or angst I felt during/after those relationships is no longer tragic but kind of .. humorous? I look back at myself sobbing over some idiot and I want to tenderly pat my shoulder and say “girl, you have no idea. Keep it moving.” I wonder if this is what is meant by “there will be no tears in heaven.” That statement has been speculated to mean we won’t have memories of anything that happened on earth, because there’s no way we could remember all the sadness and angst of our lives and not cry. I disagree. I modestly propose that perhaps we actually will remember – everything. But, in the face of our one, complete true Love the contrast with our former sadsies and angsties will not subtract, but add to our joy.

❤

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*or because of? Hmmm…!

Are you unequally faceboked?

It is with great heaviness of heart I report a recent phenomenon scouring the Christian community: couples who are unequally faceboked. You know who I’m referring to – she publicly proclaims her love for her boo every Birthday, anniversary, and father’s day, but he hasn’t logged onto facebook for 17 months. Or his profile picture features their wedding photo, but hers still features her face and the shoulder of a high school boyfriend.

Many couples struggle with mismatched facebook activity. It can create a discordance that ripples into their actual lives. Many men report feeling “extreme sorrow” that their girlfriends or wives cannot appreciate a witty meme they have shared because they’re so disconnected from the online community. One man complained, “I put my heart and soul into a meme, and she just asked ‘who’s that blonde woman yelling at that cat? Is she an ex-girlfriend you’re still pining for?!'”

Women have also expressed frustration when they continually post pictures of their boo with hearts and kiss-face emojis, and their husbands or boyfriends do not even bother to like their post. “I just feel so humiliated. My friends have noticed he never likes our couple pictures. Many have asked if he’s a hired model, or if our relationship is on the rocks,” confided one woman.

If you’re already married and unequally faceboked, the Galloblog staff recommend seeking emergency counseling. If you are in a dating relationship, we strongly encourage you to sit down with your significant other and cast a vision for facebook compatibility. “Communicating concrete expectations is key,” says Dr. C Gallo. It’s not insurmountable if you’re unequally faceboked, but it is a sign of a major problem in your relationship. Dr. Gallo added, “There’s no shame in getting help- sync your activity now for a brighter future.”

^an evenly faceboked couple beams as they peruse their home page. ❤

Nothing in Christianity makes sense except in the light of relationship

Let me begin this post with a profound quote-*

Nothing in Christianity makes sense except in the light of relationship.

-C Gallo, 2019

The relational aspect of Christianity is the overarching story that ties all the aspects of the Christian faith together. If you try to understand any piece of Christianity without it, you will have misguided ideas of how Christian theology should be applied to your own life. Your faith will be stunted.

Maybe this was obvious to every other Christian, but for me it was a game-changer. I don’t want to overstate my own knowledge, but I have a good grasp of Christian theology. I understand the big stuff – the trinity, the fall of mankind, redemption, etc. I even enjoy getting into the weeds of more nuanced theology like eschatology** and predestination. But often, the more I pander to my brain the more my heart checks out. My faith shrivels.

How or why does the relationship aspect of Christianity matter to me?

Relationship gives life to my faith

Christianity as a religion is boring, oppressive, and constraining. It is often harmful and can be used to exploit people. Christianity as a religion will not help you better yourself (for long). It will not give you warm fuzzies (for long). Christianity in terms of relationship, though…! The wildest but perhaps most important claim of Christianity that we claim to actually know – have a relationship with – a spiritual being. THE spiritual being. It isn’t a neat and tidy abstract idea, and it’s not a flawless system of logic. It is [or should be] crazy and scary and exciting.

Relationship affects how I think about oppositions to my faith

I sometimes encounter people who insist on badgering me about my faith. All of them look triumphant if I don’t have an instant answer to any of their misgivings about Christianity. They express dismay at my lack of open-mindedness and refusal to be in a perpetual mode of discovery. I will tell them something like “I’m not sure how to answer that, but this doesn’t necessitate me abandoning my faith ,” or “I’m really not in a place to effectively research every opposition or issue you’ve brought to my attention.” Some have implicated that they pity me a weak-minded, brain-washed child who won’t (or can’t) contemplate all the mysteries of my faith on a flip of a dime.

If they were challenging the conclusions of my last published research article, they would be perfectly justified in this attitude. Scientists should always be open to new discoveries and be the harshest, most vigilant critics of their own theories and data. But Christianity is more than a theory or data points. It’s a relationship. It grows. It involves experiences that build on each other. At some point, a trust is formed. Those experiences and that trust transforms the way you think about all new data.

For example, I have been dating someone for about a year.*** When we first started dating, if someone had come up and told me “I have good evidence that your new guy is a major flake and you really can’t trust him to do what he says,” I would have taken their words seriously. I would have launched an investigation into whether or not that was true. I would have considered halting all romantic activities until I settled whether or not I could trust him.

Now that we’ve been together for a while, however, it would be crazy for me to take them seriously. I wouldn’t waste time reevaluating every interaction my boyfriend and I had in the past year. I wouldn’t ask for us to take a break while I investigated. I wouldn’t even ask him about it. I simply know that they are wrong. Even if the person who told me that believed strongly in their statement, I would conclude that they misinterpreted his actions in the past. It’s not that I’m brainwashed or in denial of any potential flaws, but we have experiences together. At some point, a trust was formed. I have seen him in bad moods and good moods, around his parents and around his friends, extremely sleep-deprived and well-rested, very relaxed and under an enormous amount of pressure. During all of this, everything he’s told me he would do- he’s done. Every event he’s told me he would come to- he’s been there. So it’s not that I’m stupid or blind, it’s that we are in a relationship. And the relationship itself has changed how I view any new information or perceptions any one else might have about him.

Just the same, I’m not going to approach all objections to God in a purely objective or abstract way. I can’t. That does not – I repeat, does NOT – make me a brainwashed buffoon.

Relationship affects how you think about being good

This is probably one of the most misunderstood features of Christianity – the “good deeds” issue. It’s widely recognized that Christians should, in theory at least, be good people. Yet a major tenant of Christianity is that humans are already so deep in the pit of imperfection that no amount of good deeds could ever pull us out of it. So if we can’t earn good standing and we’re putting every single egg we have in the grace basket, what’s the point – why do anything good at all?

Strangely enough, I have found great insight into this issue from the movie The Breakup. In one scene, they’re having a huge fight about how the boyfriend Gary is never doing the good deeds that Brooke asks him to do.

Gary: “Fine, I’ll help you do the damn dishes.”
Brooke: “That’s not what I want. I want you to want to do the dishes.”
Gary: “Why would I want to do dishes?”

Gary would want to do the dishes if he cared more about making Brooke happy than he cared about making himself happy. He should do the good deed because he knows it’s something she cares about and would bring her joy – no more, no less. It’s the exact same thing with good deeds in Christianity. We don’t do good deeds to prove we’re better than other people, or because it comes easily to us, or because we think we’re earning some sort of spiritual brownie points. We do good deeds because we have reason to believe they are important to God and bring him joy – no more, no less.

I don’t think God wants us approach good deeds like, “Fine, I’ll help you do the damn dishes.” I believe he wants us to want to do the dishes.

— EDITORIAL —

*Phraseology stolen from Theodosius Dozhansky, who thought evolution was the overarching story that tied all of biology together. ( “Nothing in biology makes sense except in the light if evolution”). If anyone tried to understand any piece of biology without it, Dozhanksy claimed, they would have misguided hypotheses. Their scientific discovery would be stunted. This post isn’t about evolution, but I have a compulsion to provide the source of my thoughts. My deepest fear is getting caught in a scandal that involves accidental plagiarism. BUT I will say that if you are curious about how the Genesis creation story relates to current scientific thought on human origins, I highly recommend reading The Lost World of Adam and Eve by John H. Walton (amazon link here). It greatly influenced my thoughts on the subject.

**the ONLY reason I dropped the esch bomb was to be a Pretentious Pretentierson.

***No one knows for sure. It is currently a hot topic of debate by many scholars.

30 nuggets of wisdom for 30 years

My 30th birthday is just around the riverbend*, so this Gallowolf would like to cry the wisdom she’s learned to the blue corn moon. Please commit all of these to memory and send me a $30 cashier’s check every time my lil nuggets of wisdom save you from a pickle.** Thank you in advance.

Drums, please!

You don’t have to date everyone who’s a good person
Be okay with uncertainty in relationships
Don’t try to engineer and control any relationship, especially romantic
People don’t owe you affection or attention when you do something nice for them
Talk to your Grandma like a peer and be ridiculous with your nieces and nephews
Allow yourself to feel your feels

All legit, y’all.
Don’t let your feels control you
You’re responsible for your own feelings, but be aware of how you are prone to feel after spending time with any person
Spend time with people who make you feel good
You can forgive people but still protect yourself from bad characters
Most people are schmucky schmuckersons
Celebrate and hold onto the people that aren’t schmucky schmuckersons

Me holding onto someone great
People who bring exciting drama into your life are also likely to bring a bunch of hurt into your life.
Go to the arts for your dramatic fix
Finding things to laugh at is serious business
The expensive car is *not* worth it
Eating more expensive healthy food *is* worth it
Neglecting your health is not financial prudence– it’s a great strategy to make all your borderline acute health issues full blown chronic health issues
Try to find joy in challenges instead of focusing on the stress
Stop feeling sorry for yourself
You can be mature and intelligent and still wildly silly
It’s not necessary or wise to trust everyone in a Christian community
Allow yourself to dwell on and obsess about how beautiful something is
Weighted blankets are heavenly
Actual image of my mind when under a weighted blanket
It’s worth the AC cost to turn down the temp enough to not sweat at night
Allow yourself to consider you are wrong about everything
Don’t let uncertainty paralyze you
You don’t have to listen to everyone’s advice, even if they’re great people
Try
God is bigger and more confusing than you ever imagined

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*By “just around” I mean in like 2 months. But that’s none of your business!

**Although if a Trader Joe’s kosher dill pickle was after me, I would say “take me now” and swoon at its delicious foot.

7 things you should never say to a friend getting over a break-up

People go through break-ups. Some break-ups are dramatic, others are just kind of awkward, but they all suck. Sometimes the suckiness is assuaged by the bright company and uplifting words of a friend. Sometimes the suckiness is exacerbated by the oppressive company and joy-sucking words of a … friend?

Yes! Many times well-meaning friends are the ones that make the getting-over-them process all the more torturous.

Here are seven things you may find yourself saying to friends after a break-up that are guaranteed to pick at their heart sores and help the bad feels fester.

1. “Just saw [exes name] at Applebee’s.”

No one needs their riveting documentary on organic kumquat farming* interrupted by a text from you telling them about an ex sighting. Did the ex look good? That will make your friend feel foolish for still having residual sadness. Did the ex look bad? That will make your friend feel guilty and consider reaching out, which we all know would be disastrous. There’s just no purpose in it. Put down your phone and stop creepin!

2. “I’m surprised you stayed with them for as long as you did.”

This sort of statement just tells your friend you think they were a desperate loser. Your friend is already mourning the time lost on romanticals with their ex, and you’re just rubbing salt on the wound.

3. Have you thought about taking a break from dating?”

If your friend is one of those people who plunged into their first long term relationship in 3rd grade and still hasn’t come up for air, maybe this would be a legit question. Keep in mind that for many people, being in a relationship is the exception to the single-as-a-dollar-bill rule. So suggesting they take an official break from something they just timidly forayed into is silly and unwarranted.

4. “I never thought they were good for you.”

This is like telling your friend “I knew you would be hurt all along. I know better than you. Told ya so!” Too little too late!

5. “You are probably sad because you guys were a great fit.”

Thanks, Captain Obvs! Does your friend need to remember all the reasons they are missing the ex boo? They are now going to sob themselves to sleep thinking about how they’ll never find someone else with so much life-mate potential.

6. “Have you considered online dating?”

If your friend was born after 1958, chances are they have considered online dating. But that’s not really the point anyway. A grieving friend does not need your pedanticism or problem solving, they need someone to listen for a while, give them a hug and say “that sucks, I’m sorry,” and then hand them a puppy.

7. “If you think this is bad, just wait until you experience a break up after 30!”

What’s worse than complain-bragging? Grief bragging! Which is in actuality grief dismissal. As I told someone once, “Knowing there’s a broken leg out there doesn’t make my stubbed toe hurt less.”

Which friend are you – an uplifting bright sunbeam or oppressive joy-sucking drizzle ? Study these seven, examine yourself, repent, and walk toward the light!

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*everyone grieves differently!

For the love of Chick Fil A, please no more Christian dating books

I C A N N O T T A K E A N Y M O R E C H R I S T I A N B O O K S A B O U T D A T I N G.

upsetgirl — It’s too much y’all. (pixabay image, edited by moi) Also note that I didn’t include the Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller because that book is FIRE

Is it because my heart is hardened?

Is it because I’m living in sin and want to avoid conviction?

Is it because I am resistant to wisdom?

No. It is for this simple reason — in no other area of Christian life have I seen Christian wisdom take such a phariseeical turn so quickly.

The authors are not necessarily to blame for this, but I think this is what happens — a Christian man/woman/couple figures out a way to date that seems in-line with the Christian faith. They then share their insights and wisdom from their own personal experiences. Christians read these books, and instead of seeing them for what they are – musings by good but still-being-sanctified people – they see them as RULES that we all must follow, lest we be pegged as pagos. #pagopegged #ouch

But let’s all take a step back and get a little perspective — in biblio times, dating didn’t exist. You were a child, then boom you go through puberty, then boom you are married. This doesn’t mean that the Christian faith is irrelevant to how we date, but it does mean that pretty much any *specific* dating advice is just that – advice from humans – not the Word of God.

So let’s not perpetuate self-righteousness and phariseeism by acting as if the compilation of some Christian dude’s musings on dating is The Way the Truth and the Life. There is probably wisdom in many Christian books on dating, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that if you don’t follow that author’s recommendations you are rebelling against the God of the universe. For example – In Single, Dating, Engaged, Married,* Ben Stuart talks about how he would always tell his now-wife Donna the next time he was going to contact her. He saw this as a sweet way to reduce her stress – she didn’t have to worry about if / when he was going to contact her, she already knew – “I’ll call you tomorrow.” I agree, that is sweet. Does that mean that if a guy doesn’t communicate like that to you, you should kick him to the curb? No! It’s a nice specific example of how Christian faith can play out IRL, but it is by no means a rule.

Side note 1 – many dating books are probably somewhat useful for high-schoolers who are still living with their parents, and truly have zero life experience to help them navigate dating with wisdom. But there are some dating practices that are absurd if not impossible when you are living on your own (e.g. the dude asking the Dad’s permission to date). So let’s recognize that not ALL Christians get married when they are 19, and what worked for a man dating his wife in undergrad may not be useful for a 29 year old woman.

Side note 2 – I’m also getting cranky with Christian women who assume they are entitled to impart their sage dating advice. I don’t owe it to you to spill all the beans of my romantic life just because we are both Christians, and frankly many of you haven’t earned the right to tell me what to do or hear the intimate details of my life and heart. If you are concerned about my dating choices, how ’bout you pray for the Spirit to convict me directly instead of appointing yourself as my accountability supervisor. I suggest with all the gentle love I can muster that you are just as likely to turn me into an anxious self-righteous snoot pants than to protect me from harm. Just sayin’. As the modern sage John Crist would say, “check your heart.”

I plan to approach dating with the freedom Christ gained for me, as captured by the idea “Everything is permissible, not everything is beneficial.”** Earlier this year I demoralized a dating decision and thought “I can date this person if I want. We could have wild sex every night and guess what.. I would still be a Christian. Jesus might be grieved, but he would still love me. Now, knowing this, do I want to? What would be the consequences?” And that actually led me to a healthy decision that was MY decision, not a half-hearted, dutiful response to the pressures of others.

Okay.. that’s all! Be free!

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*At least he talked about this in his Single | Dating | Engaged | Married sermons when he was preaching at Breakaway. I actually never read his book because I heard it was basically the written version of his sermons. 😀

**1 Corinthians 10:23

The clueless man’s guide to complimenting a woman

A friend of mine has beauteous eyes. They are probably her most beguiling feature. Some guys, when (possibly?!) trying to compliment her, say something like this —

Him [while staring into her eyes]: “Hey what color are your eyes?”

Her: “Ummm.. green.”

Him: “Really? Huh. Wasn’t sure.”

Her: “Okay….”

When she told me this, I was like, “hey guh, pretty sure he just thinks your eyes are pretty.. or he wouldn’t have brought it up.” But the execution was poor, causing confusion. In conclusion… Bad Strategy: Ask her what color her eyes are, as if you failed preschool and are not yet able to identify and name colors.

eye-1132531_1920 — Men: practice on complimenting this one eye until you get comfortable with the idea. In case you are confused, this eye is GREEN *eye roll*

Don’t give her the opportunity to misunderstand your compliment for a neutral statement about your sensory processing limitations. Don’t make vague allusions to her features. Leave no doubt she is being complimented. Better Strategy: Tell her, “Your eyes are pretty.”

But if you really want to blow her away, be specific and let yourself be a little vulnerable maybe. Here’s a Gangsta-Level strategy: “Your eyes are very pretty. They’re like grey… with flecks of green. So if I’m staring at you, I’m sorry, but that’s why.”*

Yowza yowz! This last compliment shows the woman that 1) you understand basic colors 2) you took the time to think about why you liked her features so much 3) you like a physical feature that is most reflective of her inner spirit.

BOOM! You’re welcome men. Go forth and compliment like a boss!

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*A real man actually said this to a real woman, seriously! Gangstas of love in our midst!

5 new must-see Christian rom coms

All of us have our guilty pleasure romantic comedy favorites, but I think we can all agree that most plot lines to rom coms are unrealistic, and even worse, secular. Recently there has been a push among evangelical Christians for more realistic films about romance in the modern Church. Here at the top 5 must-see Christian rom coms that will gratify the realist in us all.

10,000,000 Things I Prayed About You This is your classic boy meets girl, boy prays about whether or not to pursue girl for 3 years, in the meantime girl meets, dates, gets engaged, and marries someone else.

Several Okay Days Tough-as-nails single mom appropriately guards her heart against the advances of charming millionaire playboy. Dies alone

ipad-1721428_1920 — The heroine of this film played candy crush to distract herself from her romantic longings.

You Don’t Got Mail Young lady still living at home with parents signs up for online dating and begins a warm email exchange with a witty gentleman. Parents discover the emails and block witty gentleman so their daughter can focus on dating Jesus and nannying her siblings’ kids.

shutterstock_68338150 — 0 messages, 0 heart clutter

Focused in Philly Independent woman witnesses a murder, is assigned a darkly dangerous and handsome bodyguard to protect her until the court trial. Sparks fly. Man maintains professional conduct and they part ways amicably after the trial.

purchase-3347053_1920 — Always nice to end a relationship before it begins with a firm handshake!

Not Knocked Up Troubled bad boy moves in next door to awkward teenage girl. They develop and unexpected friendship until girl’s dad sees his tattoos and forbids future contact. She obeys and begins dating her effeminate childhood friend.

entrepreneur-593358_1920 — Tattoo free and sensitive ❤

Coming soon to a weird, indie theater far from you!

Red flags, long hikes, and burritos

[I know I said I wasn’t going to talk about romanticals anymore, but I discussed it with the queen of Galloblog and she extended her scepter. So I think for at least this one time I can get away with it.]

Okay, kids. What I want to talk about today are “red flags,” or as they say in France, drapeaux de rouge. Red flags are those indicators when you’re dating someone that they might be the cheatin’ kind, afraid of commitment, addicted to drugs, a pathological liar, a wearer of pastel colored shorts— anything indicative you should run for your life.

Red flags are important to talk about, because err’body is going to cause you to throw up a red flag or two, even if they are generally fantasimo. Indeed, people who end up happily married discover things about each other along the way that make them question their character (“you were still dating other people when you met my parents?!)” or sanity (“you face the water when you shower?!”). Despite these unnerving realizations, sometimes the perceived value of the flagged-one is so great that the flagger is still willing to work through their pain and shock. But we all have a red flag threshold that, when exceeded, makes us call the game early and go home.

My threshold used to be too low, (probably) and sensitive to the wrong sort of “problems.” I would be dating someone and think, “Oh Lorttttt, he orders water with lime, because he’s too fancy for a humble lemon? I can’t handle this.”

But in my most recent foray into romanticals, I think I put my threshold too high, for things that were important. I was collecting red flags for this hombre like they were going out of style. None of these red flags indicated he was a psycho or a bad person— he was a good guy, and my decision to date him wasn’t only because he looked like Eric Church when he wore a baseball cap and sunglasses (but for real…). We shared the same faith, had similar political views, liked a lot of the same music, enjoyed eating sushi bowls and fawning over doggos, valued traveling over accumulating stuffz, both intelligent in complementary ways, and were attracted to each other.

BUT!!! If my ex-bf, me, and a rando hobo were asked “Describe your perfect weekend,” I think I’d have more in common with rando hobo.

Par example

Gallo’s perfect weekend

Friday night : game night with a lot of friends*
Sat morning: wake up early to read or write in a hipster-y coffee shop for a few hours
Sat afternoon: go on an outdoor adventure (e.g. rock-climbing) with a bunch of ppl I’ve never met*
Sat evening: meet up with a few close friends to do something artsy or cultured, (e.g. see a play)*
Sunday morning: meet up with my mentor before church, attend church *
Sunday afternoon: lunch with my parents*, then go on a long hike*
Sunday evening: read an interesting book

Gallo’s ex-bf’s perfect weekend

Friday night: make music in room
Saturday morning: Perhaps make a breakfast burrito
Saturday afternoon: gym, sauna, miscellaneous errands
Saturday evening: sit on back porch and listen to music *
Sunday morning: Maybe church*
Sunday afternoon: Nap
Sunday evening: Professional massage to unwind from the stress of the day

*Activities that I/he would have been happy to do with each other

What jumps out to you? Differences in the love of hanging out in groups? Differences in outdoorsiness? Differences in how much we wanted the other to share in our activities?

30157CF3-E692-4D46-96B9-3764075235B1-5901-00000840E5066F83 — My ideal

5D4D0975-1416-495B-B853-E75C49A52E36-5901-000008411B7A26C7 — His ideal

HOW ABOUT ALL OF THE COTTON PICKIN’ ABOVE??

Do you see how miserable we would have made each other??

His reaction to my weekend plans: stress and anxiety, feeling smothered.

My reaction to his weekend non-plans: frustration and boredom, feeling abandoned.

Now, there is of course a time and place to work through incompatibilities. But 1-2 months into dating is probably not that time. Once you’ve confirmed the person has similar values and doesn’t seem insane or abusive, they still might be a terrible fit for you.

I know this little piece of advice is probably not earth-shattering to any of you, but I think it’s important because it’s a really big deal — but unlike other “tests” of compatibility, it doesn’t take too much time or emotional depth to figure this out. So if you’re date-smart – unlike your favorite blogger – you can save yourself a lot of time and heartache by asking this simple question — “Can we plan a weekend together without one of us needing to pop a Xanax to make it through?” If not, release them back into the dating wilds.

Life is too short to be tortured by your SO’s SOP!