How to read Galloblog by Enneagram type

The enneagram – a personality classification scheme that divides people by their basic fears and motivations – has taken the world by storm. People are obsessed. There are posts about which songs you should listen to , which bible character you are (lolz!), how your house looks, which type of person you should choose to be your partner, which type of job suits you best … all according to your enneagram type!

Wowsers! Is it legit? Is it a bunch of psychological mumbo jumbo? Does it have ties to satanic cults? Who cares! Never one to have a strong voice on controversial topics*, C Gallo is here to exploit the obsession with the enneagram for her own needs.** So for all of your extreme pleasure and to fuel the craze, please see my below recommendations of Galloblog posts according to each enneagram type! Note: I based all of this according the brief summaries of each type provided by the enneagram institute.

Type 1: The Reformer

  • Basic Fear: Of being corrupt/evil, defective
  • Basic Desire: To be good, to have integrity, to be balanced
  • Galloblog post must-read: The good of guilt
If you’re super afraid of being evil, you probs strug with guilt I’d wager!

Type 2: The Helper

Free yourself from too much people pleasing!

Type 3: The Achiever

Don’t let yourself get so focused on accomplishing that you forget to stop and smell the blog posts!

Type 4: The Individualist

  • Basic Fear: That they have no identity or personal significance
  • Basic Desire: To find themselves and their significance (to create an
       identity)
  • Galloblog post must-read: How to be a snowflake, for realz
Follow my simple tips and you really will be an extremely unique individual!

Type 5: The Investigator

You can stop over-analyzing and treat yoself to some daisy-laying!

Type 6: The Loyalist

Be currful the people who are giving you support aren’t just riding high off of your lows!

Type 7: The Enthusiast

  • Basic Fear: Of being deprived and in pain
  • Basic Desire: To be satisfied and content—to have their needs fulfilled
  • Galloblog post must-read: In search of chill
You may need to take it down a notch

Type 8: The Challenger

  • Basic Fear: Of being harmed or controlled by others
  • Basic Desire: To protect themselves (to be in control of their own life
    and destiny)
  • Galloblog post must-read: Pity the fool
Making yourself vulnerable can be a position of strength!

Type 9: The Peacemaker

Hint: this is a sarcastic post. Read if your fear of loss and separation has been turning you into a Dwelling Dwayne!

What’s that you ask, what if you are a Type 7 with a 1 wing? Hmmmm better read all of my posts just to be safe! 😉

—- EDITORIAL NOTES —-

* [snorts]

** Might she be an 8?!

Famous blogger sues boyfriend for squelching her creative angst

-ATLANTA

Famous blogger Cgallo, author of Galloblog, is suing her boyfriend for ruining her ability to write long, rambling blog posts about singleness and casual dating.

“For over 18 months, my god-awful dating life fueled a multitude of posts that appealed to a niche group of angsty singles,” Cgallo stated in a press release blasted to all 17 of her followers on Facebook. 

“Then [the defendant] Max came into my life and has made it exceedingly difficult to feel sorry for myself or be filled with energizing anger,” the plaintiff explained.   

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Galloblog readers seem to agree that Max has really been a wet blanket on the fiery angst that initially drew them in.

“Reading Galloblog posts used to always make me feel like I had my life together, at least in comparison. Now I have to read about science and general life advice? Awful!” One reader complained.

Cgallo is suing her boyfriend Max Powers for $100,000. $40 of that is to compensate for the reduced Wordads clicks on her blog from reduced reader interest after her relationship began, and the other $99,960 is for damage to ego from lackluster Facebook engagements with Galloblog posts. 

Max Powers has not made any official comments on the lawsuit, although there have been rumors that he referred to Cgallo as a “nutto” in private text conversations. 

Until the suit is settled, it is recommended that all Galloblog readers send Cgallo their most bizarre and traumatic dating woes so that Cgallo can be vicariously fueled for more zesty posts on romanticals. 

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Stuffz Gallo Likes: How John Crist encouraged me to blog with wild abandon

 

Here’s the dealio-yo: I have several persons and things that I’m lowkey obsessed with. I will therefore use this blog as a platform to explain to you, dearest of readers, why I love them so much. Why? Well,  Misery may love company, but Fangirling marries and has babies with it, amiright?

Without further ado, this Stuffz Gallo Likes pilot episode is going to feature *drum roll * JOHN CRIST!

 

Let’s start with the obvs: John Crist is a comedic genius. His Instagram stories have made me giggle through some of my darkest hours (my favorite of his highlighted ig stories – Yoga and Buc-ee’s). His videos Christian Mingle Inspector and the Church Hunters episodes are satire at its BEST, and I watched this Bible Verse Lady video at least 14 times and lol’d every time. His stand-up makes me want to stand up and dance and cheer, know what I mean green bean?

 

But John Crist is worth more than a lolz. If his comedy is gold, his thoughtful contemplations are platinum. ⚡️ He genuinely inspired me in an interview with Sam Collier,  radio host of A Greater Story. John said “[People are] like ‘Hey, I want to be a comic. I like what you do up there. What do you think about this bit?’ And I say … ‘If you believe in it, just go do it.’  … I respect anyone who just shows up.”

 

Amy Poehler said something similar in the beginning of her book Yes, Please!:“Remember, the talking about the thing isn’t the thing. The doing of the thing is the thing.

 

I need to hear this, maybe every day. I have so many ideas – for blog posts, books, science experiments, entrepreneurial pursuits – some of which for sure border on brilliance… but if all I do is jabber about them or wait for someone else to validate them, it doesn’t matter. What should matter is if I think the ideas are good and/or funny and/or true. If they are, I should stop talking about it and make it happen. If they’re not, I should shut up and move on.

 

As my wise Majer once exclaimed, “Poo or get off the pot!”

 

Ben Stiller Jewish GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

 

 But wait, there’s more! Later in the interview, John says “People ask me all the time, ‘Would you ever delete a tweet… would you ever delete a video .. would you ever delete something that wasn’t successful?’ I would say no, because that is giving people the power that you made it for them.”

Yowza. Some of my favorite posts get almost no views, and I have been tempted to go back and delete some of these shamefully unpopular posts. But I love John’s advice here. If I’m blogging for you – dear as you are – it probably won’t be as “true,” and definitely not as fun. I’ll either be constantly frustrated by my failure to engage people, or turn into a puppet, á la Billy Joel’s The Entertainer. So unfortunately for all of you, I’m going to keep posting stuff that, well, I like. All the better if some of you like it, too. But if not… ¯\_()_/¯  

 

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If this is how 99% of my readers respond to my blog posts, so be it. SO BE IT!!!!!!

 

In toto, THANK YOU JOHN, I LOVE YOU!* ❤ ❤ ❤

 

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— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*As a sister in Christ, obvs…. #superchrish I’m not actually in love with him, for realz. Although a recent ex-boyfriend once asked me “If you love him so much, why don’t you marry him?” To which I sez, “Jokes on you – I already did.” At which he looked slightly amused, but also bemused. In restrospect, that was probably the beginning of the end. *gazes at John Crist poster plastered to ceiling* Dammit John, I hope you’re worth it.

 

 

The End of an Era: Gallo’s final words on romanticals

Dear ones,

I have greatly enjoyed opening up my heart to foreign internet bots, passionate masculinazis, and my exes (recent market research indicated these three groups comprise 96.8% of Galloblog readers). But, the over-sharing sun has set, and the moon of discretion is rising.

I will no longer use this blog as an outlet to share the good, bad, ugly, and rando details of my dating life.

 

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New year (kinda), so new life strategies, amiright?!

 

But don’t worry – I’m planning to write a lengthy manifesto titled “No Sex and the Kitties: How following Joshua Harris’ model for dating turned me into a lonely cat lady” available 2021.

As another parting gift, I’m leaving final thoughts that I had jotted down and I probably would have tried to pound out into an entire post for all of your reading pleasure. Alas, maybe someone else will stumble upon them and be set aflame with inspiration.

Here they are,  in no particular order —-

  • He’s not that into you, and get over it. It’s not the end of the world if someone you’re dating isn’t swept off their feet by your charms. Sure, it’s always a blow to the ol’ ego, especially if you are a little swept away by them. But by pure statistics, it’s bound to happen – get over it, give it some time, and who knows— you might gain an amazing friend.

 

  • If you expect them, they will come.  I think sometimes presupposing that all men are arse-holes is a self-fulfilling prophecy (maybe bc the good ‘uns are *for some reason* not attracted to our contempt). So yeah — expect to meet amazing men, and you probably will.

 

  • There really are many fish in the sea – don’t give in to the scarcity complex and latch onto people who are grossly incompatible with you.

 

  • We need to be more gracious about people’s pasts. It’s more important how someone has dealt with their past and what their trajectory is now, than that they have lived a perfect life since birth.

 

  • Let’s make dating fun again. It’s okay to get to know someone in a relaxed, casual manner. No need to dissect their worldview and see the last 6 months of their credit card statements on the first few dates.

 

  • A call for exclusive cas. Dating more than one person at a time – even when they all know you’re not being exclusive – sounds easy and breezy, but was a terrible idea for me. I was emotionally spread thin and unnecessarily hurt some really great people. From now on, as much as possible — even if I don’t tell the dude I’m doing so — I’m going to focus on one romancer at a time.

 

  • (That being said), Dating and hurt feels.. like peas and carrots. Listen up people — there’s no secret technique for avoiding hurting your own or someone else’s feelings. That being said, it is worth trying to be as considerate as possible.

 

  • I could be single forever. If so, what a waste to wallow around feeling sorry for myself, or work myself into an emotional frenzy each and every time I go on a few dates with someone I see potential with. Like the secular sage Joel Osteen declares, Live your best life now! Lolzzzzz. But seriously — I feel like keeping the big picture in mind has helped me not wait for an ideal relationship status before I start doing stuff (traveling, trying out new restaurants, etc.). It also makes me want to invest more in really great frands #ovariesbeforebrovaries

 

  • Don’t buy into the relationship prosperity gospel. God does not owe you a perfect spouse because you courted instead of dated, if you’re saving yourself for marriage, or whatever. And if you haven’t followed Joshua Harris’ … or Marshal Segal’s … or Ben Stuart’s relationship books perfectly, God may very well still choose to bless your socks off in the romantic department. Yep.. *squints knowingly in the distance* It’s called grace.

 

I just gave you 9 blog posts in 1. Lucky day, lucky day.

A part of me will miss this greatly. But a wise soul said to me a while ago – “Be careful who you invite to speak into your life.” Posting this pretty personal stuff for the entire world to read is essentially inviting the entire world to speak into my love life. Sorry Charlies, but I don’t want or need that no more.

I FEEL SO MATURE RIGHT NOW!

Okaayyyyyyy, C. Gallo out ❤

The disturbing truth about Galloblog’s readers

MOST OF THEM ARE MALE CHAUVINIST WEIRDOS!

.. This excludes my fb fam, of course … !

So I wrote this post a while back that was fairly straight-forward – I simply took a classic example of an article written for women that teemed with sickening fawning over the female sex and derision toward the male sex. Then, I changed the pronouns so that my lady readers would “woke” and realize that the way we talk about ourselves – especially in relation to men – is often very offensive.

Anyway – it’s one of my only posts that could be considered an “evergreen.” That is – I actually still consistently get daily hits from rando interwebbers on this blog post, even though it died a quick death in fb world.

Today I was looking over the search terms that people use to find my blog, and the overwhelming majority of them are “unknown search terms.”

 

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I usually make up my own data and facts for this blog, but this is for real. Hot of the press! Pie chart made in excel LIKE A BOSS!

 

But of that small minority of search terms that were actually registered, I was alarmed to find out that almost everyone coming to my page is a creepy male supremacist!

 

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Also real search terms, I promise. Also note these quantities represent 10,000 😉 Also note I praise-handed the terms that I actually want to lead people to my blog 😀

 

Y’all… I don’t know what to do. My only kinda-long-term-successful post is driving traffic to Galloblog from…. the Milo Yiannapoulos fan club?!?

If you are reading this because you want to woman-hate, move it along. Also, I’m not patheric, YOU ARE! Lolzzzz

 

Alarmedly yours,

Galloswag

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

I’m sorry if you were expecting an actual point or conclusion to this. This was about as “about nothing” as I’ve ever posted. But holy moly! What hath Galloswag wrought?

 

 

AUTOINTERVIEW: Renowned blogger shares her most intimate secrets with herself, and then you

 

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This isn’t me (or is it…????) but…. close enough (pixabay free image)

Believe it or not, Fall 2017 marked the passing of wee lil’ Galloblog from infancy into toddlerhood. In a belated celebration of 1 delightful year* of Galloblog’s astounding profundity and comedic brilliance, I wanted to check in with the mastermind of it all- Dr. Galloswag herself. After much coaxing and bribery, I convinced the shy, modest she-genius to open up about her hopes and dreams, blogging philosophy, recent felony conviction**, and more!

Q. You often begin your blogs with stories that lead into your main point. Are these all real stories?

A. Ha, well- usually. Sometimes my stories are mash-ups of my own experiences and the experiences of my friends. Or sometimes if something happened to me, I’ll write about it as if it’s a general phenomenon, or it happened to one of my friends — you know, just to give me a false sense of privacy. 😀 😀 😀

Q. Why do you write about being single so much? Are you desperate?

A. Wellll the answer to this question is two-fold. One, I write about singleness, dating, and relationships in probably less than half of my posts – but no one reads those. So the posts that actually register on your news feed are more likely to be the romantically-themed posts, because you nosy bastards are more likely to react, comment, share etc. those. I’m not obsessed, YOU ALL ARE OBSESSED. Two, I do like to write about being single – especially as a Christian, conservative (in a Rand Paul way), smarty-pants, late-twenties female in the south. I think it’s one of the few topic areas that I may actually have something unique and original to contribute. I care about many, many other things – politics, fitness, travel, black bean brownie recipes – but all of those topics have been covered ad nauseam in bloggo world. I also like to think young females ~10-15 years younger than me may read my stuff and be inspired to avoid the absurd, idiotic situations I’ve gotten myself into. I suppose I see myself as a potential interweb big sister. Looks out into the distance heroically  

Q. If you could have dinner with three people, who would it be? 

A. Easy! Brandon Sanderson (the best sci-fi/fantasy author in the worrrrllllldddd!!), Jimmy Fallon, and Tim Keller (duh).

Q. Why do you blog about your faith so much? Do you fancy yourself a priestess or something?

A. Ahh, no. BUT, one of the many reasons I like to write about my faith is because although there are so so so many blogs about Christianity – especially written by women for women – they all take themselves so golly-derned seriously. I think it may be good for the world to know that there are Christian women out there who love Jesus and have struggles and sometimes feel inadequate and blah blah blah, but can also snort-laugh at themselves and aren’t constantly indulging in spiritual navel-gazing.

Q. Which posts are you most and least proud of?

A. All my blogs are my little thought-babies, so it’s hard to pick. Hmm although it was not the most popular by any means, one of my favorite posts is Chronic smoker grateful for support of Alternative Health Community. No one really got it besides my mom, but I think it’s one of those posts that “those with ears to hear” will hear. As for my least favorite, the one and only post I have removed was about “The Honest PhDs Resume.” It was too pouty and negs, and I didn’t want potential employers finding it.

Q. How long will Galloblog blaze on?

A. For as long as I get kicks and giggles from it. My only rule for this blog is that the content has to flow from my brainz to my fingerz to the interwebz to your brainz like an easy, smooth, riviere des mots. As soon as I start stressing about it or feel stilted when I try to write stuff, this sucker is going down to Chinatown.

Q. What’s your biggest hope for Galloblog?

A. That John Crist will read it and fall in love with my mind, and then stalk me on social media and fall in love with my strong selfie-game, and then fly me out to LA to be his life comedy partner. ❤

With that, Galloswag jumped out of her chair, sprinted across the room and out the window to fight fascism, unrealistic beauty standards for women, and gluten.

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*.. and a few months.. I wrote this post out with pen and paper a loooong time ago at a coffee shop and forgot all about it.. whoops

**Content removed at Gallolawyers request.

 

 

Why I decided to take a step back from Galloblog

Friends, family, random interweb creepers, and international bots— you may have noticed that my rate of publishing has decreased dramatically.

It’s mainly bc I have no more ideas worth sharing.

I’m tired of posting things just for attention.

I don’t have anymore random thoughts that make me laugh, that I feel compelled to share with you.

I’ve matured past using this blog to procrastinate.

*laughs uproariously*

Basically all of that is false.. The strange truth is, I haven’t had a laptop since I quit my last postdoc, and until my new one comes in, I’m bumbling around on my tablet. It is a huge pain .. This one dumb post has taken me like 26 minutes and 33 seconds to write. NOT WORTH THE EFFORT, know what I mean green bean?!

Until my amazin’ raisin laptop comes in…

Yours (yes, you!!) forever (!),

Galloswag

 

 

 

 

How to keep your blog elite

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When you’re trying to make an elite hipster blog but you have too many followers.

I often drive to visit my fab fam in a city about 5 hours away. It is excruciating to just sit in the car by myself with my insane thoughts. So, I decided to make a video instead of write out a blog because as the great Derek Zoolander said, “[a blogger’s] life is a precious, precious commodity,” and we too can die in a freak, blog-posting-bc-bored, traffic accident.

Also I refuse to coin the term “Gallovlog” bc it sounds like a German hacking up a hairball.

ALSO if you are reading this I hope you your heart swells with pride that you are a true hipster who reads some obscure blog that no one else has heard about. 😉