We’ve all been there: one day you’re feeling foolishly extroverted and accept a social invitation for an event that will occur a few days later. Then the day comes, and you would literally rather give Bernie Sanders a sponge bath than actually come to this god-awful social event.
You then spend the next 87 minutes trying to construct a believably yet justifiably-sincere excuse to send to the insensitive invitee to get yourself off the hook.
Why waste your time and mental energy when Galloblog has already done all the work for you? Below is a super flexible, broadly-generalizable tool for generating excuses to any and all social events that you want to get out of. Please use liberally and send me your success stories!
I thought about going on a basic rant against flakey folks, but let’s go Mr. Rogers on this joint. I would like to write a tribute to one of my friends who I will refer to as Honest Abe. Not bc his name starts with an ‘A’, but bc he’s honest. And it’s essential that I use cutesy names.
Is Honest Abe perfect? Heck no, Milo. He can err on the side of noncommitalism, and he can ping the ol’ Gallofeels when he rejects my super coveted, elite social invitations. But you know what? When this brochacho says he’s going to be somewhere, he’s there. And almost always on time. I actually trust in his word.
If you don’t see why this is praiseworthy, or even fantastically shocking, you obvs haven’t spent any time with male-lennials. They may be emotionally in-tune or heart-rendingly sensitive, but they are [mostly] complete man-children when it comes to the most SIMPLE of promises. When I can’t even trust a bro to be in a given location at a given time, why would I trust him with .. anything? Not my taxes, not my dog… def not my precious jewel of a heart.*
Oops, here I go being a negative Nance again..The point is—- Abe, thank you for not being a flake. Thank you for being so brutally honest that you can turn people down to their face. Thank you for being trustworthy. Thank you for shining like a bright diamond in a world of dull-dirt-rocks of Dishonest Daves.**
I salute you, Honest Abe.
— EDITORIAL NOTES —
*Mama sez my heart has jewelific qualities.
**No offense to Daves and Davids. It rhymed with Abe and was an alliteration. I couldn’t resist.