Famous blogger sues boyfriend for squelching her creative angst

-ATLANTA

Famous blogger Cgallo, author of Galloblog, is suing her boyfriend for ruining her ability to write long, rambling blog posts about singleness and casual dating.

“For over 18 months, my god-awful dating life fueled a multitude of posts that appealed to a niche group of angsty singles,” Cgallo stated in a press release blasted to all 17 of her followers on Facebook. 

“Then [the defendant] Max came into my life and has made it exceedingly difficult to feel sorry for myself or be filled with energizing anger,” the plaintiff explained.   

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Galloblog readers seem to agree that Max has really been a wet blanket on the fiery angst that initially drew them in.

“Reading Galloblog posts used to always make me feel like I had my life together, at least in comparison. Now I have to read about science and general life advice? Awful!” One reader complained.

Cgallo is suing her boyfriend Max Powers for $100,000. $40 of that is to compensate for the reduced Wordads clicks on her blog from reduced reader interest after her relationship began, and the other $99,960 is for damage to ego from lackluster Facebook engagements with Galloblog posts. 

Max Powers has not made any official comments on the lawsuit, although there have been rumors that he referred to Cgallo as a “nutto” in private text conversations. 

Until the suit is settled, it is recommended that all Galloblog readers send Cgallo their most bizarre and traumatic dating woes so that Cgallo can be vicariously fueled for more zesty posts on romanticals. 

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According to Facebook, women are grossy-gross

I used to completely ignore all advertisements, until targeted ads became a thing. Now I’m not seeing an ad because of random chance, but because some marketing algorithm (or nefarious robot??) specifically targeted me ..because of my own browser activities, stated interests, etc.

Being the natural narcissist that I am, the new targeting strategies have made me intrigued in the ads that are selected for me. I thought it would be funsies to try to figure out what sort of niche marketing demographic I’m in – thinking they profiled me as Hip-but-No-Nonsense-Overeducated-but-Whimsical-Millennial —- but also kind of hoping they would profile me as Skilled-Assassin-with-Heart-of-Gold-and-Exquisite-Taste-in-Whiskey. But! Once I began looking into my ads — I mean realllly looking into them — I was crushed. Social media sites don’t think I’m hip or whimsical, or a badarse criminal… social media apparently thinks I’m a desperate old-maid with several, ehh.. womanly problems. 😥

For example —

desperatesingle

There is of course the ever present, ever mocking – WE KNOW YOU’RE SINGLE, JUST GET MARRIED TO A BIBLE BARRY ALREADY!!!

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flabby

Ouchhhhh on Instagram, no less! Where I post all my pictures… somehow a robot has determined I’m high risk for fat rolls. WOW

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heavyperiods

You don’t know me, Facebook! Get out of my ovaries!

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limppony

Even my poor lil pony isn’t safe! Geeezzzzzz

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pitsweats

This one I took extremely personally. Sweat is healthy and detoxifying, you jerks!!

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facialhair

To add insult to injury, now Facebook just assumes that I’m growing a full beard

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So even when I’m just trying to check up on my friends, get a few lolz for the day.. I’m told that I 1) need a man pronto 2) need to reign in my flab 3) have disgusting periods; probably due to chronic illness 4) have a lame pony game 5) have socially unacceptable pit stains 6) am turning into wolf-man.

This is just in one log-in!! And people wonder why women are so “obsessed” with our looks.. maybe because everyday we are bombarded by images telling us how disgusting we are.

Oh, but don’t forget women — love yourself and be confident!

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the 6 stages of post-break-up grief, in gifs

#1 – Nothing but pure, unadulterated despair

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#2 – when you realize it’s really over and most of the great men in the world got married when they were 19

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#3 – you let all the positive affirmations from friends and family sink in.. maybe goes to your head

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#4 – you decide you hate men and resign yourself to be a cat lady forevs

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#5 – but then your hormones make a strong case for staying in the game

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#6 – hope for the future

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Fight aggressive activism with passive aggression!

As many others have said better than I have, fb has become near intolerable. We’ve been rolling our eyes at exhibitionists* and passive-aggressive posts for years, but throughout the 2016 election and – good Lort, especially after Trump’s inauguration – my fb feed has been inundated with self-righteous-apocalyptic-hyperactivism posts. I’ve already talked about dismounting the activism high horse myself, but I think now it’s time to take back our beloved fb feed by force.**

How do you fight against obnoxiously aggressive activism? By being obnoxiously passive aggressive, of course. Therefore, I have made reaction gifs that should fit each and every post. Because let’s be real, most people just want to impress people that they are modern, concerned peoples. So let’s give them what they want, as obnoxiously as possible. Instead of commenting, just post these gifs for each type of post.

1) For those “I’m going to write a 5 page essay to show you how right I am about this” posts

2) For those “All white people / males / straight people etc. etc. should just all go kill themselves and feel super guilty” posts
3) For those “Let’s all get depressed about some horrible social issue” posts
4) For those “I will rise above you dirty scumbags” posts
5) For all other self-righteous-apolcalyptic-hyperactivism posts, otherwise unspecified
I realize this is coming across as a bit snarky. Well, my feed has induced this snark. I don’t doubt that some of my friends truly care about these issues… but I don’t care that they care. Please post a pic of your cat. Thx.***
If THIS post has inspired YOU, please send me more suggestions! Let’s start a massive conglomeration of passive-aggressiveness.
— EDITORIAL NOTES —
*Fancy term for “people who post too many pictures of themselves and think that we care what they ate for dinner every night.” I am a perfect example of this.
**I really do take life and issues seriously. But I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – there is no worse place to discuss politics than on fb. Dr. Galloswag sez, “Discussing politics online shrivels every dendrite in our brains.” I have truly developed a deep dislike for so many of my “friends” now because of their SRAH posts. But I’m not advocating for a lack of action per se – I’m advocating against broadcasting every action you take. You go and change the world, little tiger. If you actually do something important, trust me, the world will recognize you.
***I have a feeling I will regret this post later. But rn, Claire Bear Don’t Care. All this endless barrage of profound outrage has induced profound apathy in yours truly.