A recent survey* of single females between the ages of 21-40 uncovered an interesting trend: one of the top reasons that women want to get married, second only to “I need someone to open this jar of pickles,” is to amp up their social media game. “I feel like it’s more acceptable to constantly post pictures of yourself when someone else is in them, and it’s under the guise of praising your spouse,” a survey participant explained. But I think we’d all agree that it’s a little crass to get married for real for the sole purpose of jazzing your social media presence. But I’ve never been one to think inside the box, and I’m deeply sensitive to the needs of the single sisterhood. Therefore, I have crafted a handy template for single women everywhere to advertise for Social Media Husbands. Please feel free to use and adapt as necessary – this is my free gift to you!
WANTED: Male between the ages of 25-35 to serve as Facebook husband. Minimum 5 year commitment, or until procurement of real husband .
Duties and tasks
- Must be willing to change profile status to ‘married’
Minimum picture requirements
- Couple shots for
- Valentine’s Day
- Easter
- Independence Day
- Halloween
- Thanksgiving
- Christmas
- Wedding Anniversary
- First-date Anniversary
- First-time-we-met Anniversary
- Every time we eat a meal together
- 1 “just cause” photo shoot with matching white polos and khakis 1x/year
- Inappropriately intimate pic of female sleeping 2x/year
- Silly Snapchat face swap 2x/month
- Candid shot of female with accompanying flattery and praise 2x/week
- Must understand importance of filters that make female look better
Minimum posting requirements
- Effusive post praising the sacrificial, ultra-spiritual heart of female 3x/week
- React positively to every post of female
- Like every one of female’s comments on other users’ posts
- Support female in social media battles
Physical requirements
- Skin tone needs to complement female’s
- Height needs to exceed height of female when wearing 4″ heels
- Weight needs to be 30-60 lbs over female’s weight
- Eyes need to shine with goodness and humility
- Attractiveness needs to be above average, but not so attractive that female seems less attractive by comparison
Please submit applications via direct message. Only applications that include 1) head shot 2) cover letter 3) instagram portfolio will be considered.
— EDITORIAL NOTES —
* Galloswag, 2017, personal imagination.
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