Wanted: Social Media Husband

 A recent survey* of single females between the ages of 21-40 uncovered an interesting trend: one of the top reasons that women want to get married, second only to “I need someone to open this jar of pickles,” is to amp up their social media game. “I feel like it’s more acceptable to constantly post pictures of yourself when someone else is in them, and it’s under the guise of praising your spouse,” a survey participant explained. But I think we’d all agree that it’s a little crass to get married for real for the sole purpose of jazzing your social media presence. But I’ve never been one to think inside the box, and I’m deeply sensitive to the needs of the single sisterhood. Therefore, I have crafted a handy template for single women everywhere to advertise for Social Media Husbands. Please feel free to use and adapt as necessary – this is my free gift to you!
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free image from pixabay.com. Please don’t ask why this wanted sign looks like Captain America’s shield. *sigh* #poorbloggerstruggles

WANTED: Male between the ages of 25-35 to serve as Facebook husband. Minimum 5 year commitment, or until procurement of real husband .

Duties and tasks

  • Must be willing to change profile status to ‘married’

Minimum picture requirements 

  • Couple shots for
    • Valentine’s Day
    • Easter
    • Independence Day
    • Halloween
    • Thanksgiving
    • Christmas
    • Wedding Anniversary
    • First-date Anniversary
    • First-time-we-met Anniversary
    • Every time we eat a meal together
  • 1 “just cause” photo shoot with matching white polos and khakis 1x/year
  • Inappropriately intimate pic of female sleeping 2x/year
  • Silly Snapchat face swap 2x/month
  • Candid shot of female with accompanying flattery and praise 2x/week
  • Must understand importance of filters that make female look better

Minimum posting requirements 

  • Effusive post praising the sacrificial, ultra-spiritual heart of female 3x/week
  • React positively to every post of female
  • Like every one of female’s comments on other users’ posts
  • Support female in social media battles

Physical requirements 

  • Skin tone needs to complement female’s
  • Height needs to exceed height of female when wearing 4″ heels
  • Weight needs to be 30-60 lbs over female’s weight
  • Eyes need to shine with goodness and humility
  • Attractiveness needs to be above average, but not so attractive that female seems less attractive by comparison

Please submit applications via direct message. Only applications that include 1) head shot 2) cover letter 3) instagram portfolio will be considered. 

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

* Galloswag, 2017, personal imagination.

Confused by bae? How to know *everything* you’ve been wondering about

Do you find yourself wondering often about what your wife is actually thinking? Would you like to know if Jo-Jo’s flirtations mean he likes you? Is your boyfriend’s odd change in behavior a sign that he’s cheating on you? Don’t spend another minute worrying your pretty little noggin’!! I have come up with a revolutionary way to discover EVERYTHING you’ve ever wondered about your significant other (or bae* as the youths say)!!!

 

How to know if he/she is cheating on you 

Step 1: Ask, “Are you cheating on me?”

How to know if he/she is THINKING about cheating on you

Step 1: Ask, “Are you thinking about cheating on me?”

How to know if he/she is actually into you 

Step 1: Ask, “Are you into me?”

How to know what he/she really thinks about your friends 

Step 1: Ask, “What do you really think about my friends?”

How to know if he/she loves you

Step 1: Ask, “Do you love me?”

How to know if he/she is into your best friend

Step 1: Ask, “Are you into my best friend?”

How to know if he/she is gay/lesbian

Step 1: Ask, “Do you do rows for bros or curls for the girls?”

How to know if he/she is happy 

Step 1: Ask, “Are you happy?”

How to know if he/she is psycho

Step 1: Ask, “Have you ever been diagnosed with a psychotic disorder?”

How to know if he/she is serious about you

Step 1: Ask, “Are you serious about me?”

How to know if he/she wants to marry you 

Step 1: Ask, “Would you ever want to marry me?”

This plan is stunning in its simplicity, and breathtaking in its effectiveness!** No more watching for those 4, 8, 23, or 7,322 “signs that your significant other is _________” No background experience in lie detection, manipulation, or advanced degree in subtle body language required. Open to all mature adults with the ability to speak, write, or thematically dance.

Don’t delay – Ask now! 

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*As of 2016. If I know about it, it’s probably not tubular anymore.

**I know some of you may be thinking “Galloswag, you fool – some people lie!” And Galloswag sez, “If you don’t trust someone enough to answer these questions honestly, I highly recommend running away as fast as you can.” Not to mention — some of these questions are like, geez, if you’re even ASKING.. run as fast as you can. PLUS, if you ask and they lie, it’s all on them. But until then, if you persist in counting the number of times they blink when they answer, hacking into their snapchat account, or putting up a spy cam in their office – you are probably the problem, not them.