Are you unequally faceboked?

It is with great heaviness of heart I report a recent phenomenon scouring the Christian community: couples who are unequally faceboked.  You know who I’m referring to – she publicly proclaims her love for her boo every Birthday, anniversary, and father’s day, but he hasn’t logged onto facebook for 17 months. Or his profile picture features their wedding photo, but hers still features her face and the shoulder of a high school boyfriend.

Many couples struggle with mismatched facebook activity. It can create a discordance that ripples into their actual lives. Many men report feeling “extreme sorrow” that their girlfriends or wives cannot appreciate a witty meme they have shared because they’re so disconnected from the online community. One man complained, “I put my heart and soul into a meme, and she just asked ‘who’s that blonde woman yelling at that cat? Is she an ex-girlfriend you’re still pining for?!'”

Women have also expressed frustration when they continually post pictures of their boo with hearts and kiss-face emojis, and their husbands or boyfriends do not even bother to like their post. “I just feel so humiliated. My friends have noticed he never likes our couple pictures. Many have asked if he’s a hired model, or if our relationship is on the rocks,” confided one woman.

If you’re already married and unequally faceboked, the Galloblog staff recommend seeking emergency counseling. If you are in a dating relationship,  we strongly encourage you to sit down with your significant other and cast a vision for facebook compatibility. “Communicating concrete expectations is key,” says Dr. C Gallo. It’s not insurmountable if you’re unequally faceboked, but it is a sign of a major problem in your relationship. Dr. Gallo added, “There’s no shame in getting help- sync your activity now for a brighter future.”

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^an evenly faceboked couple beams as they peruse their home page. ❤

Wanted: Social Media Husband

 A recent survey* of single females between the ages of 21-40 uncovered an interesting trend: one of the top reasons that women want to get married, second only to “I need someone to open this jar of pickles,” is to amp up their social media game. “I feel like it’s more acceptable to constantly post pictures of yourself when someone else is in them, and it’s under the guise of praising your spouse,” a survey participant explained. But I think we’d all agree that it’s a little crass to get married for real for the sole purpose of jazzing your social media presence. But I’ve never been one to think inside the box, and I’m deeply sensitive to the needs of the single sisterhood. Therefore, I have crafted a handy template for single women everywhere to advertise for Social Media Husbands. Please feel free to use and adapt as necessary – this is my free gift to you!
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free image from pixabay.com. Please don’t ask why this wanted sign looks like Captain America’s shield. *sigh* #poorbloggerstruggles

WANTED: Male between the ages of 25-35 to serve as Facebook husband. Minimum 5 year commitment, or until procurement of real husband .

Duties and tasks

  • Must be willing to change profile status to ‘married’

Minimum picture requirements 

  • Couple shots for
    • Valentine’s Day
    • Easter
    • Independence Day
    • Halloween
    • Thanksgiving
    • Christmas
    • Wedding Anniversary
    • First-date Anniversary
    • First-time-we-met Anniversary
    • Every time we eat a meal together
  • 1 “just cause” photo shoot with matching white polos and khakis 1x/year
  • Inappropriately intimate pic of female sleeping 2x/year
  • Silly Snapchat face swap 2x/month
  • Candid shot of female with accompanying flattery and praise 2x/week
  • Must understand importance of filters that make female look better

Minimum posting requirements 

  • Effusive post praising the sacrificial, ultra-spiritual heart of female 3x/week
  • React positively to every post of female
  • Like every one of female’s comments on other users’ posts
  • Support female in social media battles

Physical requirements 

  • Skin tone needs to complement female’s
  • Height needs to exceed height of female when wearing 4″ heels
  • Weight needs to be 30-60 lbs over female’s weight
  • Eyes need to shine with goodness and humility
  • Attractiveness needs to be above average, but not so attractive that female seems less attractive by comparison

Please submit applications via direct message. Only applications that include 1) head shot 2) cover letter 3) instagram portfolio will be considered. 

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

* Galloswag, 2017, personal imagination.