Recently I posed a question to my adoring facebook community :
“If someone is interested in you but you’re 90% sure you’re going to friend zone them, is it more considerate to go on at least one date-like activity to “give it a chance,” or tell them from the very beginning you’re not romantically interested so they don’t waste their time and $?”
Well, this initiated quite the flurry of comments. I was a little dismayed that several commenters ranged from pity to contempt toward the unnamed, potentially friend-zoned man in question. In my mind, friend-zoning should not be seen as some shameful insult. Short of marrying the person, I see a good solid friend-zone as the best possible outcome to hope for.
Think about the scores of people that most single people will date before they find that special someone (if they ever do). We have to assume that there’s a very high likelihood that any given date is not going to be “the one.” If a date ends in “let’s just be friends,” it’s not a horrible failure. It’s an overwhelming success in ruling them out, and saving you precious hours of sad and angry interweb stalking. I’m probably going to be accused of being anti-marriage or a bitter old hag, but I’m totally serious about this: I think it’s almost as equally worthy of celebration to leave a person who is wrong for you than to stay with the person who is right for you.
Please consider this: less romance = less drama = less weirdness post break up = more real friend potential. So, if you become skilled at extracting yourself from cloying romance as quickly as possible, you greatly increase your chances at actually developing a wonderful, joyous, platonic relationship.
**Quick caveat: I’m assuming that friend-zoning actually means the friend-zoner actually does want to be your friend. If they say “let’s be friends,” and mean “please stop talking to me you disgusting creep,” then yes that’s a little shameful. Although still, not the end of the world really. Not everyone is going to be wildly attracted to you, and some people may actually be actively put off by you. Sure, it’s not pleasant – but why waste any more of your time creeping on them and being angry? Do you really wish that you had the secret code of charm and looks to snag someone who was turned off by your SOP? Have some dignity, and save your time for someone who truly appreciates your friendship… or even falls madly in love with you. Either one. (See, I’m not completely bitter.)
2 thoughts on “Friend zoned, bro!”
I read something on Twitter once. “Why do people hate the friend-zone so much? At this age it’s getting harder and harder to make friends and someone that I find cool wants to be my friend? That’s rad.”
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Thanks for sharing and not shaming. The labeling of being Friend Zoned sometimes carries the negative connotation when the number one gift is mishandled, communication.
The friend zoned party always seems to have crash landed on an island with Tom Hanks and Wilson. The pursuer thinks everything is going great, but is never told perhaps this will not progress into anything else. Two people who are mutually interested in one another will each make a concerted effort to effectively communicate that to the other party. I am a firm believer that the guy should pursue or chase. Getting to know someone should be done in a group setting. Its incredibly easy when you attend a large charge or community group or serve along side someone you like.
Treat it almost like an interview process. The best positions are always attained through multiple interviews. Honesty should be forthright. Men prefer women to be upfront. Its ok if it doesn’t work out. Yes, you may end up with someone that you enjoy their company on a friendly level but nothing romantically.
It is also how each individual views dating. Why are you dating? It should be with a goal of marriage ultimately. Not because spending another weekend at home in yoga pants and a pint of birthday cake binging on another Netflix series seems passe.
As a male in a church that is 77% single, I believe God has a sense of humor planting me in a house where most are 18 to 25yo.
I feel for those that have been friend zoned, but still are misled into thinking they are with someone that likes them. If you don’t like someone that way, say so. I want to beat my head against a wall when I hear , “oh but I don’t want to hurt their feelings.” Please rip the band-aid off when its a papercut before it becomes a staff infection of CDC proportion.
Its ok to meet folks and go out with them. How else are you going to get to know someone? Just don’t show up to date #1 with a wedding journal and paint swatches for your dream kitchen.
In my rambling conclusion, I like your article and the friend zone is not to be feared, just communicate and we will not continue to pursue romantically. Spoiler Alert: We may even chat about the same Netflix series together.
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