Unsolved mysteries in ***** Research Building, Level 3

I recently started a new position at my university. It always takes a little time to assimilate to a new work culture, but this department is especially bewildering. It’s not just that I went from a department with entire colloquiums about pair-bonding to a department that’s more interested in base pairs. Nay… nay! It’s more than that.

The very halls of this department are saturated in mystery.

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First, there is the Vanishing Succulent Enthusiast. In the break room, the perverted remains of a misguided Pinterest project pervade the counter space. Cacti in a cass dish– why didn’t I think of that?! Oh, bc it’s creepy and nonsensical that’s why. Who put them here? No one knows.. supposedly. Yet they haven’t died, which means **someone** is tending them. Who could this be?

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Especially strange is the Spoon of Encouragement embedded within the cacti. Have you ever been feeling down, and just longed for a spoon to come out of nowhere and  lift your spirits? Then this break-room is for you! Look no further than within the prickly beasts taking up 40% of the viable counterspace! This utensil of cheer has taught me a simple but profound truth: it’s not the food on the inside of your spoon that’s important, it’s the message on the outside of your spoon! Selah But.. what is the source of this spoon’s sapiency??

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Let us now consider the Powder Room du Femme Greenhouse. Gone are the days in which we all had to muster up the courage to poo sans the comfort of nature. It’s so simple— all that unused counterspace is perfect for a full plant display to delight the senses of all restroom patrons. Just breathe it in.*

What remains to be determined is if and how the same VSE is responsible for these potty plants.** Stay tuned!!

 

 

The intrigue of the plants was only recently surpassed by the Sock of the Survivor. This laundry enigma debuted on December 19, 2017, tossed carelessly on the floor. Despite some diligent sleuthing,  I was never able to identify a Unisocker among my colleagues. Thus, I can only conclude that the sock came from an extra-departmental source. Was it a message from the humanities that was too symbolic for us hard scientists to grasp? Did a frustrated lab tech rip it off in a fit of rage after a botched PCR attempt??

 

 

One week later, someone – exactly who was never determined – relocated the sock from the floor to the bench outside of my lab. It remained there for several weeks, generating a buzz of speculation amongst my labmates and I. We considered taking turns wearing it, as a symbol of the post-modern absurdism that permeates our daily lives.

But alas, not even two days ago, the sock was gone. Did the original sock-wearer find it and go away rejoicing? Did the sock creep away to another department floor, desperately seeking a new adventure?

So many questions, very few answers. But that’s why I’m a scientist I suppose – the mysteries, the unknowns, they thrill me!

What a department! What a LIFE!

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

* As deep as you dare, given the environment.

** Get it?? I’m so hilarious.

The swag of Gallo! (Fashion Guide)

Dressing the Galloswag is a fine, sophisticated, subtle art.

This may come as a surprise to some of you, but I consider myself a bit of a fashionista. What may seem sloppy to the untrained eye is actually the result of careful deliberation. Dressing the Galloswag is a fine, sophisticated, subtle art. Because I am a generous person who is always thinking of ways to benefit society, I have decided to share my fabulous fashion secrets. These three overarching principles put the #swag in my #gallo: Comfy, Consistent, and Comical.

  1. Comfy

 

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Whether it be pants fit for yoga-ing, soft hoodies that are wearable blankies, or shorts that ride the tantalizing edge between gym-wear and sleep-wear, comfy is key (dare I say.. comkey?!). If you’re not sure where to start, I recommend beginning each morning by examining your pj’d self with a loving but critical eye. Then ask yourself “What are the most minor changes I can make so I can go out in public and not get arrested?” Then proceed accordingly. If you find yourself reaching for that button-down blouse, talk yourself off that stiff, uncomfortable cliff! As the wise and wonderful Christina Aguilera said in Season 5 (?) of NBC’s The Voice, “pick your moments.” Save those fancy shirts for future events where you really want to make an impression, like your ex’s wedding.

  1. Consistent

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I simply cannot emphasize this enough: variety in clothing reeks of privilege. Yeah, I said it. Look, some of us are poor. And picky. And hate shopping. When I find a style of clothing that works for me, I buy as many different [solid] colors of that clothing item as I can. That way, people are never quite sure if I’m actually re-wearing the same orange shorts I was wearing yesterday, or if I’m playing with their minds by selecting a softer, genteel peachy-orange. I’ll let you in on a dark secret: sometimes it’s the same thing I was wearing the day before!

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Take note: pit stains are nothing to be ashamed about. They tell a story. A story like, “I have worn this short a lot, and I have sweat in this shirt a lot.” Wow, great story.

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Another way of thinking about consistency is across time. People like predictability- it makes them feel safe. I’m committed to creating and maintaining safe spaces. That is why I [figuratively] stretch my clothing across years. Just browse through my Facebook pictures, and you will see my favorites over, and over, and over again. One of my proudest items of clothing is this marvelous black tank-top, featured above. Making its debut in 2011, this tank top has graced the body of Galloswag for six years straight. Yes, the year numbers were placed strategically, because YOU WILL NOT GET CHEAP THRILLS FROM READING GALLOBLOG!!!

  1. Comical

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What is clothing, really, except to make us lolz? Don’t answer that. This is the third and most important way I express myself through fashion. Halloween socks? Although scurry, they make me giggle. Telling the world I love tacos? Hilair. Elmo shirt – ridiculous, and also silky! Garfield pj’s AND doggy slippers? So absurdly tacky I can’t help but cackle every time I pass a mirror. Life can be bleak, and so many issues need to be taken seriously. Your personal fashion is not one of them. Give it a try!

 

I hope the Triple C’s of fashion was as inspiring to read as it was to write. C’mon folks, let’s all join hands and gather around a new fashion. A fashion for all people: Comfy! Consistent! Comical!