Social media in 2020: A lifeless saltine cracker

I used to be somewhat obsessive-compulsive about social media. I checked my facebook approximately 62 times per day.* I posted at least once a day, sometimes 2-3 times. I would post silly stuff about my day, serious thoughts on current events, all my newest and cutest pictures, etc. I would vigorously debate strangers about theology or politics on comment threads whose obnoxious length were only rivaled by CVS receipts. I made long instastories rambling about my ineffective dry shampoo and other deep matters. Even on Twitter – which I always have and always will despise for it’s lack of depth and proclivity for promoting unbridled hostility – I would sometimes scroll and get incensed about whatever was incensing that day.

I began dating a social media dud** a few years ago. For over 18 months, I soldiered on with my social media OCD. When COVID19 started ramping up in the U.S., both my twitter and facebook became so saturated with zany posts I could feel the stress rise in my body every time I logged in, but I was having a super hard time not logging in since I was also effectively (albiet temporarily) laid off with pay. So I gave my boyfriend the password to my facebook and twitter accounts (yes I had 2) and asked him to be my meanie-pants social media gate keeper. He has performed this role with a disturbing but effective gusto. I have probably logged in — 6-8 times in the last two months. When I do, 95% of the 30-40 notifications I have*** are completely boring and not even related to me (e.g. “Joe-Joe added to his story” or “Your mother commented on your brother’s post”).

I am struck with how I have missed almost nothing, and gained the self respect that comes from restraint. Dignity! LIFE!

What used to be a delightful tiramisu has turned into a lifeless saltine cracker.

Okay maybe I’m being slightly dramatic. But it has been nice and I feel kind of amazed that I found it so rewarding not that long ago. But now, even Instagram, the one social media platform I kept because it tended to be light and fluffy and happy, has started edging into facebook/twitter taking-itself-too-seriously territory. The pictures are mostly okay, actually, but the stories are so full of virtue signaling and pedantic lectures on polarizing topics that I can go through an entire day’s worth of stories and realize the best story was an ad for sulfate free shampoo. (Quick disclaimer: I love deep convos and I’m not afraid of discussing controversial topics with people who actually care about my opinion, but I think social media is the absolutely worst place to express them. )

Should I ax the gram, or keep at least one connection to my interweb friends? What an important decision! I will flee to the woods for thoughtful meditation. But one thing I won’t do is create a post on facebook asking everyone what I should do. Success? !

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*Estimated by the Gallonoggin

**This is the only things he’s a dud about, trust me. Yowza!

***What can I say.. #popular

Are you unequally faceboked?

It is with great heaviness of heart I report a recent phenomenon scouring the Christian community: couples who are unequally faceboked.  You know who I’m referring to – she publicly proclaims her love for her boo every Birthday, anniversary, and father’s day, but he hasn’t logged onto facebook for 17 months. Or his profile picture features their wedding photo, but hers still features her face and the shoulder of a high school boyfriend.

Many couples struggle with mismatched facebook activity. It can create a discordance that ripples into their actual lives. Many men report feeling “extreme sorrow” that their girlfriends or wives cannot appreciate a witty meme they have shared because they’re so disconnected from the online community. One man complained, “I put my heart and soul into a meme, and she just asked ‘who’s that blonde woman yelling at that cat? Is she an ex-girlfriend you’re still pining for?!'”

Women have also expressed frustration when they continually post pictures of their boo with hearts and kiss-face emojis, and their husbands or boyfriends do not even bother to like their post. “I just feel so humiliated. My friends have noticed he never likes our couple pictures. Many have asked if he’s a hired model, or if our relationship is on the rocks,” confided one woman.

If you’re already married and unequally faceboked, the Galloblog staff recommend seeking emergency counseling. If you are in a dating relationship,  we strongly encourage you to sit down with your significant other and cast a vision for facebook compatibility. “Communicating concrete expectations is key,” says Dr. C Gallo. It’s not insurmountable if you’re unequally faceboked, but it is a sign of a major problem in your relationship. Dr. Gallo added, “There’s no shame in getting help- sync your activity now for a brighter future.”

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^an evenly faceboked couple beams as they peruse their home page. ❤

According to Facebook, women are grossy-gross

I used to completely ignore all advertisements, until targeted ads became a thing. Now I’m not seeing an ad because of random chance, but because some marketing algorithm (or nefarious robot??) specifically targeted me ..because of my own browser activities, stated interests, etc.

Being the natural narcissist that I am, the new targeting strategies have made me intrigued in the ads that are selected for me. I thought it would be funsies to try to figure out what sort of niche marketing demographic I’m in – thinking they profiled me as Hip-but-No-Nonsense-Overeducated-but-Whimsical-Millennial —- but also kind of hoping they would profile me as Skilled-Assassin-with-Heart-of-Gold-and-Exquisite-Taste-in-Whiskey. But! Once I began looking into my ads — I mean realllly looking into them — I was crushed. Social media sites don’t think I’m hip or whimsical, or a badarse criminal… social media apparently thinks I’m a desperate old-maid with several, ehh.. womanly problems. 😥

For example —

desperatesingle

There is of course the ever present, ever mocking – WE KNOW YOU’RE SINGLE, JUST GET MARRIED TO A BIBLE BARRY ALREADY!!!

Parks And Recreation Donna GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

flabby

Ouchhhhh on Instagram, no less! Where I post all my pictures… somehow a robot has determined I’m high risk for fat rolls. WOW

Bruno Mars Love GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

heavyperiods

You don’t know me, Facebook! Get out of my ovaries!

Mad Comedy Central GIF by Workaholics - Find & Share on GIPHY

limppony

Even my poor lil pony isn’t safe! Geeezzzzzz

Braxton Family Values Love GIF by WE tv - Find & Share on GIPHY

pitsweats

This one I took extremely personally. Sweat is healthy and detoxifying, you jerks!!

Rachael Ray Boob Sweat GIF by First We Feast: Hot Ones - Find & Share on GIPHY

facialhair

To add insult to injury, now Facebook just assumes that I’m growing a full beard

San Jose Sharks Beard GIF by NHL - Find & Share on GIPHY

So even when I’m just trying to check up on my friends, get a few lolz for the day.. I’m told that I 1) need a man pronto 2) need to reign in my flab 3) have disgusting periods; probably due to chronic illness 4) have a lame pony game 5) have socially unacceptable pit stains 6) am turning into wolf-man.

This is just in one log-in!! And people wonder why women are so “obsessed” with our looks.. maybe because everyday we are bombarded by images telling us how disgusting we are.

Oh, but don’t forget women — love yourself and be confident!

Chelsea Peretti Eye Roll GIF by Brooklyn Nine-Nine - Find & Share on GIPHY

Wanted: Social Media Husband

 A recent survey* of single females between the ages of 21-40 uncovered an interesting trend: one of the top reasons that women want to get married, second only to “I need someone to open this jar of pickles,” is to amp up their social media game. “I feel like it’s more acceptable to constantly post pictures of yourself when someone else is in them, and it’s under the guise of praising your spouse,” a survey participant explained. But I think we’d all agree that it’s a little crass to get married for real for the sole purpose of jazzing your social media presence. But I’ve never been one to think inside the box, and I’m deeply sensitive to the needs of the single sisterhood. Therefore, I have crafted a handy template for single women everywhere to advertise for Social Media Husbands. Please feel free to use and adapt as necessary – this is my free gift to you!

wanted.png
free image from pixabay.com. Please don’t ask why this wanted sign looks like Captain America’s shield. *sigh* #poorbloggerstruggles

WANTED: Male between the ages of 25-35 to serve as Facebook husband. Minimum 5 year commitment, or until procurement of real husband .

Duties and tasks

  • Must be willing to change profile status to ‘married’

Minimum picture requirements 

  • Couple shots for
    • Valentine’s Day
    • Easter
    • Independence Day
    • Halloween
    • Thanksgiving
    • Christmas
    • Wedding Anniversary
    • First-date Anniversary
    • First-time-we-met Anniversary
    • Every time we eat a meal together
  • 1 “just cause” photo shoot with matching white polos and khakis 1x/year
  • Inappropriately intimate pic of female sleeping 2x/year
  • Silly Snapchat face swap 2x/month
  • Candid shot of female with accompanying flattery and praise 2x/week
  • Must understand importance of filters that make female look better

Minimum posting requirements 

  • Effusive post praising the sacrificial, ultra-spiritual heart of female 3x/week
  • React positively to every post of female
  • Like every one of female’s comments on other users’ posts
  • Support female in social media battles

Physical requirements 

  • Skin tone needs to complement female’s
  • Height needs to exceed height of female when wearing 4″ heels
  • Weight needs to be 30-60 lbs over female’s weight
  • Eyes need to shine with goodness and humility
  • Attractiveness needs to be above average, but not so attractive that female seems less attractive by comparison

Please submit applications via direct message. Only applications that include 1) head shot 2) cover letter 3) instagram portfolio will be considered. 

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

* Galloswag, 2017, personal imagination.

Fight aggressive activism with passive aggression!

As many others have said better than I have, fb has become near intolerable. We’ve been rolling our eyes at exhibitionists* and passive-aggressive posts for years, but throughout the 2016 election and – good Lort, especially after Trump’s inauguration – my fb feed has been inundated with self-righteous-apocalyptic-hyperactivism posts. I’ve already talked about dismounting the activism high horse myself, but I think now it’s time to take back our beloved fb feed by force.**

How do you fight against obnoxiously aggressive activism? By being obnoxiously passive aggressive, of course. Therefore, I have made reaction gifs that should fit each and every post. Because let’s be real, most people just want to impress people that they are modern, concerned peoples. So let’s give them what they want, as obnoxiously as possible. Instead of commenting, just post these gifs for each type of post.

1) For those “I’m going to write a 5 page essay to show you how right I am about this” posts

2) For those “All white people / males / straight people etc. etc. should just all go kill themselves and feel super guilty” posts
3) For those “Let’s all get depressed about some horrible social issue” posts
4) For those “I will rise above you dirty scumbags” posts
5) For all other self-righteous-apolcalyptic-hyperactivism posts, otherwise unspecified
I realize this is coming across as a bit snarky. Well, my feed has induced this snark. I don’t doubt that some of my friends truly care about these issues… but I don’t care that they care. Please post a pic of your cat. Thx.***
If THIS post has inspired YOU, please send me more suggestions! Let’s start a massive conglomeration of passive-aggressiveness.
— EDITORIAL NOTES —
*Fancy term for “people who post too many pictures of themselves and think that we care what they ate for dinner every night.” I am a perfect example of this.
**I really do take life and issues seriously. But I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – there is no worse place to discuss politics than on fb. Dr. Galloswag sez, “Discussing politics online shrivels every dendrite in our brains.” I have truly developed a deep dislike for so many of my “friends” now because of their SRAH posts. But I’m not advocating for a lack of action per se – I’m advocating against broadcasting every action you take. You go and change the world, little tiger. If you actually do something important, trust me, the world will recognize you.
***I have a feeling I will regret this post later. But rn, Claire Bear Don’t Care. All this endless barrage of profound outrage has induced profound apathy in yours truly.

Don’t be a social media sneak

…one of the gravest of all social media faux pas is to consume the lives, words, and pictures of a friend’s page without even offering a cursory thumbs up as a sort of interweb up-nod.

From the time we are little tots, we crave interaction with other humans. We want people to acknowledge us, react to us, show us that we are individual agents whose actions are influencing the world and those around us.* That’s why social media is so addicting – all of these people are acknowledging you! Hooray! – you exist!

Therefore, one of the gravest of all social media faux pas is to consume the lives, words, and pictures of a friend’s page without even offering a cursory thumbs up as a sort of interweb up-nod. For serious! Fb has now given you the option of sad face or angry face if you don’t like the post, so… you are all without excuse. If your thoughts are so unique and special that you are offended by the constraining choices of pre-manufactured reactions that fb and other social media accounts offer, I’ve heard about this option called “comment.” The only downside is that you have to form words and put them together in a coherent** string called a “sentence.” Even if you’re “blah” about someone’s entire page, 1) why are you looking at their stuff anyway 2) the least you can do is comment below at least one of their posts with a “pfffft.”

I implore you – don’t be that person, who, as I’m telling you about my weekend says, “Oh yeah, I saw those hiking pics. I loved them.” As my closest confidante expressed recently, “Oh did you?? Well I didn’t see a little ‘ ❤ ’ from you, buddy!” I think we’d all rather log into our accounts and see 57 notifications from you going through our profile pics dating back to 2007 than for you to nod your head knowingly when we tell you our weight fluctuated a lot through college.

creepin_aunt
Galloswag sez, “Don’t be this meme”

So now for a moment of Galloswag honest vulnerability – this post is 100% motivated by my own vain curiosity. With any given blog post, my blog views are ~5x, even up to 20x more than I get in likes, reactions, or comments on fb. Were those views from people who read the first sentence of my post and said, “Oh Lort, ain’t nobody got time for that!” Did their clicker finger have a muscle spasm and they opened my page by accident? Did they read every single one of my posts, and were so moved by the beauty of my words they sat frozen for hours with graceful tears streaming down their face???

I guess there’s no way I’ll ever know. Oh wait, I would totally know, if 90% of you weren’t being social media sneaks! >8-O ***

 

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*This is all loosely based off of an undergrad class in Developmental Psychology I took 10 years ago. If you have information to the contrary, call me out on it yo.

**Although I think we can all testify that there are social media friends who don’t find the ‘coherent’ part necessary… but I digress.

***For those of you who were born after 1992, tilt your head to the left and you will see an angry face!! Isn’t that neat-o?? This is how people in primitive times expressed their emotions.