comedy – galloblog

John Crist should not be canceled forever

This couldn’t be a complete farewell tour for Galloblog without a John Crist post, amiright? My thoughts about Crist have oscillated over the past year or so. I held back on posting anything about him for a while because posting during the peak of the cancellation storm seemed exploitative and icky.

But, here we are. Let’s recap, for those of you who do not stalk this blog –

November 2017 – I post an extremely silly post about how I broke off my engagement to John Crist. This post was written largely to poke fun at the desperado of single Christian women in the church (e.g. taking every friendly gesture from Christian men wayyyy to seriously).

Spring 2018- the engagement post starts getting *tons* of views. I realize some people are actually taking this seriously. I feel a combo of “lol” and “yay! Blog traffic!”

February 2019 – I notice I’m getting a lot of hits from Twitter, which is very unusual for my blog. I investigate 🧐 and discover someone is accusing John Crist of being abusive to women and is citing my satirical engagement post as proof. I think “lol” and “oh dear.” So I private message John Crist on Twitter and explain the situation and offer to take it down if he would like me to. He actually replied (!!!) and said to keep it up because it was funny. Then he also said to let him know if I wanted free tickets to his next show in my area. So of course I was like “Hellz yeah!”

April 2019 – he gives me 2 amazing tickets to his show. He tells me to come say hey after the show. We have this ironic jokey text exchange –

So my boyfriend, friend + hubs, and I all went to the back to see him. It was a very quick conversation , but it something along the lines of “yeah, people are so mean online. Let me know if anyone ever gives you any trouble!” And that was pretty much it. I even have photographic evidence (I cropped out my boyfriend’s face for privacy – but my bf is the true babu of my heart!).

So anyway, fast-forward to November 2019- Charisma News published a bombshell article John Crist Cancels 2019 Tour Dates After Reports of Sexting, Harassment, Manipulation that detailed the sexual misconduct allegations from five women. “According to multiple sources, Crist has exploited his Christian reputation and platform to harass, manipulate and exploit young women over the last seven years. The allegations include, but are not limited to, individually sexting multiple women during the same time period, initiating sexual relationships with married women and women in committed relationships, offering show tickets in exchange for sexual favors and repeatedly calling these women late at night while drunk.”

A day or two later, John Crist issued a written response-

“My behavior has been destructive and sinful. I’ve sinned against God, against women and the people who I love the most. I have violated my own Christian beliefs, convictions and values, and have hurt many people in the process,” Crist said. “I am sorry for the hurt and pain I have caused these women and will continue to seek their forgiveness. I have also hurt the name of Jesus and have sought His forgiveness.”

I shared the entire saga because I find it bizarre. Our entire exchange was very innocent. Did he have creepy plans, and then change his mind when I mentioned a boyfriend? Unlikely, given married women weren’t an obstacle. Did he change his mind when he saw me in person? Unlikely, given that I am exquisite. 😉 Could it be that it was because he was dating Lauren Alaina at the time? Maybe he offers free tickets to many people, and only occasionally got a little creepy-creeps?

I have no idea. I don’t think I will ever know, unless I asked him directly. But I am not going to abuse having his digits. Not to mention the dude has probably changed his number at this point. All I know for sure is that he treated me 100% appropriately.

Now, a graceless segue into the main point of this post – should John Crist be canceled forever? I’ve thought a little bit about this, and I think John Crist needs to come back. Forever cancellation would be way too harsh. Why?

His behavior was creepy, yes, but incredibly mild compared to “secular” comedians. Honestly if he wasn’t being labeled as an “evangelical Christian” – which I’m not even sure he would identify as – I don’t think anyone would even bat an eyelash. I mean good Lort, *opens can of worms* our President who is certainly not being shunned by the majority of Christian conservatives has unapologetically said and done much worse. And I’d like to float the idea that the personal failures of the U.S. President are more important than the personal failures of a comedian.
Yes, his comedy was centered around Christians and church culture, but he never claimed to be a spiritual leader or offered anything remotely spiritual during his comedy acts. So I don’t think he should be held to the standard of a pastor or some other spiritual leaders.
I hate this culture of wanting people to forever be buried because they had a moral failure. (Note – I mean John Crist level moral failure, not Harvey Weinstein.) Good grief – if you broadcasted everything I did – or dug up stuff I did when I was 19 – you would cancel me, too! The only saving grace for me is that I’m not important or famous enough for anyone to care. And what’s the long-term outcome for him – be forever banned from the career he’s been building for 10-15 years? Should we do this for all people who don’t hold up to our moral standards- like should I refuse to do business with a plumber if I know he cheated on his wife? Where does it all end? Should people who are canceled be put on government assistance for life? Imprisoned?? Euthanized??? I’m being dramatic, but seriously – I’m against shutting people out and sabotaging their future forever because they said and did some inappropriate things (NOTE AGAIN: of this scale).
On a very selfish note, I miss his comedy. I think we need it right now. Trey Kennedy is a weak echo of John Crist and it’s not enough!

In toto…

My personal interactions with John Crist made me think he was the bee’s knees. What he admitted to doing is bad, and in no way am I trying to minimize the badness of it. But the punishment is disproportionate to the crime. Come back please!

Overcoming invitaphobia

Do you enjoy social events, but rely on the invitations of others?

Do you find yourself longing for weekend pals, but tremble at the idea of inviting people to join your activities?

Has your popularity plunged once you became an adult because a large educational institution was no longer forcing you to interact with your peers?

If you answered yes to at least two of these questions, you may suffer from invitaphobia.

If you do suffer from invitaphobia, do not panic. I am here to help you walk through the process of extending a warm invitation to all those friends you’re not sure are your real friends because you never hang out with them.

Decide you want to do something
- This doesn’t need to be elaborate – no need to get wild and decide you want a party. That is quite advanced and unsafe for anyone suffering from invitaphobia. Start small. Let’s just say your hungry, so you decide to eat.
Pick up your phone
- If this seems taxing, Denise Austin will walk you through an invigorating arm work out to make sure your arm movement is loose and graceful as you reach for your phone and bring it to your face.
Scroll through your contacts until you see a name that does not make you want to vomit.
- If there is literally no one in your contacts that meets this criteria, take a nap, watch a Parks and Rec episode, eat 2.75 spoons of peanut butter straight up, and then try again.
Select the “message” option under their contact information. Please see the picture below for details.
Construct your invite message
- You can use this simple formula : Hey ___(contact’s name, or preferred nickname)___ ! I’m planning to ___(desired activity determined on step 1)___ at ___(specific location)___, around ___(provide general time range)___. Want to join?
Press “Send”

If this seems overwhelming, I have broken it down into baby steps. Today, all you have to do is read this post and share it with everyone you know. Tomorrow, read it aloud to your houseplants. The day after that, just try step one. Then each day after that, try adding one step at a time, until you make it all the way to step 6. If a given person doesn’t respond in a timely manner or can’t come, repeat steps 1-6 with another non-vomity person.

Please send me your success stories so I can post them and form a safe circle of encouragement!

Excuse generator tool for all your flake needs

We’ve all been there: one day you’re feeling foolishly extroverted and accept a social invitation for an event that will occur a few days later. Then the day comes, and you would literally rather give Bernie Sanders a sponge bath than actually come to this god-awful social event.

You then spend the next 87 minutes trying to construct a believably yet justifiably-sincere excuse to send to the insensitive invitee to get yourself off the hook.

Why waste your time and mental energy when Galloblog has already done all the work for you? Below is a super flexible, broadly-generalizable tool for generating excuses to any and all social events that you want to get out of. Please use liberally and send me your success stories!

5 new must-see Christian rom coms

All of us have our guilty pleasure romantic comedy favorites, but I think we can all agree that most plot lines to rom coms are unrealistic, and even worse, secular. Recently there has been a push among evangelical Christians for more realistic films about romance in the modern Church. Here at the top 5 must-see Christian rom coms that will gratify the realist in us all.

10,000,000 Things I Prayed About You This is your classic boy meets girl, boy prays about whether or not to pursue girl for 3 years, in the meantime girl meets, dates, gets engaged, and marries someone else.

Several Okay Days Tough-as-nails single mom appropriately guards her heart against the advances of charming millionaire playboy. Dies alone

ipad-1721428_1920 — The heroine of this film played candy crush to distract herself from her romantic longings.

You Don’t Got Mail Young lady still living at home with parents signs up for online dating and begins a warm email exchange with a witty gentleman. Parents discover the emails and block witty gentleman so their daughter can focus on dating Jesus and nannying her siblings’ kids.

shutterstock_68338150 — 0 messages, 0 heart clutter

Focused in Philly Independent woman witnesses a murder, is assigned a darkly dangerous and handsome bodyguard to protect her until the court trial. Sparks fly. Man maintains professional conduct and they part ways amicably after the trial.

purchase-3347053_1920 — Always nice to end a relationship before it begins with a firm handshake!

Not Knocked Up Troubled bad boy moves in next door to awkward teenage girl. They develop and unexpected friendship until girl’s dad sees his tattoos and forbids future contact. She obeys and begins dating her effeminate childhood friend.

entrepreneur-593358_1920 — Tattoo free and sensitive ❤

Coming soon to a weird, indie theater far from you!

Stuffz Gallo Likes: How John Crist encouraged me to blog with wild abandon

Here’s the dealio-yo: I have several persons and things that I’m lowkey obsessed with. I will therefore use this blog as a platform to explain to you, dearest of readers, why I love them so much. Why? Well, Misery may love company, but Fangirling marries and has babies with it, amiright?

Without further ado, this Stuffz Gallo Likes pilot episode is going to feature *drum roll * JOHN CRIST!

Let’s start with the obvs: John Crist is a comedic genius. His Instagram stories have made me giggle through some of my darkest hours (my favorite of his highlighted ig stories – Yoga and Buc-ee’s). His videos Christian Mingle Inspector and the Church Hunters episodes are satire at its BEST, and I watched this Bible Verse Lady video at least 14 times and lol’d every time. His stand-up makes me want to stand up and dance and cheer, know what I mean green bean?

But John Crist is worth more than a lolz. If his comedy is gold, his thoughtful contemplations are platinum. ⚡️ He genuinely inspired me in an interview with Sam Collier, radio host of A Greater Story. John said “[People are] like ‘Hey, I want to be a comic. I like what you do up there. What do you think about this bit?’ And I say … ‘If you believe in it, just go do it.’ … I respect anyone who just shows up.”

Amy Poehler said something similar in the beginning of her book Yes, Please!:“Remember, the talking about the thing isn’t the thing. The doing of the thing is the thing.“

I need to hear this, maybe every day. I have so many ideas – for blog posts, books, science experiments, entrepreneurial pursuits – some of which for sure border on brilliance… but if all I do is jabber about them or wait for someone else to validate them, it doesn’t matter. What should matter is if I think the ideas are good and/or funny and/or true. If they are, I should stop talking about it and make it happen. If they’re not, I should shut up and move on.

As my wise Majer once exclaimed, “Poo or get off the pot!”

But wait, there’s more! Later in the interview, John says “People ask me all the time, ‘Would you ever delete a tweet… would you ever delete a video .. would you ever delete something that wasn’t successful?’ I would say no, because that is giving people the power that you made it for them.”

Yowza. Some of my favorite posts get almost no views, and I have been tempted to go back and delete some of these shamefully unpopular posts. But I love John’s advice here. If I’m blogging for you – dear as you are – it probably won’t be as “true,” and definitely not as fun. I’ll either be constantly frustrated by my failure to engage people, or turn into a puppet, á la Billy Joel’s The Entertainer. So unfortunately for all of you, I’m going to keep posting stuff that, well, I like. All the better if some of you like it, too. But if not… ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

wot-in-tarnation-14000956 — If this is how 99% of my readers respond to my blog posts, so be it. SO BE IT!!!!!!

In toto, THANK YOU JOHN, I LOVE YOU!* ❤ ❤ ❤

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*As a sister in Christ, obvs…. #superchrish I’m not actually in love with him, for realz. Although a recent ex-boyfriend once asked me “If you love him so much, why don’t you marry him?” To which I sez, “Jokes on you – I already did.” At which he looked slightly amused, but also bemused. In restrospect, that was probably the beginning of the end. *gazes at John Crist poster plastered to ceiling* Dammit John, I hope you’re worth it.

Why I called off my engagement to John Crist

Dearest readers, it has been a tumultuous few weeks. My courtship with John Crist began slowly, like a lovely, delicate rose unfolding in the enchanted glow of the rising sun. He made me think, he made me laugh. He sent notifications to my YouTube account specifically whenever he uploaded a new video. So intentional! ❤ Even from those hauntingly brief video clips, I was getting delicious tastes of his soul. Then I discovered that our childhoods were so similar that we’re essentially one person in two bodies. We both grew up 1) homeschooled 2) christian 3) in the same metro-area in the southern US 4) with political parents. You may not believe this, but we also have 5) a similar shade of brown hair. Coincidence…? Um, sure —- If God’s divine hand is coincidence!

The tender bud of love really evolved into a mature bloom when he traveled all the way across the country to visit my city. When I went to his comedy show, I could tell he was bewitched by my modest beauty because he gazed longingly in my direction whenever he said the punchline to a joke. I sat there with my hands clasped nervously to my bosom, feeling my heart beating wildly. I also took Desiring God’s online quiz to evaluate relationship compatibility, and we were matched as Ruth and Boaz Compatibility. Huzzah! I proposed to him publicly, and publicly accepted my proposal on his behalf. Yowza! Now the petals of love were blowing wildly in the winds of whirly-twirly romance!

But then.. those same petals – once so plump and full of life and energy – fell to the ground and were smushed by the heel of sorrowful reality.

rose-1226966 — Smushed. 😥 (pixabay free image)

What happened? Well for one, he did nothing to guard my heart. He never once clarified our relationship, or let it progress at a healthy speed (many Christian relationship experts recommend one chaperoned date per month for the first two years). Instead, he sent me video after video after video, letting me fall more and more and more in love with him. I was a helpless victim to his romantic advances.

And then, he betrayed me. I discovered this during a lunch date with my friend Amber. We were both happily chatting about our men, and then we discovered “our men” was one man — John Crist. Apparently, this Casanova had been sending her personal YouTube notifications, too – during the exact same time period.

The final smush to our love-rose came when I discovered that he stole from me. Imagine the pain that lacerated my heart when I saw that he took the humor thesis of one of Galloblog’s about nothing posts and made a meme from it… giving me no credit whatsoever. What made this betrayal especially ironic was that the entire joke centered around sharing memes being an expression of love! I can only use reverse logic then, to conclude that stealing a meme is an expression of .. not even hate.. but indifference! Indifference to our engagement! Our love! Our future little Gallocrists!

IMG_20171126_210910 — It hurts me to even look at it. Heartless bastard! *throws a random dinner plate*

Needless to say, the engagement is off. I plan to roam around the streets of Atlanta aimlessly for the remainder of my brief time here on earth. I will carry with me a smushed rose always, as a symbol of the Smushed Love Rose of John Crist. Once one has loved so deeply.. so wholly, once cannot simply pick up the cracked pottery of one’s life and create a functional life vase.

Forever yours in sorrow,

Gallosad 😥

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

03/12/2018 9:16 AM EST: It has come to my attention that “is John Crist engaged” is my #1 search term, so I’m guessing if you’re reading this, you are a hopeful fan girl in a deep interwebz investigation to determine if you have a shot with Christianity’s golden boy of comedy. So please note that I wrote this post as an inside joke between me and my friends, and it was never meant to inform the general public about his relationship status. Is John Crist engaged?! For sure no 😉

… btdubs, while you’re here you should read some of my other stuff — like, comment, follow, share, etc… it’s the Christian thing to do 😉 😉 😉

Stuffz Gallo Likes Episode 1: How John Crist encouraged me to blog with wild abandon

John Crist info page

John Crist v. Trey Kennedy: A fangirl’s guide