White people, please stop making babies.

sunburn
Sunburned woman at beach

No, I didn’t stutter. White-white child production needs to end.

This sentiment has no political, religious, or racist motivation. No – this is a sincere, heartfelt plea from yours truly, who is in fact the product of one of these white-white baby-making ventures.

On a recent trip to Florida, I went to the beach per usual. On said beach, I laid under the sun brazenly, like a normal human being. But I do not have the skin of a normal human being. I have the tortured, angsty skin that can only arise from generations upon generations of European love-making. If my skin was a musical genre, it would be 90s goth – super pale, forever stuck in pubescence, and tremendously angry at the world – particularly bright happy sunlight. Thus, it screeched with indignant rage that I dare enjoy my vacation like 100% of Americans like to enjoy their beach vacations – soaking in the sun with some of my favorites. My skin attacked me with every tool in its belt – it stung, itched, chafed, and peeled. If I exposed my skin to temperatures even one degree hotter than its ideal, it literally* caught on fire; one degree cooler and it literally sent my entire body into hypothermic shock. I have never taken so much naproxen and Benadryl just to keep from bursting into tears or running wildly around my vacay house in a crazed effort to distract myself. It was the second** most traumatic experience of my life.

That is why I stand before you now, with tears of sincerity glistening in my beautiful blue eyes: Please save the next generation of humans from this sunburn madness.

This has nothing to do with mixed-race children being beautiful (um, hello Shemar Moore). This is not an appeal rooted in white-hatred. Indeed, it is my tender love for the descendants of current white people that I beg you to give them a better life.  Neither is it somehow an appeal rooted in white-supremacy. Indeed, I hope that there are no 100% white people remaining by 2100.

Please, men and women du blanc – stop strengthening this debilitating genetic mutation that makes white people unfit for venturing outside for a full 60% of the year (at least in the south). Don’t be selfish. Lean in, and make a less sunburned world. A less painful world. A better world.

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*By literally, I mean figuratively.. of course.

**#1:  being a true conservative in 2016.

THE FEATURED PICTURE IS NOT ME! I would never wear such an ugly bikini.

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5 thoughts on “White people, please stop making babies.

  1. @galloblog, you should move to the Pacific Northwest and rage against the sun with all the other whities. Instead of perfectly tanned bodies, the people of the PNW wear jackets, pants and man-buns of many assortments to represent their love of the outdoors. Truly, a fair-skinned person’s paradise and safe haven from the big ball of fire.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I like the crispy look. Especially with your eyes and smile, I don’t see the burn. But I hear ya. My kids all tan. They got my genes. Their mom is Canadian. I am Puerto Rican and Irish. I guess that means we can drink and fight, but I tan. So do my kids. Their mom burns. And that’s ok by me. Did I say that out loud? So I have passed on my non burning skin genes to 3 lovely children. I have done my part.
    Sorry to hear of your suffering. I don’t like the thought of Claire suffering.

    Liked by 1 person

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