Coworkers: can’t work with them, can’t work without them, amiright?? If you have some little grudgies against one or more of your coworkers, you may be looking for satisfying ways to vent your frustration without getting into a face-to-face kerfuffle that will get you fired.
1. Make sure your personal odor permeates the office
That’s right, go ahead — just 12 more spritzes
Whether it be a cloying perfume, a complete lack of deodorant, or overpowering essential oils, make sure that your coworkers know that you’re in the building by smell alone.
2. Randomly go on refrigerator cleaning sprees and throw away all your coworkers’ food
This is one of my personal favorites. Be sure to not put up signs to warn anyone that you plan to clean — just go for it. Don’t bother yourself with expiration dates, or think about the fact that someone might have their $15 lunch in there that’s only a few hours old — just clear the whole dang thing out, sit back, and watch your coworkers explode with anger.
3. Have loud phone conversations in shared spaces
Why would you excuse yourself for a personal phone call when you can talk about inappropriately personal things and giggle loudly for all coworkers to hear?? It’s also great to make only slightly veiled, personal jabs about your coworkers so that they are pretty sure you’re complaining about them personally as you’re chatting with bae. If you don’t have a bae, I also highly recommend calling up a customer service line and putting your phone on speaker phone as you wait for a representative so the entire office can hear the same prerecorded “Thank you for waiting…” message over and over and over and over and over and OVER AGAIN!!!
4. Dress so provocative that all coworkers, regardless of sexual preferences, are uncomfortable
You get the picture..cut-off blue jean shorts, belly shirts, loud colored-bras… anything to make your coworkers stare, and then feel weird about staring.
5. Send “reminders” or scolding emails to the group that are obviously only relevant for one specific person
If you see a problem in your workplace, do not – I repeat, DO NOT! – keep it as contained as possible, and deal with it on an individual basis. Make sure the entire workplace knows about your grievance. ALWAYS involve your supervisor or boss. Deal with everything as passive-aggressively and as pettily as possible. But make sure that everyone knows who it is, even though you never say them by name. For example, if you only have one accountant in your office, send out an email saying “It’s really important for everyone working in accounting to remember to not eat Pringles in the common work area!” [include a picture of a crumbed table, for extra effect]
Alright, I’ve give you the tools — it’s up to each of you to make ’em work for you!