About nothing. – galloblog

You can’t Make-Up this stuff

I need to disclose something that pains me deeply. Long long ago I watched – and shared – a satirical video about what beauty instructionals would look like in 1999. Since then, my recommended Facebook videos have started to slowly creep in makeup tutorials – and more recently, celebrity skin care regimes – and most recently, REACTIONS to celebrity skin care regimes.

I desperately want to tell you all that I sneer in derision and keep scrolling. But I can’t, because I don’t. I. am. mesmerized. by these stupid videos! I spiraled so hard I watched not one but two seasons of Glow Up. Geez.

IF BEAUTY YOUTUBERS EXISTED IN 1999 – YouTube

The real kicker, though, is I usually find the final looks … distasteful. So many of them are skilled, in the sense that they have artistically altered their face with a precision and control that even my surgically trained hands wouldn’t dare to attempt. But, in general, the looks are unapproachable at best, and somewhat psychotic at worst. I can’t imagine walking up to someone with false eyelashes so long they’re smacking me in the face.

What disturbs me the most about it is that most of these people are little teeny boppers. I’ve seen a 14 year old school her mom on her skin care and makeup regime. On one hand I think, “bully for you,” but on the other hand I think, “NO! Be a teenager and look awkward for a while!” I honestly think it’s bad for your psychological, social, and .. spiritual ?! development to look too perfect when you’re a teen. Smearing $74 of skin care products and make up on your face when you’re that young just seems so.. wrongly focused. I understand these youts are not 7, but still. They are not adults. There is so much time to obsessively worry about and launch a full-on battle against skin imperfections as you enter the workforce with a fancy degree and realize you somehow have both acne AND wrinkles, the most insulting combination of all time. But when you’re a chillin, go to a concert and slap on some mascara because you’re feeling flirty. There’s no need to have a 15 step nighttime regime and spend 1-2 hours every day creating a complicated make up look with the obsessive idea that your skin should look as smooth as a Pixar movie character. We’re human. Our skin is not perfectly smooth, even toned, or pore-free. Get over it and move on .

Moreover and thusly therefore, I * guarantee * you that the makeup we find so sophisicated and advanced today will seem ridiculous in a few years. And the “science” behind current skin care is 100% guaranteed to change. So please don’t wake up 10 years from now and realize you spent 40% of your paycheck and 70% of your time on make up and skin care regimes that didn’t make you a better person, didn’t help you reach any actually useful goals, and will likely just be comedy material for the next generation.

.. But watching these videos as a sophisticated critic is VERY NORMAL.

Forever your wrinkly writer ❤

Social media in 2020: A lifeless saltine cracker

I used to be somewhat obsessive-compulsive about social media. I checked my facebook approximately 62 times per day.* I posted at least once a day, sometimes 2-3 times. I would post silly stuff about my day, serious thoughts on current events, all my newest and cutest pictures, etc. I would vigorously debate strangers about theology or politics on comment threads whose obnoxious length were only rivaled by CVS receipts. I made long instastories rambling about my ineffective dry shampoo and other deep matters. Even on Twitter – which I always have and always will despise for it’s lack of depth and proclivity for promoting unbridled hostility – I would sometimes scroll and get incensed about whatever was incensing that day.

I began dating a social media dud** a few years ago. For over 18 months, I soldiered on with my social media OCD. When COVID19 started ramping up in the U.S., both my twitter and facebook became so saturated with zany posts I could feel the stress rise in my body every time I logged in, but I was having a super hard time not logging in since I was also effectively (albiet temporarily) laid off with pay. So I gave my boyfriend the password to my facebook and twitter accounts (yes I had 2) and asked him to be my meanie-pants social media gate keeper. He has performed this role with a disturbing but effective gusto. I have probably logged in — 6-8 times in the last two months. When I do, 95% of the 30-40 notifications I have*** are completely boring and not even related to me (e.g. “Joe-Joe added to his story” or “Your mother commented on your brother’s post”).

I am struck with how I have missed almost nothing, and gained the self respect that comes from restraint. Dignity! LIFE!

What used to be a delightful tiramisu has turned into a lifeless saltine cracker.

Okay maybe I’m being slightly dramatic. But it has been nice and I feel kind of amazed that I found it so rewarding not that long ago. But now, even Instagram, the one social media platform I kept because it tended to be light and fluffy and happy, has started edging into facebook/twitter taking-itself-too-seriously territory. The pictures are mostly okay, actually, but the stories are so full of virtue signaling and pedantic lectures on polarizing topics that I can go through an entire day’s worth of stories and realize the best story was an ad for sulfate free shampoo. (Quick disclaimer: I love deep convos and I’m not afraid of discussing controversial topics with people who actually care about my opinion, but I think social media is the absolutely worst place to express them. )

Should I ax the gram, or keep at least one connection to my interweb friends? What an important decision! I will flee to the woods for thoughtful meditation. But one thing I won’t do is create a post on facebook asking everyone what I should do. Success? !

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*Estimated by the Gallonoggin

**This is the only things he’s a dud about, trust me. Yowza!

***What can I say.. #popular

Girlfriend of 18 months “honored” that she finally shares equal status with boyfriend’s dog

-ATLANTA

Sydney Glascow and boyfriend Allen Platano recently celebrated their 18 month anniversary. Sydney knew the celebration was going to be special, but she never would have let herself hope for what unfolded. At a dazzling dinner in the city, Allen cleared his throat shared something so deep and special that tears sprang to Sydney’s eyes.

“Babe, you know I’m not a sappy man but I have to tell you – I think.. I’m beginning to care about you as much as I care about Buddy.”

Sydney could barely believe her ears. She knew what a special connection they shared, and her heart nearly exploded to think that her connection with Allen was equally as special.

“Does this mean I can sit with both of you on the sofa now?” She asked breathily. Allen paused. “I never thought about the implications but.. maybe. Wait, hold on…” he mused for a tormenting 15 seconds. “Yes!”

Sydney sprang up from her seat and began to dance energetically, just like Allen liked. “Dreams really do come true!”

How to slay with Personal Protective Equipment (PPE)

Let’s be honest ladies – even a PhD isn’t an excuse to look like a sad mushroom in lab. Just because your day is filled with cleaning up rodent poo doesn’t mean your beauty shouldn’t shine forth! I have been working in an animal laboratory for over 10 years now, and I have picked up little tricks along the way to make sure that even the drabbest of labs can’t shroud my popping looks. Below, I have demonstrated some of my favorite tips. Please study carefully to properly employ in your own laboratory setting, and let me know if you have any of your own sassy tricks to add to the mix!

#1: Choose a flirty color of latex-free glove to add a pop of color to your outfit. Extra points if it complements your eye color!

smoochmask — A mask is no reason look expressionless. Draw a sassy little pout on your mask to remind those around you that you are more than a pair of eyes.

20191219_141012b — Be aware of your environment, and take advantage of props to strike irresistible poses.

offtheshoulder — Don’t let the billowy lab gowns keep you from displaying your best features. Rock this off-the-shoulder lab gown to tease all the menfolk around you senseless.

jauntytilt — If you must cover your hair with a cap, try this jaunty tilt to add depth and charisma to your look.

Try gathering your gown behind you so your curvaceous figure can do the talking.

bumb — If all else fails, stick your bum out while your pushing a cart. 100% success rate!

Feeling beautiful? Send me your own laboratory glam looks!

New app ranks family members to help you plan family gatherings

Are you exhausted from trying to schedule your family gatherings? Do you often regret planning events that only your least favorite family members attend? Studies show you’re not alone. Gallo Research Institute estimates up to 130% of families experience deep distress around the holidays, mostly due to scheduling snafus.

Thanks to a new app ToodleDoodle that is partnering with scheduling app Doodle and task management app Toodledo, families can now seamlessly plan their holiday gatherings. Family members can not only enter their available times, but ToodleDoodle uses advanced algorithms that allow the organizers to choose gathering times based on the availability of family members weighted by their importance. That way, families with the most cute grandkids get top priority, and single family members over age 25 with bad cooking skills will not skew the scheduling toward undesirables.

Look out for the 2020 version, ToodleDoodlenmo. This app will synchronize with your Venmo account so that family members can enter how much they were planning to spend on each other. The app will then just redistribute the money accordingly. For example, if Uncle Joe was going to buy you a $20 gift, you were going to buy Aunt Diane a $10 gift, and Aunt Diane was going to buy both of you a $5 gift, then Aunt Diane pays $0, you pay $0, and Uncle Joe gives you $5 and Aunt Diane $10. We think? That’s what the advanced algorithms are for! The point is, pesky gift shopping will be a thing of the past.

Download today!

Are you unequally faceboked?

It is with great heaviness of heart I report a recent phenomenon scouring the Christian community: couples who are unequally faceboked. You know who I’m referring to – she publicly proclaims her love for her boo every Birthday, anniversary, and father’s day, but he hasn’t logged onto facebook for 17 months. Or his profile picture features their wedding photo, but hers still features her face and the shoulder of a high school boyfriend.

Many couples struggle with mismatched facebook activity. It can create a discordance that ripples into their actual lives. Many men report feeling “extreme sorrow” that their girlfriends or wives cannot appreciate a witty meme they have shared because they’re so disconnected from the online community. One man complained, “I put my heart and soul into a meme, and she just asked ‘who’s that blonde woman yelling at that cat? Is she an ex-girlfriend you’re still pining for?!'”

Women have also expressed frustration when they continually post pictures of their boo with hearts and kiss-face emojis, and their husbands or boyfriends do not even bother to like their post. “I just feel so humiliated. My friends have noticed he never likes our couple pictures. Many have asked if he’s a hired model, or if our relationship is on the rocks,” confided one woman.

If you’re already married and unequally faceboked, the Galloblog staff recommend seeking emergency counseling. If you are in a dating relationship, we strongly encourage you to sit down with your significant other and cast a vision for facebook compatibility. “Communicating concrete expectations is key,” says Dr. C Gallo. It’s not insurmountable if you’re unequally faceboked, but it is a sign of a major problem in your relationship. Dr. Gallo added, “There’s no shame in getting help- sync your activity now for a brighter future.”

^an evenly faceboked couple beams as they peruse their home page. ❤

Report: Dating couple “thrilled” about relentless hints about marriage over the holidays

-ATLANTA

Local couple Rebecca and Max have both always loved the holidays, but this year is more special than ever. Over Thanksgiving and the Christmas season, the couple has encountered dozens of extended family members hinting darkly about nuptials.

“It’s exhilarating to be grilled about the future of your relationship in front of your entire family and significant other while you’re trying to relax,” Rebecca gushed. She explained that dating years are like dog years. Having been with Max for longer than 6 months, they are seen as life partners.

“Rebecca usually flies through the men so fast, her relationship with Max has whipped us all into a frenzy,” Rebecca’s Aunt Jean explained. “Not only did we see Max at Easter, he’s still here at Thanksgiving. It’s cute how they seem to have a Kurt Russell-Goldie Hawn thing going on.”

Max mentioned he enjoys reminders about the length of his and Rebecca’s relationship paired with expert advice on how quickly to progress the relationship. “I honestly didn’t know how long Rebecca and I had been dating, until my cousin reminded me. It was such a blessing to hear what the appropriate stage of commitment Rebecca and I should be at right now.”

Rebecca especially enjoys the educational conferences from family members and friends about her biological limitations. “I have a PhD in neuroscience, but I guess we never covered human reproduction in relation to aging. Who knew I had such little time left!” Rebecca marveled.

Max and Rebecca both confirmed neither of them had even considered the future of their relationship before their familyies brought up so many good points. “I never really thought of Rebecca as wife material,” Max explained. “But after all these these distant family members told me where our relationship should be, I guess I’m headed to the ring shop.” Rebecca chimed in “That is so incredibly romantic, babe! We can’t waste these eggs, now can we?”

What’s Rebecca’s and Max’s Christmas wish? “That all dating couples had families and friends that were so helpful and informative as ours!”

Feliz Navidad! 😉

Women- put away your n*ps

Recently I conducted a fairly routine bout of social media stalking in which I casually browse through the profiles of acquaintances and harshly judge their life decisions. During the course of this healthy and completely non-invasive practice, I came across the profile of a girl I used to know. As I clicked through her public posts and pics like a social media ninja, I was distraught to see several close-up pics of her n*ps.

To be fair, there was always a baby very close or attached to said n*ps. Apparently these up-close-and-way-too-personal pics were her way of advocating for breast-feeding and not being shamed for being a woman. Here’s the thing, fellas and gals –

You can breastfeed all the day long, and never post a picture of it. It’s truly not necessary. If you’re super into public advocacy, just post information about how healthy the practice is. Done.
Just because you hide something or keep something private doesn’t mean that you’re “ashamed.” I’m not ashamed of peeing in a toilet, but I don’t take a selfie of myself grinning over a pot with all my bits showing just to prove a point.
People’s discomfort with your nekkidness IS your problem. Whether or not bosoms should or should not be a sexual thing is another subject for another day. But the reality is, they are. So when you nonchalantly get upper-body-nekkid to feed your child, you are basically inviting everyone within sight to leer at your assets. Hell, I can’t help but stare just because it makes me uncomfortable. Yes. I, a young single straight woman, am made wildly uncomfortable by your n*ps.
Women and men are ABSOLUTELY allowed to tell you what to do with your body – when it violates their rights as they work and do public activities. Men shouldn’t be ashamed of their members, but I don’t want them whipping them out and waving them around as they use them for any part of their natural, beautiful, awe-inspiring, healthy function. In fact, I believe we call men who do this “flashers,” arrest them, and put them on sexual predator lists if they even urinate too close to an elementary school or playground. So I don’t give a hoot if breastfeeding is natural, beautiful, awe-inspiring, or healthy. I still don’t want to see it, and I have a right to work or play in public without seeing your n*ps.

So please, moms… throw a blanket over them. That’s all I ask. Namaste.

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

I mainly used n*ps to hopefully cut down on people hunting for tatas on the interwebs to find themselves reading this blog. Not really my targeted audience, know what I mean green beans?

Header photo by Raychan on Unsplash.

Doing this one thing will help you snag a man

My recent success with tricking a man into dating me for longer than three weeks has created a ripple of excitement in my social groups. Everyone keeps asking how we met. Some are just trying to make conversation, but others are on a quest for information. Information that will help give them clues about how they should go about entrapping a man.*

black-widow-spider-2042047_1280 — Come to me my prettyyyyy

Never one to be restrained by the shackles of humility, I am assuming the responsibility to guide my single sistren towards the men of their dreams. Initially I was planning to put together a master list of all the sly techniques I used to rope in my boo,** but instead I think I will start with just one powerful tool.

She who intends to snag a man must first know a man. -C Gallo

That’s right. Men must be aware of your existence in order for them to succumb to your advances. The more men you know, the more likely you are to meet someone whom you actually like and who actually likes you.

Now, let us explore why you might not know any men. Off the top of my head, let us consider that 1) you are not involved in any activities, hobbies, or groups in which you would ever meet a man, and 2) Well.. no, I think point #1 pretty much covers it.

“C Gallo! Whatever doth thou mean?” Thou might be exclaiming. Well, I have noticed a theme among many women who are unhappily free of betrothment: their daily lives almost seem specifically designed to never intersect with a red-blooded*** male except by pure serendipity.

Si, my lovely senoritas. Working in human resources, getting your nails done, attending jewelry-making parties, and joining the local garden club is probably not going to open you up to many naturalistic opportunities to meet men. Sure, you may meet a few. Of those few, it is technically possible that a few of those will be straight. Of those, a few may be single AND remotely attractive. Technically. But then you’re left with 0.32 males, which not only puts you in a desperate position but is also mathematically awkward. So how to expand the mildewy pond of lackluster Jo-Jos into a sparkling pool of eligible baches?

I recommend the following: Engage in anything that men would have fun doing and involves interaction. Try swapping your night digging through a local boutique for a shooting session at the range. Instead of doing yoga, do kung-fu. Instead of planning ladies-only events, host a game night and invite boys. Join a coed kickball team. Go rock climbing. You get the idea!

A few caveats I must include –

I can’t guarantee you will find oodles of men who want to date you immediately. You are likely to meet many menfolk who should be pals-only. That is not bad. Enjoy them! Guy friends are the best! Plus, knowing 10 men instead of 1 man (who is your best friend’s hubby) will increase your odds by 1000%.
I understand you may be participating in a crochet convention because that is your natural interest. Moreover, maybe shooting guns offends your sensibilities, and you genuinely dislike doing anything more physically challenging than lifting your phone above your head for that perfect selfie angle. I’m not telling anyone to change their personality. But I would strongly urge you to not immediately rule out all activities that tend to be male-dominated purely because they are a little outside of your comfort zone or you fear you would be the only woman there. If you are … good! Less competition, less women to kill!
I beg of you! Don’t only engage in an activity in order to meet men. You will come across thirsty. Do something that even if you haven’t met anyone eligible within 6 months, will give you a new skill or experience that sparks joy in your ticker. Best life, people, best life!

I have most definitely rocked your ballet socks right off. You can thank me later. For now, go forth and carpe hominis!

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

* you don’t have to be *so* amused by this! Hurtful!

**I don’t feel comfortable sharing my black magic in this public forum.

***I’m absolutely certain this will rub someone the wrong way, but Ima say it. I’m talking about men who are unabashedly men. Men who can change a tire, squash a bug without crying, and will never steal your scarf to jazz up their outfit. You get the idea. If you don’t want a red blooded male, by all means stay the course!

Nap, Interrupted

There is a ritual in my home. It is constant as the tides, intricate as the shifting of winds, as majestic and mysterious as Chris Hemsworth’s hair. It is the process of my dog Bear getting on the couch.

It begins with the The Look. Sarah McLachan would weep to see Bear in the throes of cushion depravation. He rests his chin on the sofa and casts the Gaze of Supplication towards me. I respond, “C’mon up, buddy.” He considers, then turns to my husband, seated next to me. Bear’s body language suggests he will need written authorization from all parties currently occupying the couch.

It is important to stop here and note that Bear is – and has always been – allowed on the sofa. At no point in his life has he gotten in trouble for getting onto our furniture. Regardless, he watches my husband anxiously for a sign of acceptance. Once that is attained, he lifts his chin, hesitates, then puts it back down. Thus begins The Encouraging.

The Encouraging starts with one of us slapping the sofa cushion and saying, “Up!” Bear is unconvinced. We tuck our feet, move cushions, and clear off any item that Bear may see as obstructing his way up. His eyes accuse our callous indifference to his plight. He remains on the floor. Then comes the freestyle phase. We pat the cushion while chanting “BEAR BEAR BEAR BEAR” in unison, mixing in an occasional “Up!” and slap to Bear’s rump. The key here is enthusiasm. When perfectly executed, the chanting and pounding of cushions steadily increases in volume and tempo until at the crescendo Bear’s ears prick forward, he sweeps his tail in the Wag of Acceptance, and leaps up to his rightful place.

However, Bear also enjoys a variation of our ritual called the False Start. When The Encouraging has reached fever pitch and the sofa is quaking from the fury of our blows, his ears prick forward. He shifts his weight forward. His muscles tense. And he walks off, sits down and scratches his ear. This constitutes a reset, and the ritual begins anew.

With or without the variation, it all ends with Bear sprawled across the couch, taking up more space than me and my husband combined, cheeks puffing and making little puppy woofs while he dreams of apprehending squirrels.

Routines and rituals fill our lives. Some are mindless. Some are harmful. Some are holy. Some are necessary structure, like brushing your teeth. And some are just there to make you smile every day. It’s helpful to occasionally think about our patterns, so we can strengthen the good, change the bad, and appreciate the absurdities that bring us joy.