single – galloblog

Reflections on one of (the?) best date(s) ever

I wrote this post a while ago and chickened out before I posted it. Now that I have some distance from it, I realized it is still pure gold. Also, I needed to re-read it *laughs nervously*

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I went on a date last night. I realize it’s a terrible idea to tell the entire interwebs about it, but I have so many thoughts and feels about it, I truly don’t care.

To begin – the date activities were downright classy. In the current “ambiguous hangout” culture, it’s refreshing to be treated like an adult woman with value. Actually, the whole experience made me realize how long it’s been since I’ve felt truly valued and – excuse me for getting vuln here – almost made me want to cry. He picked me up. He used the D word beforehand – but also made it clear he wasn’t necessarily expecting this to be the start of a long relationship – so I wasn’t confused about what he was thinking. He told me how fancy-pants he was going to be, so I didn’t have to worry about embarrassing myself by dressing too down or too up. It may seem small, but it’s really considerate to eliminate so much random stress and angst with clear communication.

Then the date itself – I don’t think I’m off base to say he was excited to be out with me and thought I looked attractive. I felt attractive. He was flirty and affectionate without assuming a false romanticism (one of my pet peeves). He asked me about myself and seemed genuinely interested in my answers. He wasn’t intimidated by my PhD and research, but he didn’t fetishize it, either (if anyone ever says “talk nerdy to me,” that’s my cue to split and Uber myself back to the hizzle). He was obviously very smart and had a good career going, but he wasn’t arrogant about it.

Beyond that – we just had a connection. I know that’s cliché, but it’s true. He’s one of the very few people I could imagine having a deep convo with but still be able to laugh uproariously about something ridiculous. So many men I meet 1) immediately launch into convincing me we’re perfect for each other and should formalize our relationship as soon as possible, 2) seem like they’re trying to figure out how well I fit into their life, worldview, social scene, etc. but aren’t interested in my life, worldview, social scene, or 3) they treat me like their bro who they’re kinda sorta attracted to. But he didn’t try to point out everything we had in common, or ask probing questions to determine if I would put up with his video game all nighters, and we didn’t meet up at Chipotle. He treated me like.. a(n attractive) person … who he was getting to know. Cray!

You may be thinking, “Congrats! What’s the prob?” Well, to my great chagrin, we have deeply incompatible worldviews. One part of me wants to push that to the side and take it day by day. But y’all, this is where I need to put my money where my mouth is, so to speak. I either have faith or I don’t. As much as my poor little heart is a little ache-y right now, my brain and my heart both remember how miserable it is to date someone who (directly or indirectly) discourages my faith. So I can’t. Or more accurately, I won’t. As the sassy Jane Eyre said –

“I will hold to the principles received by me when I was sane, and not mad—as I am now. Laws and principles are not for the times when there is no temptation: they are for such moments as this, when body and soul rise in mutiny against their rigour; stringent are they; inviolate they shall be. If at my individual convenience I might break them, what would be their worth? They have a worth—so I have always believed; and if I cannot believe it now, it is because I am insane—quite insane: with my veins running fire, and my heart beating faster than I can count its throbs. Preconceived opinions, foregone determinations, are all I have at this hour to stand by: there I plant my foot.”

woman-2842670 — I doubt Jane Eyre would approve of this shoe choice, but PLANT THOU FOOTSIES! (pixabay image, not an actual gallofoot)

This is probably frustrating to read. If this was a movie I’d be super pissed that this was the ending. “Why even tell us this?!” Because, with all my snarky criticisms and womansplaining related to dating and men, I wanted to spend at least one post not being glib or sarcastic or bossy, but just real.

I also want the world to know that the type of date I described above is **not** out of fashion.

Single Brochachos I strongly encourage you: if you don’t get excited about being out with a woman, or if you don’t find yourself wanting to create a date that makes her feel valued, then do yourself both a favor and release her to find someone who does.

Single Sischachas I strongly encourage you: if your man doesn’t consistently make you feel valued, honored, and special… move it along.

Final point- it’s okay to appreciate something for what it was, even if it didn’t have the perfect rom-com ending. I loved that date, and I’m so thankful for it.

I’m also thankful to all of you for enduring this embarrassing amount of over-sharing. Promise I’ll go back to being glib and sarcastic very soon. ❤

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PLEASE NOTE: I wrote a post a while back with some similar elements, and it really ruffled some feathers. Not trying to stir the pot, just sharing my thoughts/feels.. that’s what blogging is for, yo. If you are seriously offended plz message me about it. *smooch*

Why single people are selfish and crazy

I’m the youngest in my family, so almost all my sibs and cousins are full-blown adulting with kids and real jobs. When I visit with my fam, I’m kinda blown away by how much having a hubs or wifie, and especially kiddos, requires so many sacrifices all throughout the day.

I have suffered with insomnia for oh.. at least 6 years.. so you can imagine I am a Belligerent Claire Bear when someone wakes me up after I finally do get to sleep. Yet when I visited my sister, she would be up and at ‘em like every 3 or 4 hours at all sorts of unholy hours of the night so that my niece could be fed, cuddled, etc.

Although I wouldn’t consider myself incredibly introverted, but I am a fan of my me-time. I’ve also grown very accustomed to doing what I want, when I want. Yet when I visited my cousin and his wife, they have to be “on” basically all day every day. If you start eating a sandwich, everyone wants a sandwich. When you’re sitting there reading, someone is going to want you to play with them, or watch them jump off the couch, or whatever.

It kinda fills me with awe to see my sis and cuzzo be so selfless – I am strained when I have to delay my din time by 45 minutes so I can eat with a friend. #sacrifices

“But can’t you just be a dutiful daughter, friend, volunteer, or whatever?” you may ask. Yeah, sure. But at the end of the day, I still have almost full control over how my time is spent, when I eat, and what I do. People with a little nuclear fam don’t have that luxury. And I think because of that, they have a million bazillion more opportunities to be selfless than I do.

On top of that, people around you hold you accountable to a certain standard of normalcy. Right now if I want to eat a jar of pb for dinner, that’s my deal. If I want to put together a particularly tacky pj combo to sleep in, no one raises an eyebrow. If I decide to plan a super inefficient day, no one is there to say “Um, have you thought about doing it this way instead..?” So at the end of the day, even if I start out with the best intentions of being somewhat normal, over time I’m just going to start developing bizarre, idiosyncratic habits because I don’t get that daily feedback.

So anyway, I’d like the marrieds to give us singletons a little slack. Yes we are selfish, yes we are crazy. But frankly, I think the noble virtues of selflessness and normalcy are not automatically attained without the external pressures of your own fam. We’re like the mantle of the earth just waiting for those deep source volcanic eruptions of fam life to turn us into sparkling diamonds.*

Oh! Singletons should give each other a little slack, too. I think sometimes we compare single men to our friends’ hubbies and we’re like “ewww so immature,” and maybe men look at single women and are like, “ugh so crazy.” It’s possible that the all the sane women and mature men have already married, leaving the rest of us to find our way in the circus of characters who are left. But I don’t think so.. I would like to oh-so-timidly suggest that being married can (often does?) change you into a better person. I think the tricky part is to figure out who will emerge like a radiant diamond and who will turn into ashy dust crumbles when the pressure is on. #realtalk

But.. bright side!!! .. in the meantime, I get this entire jar of pb to myself..!! Nom nom nom.

peanut-butter-350099_960_720 — If this doesn’t give you a shiver of pleasure, I don’t know what will. (thx pixabay)

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*I was originally going to use a lump of coal analogy, but the interwebs told me that the coal-into-diamonds idea is a myth. Wow! I’m sure most of you found that out in grade school, but my mind is BLOWN

How to be emotinally disabled forever

I talk a lot about how to Forget It and Drive On (aka FIDO), but I was recently convicted about how narrow minded I have been. Some of you don’t feel like FIDOing, but want to Remember and Stay Here (RASH). In honor of symmetry and inclusivity, I’m offering 10 steps that are guaranteed to kick any efforts at FIDOing right where it hurts. This is especially helpful for RASHing when it comes to romantical angst. Lean in and listen up!

sad — Poster RASH child. He’s even sitting down. (pixabay free image)

1) Talk about your heart break obsessively

Talk about it with your mom, sister, friends, hairstylist, Trader Joe’s cashier.. Don’t be duped by sneaky changes of subject – whenever anyone tries to distract you and talk about something uplifting, skillfully work around that positivity and drive your depressing convo down the court (SPORTS REFERENCE!! WHAT?!).

2) Create shrines in physical space

Did you used to get frosty’s with your ex-bf at your neighborhood Wendy’s? Make sure you declare this space Sacred and try to create as few new memories there as possible. That way, if/when you do find yourself at that Wendy’s, you can be flooded with memories of that person. When the moment is right, make sure you confide quietly to your friend group, “I’m sorry.. it’s just that.. we always used to come here for Frosty Friday.” Then let a gentle river of tears run down your cheeks. Quiver your lips for extra effect.

3) Picture obsess

depressed2 — Let’s pretend this dude is staring at a picture (pixabay free image)

Don’t let personal time go to waste doing anything productive or refreshing. Jump on the interwebs, and go through every picture you and your past love ever took together – especially ones that mark momentous occasions (e.g. the first night you kissed). Zoom in on the person’s face. Think about how great you looked together. Print out the pic that brings back the most painful, bittersweet memories, and post on your ceiling so it’s the first thing you see every morning.

4) Define yourself by your pain

It’s important to make sure that this event defines you. You are no longer a 27 year old female with a PhD, you are a heart-broken 27 year old female with a PhD.

5) Never stop asking “But.. Why???!”

stringconspiracy — This is the way to understand why she broke up with you. (this is a meme.. surely no copy-right issues here…?? PLEASE DON’T SUE ME)

Make every attempt to understand every action and intent that led to the situation. Whatever you do, never think to yourself “I may never know – that person’s behavior and those events could have arisen for several different reasons, and that’s okay.” No ma’am! It is *not* okay! I suggest making a string-conspiracy board to figure it out.

6) Revel in the drama

depressed — ^sepia is an excellent way to intensify your feels. (pixabay free image)

Whether you’re feeling sad, mad, guilty, jealous, etc., make sure you just dive headfirst in that ocean of dramatic feels. Make it clear to everyone that you are A LITTLE EMOTIONAL RIGHT NOW. One of my fave ways to do this is to post cryptic, depressing status updates on social media.

7) Split your life epochs around the event / person

Thinking about your life in years, education (e.g. high school, college, grad school), or jobs will not do. The period of your life before you dated Jo-Jo is now “Pre- Jo-Jo” and the time after “Post- Jo-Jo”. Everything hinges on this event. It has split your heart, therefore it must split your life.

8) Refuse to cut your losses or accept that you may have been snookered (aka taken advantage of)

If you think someone wronged you, obsess over how you could have avoided the situation in the first place, how you can seek revenge, or how you can avoid EVER being taken advantage of again. Bonus: guaranteed to ruin all future relationships, romantic or otherwise!

9) Make playlist of feelsy music

Think along the lines of James Blunt’s “Goodbye my Lover.” Whatever music gives you the feels and reminds you of the person, play it loud, play it proud, play it on a loop.

10) Binge watch movies and TV shows that give you the feels

Similarly, stick in that rom com or rom dram that reminds you the most of your relationship when it was happy, and let your ticker marinate in the misery. Think about how your reality was so close to whichever fictional story. Decide that you deserve for that fictional story to be your life.

Good luck, RASHers! Let me know how this goes for you!

Have any more useful RASH tips? Please send them into me!

4 Clichés Singles Are Tired of Hearing

stop-1971756_640 — This is literally what you do to us when you say this kind of shoot. (Free image from pixabay)

[Warning: This is mainly written by my perspective as a singleton sischacha. But I think some of it may apply equally to my singleton brochachos.]

1) “Guys are intimidated by you”

Ummmm this is a sweet thought. But given the fact that Beyoncé, Hillary Clinton, Serena Williams, and Sydney Bristow have all managed to find someone, this charming platitude falls flat. Even if it were true, what exactly are we supposed to do with this info? Try giggling vapidly the next time we go on a date? Pretend we’re baristas* instead of pharmacists, post-docs, shooting instructors, etc.? Wear yoga pants and minimal make-up AMAP? I already do the last one, so I can say with 100% certainty that’s not the key.

2) “You’re over-thinking it”

Fabulous. Now we will start thinking about how to not over-think. Or just run away with the first Jo-Jo who comes into our path. Because THAT won’t put us at risk for getting date-raped, recruited to be a trapeze artist in a traveling circus, or in a long-term relationship with a bearded man ( 😉 )! Great idea. We’ll just pop a few Xanax and let what happens, happens. Y’all, check yourselves.

3) “You’re too picky”

This is probably one of the worst things you could ever say to us. You might as well say, “Lower your standards,” or “Stop wanting what you want,” or “You’re pretty much a 6 looking for a 10.” Now, if we have unrealistic expectations, then that may be something to discuss. But “you’re too picky” is just annoying and makes us feel like crap. Plus, aren’t we also intimidating? So how will being less picky (and presumably being open to a lower caste** of men) help with the intimidation factor? The poor fellers might die of a stroke when they find out how wildly hilarious AND smart AND beautiful we are. It wouldn’t be fair to them, really.

4) “He is insane/stupid/gay because he’s not interested in you”

(or my all time favorite “Maybe he has the gift of celibacy…?” Lolz!***) I know y’all are just trying to be kind and helpful. Truly, the sentiment – that no normally functioning straight male could EVER turn down this dynamo package of delectability – is appreciated. BUT, although I’m sure some of us have (unfortunately) dated some who fall into some of these categories, most of the time none of the above are true. Personally, I have awesome man-friends who I don’t want to date, and I hope no one questions my mental health or doubts my sexual orientation because of that. Sometimes, we just don’t got that loving feeling. This is a good thing. Otherwise, we’d all be hopelessly in love with at least 73 people at a given time. *Anyway* One of the best responses to one of my romanticangsts was just a sincere, “That really sucks. I’m sorry,” followed by a huge hug. That’s all we need. Don’t fill our noggins with grandiose and contemptuous ideers. Just pat us on the head and buy us a taco or something.

Conclusion: I REPEAT, PLEASE JUST PAT US ON THE HEAD AND BUY US A TACO

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*This wasn’t a jab at baristas. I just doubt most men are toppled over with fear and insecurity when they meet someone who is a barista. Please call me out if I’m misguided on this.

**I kid, I kid.

***I truly love the person who suggested this. But it did make me laugh hysterically.

Link to the Book of Faces

https://www.facebook.com/galloblog/posts/1895447684065886

Single and Dignified: The Valentine’s Day Edition

Being a singleton is a tough gig these days.

Our Moms are furtively creating online dating profiles for us…

pics from our ex’s Cancun weddings are splashing across our FB feed…

our friends have stopped protesting and instead pat our arms sympathetically when we indulge in self-deprecating rants..

andddd we’ve started to wave back encouragingly when randos honk at us.

Indeed, it is difficult, if not impossible, to be Single and Dignified. The Day of Valentine is especially proficient at stripping the dignity from singletons. How should one who flies solo face the barrage of ooey-gooey love-declarations?

Don’t overcompensate. You may be tempted to not just like, but heart all of the social media posts from your couplet friends. You may want to comment “OMG! best couple everrrrr!! #slay.” You may want to post something on your own timeline about how seeing everyone’s couple pic is like a glitter explosion of good feels. Hold the keyboard, Bubbles. You’re going to come across as trying too hard, and these responses will be seen as a valiant but unsuccessful attempt to cover your loneliness.

Don’t be a bitter jerk-face. If you’re a dark soul like myself, you may be tempted to go on a jaded and self-deprecating rant. You may want to troll other people’s pics and leave comments like “OMG! You and Alphonso look great. Almost as great as you and Jo-Jo looked last year.” Or you may be tempted to post a pic of you and your dog, with some statement about how humans can’t be trusted but this little guy has stuck with you through the ages. All of this is unadvisable. Your anger and sarcasm is inappropro, and will probably only result in people pitying you, which will only further enrage you.

Don’t ghost. If you’re very passive, you may be tempted to just avoid all forms of social media. This is not as pathetic as the other options, but it makes you look like a bad sport. Your silence may not be noticed, or people may assume you’re binge-watching rom-coms and crying hysterically, throwing half-eaten chocolate truffles at the screen. Don’t let people’s imaginations wander.

Don’t do Galentine’s Day. Very likely to turn into commiseration and re-hashing of everyone’s last decade of failed relationships.

Don’t get drunk. Expensive. Also, pathetic.

For the love of all human dignity, DO NOT VISIT, CALL, TEXT, EMAIL, FAX, TELEGRAPH, OR SMOKE-SIGNAL YOUR EX.

Do love expansively. A reasonable balance is to re-share a post of your favorite couple, like maybe your parents, and then log-off social media for the rest of the day. Go workout or get a pedicure, and then remember how uninspiring V-Day was even when you were in couplehood. I’ve only been in a relationship one time when ol’ V Day hit, and we went to Longhorn. We chatted about an international trip I was about to embark on. He gave me a card that was uncharacteristically sappy and featured glitter cats, which was puzzling because neither cats nor glitter held a deep meaning for either of us. He didn’t write anything extra in the card, it was simply signed “-Ethan.”* Pretty sure he just grabbed the first pink card he saw. So if you’re feeling morose, just remember that being in a relationship on Valentine’s Day isn’t guaranteed to be all that spectacular anyway. Then call your Grandma or someone who has shown you unconditional love and tell them that you love them. Maybe donate to an organization that actually puts love into action (e.g. International Justice Mission). Maybe contemplate the cross, the greatest act of love in all of history. But don’t over-cheese, don’t be sulky or bitter, don’t hide, and DO NOT CONTACT YOUR EX. Hold your head high, singletons, and love the fact that romantic love is only a very tiny sliver of the love pie.

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent

Men aren’t marrying these days because women are pathetic.

EDITOR NOTE, 02/22/2018 6:51 PM EST: Attention woman-haters —- this post was written satirically. If you are riding the female-bashing train, note that sharing this post because you agree with the title 1) proves that you did not actually read &/or comprehend this post for it’s original purpose and 2) boosts the hits for a blog managed by a single woman who normally writes about her own weird love-life, Christianity, or rando stuff that makes her cackle. SO if you are all about spewing vitriol about women, this ain’t the post or the blog for you.

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It’s no secret that there are so many incredible single men in the world. They’re smart, funny and basically total catches… so where are all the great girls? The real reason so many men are still rolling solo is much simpler: most girls aren’t worth dating.

MEN ARE BECOMING MORE FIT, ACCOMPLISHED AND INDEPENDENT WHILE GIRLS ARE LETTING THEMSELVES GO. Men have so much to offer a potential partner and the world at large — they’re strong, ambitious and totally self-sufficient. Meanwhile, girls seem to have thrown femininity and true beauty out the window and assume they can get away with the bare minimum. No thanks — they can take that laziness elsewhere.

THEY WON’T PUT UP WITH BULLCRAP. Sure, men could have a relationship if they were willing to look the other way when manipulative liars and skanks pull their crap with them, but why should they? They’ve seen all the same crap and heard all the same excuses time and time again and they respect themselves too much to accept them for the sake of being in a relationship. They’d much rather be on our own.

THEIR STANDARDS ARE HIGH AND THEY’LL STAY THAT WAY. Since men know their worth, they won’t accept anything less than what they deserve from girls. Girls need to be on their level in every sense of the word and if they’re not prepared to do that, men aren’t prepared to date them.

GIRLS THINK THEIR OPTIONS ARE ENDLESS, BUT MEN WON’T SETTLE FOR SECOND BEST. Part of the problem with modern dating is that girls think all it takes to move on to the next man is a quick right swipe on their phone screens. Ghosting and benching are par for the course, but if men so much as get a glimpse of bitchy tendencies, they’re out of there before she can open Tinder.

MEN’S LIVES ARE ALREADY FULL — IF A GIRL CAN’T ADD TO IT, SHE’S NOT WORTH MAKING ROOM FOR. Men have got busy careers, amazing friends, loving families and passions to pursue. Their schedules are booked solid. That means if they’re making room for a girl, she’d better bring something new and worthwhile to the table. If she’s just looking to get her dinner paid for or wants to “hang out” until she figures out what she wants to do with her life, she can go elsewhere.

MANY MEN JUST AREN’T LOOKING FOR WIVES ANYMORE. That doesn’t mean all of men are averse to eventually getting married, but men don’t wake up every day wondering if it’ll be the day that their Pretty Princess comes to melt their heart. Men don’t need to wait for a woman to walk down the aisle to feel as though they’ve reached the pinnacle of manhood — it’s not the 195os anymore and men are as committed to their own happiness and excellence as they could ever be to a girl.

THEY’RE BECOMING THEIR OWN WIVES. Thanks to the breakdown of gender norms and the ability of men not only to keep their house affairs in order but to excel in tasks like cooking, men are now able to provide themselves all the benefits wives used to provide them. Men don’t need a girl to cook for them or clean their house — they’ve got that locked down already. Men don’t even need a wife for kids; if they really want to become fathers, there are ways to achieve that without having to tie the knot with someone they’ll just end up divorcing a few years later.

TOO MANY GIRLS ARE INTIMIDATED BY STRONG MEN. Men are not going to weaken themselves or play off our goals and accomplishments as no big deal when they’ve worked their butts off to get where they are. Too many girls can’t handle being with a man who won’t let her control everything. Men demand the best in every area of their lives and certainly won’t put up with little girls who either feel threatened by masculinity or feel the need to try and tear them down to assuage their own egos.

So what’s a man to do? Honestly, not much other than to just keep doing you unless someone worthwhile comes along and makes you want to be in a long, committed relationship or get married.

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

Ladies: Did this post annoy/upset you? Did it come across as super condescending and insulting? Good. Because it was almost a word-for-word copy of a self-congratulatory article I found that was originally written by a woman for women that is tragically representative of many articles I’ve read on women/singlehood. I just switched the pronouns to jar us out of our delusional sneering. We have got to stop talking about ourselves like we’re Xena Warrior Princess and all the men around us are Napoleon Dynamite. You can celebrate femininity and have standards without tearing men down! Dr. Galloswag sez, “This vitriolic shoot ain’t helpin’ nobody.” Now dismount your princess carriage and go hug a man you respect.

Ladies, your femalolz are a big turn off (apparently)

..a smart, funny woman’s best bet to snag a man may be for her to limit her vocabulary to disyllabic words and giggle vapidly at his jokes.

I recently read two articles that explained my singlehood to me so beautifully. I’m not single in spite, but because, I’m so frickin’ funny* and smart**. According to this article in The Atlantic, men want women to laugh at their jokes, not to laugh at women’s jokes. The article further explained that humor correlates to intelligence, so gauging someone’s humor is a fast proxy of their intelligence. A Huffington Post article I found corroborated the first one – men find smart women – particularly women who are smarter than them – less appealing to date.

I have to say, this is the most ego-boosting reason I’ve heard lately for being single. It has nothing to do with my fashion, weird eating habits, or random quirks – men just don’t want to jump funny bones (aha, see what I did there? Whoops probably just lost a few more romantic prospects… Can’t stop this Lolz Train).

I’m torn by this news. I’ve never been so appreciative of not being appreciated, but it’s also annoying that a smart, funny woman’s best bet to snag a man may be for her to limit her vocabulary to disyllabic words and giggle vapidly at his jokes. Yes, I take this a little bit personally, but it’s also the principle of the matter.

But before we women commit ourselves to indignantly blowing the Shofar of Shame and call out men for being insecure pricks, let’s consider several alternative explanations.

Maybe men don’t actually think “funny women” are funny

This is hard to handle, but it’s possible that the same jokes that split your girlfriends’ sides are just lamé to the Monsieur Averagé.

Maybe self-deprecating humor from females makes men uncomfortable

Men could be horrified that if they laugh too loudly, the woman will suddenly burst into tears or judo chop him for not protesting that her thighs in those tight pants don’t actually remind him of a partially busted can of crescent rolls. This whole scenario might make men so tense they rather just make fun of themselves instead and let the women laugh at their expense.

Maybe funny women seem more likely to mock men mercilessly

Waxing poetic and being romantical is already putting men into a position of emotional, sometimes physical, vulnerability. Perhaps the thought of a woman mocking him in her own thoughts, to her girlfriends, or on a public blog post (teehee) makes the potential cost/benefit ratio too unfavorable to even consider.

Maybe intelligent women are more likely to be get offended at something random

This is kind of a stretch, but especially women in academia – even if they do have a good sense of humor – seem more likely to go off on a rant about male privilege, act insulted when he tries to hold the door for her… or you know, get riled up by a documentary about bra burners and start refusing to shave her legs.

..I don’t know, really. I’m just trying to be gracious here, and think more creatively. Why don’t you speak for yourselves, men?

Do you consciously find funny/smart females less attractive? If a woman gets too funny do you think to yourself “Oh snapz, she’s funnier than me. Gotta go find someone who is so dull that she’ll find my lamé jokes hilarious.”? Or is it more implicit, and you just happen to think that women who are really smart are also arrogant, nerdy, or annoying? Or is this research just dealing in averages, but YOU’RE no Monsieur Averagé, and actually actively seek out smart and funny women? I mean, I know funny smart married women, so obviously it’s not a huge turn off for all men. But.. did currently married women tone down this part of themselves while they were dating?

I’m genuinely curious – I promise I want to know the truth of the matter and I won’t publicly accuse you of being a jerk-face. Although privately I may make a little voodoo doll and tell it jokes all day just to be spiteful.

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*Mama sez I’m funny.

**Mama sez I’m smart, too.

How [Chronically] Single Men Sabotage Themselves

Are you male? Are you single? Do you wish you weren’t? Does your mom frequently look at you with sorrow and wonder why women aren’t falling at your feet? Do most of your romantic ventures fizzle out over an awkward series of awkward text messages?

If you answered yes to most of the questions above, it’s likely that you are sabotaging yourself with foolish dating practices.
If you answered yes to most of the questions above, it’s likely that you are sabotaging yourself with foolish dating practices. …

If you answered yes to most of the questions above, it’s likely that you are sabotaging yourself with foolish dating practices. I have smashed together a few #gallotips for you luckless would-be lovers.

[Please know that I’m actually not trying to be condescending. This is written for the solid guys out there who may not realize that they’re doing stupid crap to make women think that they are lamé.*]

You never ask the woman about herself or what she thinks

This past summer I was super excited that one of my really close friends grabbed dinner with a mutual friend who truly is a very kind, smart, good guy. When I nosily asked how it went, I was aghast when I found out that she was severely underwhelmed because the dude talked about himself the entire time. For perspective, this lady is a super smart, gorgeous assistant professor who travels the world for her work. When she’s local, she’s directing really important, ground-breaking research. THERE IS SO MUCH TO TALK TO HER ABOUT. I truly don’t understand – even if you’re not an expert in her field, please at least attempt to understand what she does. Or how/why she got into it. Don’t think that your ignorance about something will make you seem like a jerk-face – the only thing that will make you look like a jerk-face is if you’re unwilling to broach subjects you can’t mansplain.

An extension of this is just asking the lady what she thinks about .. stuff. Whether it be politics, her input on your most recent conspiracy theory, the unstoppable rise of Justin Bieber… whatever. AND – this is important – actually listen to her answers. Don’t spend the time she’s talking to formulate your next brilliant monologue.

You are emphasizing all the wrong stuff about yourself

I’m truly not saying this to burst your bubble, but if the lady you are dating is over 18 and doesn’t live in Nowhere, Idaho, chances are that she knows plenty of men who are just as – if not more – intelligent, rich, charming, or attractive than you. Don’t be surprised if she is underwhelmed by your ‘stats’. Before you get huffy and depressed, I’ll let you in on a secret – you can really set yourself apart by having good character. Try not taking 36 hours to respond to her text messages, keeping your word and showing up on time, paying attention to what she likes, plan thoughtful dates, etc. Sometimes men are all-to- eager to brag about their promotion at work, when women (at least, my friends and I) care more about whether we can count on you. When I was 19, a guy I was dating brought me coffee while I was studying. Not just any coffee, but a coffee with a splash of cream and two raw sugars, which is how I took it at the time. Even though this obviously didn’t end up in lifelong bliss, 8 years later I remember it and I still say “Bravo, good sir.” The point is, your character – usually displayed in the consistent, small ways you treat us and live your life – matter more than your 2 advanced degrees, 6 digit salary, six-pack abs, or whatever your point of pride happens to be.

You plan dates that do not give you a chance to shine

Some of you are a bit shy or awkward over a dinner date. The idea of making charming conversation for 2 hours over dinner makes you want to pass out or hang yourself. Fine! I say – do something completely different! Do something that lets your sweet unique little personality shine. Think outside the box. One of my friend’s favorite dates was when this guy taught her how to do a J-turn with her classic muscle car. Granted, not exactly my cup of tea – but she loved it. If you’re shy AND don’t have the stereotypical manly-man skills, do something like find a piano somewhere and teach her how to play a simple duet with you. I don’t know! I CAN’T FIX YOUR LIFE! *anyway* If the standard date-scene makes you shrivel up like a sad little kumqat in the desert, then plan something where you can roar with love like the magnificent beast we all know you are.

You are creepily romantic too soon

This one may be more specific to yours truly, but I cannot *STAND* it when someone who barely knows me tries to act like he is deeply in love with me. I immediately assume that he is either 1) emotionally unstable 2) trying to manipulate me. Forced, false intimacy is icky. It’s okay to take some time to just enjoy each other’s company without over-romanticizing. You can be warm, open, sweet, and all that great stuff without picking out a song on your ukelele that you wrote for her based off of her.. FB profile. Galloswag says, “Just be cool.”

There you have it. You’re welcome men! You can thank me when YOU’RE MARRIED because this advice was like pure gold poured straight into your mind. Please send me your personal success stories so we can go on Ellen together to promote my new book in press “Just Be Cool: Gallotips on how to not be a jerk-face when you date.”

— Editorial Notes —

* I get the irony. A cozily single 27 year old woman lecturing men about dating. Before you dismiss me and return to your vile daily activities, I’d like to argue that I’m actually far more qualified to comment on this than you’d think. Consider the following, s’il vous plait:

1) Being a sassy old maid, I’ve been on a lot more (bad) dates in current times that someone our age who settled down when they were 21. Sassy old maids also tend to cluster together and share our pathetic, hilarious, sorrowful bad date stories. Thus, I have so much material to coalesce into common themes.

2) I’m giving advice to men, not women. I’ve never been on a date with a woman so I can’t tell you from experience what the big turn offs are. Men, feel free to share your woes with me and I might just be inspired to lecture women on your behalf (As a side note, if I had any rays of insight on the woman side of things I would already be the trophy wife of a rich philanthropist with beautiful guns (both meanings apply) and a personal study that smells like mahogany and is chock-full of Tim Keller books.. and I’d be too busy opening joint checking accounts and making babies to write this darling little blog.)

3) Sad as it may be, my single lady friends and I are just the type of women that are still out there. The techniques your married male friends used to woo their current wives in high school and college ain’t gonna work with slightly jaded, highly-independent workin’ women. Just sayin’.

Friend zoned, bro!

If you agreed to wear matching shirts, you def don’t have a chance romantically. AND THAT’S PERFECTLY OKAY

Recently I posed a question to my adoring facebook community :

“If someone is interested in you but you’re 90% sure you’re going to friend zone them, is it more considerate to go on at least one date-like activity to “give it a chance,” or tell them from the very beginning you’re not romantically interested so they don’t waste their time and $?”

Well, this initiated quite the flurry of comments. I was a little dismayed that several commenters ranged from pity to contempt toward the unnamed, potentially friend-zoned man in question. In my mind, friend-zoning should not be seen as some shameful insult. Short of marrying the person, I see a good solid friend-zone as the best possible outcome to hope for.

Think about the scores of people that most single people will date before they find that special someone (if they ever do). We have to assume that there’s a very high likelihood that any given date is not going to be “the one.” If a date ends in “let’s just be friends,” it’s not a horrible failure. It’s an overwhelming success in ruling them out, and saving you precious hours of sad and angry interweb stalking. I’m probably going to be accused of being anti-marriage or a bitter old hag, but I’m totally serious about this: I think it’s almost as equally worthy of celebration to leave a person who is wrong for you than to stay with the person who is right for you.

Please consider this: less romance = less drama = less weirdness post break up = more real friend potential. So, if you become skilled at extracting yourself from cloying romance as quickly as possible, you greatly increase your chances at actually developing a wonderful, joyous, platonic relationship.

**Quick caveat: I’m assuming that friend-zoning actually means the friend-zoner actually does want to be your friend. If they say “let’s be friends,” and mean “please stop talking to me you disgusting creep,” then yes that’s a little shameful. Although still, not the end of the world really. Not everyone is going to be wildly attracted to you, and some people may actually be actively put off by you. Sure, it’s not pleasant – but why waste any more of your time creeping on them and being angry? Do you really wish that you had the secret code of charm and looks to snag someone who was turned off by your SOP? Have some dignity, and save your time for someone who truly appreciates your friendship… or even falls madly in love with you. Either one. (See, I’m not completely bitter.)

😉