haha – Page 2 – galloblog

5 ways to push your coworkers over the edge— that you can try today!

Coworkers: can’t work with them, can’t work without them, amiright?? If you have some little grudgies against one or more of your coworkers, you may be looking for satisfying ways to vent your frustration without getting into a face-to-face kerfuffle that will get you fired.

1. Make sure your personal odor permeates the office

That’s right, go ahead — just 12 more spritzes

Whether it be a cloying perfume, a complete lack of deodorant, or overpowering essential oils, make sure that your coworkers know that you’re in the building by smell alone.

2. Randomly go on refrigerator cleaning sprees and throw away all your coworkers’ food

This is one of my personal favorites. Be sure to not put up signs to warn anyone that you plan to clean — just go for it. Don’t bother yourself with expiration dates, or think about the fact that someone might have their $15 lunch in there that’s only a few hours old — just clear the whole dang thing out, sit back, and watch your coworkers explode with anger.

3. Have loud phone conversations in shared spaces

Why would you excuse yourself for a personal phone call when you can talk about inappropriately personal things and giggle loudly for all coworkers to hear?? It’s also great to make only slightly veiled, personal jabs about your coworkers so that they are pretty sure you’re complaining about them personally as you’re chatting with bae. If you don’t have a bae, I also highly recommend calling up a customer service line and putting your phone on speaker phone as you wait for a representative so the entire office can hear the same prerecorded “Thank you for waiting…” message over and over and over and over and over and OVER AGAIN!!!

4. Dress so provocative that all coworkers, regardless of sexual preferences, are uncomfortable

tobias — Cast your eyes to Tobias for inspiration

You get the picture..cut-off blue jean shorts, belly shirts, loud colored-bras… anything to make your coworkers stare, and then feel weird about staring.

5. Send “reminders” or scolding emails to the group that are obviously only relevant for one specific person

canaan — Narrator: But only Dr. Galloswag had rats in G27

If you see a problem in your workplace, do not – I repeat, DO NOT! – keep it as contained as possible, and deal with it on an individual basis. Make sure the entire workplace knows about your grievance. ALWAYS involve your supervisor or boss. Deal with everything as passive-aggressively and as pettily as possible. But make sure that everyone knows who it is, even though you never say them by name. For example, if you only have one accountant in your office, send out an email saying “It’s really important for everyone working in accounting to remember to not eat Pringles in the common work area!” [include a picture of a crumbed table, for extra effect]

Alright, I’ve give you the tools — it’s up to each of you to make ’em work for you!

😉

Interwebz Slang Guide

Ladies and gents, and those who refuse to categorize themselves in bigendered terms —

I recently had to explain to someone — only ~3 years my senior! — the definition of dtr. I was embarrassed for them that they had no idea what I was talking about. Then I polled my Instagram followers, and I was again alarmed that as many as 30% of my peers admitted their ignorance of what dtr stood for.. dtr, y’all! If people on INSTAGRAM — the hippest of the hip, the youthest of the youths! — haven’t heard of dtr, my heart quakes for Facebook users, especially those born prior to 1983.

Because I’m kindhearted and like to educate the unhip masses, I decided to throw together a quick and dirty reference sheet for those of you who wander the world in blind, sad ignorance of the meaning 84% of acronyms, terms, abbreviations, etc. that youths are using to communicate.

Stay lit!!! – Dr. Galloswag

Here ya gooooooo* —

Acronymsies

4L – for life (e.g. #glutes4L after leg day is proclaiming your undying commitment to a tight tush!)

my b – my bad

bc – because

brb – be right back

btw / btdubs – by the way

dth – down to hike? ( 😉 )

dtr – define the relationship

ftr – for the record

ftw – for the win

idk – I don’t know

ily – I love you

ikr – I know right

lmk – let me know

omw – on my way

smh – shaking my head

wyd – what you doing

Terms

basic – mainstream ; unoriginal

extra – too much ; trying too hard ; dramatic

Gucci – cool, chill (in a sentence: “I’m so sorry!” “It’s Gucci”

lit – awesome, cool

woke – being aware, usually in context of social justice issues

yeet – exerting effort

Abbreviationz

awks – awkward

cas / caj – casual

cra cra – crazy

deets – details

fo sho – for sure

ru ru – rude

per uje – per usual

thx – thanks

totes / totes mcgoats – totally

Super Chrish

chrish – Christian

ptl – Praise the Lord

tgbtg – to God be the glory

…. Also note that adding unnecessary “os” and “ies” and “z”s is another way to stay wit it. For example: this blog posties is donezos, pplz!

Younguns — please feel free to message me with suggestions!

Olduns — please feel free to print and laminate to keep by your rolodex when you are talking to your offspring on the telephone! 😉

— Editorial Notes —

*I omitted some of the more raunchy slang terms that I know, bc Galloblog is safe for the WHOLE famz! Look ’em up on urban dictionary!

Georgia drivers could be ticketed for even thinking about their phones

By: Rebecca Hale

Updated: Jul 2, 2018 – 1:07 PM

ATLANTA – Even as Georgia drivers are still adjusting to Georgia’s new hand free law, some lawmakers are still not satisfied.

driving — This man could be fined up to $200 if he doesn’t keep his head out of the iCloud.

Daniel Shapper, spokesperson for Heads UP Georgia, explains. “Although HB673 was a step in the right direction, we now want to get to the root of the problem.”

There is a new amendment proposal to HB673 that is gaining traction among public safety advocates. If the proposal passes, Georgia drivers will be penalized for even thinking about their phones, text messages, or even thinking about people who have texted them in the last 48 hours.

“We have to cut the snake off at the head.” – Daniel Shapper, Heads UP Georgia

Proponents of the HB673 amendment hope to utilize cutting edge neuroscience techniques and innovations in bioengineering to install roadside brain scanners that will be able to identify – within 0.2 milliseconds – whether or not a driver is thinking about anything related to their phone with up to 97.3% accuracy. If any phone related brain activity is identified, the driver will receive a $200 ticket in their mailbox within 24 hours.

trafficcam — This ain’t your grandma’s traffic cam, folks.

Many Georgians have bristled at the idea of live brain scans that are paid for with taxpayer dollars. “This is a level of invasiveness that far exceeds the responsibilities of the state as originally outlined by the Georgia constitution,” said state representative Benny Hall (R- district 18). A group of activist mothers who call themselves Mothers Against Driving Scans (MADS) worry that the live brain scans will give their children autism, severe disobedience, and spontaneous diarrhea. Others are apprehensive that this could expand into other areas of public life, so that brain activity related to any illegal activity could be tracked and used for data sharing, or worse, become grounds for arrest. “What if I accidentally remember a scene from the movie Logan, and it’s perceived as excessively violent ideation? It’s a slippery slope,” asserts Patrick Louise, a full time student at Georgia State University. At the time of the interview, Louise was protesting just outside the Georgia capitol grounds, and held a sign that said “Keep Georgia Off Your Mind!”

Shapper and Heads UP Georgia anticipated backlash against the HB673 amendment, but are committed to pushing it through the next legislative session. “If we’re going to keep our neighborhoods safe, we have to cut the snake off at the head,” Shapper says.

One thing is for sure, Georgia drivers better buckle in for a bumpy road of political warfare.

Stuffz Gallo Likes: How John Crist encouraged me to blog with wild abandon

Here’s the dealio-yo: I have several persons and things that I’m lowkey obsessed with. I will therefore use this blog as a platform to explain to you, dearest of readers, why I love them so much. Why? Well, Misery may love company, but Fangirling marries and has babies with it, amiright?

Without further ado, this Stuffz Gallo Likes pilot episode is going to feature *drum roll * JOHN CRIST!

Let’s start with the obvs: John Crist is a comedic genius. His Instagram stories have made me giggle through some of my darkest hours (my favorite of his highlighted ig stories – Yoga and Buc-ee’s). His videos Christian Mingle Inspector and the Church Hunters episodes are satire at its BEST, and I watched this Bible Verse Lady video at least 14 times and lol’d every time. His stand-up makes me want to stand up and dance and cheer, know what I mean green bean?

But John Crist is worth more than a lolz. If his comedy is gold, his thoughtful contemplations are platinum. ⚡️ He genuinely inspired me in an interview with Sam Collier, radio host of A Greater Story. John said “[People are] like ‘Hey, I want to be a comic. I like what you do up there. What do you think about this bit?’ And I say … ‘If you believe in it, just go do it.’ … I respect anyone who just shows up.”

Amy Poehler said something similar in the beginning of her book Yes, Please!:“Remember, the talking about the thing isn’t the thing. The doing of the thing is the thing.“

I need to hear this, maybe every day. I have so many ideas – for blog posts, books, science experiments, entrepreneurial pursuits – some of which for sure border on brilliance… but if all I do is jabber about them or wait for someone else to validate them, it doesn’t matter. What should matter is if I think the ideas are good and/or funny and/or true. If they are, I should stop talking about it and make it happen. If they’re not, I should shut up and move on.

As my wise Majer once exclaimed, “Poo or get off the pot!”

But wait, there’s more! Later in the interview, John says “People ask me all the time, ‘Would you ever delete a tweet… would you ever delete a video .. would you ever delete something that wasn’t successful?’ I would say no, because that is giving people the power that you made it for them.”

Yowza. Some of my favorite posts get almost no views, and I have been tempted to go back and delete some of these shamefully unpopular posts. But I love John’s advice here. If I’m blogging for you – dear as you are – it probably won’t be as “true,” and definitely not as fun. I’ll either be constantly frustrated by my failure to engage people, or turn into a puppet, á la Billy Joel’s The Entertainer. So unfortunately for all of you, I’m going to keep posting stuff that, well, I like. All the better if some of you like it, too. But if not… ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

wot-in-tarnation-14000956 — If this is how 99% of my readers respond to my blog posts, so be it. SO BE IT!!!!!!

In toto, THANK YOU JOHN, I LOVE YOU!* ❤ ❤ ❤

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*As a sister in Christ, obvs…. #superchrish I’m not actually in love with him, for realz. Although a recent ex-boyfriend once asked me “If you love him so much, why don’t you marry him?” To which I sez, “Jokes on you – I already did.” At which he looked slightly amused, but also bemused. In restrospect, that was probably the beginning of the end. *gazes at John Crist poster plastered to ceiling* Dammit John, I hope you’re worth it.

Local Christian radio station announces Stable Knees Music Festival

ATLANTA, GA – Local Christian radio station Ghost Jamz FM recently announced they are going to host a new music festival for Atlanta citizens.

“The name ‘stable knees’ is a double pun of sorts,” Mike McMahon, host of the Ghost Jamz morning radio segment Laughs with the Lord explained. “One, as praying people, we get on our knees frequently to petition the Lord. Two, we want to emphasize how stable our walk is because there will NOT be adult beverages served at this concert.”

The concert announcement is firm in it’s zero tolerance policy for alcohol of drugs of any kind. “If there are any smoky odors in this crowd, it better be from an altar of incense made of acacia wood,” McMahon warned.

The concert is listed to feature some Christian music giants, including Chris Tomlin. Some rumors have leaked that mature audiences might be blessed with a pop-up performance from Christian music veterans Petra. Simultaneously, youth choirs of local churches will be performing secular pop songs dubbed over with Christian lyrics. The Bethlehem Baptist Timothies have promised on social media they plan to perform a Christianized version Bebe Rexe’s and Florida Georgia’s Line Meant to Be with a Calvinist twist.

Perhaps not surprisingly, most youth choirs consist almost entirely of homeschoolers.

“The main purpose of this event is to show that we can do watered-down, sub-par knock-offs of secular events,” Ghost Jamz Marketing and Promotions Czar Heather Fluff stated in a press release.

The entry cost is free, but donations of $50 are expected.

the 6 stages of post-break-up grief, in gifs

#1 – Nothing but pure, unadulterated despair

#2 – when you realize it’s really over and most of the great men in the world got married when they were 19

#3 – you let all the positive affirmations from friends and family sink in.. maybe goes to your head

#4 – you decide you hate men and resign yourself to be a cat lady forevs

#5 – but then your hormones make a strong case for staying in the game

#6 – hope for the future

C.S. Lewis outed as flamboyant vegan

C.S. Lewis is beloved among the Christian community for his allegorical fantasy fiction and strong apologetics for the Christian faith. Recently however, the Christian community reeled with shock at the content within manuscripts discovered in the back of Lewis’ work desk. Watson Button, who purchased the desk at an estate sale, explained dazedly “My wife and I expected to maybe find a rough outline for a new fantasy novel or something, but nothing prepared us for this.” What the Buttons discovered was an entire compilation of secret books expressing a wild devotion to health and veganism. For the sake of brevity, only the following titles and brief descriptions are given below.

Surprised by Soy

Lewis describes the exciting twists and turns of his 3 month “meatless Monday” journey.

A Beef Observed

A grave look at the meat production industry, and a call to action to stop cow genocide.

Mere Veganity

Considered a classic among veganists, this book provides a powerful logical case for veganism that even the most avid meat lovers would be hard pressed to dismiss.

The Lychee, the Rib, and the Hearth Stove

This epic novel follows the journey of three children who discover an enchanted hearth stove that sucks them into a world full of wonder and excitement, complete with a benevolent lychee and a sinister rack of spare ribs.

The Problem of Cane (Sugar)

Lewis tackles the universal question, “Why am I craving gummy worms right now?”

The Dietician’s Cashew

A high fantasy novel for children follows the story of a single cashew and his fight to be recognized as an alternate source of protein.

Needless to say, the these books have left Christians to thrash wildly in a bewildering sea of questions. Is Lewis still a credible theologian? Are there latent messages in his fictional stories that may be perverting the minds of our children, leaving them vulnerable to vegan propaganda? Can we trust a man who wouldn’t eat at Chick-fil-A?!

Only one thing is certain- we cannot simply say veganism is a fine diet to adhere to. No! Veganism is either the way to health, or it is utter nonsense. None of us- not one- can be indifferent.

Unsolved mysteries in ***** Research Building, Level 3

I recently started a new position at my university. It always takes a little time to assimilate to a new work culture, but this department is especially bewildering. It’s not just that I went from a department with entire colloquiums about pair-bonding to a department that’s more interested in base pairs. Nay… nay! It’s more than that.

The very halls of this department are saturated in mystery.

First, there is the Vanishing Succulent Enthusiast. In the break room, the perverted remains of a misguided Pinterest project pervade the counter space. Cacti in a cass dish– why didn’t I think of that?! Oh, bc it’s creepy and nonsensical that’s why. Who put them here? No one knows.. supposedly. Yet they haven’t died, which means **someone** is tending them. Who could this be?

Especially strange is the Spoon of Encouragement embedded within the cacti. Have you ever been feeling down, and just longed for a spoon to come out of nowhere and lift your spirits? Then this break-room is for you! Look no further than within the prickly beasts taking up 40% of the viable counterspace! This utensil of cheer has taught me a simple but profound truth: it’s not the food on the inside of your spoon that’s important, it’s the message on the outside of your spoon! Selah But.. what is the source of this spoon’s sapiency??

Let us now consider the Powder Room du Femme Greenhouse. Gone are the days in which we all had to muster up the courage to poo sans the comfort of nature. It’s so simple— all that unused counterspace is perfect for a full plant display to delight the senses of all restroom patrons. Just breathe it in.*

What remains to be determined is if and how the same VSE is responsible for these potty plants.** Stay tuned!!

The intrigue of the plants was only recently surpassed by the Sock of the Survivor. This laundry enigma debuted on December 19, 2017, tossed carelessly on the floor. Despite some diligent sleuthing, I was never able to identify a Unisocker among my colleagues. Thus, I can only conclude that the sock came from an extra-departmental source. Was it a message from the humanities that was too symbolic for us hard scientists to grasp? Did a frustrated lab tech rip it off in a fit of rage after a botched PCR attempt??

One week later, someone – exactly who was never determined – relocated the sock from the floor to the bench outside of my lab. It remained there for several weeks, generating a buzz of speculation amongst my labmates and I. We considered taking turns wearing it, as a symbol of the post-modern absurdism that permeates our daily lives.

But alas, not even two days ago, the sock was gone. Did the original sock-wearer find it and go away rejoicing? Did the sock creep away to another department floor, desperately seeking a new adventure?

So many questions, very few answers. But that’s why I’m a scientist I suppose – the mysteries, the unknowns, they thrill me!

What a department! What a LIFE!

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

* As deep as you dare, given the environment.

** Get it?? I’m so hilarious.

The War on Hugs

I’m a southerner. I hug. I hug my family members, my friends, distant acquaintances, and dogs.

cat-2640940_640 — See, even cats give full frontal hugs. It’s in nature, therefore it’s natural, therefore it’s correct. #science #logic #irrefutable

It wasn’t until I was in my teens that I realized some people consider a full frontal hug not as a friendly greeting or farewell but as …. [cringe] a sensual* pressing/rubbing together of bodies.

And in a sad effort to avoid the possibility of sensuality, the ever-polular but lamé side hug was awkwardly birthed. Ayiyiyiyi. From my #gallopov, a side hug is a gesture that should be saved for probable rapists and TK-haters, not your platonic friends of the opposite sex. The best outcome you can hope for with this pathetic hug sub is a mutual lat rub.**

couple-597174_640 — “Hmm isn’t it nice to rub lats, babe?”

But let’s turn back on the Main St of this post — good ol’ fashioned frontal hugs.

I don’t want to be naïve. I’m sure there are menz (and womenz?!) who legit get, ehh, “excited” by hugs. BUT, even if some do, does that mean all peeps should let those over-sexualized-get-their-thrills-however-they-can-folkz ruin this warm, platonic gesture for everyone?!

Cuz y’all… Pervos roam the Earth without restraint, mmkay? If we let them take our hugs away, soon handshakes will be fetishized. Then we’ll have to shift to tapping elbows as a greeting. (But of course that will need to be monitored closely, as the funny bone area can give some people intriguing sensations.) Where does it end??

At some point, we need to draw a line in the sand and stop letting the most pansexual of us drive our greeting norms. Let’s plant our feet, face each other squarely, and hug like decent humanz!

END THE WAR ON HUGS!!!

OOO,

Galloswag

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*I can’t say that word normally. Even in my head, I always pronounce it “senthual” with a nervous lisp.

**Which SOME people really get off on. #nojudgeo

A tearful plea to all men

MEN! Hear one, hear all!

I don’t care if you are black, brown, white, or yellow!

I don’t care if you are straight, gay, bi-sexual, or have a special affinity for Keebler elves!

I don’t care if you have the body of a god or the body of a gramps!

I don’t care if your skin is silky smooth or if you have an unruly forest of hair on your tum!

This plea is to all of you heterogametics.

DO NOT WEAR CROP TOPS … EVER.

A picture is worth a thousand words, so here’s 3,000 words worth of why —

Screenshot_2017-10-05-12-12-19 — [EXPLICIT!!!!!] (public instagram post)

Screenshot_2017-10-05-12-19-31 (1) — If you haven’t already decided to boycott the NFL, this should seal it. (public instagram post)

Screenshot_2017-10-05-12-18-33 — I have never been more proud that someone is *not* American. (public instagram post)

SIRS, I BEG OF YOU — CEASE AND DESIST.

Please and thank you.

❤

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