You can’t Make-Up this stuff

I need to disclose something that pains me deeply. Long long ago I watched – and shared – a satirical video about what beauty instructionals would look like in 1999. Since then, my recommended Facebook videos have started to slowly creep in makeup tutorials – and more recently, celebrity skin care regimes – and most recently, REACTIONS to celebrity skin care regimes.

I desperately want to tell you all that I sneer in derision and keep scrolling. But I can’t, because I don’t. I. am. mesmerized. by these stupid videos! I spiraled so hard I watched not one but two seasons of Glow Up. Geez.

The video that started it all!


The real kicker, though, is I usually find the final looks … distasteful. So many of them are skilled, in the sense that they have artistically altered their face with a precision and control that even my surgically trained hands wouldn’t dare to attempt. But, in general, the looks are unapproachable at best, and somewhat psychotic at worst. I can’t imagine walking up to someone with false eyelashes so long they’re smacking me in the face.

What disturbs me the most about it is that most of these people are little teeny boppers. I’ve seen a 14 year old school her mom on her skin care and makeup regime. On one hand I think, “bully for you,” but on the other hand I think, “NO! Be a teenager and look awkward for a while!” I honestly think it’s bad for your psychological, social, and .. spiritual ?! development to look too perfect when you’re a teen. Smearing $74 of skin care products and make up on your face when you’re that young just seems so.. wrongly focused. I understand these youts are not 7, but still. They are not adults. There is so much time to obsessively worry about and launch a full-on battle against skin imperfections as you enter the workforce with a fancy degree and realize you somehow have both acne AND wrinkles, the most insulting combination of all time. But when you’re a chillin, go to a concert and slap on some mascara because you’re feeling flirty. There’s no need to have a 15 step nighttime regime and spend 1-2 hours every day creating a complicated make up look with the obsessive idea that your skin should look as smooth as a Pixar movie character. We’re human. Our skin is not perfectly smooth, even toned, or pore-free. Get over it and move on .

Moreover and thusly therefore, I * guarantee * you that the makeup we find so sophisicated and advanced today will seem ridiculous in a few years. And the “science” behind current skin care is 100% guaranteed to change. So please don’t wake up 10 years from now and realize you spent 40% of your paycheck and 70% of your time on make up and skin care regimes that didn’t make you a better person, didn’t help you reach any actually useful goals, and will likely just be comedy material for the next generation.

.. But watching these videos as a sophisticated critic is VERY NORMAL.

Forever your wrinkly writer ❤