When it all comes down to it, we’re all a bunch of weirdos. But everyone thinks that their oddities are especially odd. As a special and unique treat to all 7 of my regular readers, I’m going to share a few irks and quirks of my own. Oh no, please.. please. Don’t paint me as a brave hero. It’s really a win-win for me. If you don’t identify, I will feel like a rare gem of beautiful eccentricity. If you do identify, we can be besties for life.
- Wet Tupperware
When I unload the dishwasher, those stupid Glad dishes or whatever that have these horrible droplets of water on them drives me CRAZY! Handling those dishes – attempting to dry them with a damp towel especially – is psychologically torturous to me. One of my goals in life is to have all glass/ceramic dishes. Cuz Ima fancy gurl.
- Numbers that can’t be divided by 3
This may be the nerdiest quirk. A long time ago, I learned that if the sum of the individual numbers of a multi-digit number can be divided by 3, then that number can be divided by 3, too. For example, 8079 can be divided by 3 because (8+0+7+9=24), and 24 can be divided by 3. Thus to me, 8079 is a cool kid. But a number like 4691 is lame. When I’m driving I automatically add up the numbers on license plates and mailbox numbers to see if they’re cool. If they’re not cool, then I think about the smallest alterations needed to make them cool. Like stupid 4691 could be promoted to 4692, and voila! my brain is happy again.
- Microwave beeps
This is not just at 3a.m. – I hate the stupid, obnoxiously loud and persistent beeps of a microwave. What is that microwave afraid of happening? My food will get cold again? Okay, fine. That’s my problem and then I’ll just re-heat my re-heated food. Nothing is going to catch on fire so please relax, microwave. I take distinct pleasure in stopping the microwaving at 1 sec to prevent its stupid chirping. Aha! I beat you again, self-important kitchen appliance!
- Food containers with less than one serving of food in them
They’re horrible. They’re just sitting in there, begging to be eaten so I can throw away that idiotic, empty container. The quickest way to make me obese would be to fill my fridge with containers that all had 80% of a full serving left in them. I would angrily devour them all, out of principle.
- Life (sometimes)
Life doesn’t always go the way I want it to. Or, I really want something that isn’t likely to happen. It can be helpful to sit down and write out what I wished had happen or want to happen, in all of its absurdly-unrealistic glory. For example –
…To Claire’s astonishment, Jo-Jo was standing at the door with flowers in his hands. “Claire, I’ve been thinking… and I agree that I never should have questioned your food choices. You can have as many kale acai smoothies as you want. I just want to be with you and read aloud Tim Keller books as you eat an entire jar of almond butter. Take me back, Claire Bear! ”
Is this stupid and cheesy? Absolutely (and no, I never broke up with someone over smoothies. I don’t even really drink smoothies. #sugarbombs But this is a humorified version of the sort of thing I have written before). But sometimes the stupidity and cheesiness actually helps me move on, because I realize what I want(ed) to happen will never happen. There’s also a part of me that really enjoys creating a sub-reality in which things go down the way I want. There’s probably a bit of egomania in that… but if you tell me so, I’ll just write a story about how I went on Oprah to explain this amazing technique and she gave me a free car. BOOM
These are just a few of my quirks and irks. Now you understand why my blog posts are so weird. There’s some strange stuff going on in the #gallonoggin’. And please.. share your oddities with the world. It will at least make everyone else feel a leetle more sane. 😀
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