Grieve androgynously

~If you are offended by gross generalizations of sex differences, then this post will be a burr in your buttocks.~

I will make this little advisement on grief.. brief! Teehee

En generale, I’ve noticed that when womenfolk are upset about something, they 1) surround themselves with social support, 2) talk about it incessantly, and 3) indulge in passive sedentarism (e.g. skip the gym for Netflix and chocolate). 

On the flippity side, I’ve noticed that when menfolk are upset about something, they 1) isolate themselves, 2) refuse to talk about it, and 3) throw themselves into some fairly mindless but physically intense activity (e.g. go beast mode at the gym for 3 hrs).

It is my expert opinion that the best of both worlds would be to combo womenfolk grieving tendencies #1 with menfolk grieving tendency #3 (and find a nice balance between women and menfolk grieving tendency #2). Men honestly scare me sometimes with their inability / refusal to acknowledge their hurts and work them out with people who love and affirm them in healthy ways,* and I think they would do themselves a solid to at least have a few buds that they can be honest with and express how much they are hurting. But, I think women could take a cue from men to pause the 4 hr pity-party coffee dates with their gal pals and learn to channel their intense feelings into ferocious glute clenches! Moving around can make us feel better, but even if it doesn’t – might as well be sad with an excellent tush than sad with a saggy tush, amiright?** And when the sad feelings fade, you will feel better AND be a sleek tigress.

 

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Even better: work out with a friend!!!!

 

Alright, great! Here’s to healthy grief!  

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*It’s not healthy to only talk to people who will tell you that everything you do is perfect and anyone who ever disagreed with you is mentally defective / evil.  But at the end of the day, you want to talk to someone who wants to see you flourish like a dazzling daffodil!

**I am.

Here are some great articles that talk about healthy ways to get up and over romantic relationships specifically —

eHarmony – 12 basic tips for getting over the ex

Boundless – 5 Tipes for healing from a break up 

 

Barre: The ultimate rich white girl workout

My close friends and stalkers may have noticed that I have had a very low-key interwebz presence. I’ve actually been doing tons of stuff – sciencing, canoodling a stud muffin, fighting against glutens, ANDDDDD … Barre!

I bet you guys thought I took such a long break because I was working on some deep masterpiece explaining the intersection of my faith with my career.

wrong

 

Nay. But what I *have* done is compile a great exposition on the merits and fallbacks of my newest obsession.

I know… you may want to fast for a few hours before you read this one to make sure you are fully prepared.

Okay…  so Barre … (which is, btdubs, basically Pilates with a bit of Ballet set to good music) …

Sweet stuffzzzz 

  • Boyz free
    • Ima be real – sometimes if I take a peak around the class, it looks like a lamaz class and we’re all giving birth to these little blue rubbery balls. Also a lot of “tucking” which is basically tightly controlled, elegant, rhythmic… hip thrusting. #awkward Also^2, yoga pants abound. Given the amount of ogling that goes on in gyms just when a gal is trying to do some innocent bicep curls, I have never been so grateful for a testosterone-free environment *praise hands*
  • Makes you feel like a sleek tigress
    • Especially when we do the more dance-y part, it looks and feels really awesome to be doing the same movement in formation.
    • Tones your bod, especially good for abs and bootay. Seriously – there are many different body types among the instructors, but this they all have in common: magnificent arses. #Glutes4L
  • Barre instructing is 1/3 giving clear instructions, 1/3 challenging and encouraging your class, and 1/3 being a DJ scribbles mix master
      • Perfect correlation between how bumpin’ the music is and how motivated I am to hold that arabesque for 4 … counts..
      • My ability to move in rhythm has skyrocketed. I have now gone from awkward robot to slightly-tipsy-aunt-at-a-wedding. It’s about the journey, y’all.

        napoleon-dynamite-dance
        this is basically me rn (illegally obtained from internet)

       

    • Very difficult for Barre to get too easy-peasy
      • Workouts can get boring, especially when they lose that burnin’ feeling. But with barre, you can always go deeper, add weights, raise your heels, or other great modifications to torture your body into fitness. 😀

 Sour patch kidzzzz

  • I strongly do NOT recommend this workout unless you already use good form intuitively while working out  (e.g. not letting your knee go past your toes during lunges, not hunching your shoulders, keeping a flat back, etc.). Sometimes I see a Barre lady doing something ridiculous that could injure herself / is just generally ineffective. Most Barre instructors will correct atrocious form, but sometimes if the class is full it’s hard for them to address each and every person’s bad form. Also, often okayish-but-not-great form is overlooked.
  • It’s pretty expensive, especially if you pay by the class. If you get unlimited for a month or two and go ~5/week it’s .. better.. but still. Quite the investment.
  • The vibe of the class is overall unfriendly. It’s almost as if we’re each in our little bubble and try as hard as possible not to acknowledge the other bubbles. It could just be my particular studio, but it’s a little bit weird.

 

Okay.. um… thanks guys. “Does anyone have any questions for me a this point?”*

 

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*Whoever can guess correctly where that’s from gets $10,000 in Galloswag bucks!!

 

 

6 every-day terrorists you should learn about NOW

I don’t like to be dramatic, but I am surrounded by terrorists. Yes, people who strike fear and hatred into even my tenderest of hearts. People who make the world a worse place for everyone.

The most insidious part of it all is that most of these terrorists go unrecognized, and their reign of terror marches on unabashedly. The burden falls on me to call out these commonplace, run-of-the-mill DESTROYERS OF JOY for what they are: every-day terrorists.

Ready? You should take notes.

1) Gym screamers

 

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This dude is undoubtedly going to let out an obnoxious squeal. The orange shoes guarantee it. (pixabay image)

 

We’ve all been there – you’re keeping to yourself, being a model gym citizen, and then you hear it – half tortured yet half rapturous, someone is squealing and hollering with each rep. Are they feeling extreme pain? Are they feeling inappropriate pleasure? No one knows exactly, but we all know that we feel wildly uncomfortable.

2) Chronic flakes

 

cornflakes
I honestly rather hang with this bowl of corn flakes. (pixabay image)

Not to be confused with corn flakes, these are those people who take a perverse delight in contacting you regularly to hang out, and then canceling last minute. Cancel once – nbd. Cancel twice – jokes on me. Cancel thrice – leave me be.

3) Eaters of boiled eggs in the work place

 

boiledeggs
Ew. (pixabay image)
smelly
^emergency response (pixabay image)

 

 

Thought sulfur warfare was the stuff of Old Testament curses? Not if your co-worker Brad has rolled out his lean-protein-diet on the cheap.

 4) Humorless hacks

 

 

humorless
How most of you are looking rn. Careful that your face doesn’t FREEZE LIKE THAT! *chortles*  (pixabay image)

Aka, people who don’t laugh at my jokes. Basically useless human beings.

5) People who are beautiful without trying 

 

jennifergarner
Googles “Jennifer Garner without makeup.” Weeps. (rando interweb pic – please don’t sue!)

 

*incensed, Gallohag sets her 1,394 beauty products on fire*

6) Plate food intermixers 

 

mixedplate
WARNING: GRAPHIC IMAGE (pixabay image)

Friend: “Ima just let this bean juice run all up in this here coleslaw..”

Me: *vomits*

These are the top 6. Is it coincidental that if you have three 6s together, you have the el numero de diablo?

If you have additional terrorist types to report, please notify me immediately. Our happiness, nay – our future.. NAY – our children’s happiness in the future with how happy our future was with their happy future !!!! depends on it.

 

The Unveiling of the Evangegym!

As many of you know, I’m very passionate about health and have a borderline obsession with strength training. Recently I’ve been contemplating my next career move, and I have finally settled on the perfect idea. I plan to open an Evangegym! 

Core values of my gym –

Total Definition

  • My goal: for your WHOLE body to be ripped!

Unconditional Entrance

  • open 24/7 to members

Limited Breaks

  • No texting on weight machines!

Irresistible Glutes

  • Glutes for Life! #G4L

Perseverance of the Trained

  • Training with a certified personal trainer secures eternal fitness!
sprints
Run with the Sun and the Son! Ohhhh snapppp!!! (image from pixabay)

Classes offered

  • Pontius Pilates
  • Spirit Stretches
  • Run with the Son
  • Pressin’ for Blessin’s
  • a.m. Yoga with Yahweh
  • Rows with the Bros [in Christ]
yoga
Yoga is very Christian – those are Spirit fingers pointing to heaven! (image from pixabay)
stretching-498256_960_720
No one said it would be easy, dear ones. (image from pixabay)

Don’t ignore what’s stirring in your heart! Join my gym today by sending me a one-time, lifetime membership fee (once a member, always a member!) of $10,000 (SENIOR DISCOUNT ONLY $5,000!!).

 

bodybuilder-646482_960_720
If this pic doesn’t pump you up, I don’t know what will! (image from pixabay)

 

Let’s run the race together! 

 

Chronic smoker grateful for support of Alternative Health Community

ATLANTA- Local resident Hank Womack has been smoking for the past 29 years. At first, he was suffocated by a judgmental community of “health experts” and anti-health family members who constantly tried to shove their own views on air quality and lung function down his throat. “They could see how much I got a kick out of smoking, but still they wanted to take it away from me. Probably because they are scared and don’t really understand cigarettes or lung function,” Hank confided in me. “I mean, at first I tried to quit. But it was mighty hard to impossible. If quitting is that hard, then continuing has to be good for me… This is who I am- Hank the Smoker.”
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Hank continued to explain that he grew up in a family that was brainwashed by Western medicine, and were completely closed minded to alternative views on smoking. His family, in the name of health, would subject him to odious lectures on cigarette toxicity, even going so far as to suggest he end friendships with other habitual smokers. So when Hank was about 32 years old, he cut family ties and found an alternative health community that recognized inhaling tar in your lungs as a legitimate form of breathing. “They welcomed me with open arms.. made me feel comfortable,” Hank wheezed.
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This small but dedicated alternative health community reanalyzed and reinterpreted decades of research on smoking, and a panel of chronic smokers concluded that the findings of these studies were being inappropriately applied to smokers. One of their major conclusions is that most studies were done on the harmful effects of smoking Salem cigarettes in night clubs, whereas most smokers now enjoy Marlboros in parks with their families. “This is a radically different context than the context of these landmark studies. Therefore, we reject the general consensus of the medical community that cigarettes are harmful for health,” they issued in an official statement.
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Hank added his own logic, “I feel so good when I smoke.. how can anything that makes me feel this good not be good for me?” He paused for a brief fit of coughing, which ended with him hacking blood into a napkin. “Nothing would be more anti-health than taking these away from me,” he finally rasped. This is in line with his alternative health community’s tag line “Healthy is What Makes You Happy.”
Hank plans to dedicate the rest of life freeing other smokers from the dogma of the mainstream medical community.

INSIDER’S ONLY: the wild and wonderful #gallogrub

It is well known amongst my friends and fam that my eating habits are kinda.. quirky. Thousands of people* have asked me “What exactly do you eat during the day?” I think they suspect I go to some top-secret farmer’s market, buy some magic beans, and cackle all night as I stir a pot of stew. Very very close, but not quite. I just try to hit the Eternal Quatro of Grub Delight – healthy, fast, cheap, and tasty. Although really by ‘tasty’, sometimes I just mean ‘edible’.

So you are all in for a rare treat my friends – #galloblog is giving you an insider’s look at what your ol’ Galloswag noshes on all day. Get your pinterests READY!

Breakfast

This is Publix nonfat greek yogurt and chia seeds. They’re not just for pets anymore, folks, they’re for eating. And from what I understand, every chia seed you eat flattens your stomach by 1mm. I also added a devilish dollop of all natural** peanut butter, because life is meant to be enjoyed.

Don’t forget green tea! Two different kinds, because YOLO.

Breakfast 2

img_20160923_0630058431

Wellll I was still hungry. So I whipped up a smooth and creamy bowl of oatus de branus, more commonly known as oat bran. On the top is a scoop of plain ol’ cocoa powder. Because milk, sugar, and fat in chocolate is for THE WEAK.

Pre-work snack

img_20160923_0759563001

Every morn I add a scoop of this green superfood nonsense to my water. I like to imagine an epic battle going on in my body where these valiant green warriors fight off all my evil oxidants. Because I don’t want ANY oxidants left in my body. Not. One. Damn. Oxidant.

Post-arrive-at-work snack

To reward myself for making the grueling o.6 mile walk into my lab, I always roll up a sweet potato like a sweet little baby, nuke that sucker, and eat it plain, skin and all. Yes, like a frickin’ hot dog.

.. & some white tea, because I’m still tired, and quitting coffee was hard.

Pre-lunch hunger stave off

If I had zero self-control, I would eat my lunch every day by.. 10:15 a.m. So I drink a big ol’ water bottle with a splash of raw unfiltered apple cider vinegar. Does it help with hunger? Definitely. Does it cure the common cold, cleanse your arteries, and give you the gift of telepathy? I don’t know. I ain’t no scientist.***

Cinnamon gum is also great to chew on to distract my whiney stomach. I buy this super expensive crappy kind that lasts for 15 seconds because it’s xylitol only. And regular gum stays in your stomach and grows into aliens.

Lunch

I had the delight of running home for lunch and constructing the most mouth watering omelette/frittata. It’s 2 eggs, half a bag of frozen spinach (pre-thawed in microwave), and a sprinkle of turmeric, black pepper****, and red crushed pepper. Stirred it all up and threw it in a pan coated with avocado oil.***** Then I finished it with an adorbs plop of hummus.

Post-lunch Snack

Sprouted corn flakes and cashew milk! Because it is like a crunchy festival in your mouth! And it was a ‘Woohoo!’ deal at Kroger! I literally woohoo’d when I saw it.

Dinner

I got very distracted and had no time to keep on taking pics like some psycho woman. Will anyone ever know what a #gallodinner looks like…. ?!?!?!

TO BE CONTINUED…

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*Ones of people

**PLEASE never eat peanut butter that’s not natural. It’s basically peanut flavored shortening. Hydrogenated oils are always, always, a no.

*** #gallolies

**** THIS is actually serious – turmeric and black pepper are supposed to be super anti-inflammatory

***** Apparently avacodo oil is (one of??) the only kind(s??) of oils that doesn’t turn into a carcinogen when heated up for pan-cooking. Use your EVOO for cold salad and antipasto, not cooking. Sowwy.

I like big guns and I cannot lie

What can I say, this is attractive *shrug emoji* jk.. kinda!

I’m tired of lying to myself and the world, and I will no longer live in a ratty dish cloth of guilt – I love me a man with musclezzzz.

 I know that to some, this confession seems ridiculous. Why would anyone feel guilty about  appreciating a good pair of latissimus dorsi? Well it seems to be a popular narrative among *some* communities that it’s a horrible thing to ever consider any feature of the opposite sex besides their personality. Bonus points if you can actually stand hanging out with them and enjoy the same food. But evaluate someone based on their looks?! *gasp* Be gone, you trollop!
  Even if you can’t relate to that, there’s another narrative among some people that goes something like this: On one hand, you have the beefy, unintelligent gym hounds who are obsessed with their bodies, and on the other hand, there are the intelligent, environmentally conscious, Prius-driving gentlemen who gravely dress their skinny bodies in worn leather and plaid, put on artsy hats, and discuss poetry at the local café. The choice:
1) A lumbering idiotic Neanderthal with six pack abs
2) A refined modern man who can loan you his pants in a pinch.
This my dear children, is a false dichotomy. Let me ‘splain.
For most of us, especially as we age, maintaining a really nice body is hard work. Letting your body deteriorate into limp noodles is easy. A consistently muscular body tells me that this stud has the discipline to set goals and live a consistent enough life to reach those goals. Discipline and drive are attractive. Hardly Neanderthal qualities.
–          If I care enough about someone to date or marry them, I want them to be around for a while. Exercising, unless taken to an excess, is healthy. A muscular man will be better able to protect me from bad guys and be useful (e.g. mow the lawn, chop wood shirtless (ow ow!), etc.) for a longer time, if he has muscles.
–          I have worked pretty hard and made sacrifices (oh the donuts that are still alive today because of my great discipline!) to be a lean mean machine. Yes, for shallow reasons – I like to oil my muscles and flex in front of a mirror for hours and hours – but it’s also just healthy (physically and mentally) and something I value in myself.  I would resent dating or marrying someone who couldn’t understand or support those goals. And the best situation would be someone who was an inspiration. We could spur each other on to better health and reaching new heights. Like literally, climb Mt. Everest together. Check out each other’s booties as we squat in unison at the gym. Make eyes at each other as we share a kale smoothie with two straws. Whatever.
So, now for the caveats.
–          Whether or not a guy has a nice body should not be the only or most important factor when you are considering whether or not to date him. All I’m saying is, it’s ok for it to be one factor of many.
–          To some weirdos, a muscular physique isn’t important at all. Fine, then WRITE YOUR OWN BLOG AND TELL US ALL ABOUT IT
–          There are many other things about a man’s looks aside from his degree of muscularity. Does he have dimples, a chiseled jaw, gleaming white teeth, eyes that sparkle only when they look at you, and a cleft chin? Oh, let us hope so. BUT, many of the points I’ve made only apply to physique, not genetic blessings of bone structure. So if you’re holding out for that cleft chin, you are shallow. Shame. Shame!!
–          Some men are strong and work out like beasts but don’t necessarily look very big, and some guys were just gifted with great bods. You know the type-  as long as they do two push-ups a week they look like Vin Diesel. Pfft okay. I’m talking in generalities. Again, a rockin’ bod shouldn’t necessarily be the first and foremost thing to consider. I just think it is worthy of factoring into an overall evaluation.
–          What I’m saying could apply to females too, although not for some of those features guys seem to value so dearly  — for example, a woman cannot do much naturally to change the size of her bosoms* while she is trying to stay healthy in other ways. The hour glass figure is just not something that all women can attain, sans plastic surgery. So if you’re a guy reading this, getting offended, and ready to angrily demand, “How would you like it if a guy had this attitude about female’s bodies?!” I’d say, “Calm down, Charlie Brown.” I think it would be perfectly reasonable for a strong muscular man to want a sleek tigress. To disqualify a woman because she’s not the right cup size… well that is indeed a bit shallow, because it has nothing to do with her character. Shame. Shame!!
In toto, I like men with muscles. Because I value health, drive, and self-discipline. And man bosoms are unseemly.
—- EDITORIAL NOTE —
*#galloblog is safe for the whole family