A question that has kept me up night after night, tossing and turning anxiously, is “Am I basic??” So I took to the interwebs to do some high quality, unbiased research. I scoured the accounts of all my social media contacts who are indubitably basic, focusing specifically on profile pictures. I then coalesced my findings into 4 archetypical selfies that are strong predictors for basicity. KNOW THE SIGNS!
1. The Sassy Bathroom Babe
This is a timeless classic. I cannot emphasize enough how absolutely essential the duck face and peace sign are to truly make this work, although the toilet in the periphery is the most crucial element. Granted, most basic white girls are too advanced to have posted this recently. But, if you have one of these from the ~2006-2012 era, I’m sorry to say this is a proven risk-factor for being basic.
2. The Artsy Fartsy.
Basic white girls are compelled to show that they’re not just sassy, but they have a sensitive, artistic side. What to look out for here are selfies in which there is a beguiling mix of sadness and hope shining out of your eyes. No one has to know these emotions were evoked by watching Gossip Girl reruns.
3. The Bashful.
This is a tricky one, designed to distract everyone from the complete vanity of you taking a picture specifically to show the world how cute you are. If you have selfies in which you are looking away modestly, as if you weren’t expecting your arm to independently snap a picture of your face, you may be guilty of the bashful. Another sure sign is if you have pictures of you smiling wistfully at the wall.
4. The Au Natural.
Anyone can follow a youtube and contour their face to look like a slightly tackier version of Kim Kardashian, but basic white girls need their followers to know they are flawless without even a spot of make-up. ***IMPORTANT*** What to watch for here is “au natural” pics in which you have texturized, filtered, or otherwise artistically distorted your pic so that no one can really tell what’s going on with your face anyway. The experienced eye may be able to make out a roughly female profile.
Did I miss any key archetypes of basic white girl selfies? If so, please submit your examples!!!
I don’t know why so many people pretend like having a dynamo dating life is living the dream. Oh yes, it is an utter delight to either get your heart broken, break someone else’s heart, or both.
“Poppycock!” – Dr. Galloswag
But dating sucks because we moderns have made it suck. Our past few generations have an undue obsession with relationships and romance. I mean, smart, good lookin’, healthy, goodhearted, financially stable people feel legitimately bad – like, they don’t even enjoy their life – simply because they’re single. And one of the main reasons they are single is *not* because there is no one available. It’s because, with each of the 1,482 different people they met through HarmoniousBagelMatch in the past month, “we didn’t have a romantic connection,” or “our Myers-Briggs types were incompatible,” or “she had man hands.”
In the olden days, they didn’t have time to worry about this nonsense. They were fleeing angry ostriches or trying to resist eating their own toes during the winter. I doubt pre-modern women often looked over at pre-modern Jo-Jo and thought, “I don’t know, he just doesn’t make me laugh.”
Right now we’ve become way too picky because we have too many options. We now rule people out for having unseemly arm hair because— we can. There’s this itch in the back of our heads – “I can do better.”
When you have this many options, you’re bound to 1) take forever to choose 2) be certain you *could* have made a better choice, no matter what you choose (pixabay image)
But what does that mean, exactly – to “do better?” Have we really reduced personal relationships to a game of ego, where we’re all trying to outsmart the system and snag someone who is just a tad out of our league?
This is why we need to return to arranged marriages. It doesn’t have to be quite as parentally-subservient as it was in the past. Each person should construct a 4-6 person “Matrimonial Selection Committee,” between the ages of 18 and 25. Within one year of selecting the MSC, they need to present to the committee their non-negotiables (e.g. “loves Tim Keller) and perhaps a few special preferences (e.g. “uses emojis liberally”). The MSC will then take this information and undergo a 6-12 month search for a suitable mate. At the end of said search, they will present the person with their choice. The person can say yes, or be single for the rest of their life. Simple.
Look, this may seem overly cut-and-dry, but it’s really not. As Lewis Smedes and Tim Keller argue – the promising and commitment is what gives us the security and freedom to truly invest in each other and love without fear of abandonment (in TK’s The Meaning of Marriage). So I’m pretty sure that if we just made a commitment to almost anyone with the same general values (or faith, if you have one), we would flourish like a well-watered begonia.
When I’m mad, I sputter angrily. When I’m sad, I cry piteously. When I’m guilty, my tummy feels nauseatingly twisty. When I lolz, it’s a wild cackle, sometimes accompanied with hearty snorts. When I’m infatuated, I feel like throwing tulip petals over Atlanta as I fly around on a magic carpet with my infatuater.
Not to get too off-topic, but my Scrabble game is ON POINT (image from pixabay)
As you can imagine, stoicism is not my strong suit.
A few years ago, I got tired of being feelsy. And guess what? I was successful! During these years, I truly had less drama. I didn’t get mad or cry very much. Life was so serene. But, I never want to go back to that place.
Why? Because I also didn’t lolz very much. Most disappointingly, there was not even *one* magic carpet ride. 😥
Why? Well, the secret to stop feeling is to stop loving and caring about people. You cannot love without hurting.* Except myself, of course. I somehow manage to never stop caring about myself. And that’s just an icky way to live.
If you pride yourself on being “drama free,” or brag that you don’t really grieve over your exes or lost friendships – shame on you. What are you gaining, except numbness to the people around you? No thank you, Louie Baloo.
Give me the angry sputters, give me piteous cries, give me the tummy twists. Because they are a symptom of caring and loving. And because magic carpet rides are SO worth it. *snorts*
^Legit (image from pixabay)
— EDITORIAL NOTES —
*At least for a feeler like me. If you are a stoïque d’amour, WRITE YOUR OWN BLOG.
The libra part of me insists that I offer a balanced view of this. Obvs, some people are able to take very loving action without feeling particularly worked up. And it’s probably not healthy to always be at the extreme ends of positive and negative emotions.
I don’t like to be dramatic, but I am surrounded by terrorists. Yes, people who strike fear and hatred into even my tenderest of hearts. People who make the world a worse place for everyone.
The most insidious part of it all is that most of these terrorists go unrecognized, and their reign of terror marches on unabashedly. The burden falls on me to call out these commonplace, run-of-the-mill DESTROYERS OF JOY for what they are: every-day terrorists.
Ready? You should take notes.
1) Gym screamers
This dude is undoubtedly going to let out an obnoxious squeal. The orange shoes guarantee it. (pixabay image)
We’ve all been there – you’re keeping to yourself, being a model gym citizen, and then you hear it – half tortured yet half rapturous, someone is squealing and hollering with each rep. Are they feeling extreme pain? Are they feeling inappropriate pleasure? No one knows exactly, but we all know that we feel wildly uncomfortable.
2) Chronic flakes
I honestly rather hang with this bowl of corn flakes. (pixabay image)
Not to be confused with corn flakes, these are those people who take a perverse delight in contacting you regularly to hang out, and then canceling last minute. Cancel once – nbd. Cancel twice – jokes on me. Cancel thrice – leave me be.
3) Eaters of boiled eggs in the work place
Ew. (pixabay image)
^emergency response (pixabay image)
Thought sulfur warfare was the stuff of Old Testament curses? Not if your co-worker Brad has rolled out his lean-protein-diet on the cheap.
4) Humorless hacks
How most of you are looking rn. Careful that your face doesn’t FREEZE LIKE THAT! *chortles* (pixabay image)
Aka, people who don’t laugh at my jokes. Basically useless human beings.
*incensed, Gallohag sets her 1,394 beauty products on fire*
6) Plate food intermixers
WARNING: GRAPHIC IMAGE (pixabay image)
Friend: “Ima just let this bean juice run all up in this here coleslaw..”
Me: *vomits*
These are the top 6. Is it coincidental that if you have three 6s together, you have the el numero de diablo?
If you have additional terrorist types to report, please notify me immediately. Our happiness, nay – our future.. NAY – our children’s happiness in the future with how happy our future was with their happy future !!!! depends on it.
A soul tie established by meme tags is not easily broken.
Author Gary Chapman recently tweeted that he just finished writing a substantial update to his 1995 book, “The Five Love Languages: How to express heartfelt commitment to your mate.” Initially, Chapman identified gift-giving, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and physical touch as the five major ways that humans give and receive love.
Over 20 years later, he’s realized that his book is woefully out of date and needs to reflect the central role technology now plays in modern relationships. One new love language has become foundational in modern relationships and must be incorporated into the Love Language paradigm if today’s youths are going to understand love at all: meme tagging.
This couple tagged each other in so many memes that now they can just reminisce about the meme tags for a good belly laugh (pixabay image)
“A recent study from Stanford University indicated that tagging your romantic partner in a humorous meme at least once per day can predict with 94% accuracy whether or not you will be together four years later,” Chapman explained to me during a phone interview. “What’s more, over 9 in 10 men and 7 and 10 women indicated that frequent meme tags by their romantic partner was either “very important” or “extremely important” to their relationship satisfaction.”
Intrigued, my team of investigative journalists and I flew to Stanford to better understand this phenomenon by conducting qualitative interviews with students on the Stanford campus. The information we received from one couple was especially enlightening. Clarice, a 22 year old film major at Stanford, explained “When I’m tagged in a meme, I know someone loves me enough to bring a smile to my face.” Kevin, her 25 year old unemployed boyfriend, corroborated the importance of meme tagging with a personal anecdote. “In my last relationship, my girlfriend was very promiscuous with her meme tags. She tried to tell me it was just for fun, but I knew she was lying. The soul-ties established by meme tags are powerful and long-lasting.” Kevin added that he aims to tag Clarice in at least three memes a day as an expression of his devotion. “A chord of three strands is not easily broken,” he told me gravely.
Clarice and Kevin couldn’t even stop sharing their love while we interviewed them. Get a room, guys. (pixabay image)
Chapman plans to re-release his updated book this summer. Pick up a copy at your local bookstore, and open up your heart to an entirely new way to give and receive love.
As many of you know, I’m very passionate about health and have a borderline obsession with strength training. Recently I’ve been contemplating my next career move, and I have finally settled on the perfect idea. I plan to open an Evangegym!
Core values of my gym –
Total Definition
My goal: for your WHOLE body to be ripped!
Unconditional Entrance
open 24/7 to members
Limited Breaks
No texting on weight machines!
Irresistible Glutes
Glutes for Life! #G4L
Perseverance of the Trained
Training with a certified personal trainer secures eternal fitness!
Run with the Sun and the Son! Ohhhh snapppp!!! (image from pixabay)
Classes offered
Pontius Pilates
Spirit Stretches
Run with the Son
Pressin’ for Blessin’s
a.m. Yoga with Yahweh
Rows with the Bros [in Christ]
Yoga is very Christian – those are Spirit fingers pointing to heaven! (image from pixabay)No one said it would be easy, dear ones. (image from pixabay)
Don’t ignore what’s stirring in your heart! Join my gym today by sending me a one-time, lifetime membership fee (once a member, always a member!) of $10,000 (SENIOR DISCOUNT ONLY $5,000!!).
If this pic doesn’t pump you up, I don’t know what will! (image from pixabay)
All the intellectual elites know that the interwebs are for destroying everyone who disagrees with you. This comes naturally to people like me who possess superior intelligence and unmatched wit. However, if you’re an averagé civilian, use the following techniques to ensure you are victorious each and every time you debate online.
You may believe that the interwebs are for connecting with old friends, keeping up with your out-of-town family members, or something else equally ridiculous. If so, you are a naïve fool. All the intellectual elites know that the interwebs are for destroying everyone who disagrees with you. This comes naturally to people like me who possess superior intelligence and unmatched wit. However, if you’re an averagé civilian, use the following techniques to ensure you are victorious each and every time you debate online.
1) Use your grammar gun and spelling sword
The first rule of online arguments is that the first person to make a typo loses. The content is irrelevant – if they used “there” instead of “their,” it’s over. Just say, “You mean ‘their’? Lolz, you’re an uneducated buffoon.” BOOM, you win!
2) Abruptly become too mature and busy for the argument
It’s very important you don’t let your opponent get the upper hand. If they start sounding pretty smart and convincing, spontaneously evolve into a mature, working person who does not have time for this nonsense. Make a witty remark about how they must not have a job and exit the conversation with a beautifully crafted spirit of condescension.
3) Name-call them into submission
If short on time, you can always just leave this poop emoji instead of spelling out “poophead”
A timeless online debate technique is to reach deep to your middle school roots and start calling your opponent names. “Libtard” is a great go-to if you’re a conservative arguing with a liberal, and “Ignorant fascist” is an all-purpose name for most conservatives. If it isn’t political, you can never go wrong with “poophead.”
4) Use links and memes instead of your own words
Don’t get suckered into spending a lot of time formulating intelligent arguments. I highly recommend posting links to multiple, lengthy articles in response to your opponents comments. This is brilliant because it makes you look like you are backed by legit data. Plus, there’s a 99% chance no one will actually read the links. Seriously, I once cowed an opponent into silence by rapidly posting 5 links to recipes for different variations of whoopie pies. Memes are also particularly useful. I mean, who can argue against the condescending Willy Wonka?
5) Flood them with a tsunami of words
Imagine each water molecule is a word! (pixabay free images)
If all else fails, just make all your comments exceed 1,200 words. The key is to basically drown your opponent with a flood of words that even the most patient of interweb users could never bear to read through and make sense of what you’re saying. This way, no matter how they reply, you can just say “Did you even read my response?” to which they will have to honestly say “no.” And there you go – victory!
There you go! Go get ‘em, little tiger!
DON’T YOU DARE READ THIS WITHOUT LIKING, COMMENTING, OR SHARING, YOU POOPHEAD!!
A recent survey* of single females between the ages of 21-40 uncovered an interesting trend: one of the top reasons that women want to get married, second only to “I need someone to open this jar of pickles,” is to amp up their social media game. “I feel like it’s more acceptable to constantly post pictures of yourself when someone else is in them, and it’s under the guise of praising your spouse,” a survey participant explained. But I think we’d all agree that it’s a little crass to get married for real for the sole purpose of jazzing your social media presence. But I’ve never been one to think inside the box, and I’m deeply sensitive to the needs of the single sisterhood. Therefore, I have crafted a handy template for single women everywhere to advertise for Social Media Husbands. Please feel free to use and adapt as necessary – this is my free gift to you!
free image from pixabay.com. Please don’t ask why this wanted sign looks like Captain America’s shield. *sigh* #poorbloggerstruggles
WANTED: Male between the ages of 25-35 to serve as Facebook husband. Minimum 5 year commitment, or until procurement of real husband .
Duties and tasks
Must be willing to change profile status to ‘married’
Minimum picture requirements
Couple shots for
Valentine’s Day
Easter
Independence Day
Halloween
Thanksgiving
Christmas
Wedding Anniversary
First-date Anniversary
First-time-we-met Anniversary
Every time we eat a meal together
1 “just cause” photo shoot with matching white polos and khakis 1x/year
Inappropriately intimate pic of female sleeping 2x/year
Silly Snapchat face swap 2x/month
Candid shot of female with accompanying flattery and praise 2x/week
Must understand importance of filters that make female look better
Minimum posting requirements
Effusive post praising the sacrificial, ultra-spiritual heart of female 3x/week
React positively to every post of female
Like every one of female’s comments on other users’ posts
Support female in social media battles
Physical requirements
Skin tone needs to complement female’s
Height needs to exceed height of female when wearing 4″ heels
Weight needs to be 30-60 lbs over female’s weight
Eyes need to shine with goodness and humility
Attractiveness needs to be above average, but not so attractive that female seems less attractive by comparison
Please submit applications via direct message. Only applications that include 1) head shot 2) cover letter 3) instagram portfolio will be considered.
I talk a lot about how to Forget It and Drive On (aka FIDO), but I was recently convicted about how narrow minded I have been. Some of you don’t feel like FIDOing, but want to Remember and Stay Here (RASH). In honor of symmetry and inclusivity, I’m offering 10 steps that are guaranteed to kick any efforts at FIDOing right where it hurts. This is especially helpful for RASHing when it comes to romantical angst. Lean in and listen up!
Poster RASH child. He’s even sitting down. (pixabay free image)
1) Talk about your heart break obsessively
Talk about it with your mom, sister, friends, hairstylist, Trader Joe’s cashier.. Don’t be duped by sneaky changes of subject – whenever anyone tries to distract you and talk about something uplifting, skillfully work around that positivity and drive your depressing convo down the court (SPORTS REFERENCE!! WHAT?!).
2) Create shrines in physical space
This is how you should think about your local Wendy’s (pixabay free image)
Did you used to get frosty’s with your ex-bf at your neighborhood Wendy’s? Make sure you declare this space Sacred and try to create as few new memories there as possible. That way, if/when you do find yourself at that Wendy’s, you can be flooded with memories of that person. When the moment is right, make sure you confide quietly to your friend group, “I’m sorry.. it’s just that.. we always used to come here for Frosty Friday.” Then let a gentle river of tears run down your cheeks. Quiver your lips for extra effect.
3) Picture obsess
Let’s pretend this dude is staring at a picture (pixabay free image)
Don’t let personal time go to waste doing anything productive or refreshing. Jump on the interwebs, and go through every picture you and your past love ever took together – especially ones that mark momentous occasions (e.g. the first night you kissed). Zoom in on the person’s face. Think about how great you looked together. Print out the pic that brings back the most painful, bittersweet memories, and post on your ceiling so it’s the first thing you see every morning.
4) Define yourself by your pain
It’s important to make sure that this event defines you. You are no longer a 27 year old female with a PhD, you are a heart-broken 27 year old female with a PhD.
5) Never stop asking “But.. Why???!”
This is the way to understand why she broke up with you. (this is a meme.. surely no copy-right issues here…?? PLEASE DON’T SUE ME)
Make every attempt to understand every action and intent that led to the situation. Whatever you do, never think to yourself “I may never know – that person’s behavior and those events could have arisen for several different reasons, and that’s okay.” No ma’am! It is *not* okay! I suggest making a string-conspiracy board to figure it out.
6) Revel in the drama
^sepia is an excellent way to intensify your feels. (pixabay free image)
Whether you’re feeling sad, mad, guilty, jealous, etc., make sure you just dive headfirst in that ocean of dramatic feels. Make it clear to everyone that you are A LITTLE EMOTIONAL RIGHT NOW. One of my fave ways to do this is to post cryptic, depressing status updates on social media.
7) Split your life epochs around the event / person
Thinking about your life in years, education (e.g. high school, college, grad school), or jobs will not do. The period of your life before you dated Jo-Jo is now “Pre- Jo-Jo” and the time after “Post- Jo-Jo”. Everything hinges on this event. It has split your heart, therefore it must split your life.
8) Refuse to cut your losses or accept that you may have been snookered (aka taken advantage of)
If you think someone wronged you, obsess over how you could have avoided the situation in the first place, how you can seek revenge, or how you can avoid EVER being taken advantage of again. Bonus: guaranteed to ruin all future relationships, romantic or otherwise!
9) Make playlist of feelsy music
Think along the lines of James Blunt’s “Goodbye my Lover.” Whatever music gives you the feels and reminds you of the person, play it loud, play it proud, play it on a loop.
10) Binge watch movies and TV shows that give you the feels
Similarly, stick in that rom com or rom dram that reminds you the most of your relationship when it was happy, and let your ticker marinate in the misery. Think about how your reality was so close to whichever fictional story. Decide that you deserve for that fictional story to be your life.
Good luck, RASHers! Let me know how this goes for you!
Have any more useful RASH tips? Please send them into me!
Do you find yourself wondering often about what your wife is actually thinking? Would you like to know if Jo-Jo’s flirtations mean he likes you? Is your boyfriend’s odd change in behavior a sign that he’s cheating on you? Don’t spend another minute worrying your pretty little noggin’!! I have come up with a revolutionary way to discover EVERYTHING you’ve ever wondered about your significant other (or bae* as the youths say)!!!
This man suspects his girlfriend is cheating to him high and to the right.
This woman thinks her husband may have hidden his mistress, also high and to the right.
How to know if he/she is cheating on you
Step 1: Ask, “Are you cheating on me?”
How to know if he/she is THINKING about cheating on you
Step 1: Ask, “Are you thinking about cheating on me?”
How to know if he/she is actually into you
Step 1: Ask, “Are you into me?”
How to know what he/she really thinks about your friends
Step 1: Ask, “What do you really think about my friends?”
How to know if he/she loves you
Step 1: Ask, “Do you love me?”
How to know if he/she is into your best friend
Step 1: Ask, “Are you into my best friend?”
How to know if he/she is gay/lesbian
Step 1: Ask, “Do you do rows for bros or curls for the girls?”
How to know if he/she is happy
Step 1: Ask, “Are you happy?”
How to know if he/she is psycho
Step 1: Ask, “Have you ever been diagnosed with a psychotic disorder?”
How to know if he/she is serious about you
Step 1: Ask, “Are you serious about me?”
How to know if he/she wants to marry you
Step 1: Ask, “Would you ever want to marry me?”
This plan is stunning in its simplicity, and breathtaking in its effectiveness!** No more watching for those 4, 8, 23, or 7,322 “signs that your significant other is _________” No background experience in lie detection, manipulation, or advanced degree in subtle body language required. Open to all mature adults with the ability to speak, write, or thematically dance.
Don’t delay – Ask now!
— EDITORIAL NOTES —
*As of 2016. If I know about it, it’s probably not tubular anymore.
**I know some of you may be thinking “Galloswag, you fool – some people lie!” And Galloswag sez, “If you don’t trust someone enough to answer these questions honestly, I highly recommend running away as fast as you can.” Not to mention — some of these questions are like, geez, if you’re even ASKING.. run as fast as you can. PLUS, if you ask and they lie, it’s all on them. But until then, if you persist in counting the number of times they blink when they answer, hacking into their snapchat account, or putting up a spy cam in their office – you are probably the problem, not them.
It’s very important you don’t let your opponent get the upper hand. If they start sounding pretty smart and convincing, spontaneously evolve into a mature, working person who does not have time for this nonsense. Make a witty remark about how they must not have a job and exit the conversation with a beautifully crafted spirit of condescension.
galloblog 