Report: Dating couple “thrilled” about relentless hints about marriage over the holidays


Local couple Rebecca and Max have both always loved the holidays, but this year is more special than ever. Over Thanksgiving and the Christmas season, the couple has encountered dozens of extended family members hinting darkly about nuptials.

“It’s exhilarating to be grilled about the future of your relationship in front of your entire family and significant other while you’re trying to relax,” Rebecca gushed. She explained that dating years are like dog years. Having been with Max for longer than 6 months, they are seen as life partners.

“Rebecca usually flies through the men so fast, her relationship with Max has whipped us all into a frenzy,” Rebecca’s Aunt Jean explained. “Not only did we see Max at Easter, he’s still here at Thanksgiving. It’s cute how they seem to have a Kurt Russell-Goldie Hawn thing going on.”

Max mentioned he enjoys reminders about the length of his and Rebecca’s relationship paired with expert advice on how quickly to progress the relationship. “I honestly didn’t know how long Rebecca and I had been dating, until my cousin reminded me. It was such a blessing to hear what the appropriate stage of commitment Rebecca and I should be at right now.”

Rebecca especially enjoys the educational conferences from family members and friends about her biological limitations. “I have a PhD in neuroscience, but I guess we never covered human reproduction in relation to aging. Who knew I had such little time left!” Rebecca marveled.

Max and Rebecca both confirmed neither of them had even considered the future of their relationship before their familyies brought up so many good points. “I never really thought of Rebecca as wife material,” Max explained. “But after all these these distant family members told me where our relationship should be, I guess I’m headed to the ring shop.” Rebecca chimed in “That is so incredibly romantic, babe! We can’t waste these eggs, now can we?”

What’s Rebecca’s and Max’s Christmas wish? “That all dating couples had families and friends that were so helpful and informative as ours!”

Feliz Navidad! 😉






An immodest proposal for the reinstatement of arranged marriages

I don’t know why so many people pretend like having a dynamo dating life is living the dream. Oh yes, it is an utter delight to either get your heart broken, break someone else’s heart, or both.

“Poppycock!” – Dr. Galloswag

But dating sucks because we moderns have made it suck. Our past few generations have an undue obsession with relationships and romance. I mean, smart, good lookin’, healthy, goodhearted, financially stable people feel legitimately bad  – like, they don’t even enjoy their life – simply because they’re single. And one of the main reasons they are single is *not* because there is no one available. It’s because, with each of the 1,482 different people they met through HarmoniousBagelMatch in the past month, “we didn’t have a romantic connection,” or “our Myers-Briggs types were incompatible,” or “she had man hands.”

In the olden days, they didn’t have time to worry about this nonsense. They were fleeing angry ostriches or trying to resist eating their own toes during the winter. I doubt pre-modern women often looked over at pre-modern Jo-Jo and thought, “I don’t know, he just doesn’t make me laugh.”

Right now we’ve become way too picky because we have too many options. We now rule people out for having unseemly arm hair because— we can. There’s this itch in the back of our heads – “I can do better.

When you have this many options, you’re bound to 1) take forever to choose 2) be certain you *could* have made a better choice, no matter what you choose (pixabay image)

But what does that mean, exactly – to “do better?” Have we really reduced personal relationships to a game of ego, where we’re all trying to outsmart the system and snag someone who is just a tad out of our league?

This is why we need to return to arranged marriages. It doesn’t have to be quite as parentally-subservient as it was in the past. Each person should construct a 4-6 person “Matrimonial Selection Committee,” between the ages of 18 and 25. Within one year of selecting the MSC, they need to present to the committee their non-negotiables (e.g. “loves Tim Keller) and perhaps a few special preferences (e.g. “uses emojis liberally”). The MSC will then take this information and undergo a 6-12 month search for a suitable mate. At the end of said search, they will present the person with their choice. The person can say yes, or be single for the rest of their life. Simple.

Look, this may seem overly cut-and-dry, but it’s really not. As Lewis Smedes and Tim Keller argue – the promising and commitment is what gives us the security and freedom to truly invest in each other and love without fear of abandonment (in TK’s The Meaning of Marriage). So I’m pretty sure that if we just made a commitment to almost anyone with the same general values (or faith, if you have one), we would flourish like a well-watered begonia.

Picky singles, this could be you. (pixabay image)

Arranged marriages, FTW!