I don’t like to be dramatic, but I am surrounded by terrorists. Yes, people who strike fear and hatred into even my tenderest of hearts. People who make the world a worse place for everyone.
The most insidious part of it all is that most of these terrorists go unrecognized, and their reign of terror marches on unabashedly. The burden falls on me to call out these commonplace, run-of-the-mill DESTROYERS OF JOY for what they are: every-day terrorists.
Ready? You should take notes.
1) Gym screamers
We’ve all been there – you’re keeping to yourself, being a model gym citizen, and then you hear it – half tortured yet half rapturous, someone is squealing and hollering with each rep. Are they feeling extreme pain? Are they feeling inappropriate pleasure? No one knows exactly, but we all know that we feel wildly uncomfortable.
2) Chronic flakes
Not to be confused with corn flakes, these are those people who take a perverse delight in contacting you regularly to hang out, and then canceling last minute. Cancel once – nbd. Cancel twice – jokes on me. Cancel thrice – leave me be.
3) Eaters of boiled eggs in the work place
Thought sulfur warfare was the stuff of Old Testament curses? Not if your co-worker Brad has rolled out his lean-protein-diet on the cheap.
4) Humorless hacks
Aka, people who don’t laugh at my jokes. Basically useless human beings.
5) People who are beautiful without trying
*incensed, Gallohag sets her 1,394 beauty products on fire*
6) Plate food intermixers
Friend: “Ima just let this bean juice run all up in this here coleslaw..”
These are the top 6. Is it coincidental that if you have three 6s together, you have the el numero de diablo?
If you have additional terrorist types to report, please notify me immediately. Our happiness, nay – our future.. NAY – our children’s happiness in the future with how happy our future was with their happy future !!!! depends on it.