Confused by bae? How to know *everything* you’ve been wondering about

Do you find yourself wondering often about what your wife is actually thinking? Would you like to know if Jo-Jo’s flirtations mean he likes you? Is your boyfriend’s odd change in behavior a sign that he’s cheating on you? Don’t spend another minute worrying your pretty little noggin’!! I have come up with a revolutionary way to discover EVERYTHING you’ve ever wondered about your significant other (or bae* as the youths say)!!!

 

How to know if he/she is cheating on you 

Step 1: Ask, “Are you cheating on me?”

How to know if he/she is THINKING about cheating on you

Step 1: Ask, “Are you thinking about cheating on me?”

How to know if he/she is actually into you 

Step 1: Ask, “Are you into me?”

How to know what he/she really thinks about your friends 

Step 1: Ask, “What do you really think about my friends?”

How to know if he/she loves you

Step 1: Ask, “Do you love me?”

How to know if he/she is into your best friend

Step 1: Ask, “Are you into my best friend?”

How to know if he/she is gay/lesbian

Step 1: Ask, “Do you do rows for bros or curls for the girls?”

How to know if he/she is happy 

Step 1: Ask, “Are you happy?”

How to know if he/she is psycho

Step 1: Ask, “Have you ever been diagnosed with a psychotic disorder?”

How to know if he/she is serious about you

Step 1: Ask, “Are you serious about me?”

How to know if he/she wants to marry you 

Step 1: Ask, “Would you ever want to marry me?”

This plan is stunning in its simplicity, and breathtaking in its effectiveness!** No more watching for those 4, 8, 23, or 7,322 “signs that your significant other is _________” No background experience in lie detection, manipulation, or advanced degree in subtle body language required. Open to all mature adults with the ability to speak, write, or thematically dance.

Don’t delay – Ask now! 

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*As of 2016. If I know about it, it’s probably not tubular anymore.

**I know some of you may be thinking “Galloswag, you fool – some people lie!” And Galloswag sez, “If you don’t trust someone enough to answer these questions honestly, I highly recommend running away as fast as you can.” Not to mention — some of these questions are like, geez, if you’re even ASKING.. run as fast as you can. PLUS, if you ask and they lie, it’s all on them. But until then, if you persist in counting the number of times they blink when they answer, hacking into their snapchat account, or putting up a spy cam in their office – you are probably the problem, not them.

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