You are shuffling through the grocery store. Bodies surround you. You suspect these bodies must have faces with eyes, eyes that are human, but you don’t care to look. At every turn, you are confronted with an abundance of meaningless choices, choices born of oppressive capitalism. Marketing ploys are yanking at your focus, doing everything possible to seduce you into whimsical purchases. Shriveling cabbage is being sold for a gut-wrenching price.
Darkness.
Then, into that darkness, a peppy flash of yellow catches your eye. Your heart leaps and you find yourself pulled to the yellow before your consciousness has had time to process.
As you come closer, your tender bud of hope blooms into a mature bloom of joy –
It’s a Wohoo! Kroger deal!!!
Like that – the bodies become friends, the choices become simple, the marketing becomes silly, the cabbage is $0.79.
Coworkers: can’t work with them, can’t work without them, amiright?? If you have some little grudgies against one or more of your coworkers, you may be looking for satisfying ways to vent your frustration without getting into a face-to-face kerfuffle that will get you fired.
Every workplace has a Toby.
1. Make sure your personal odor permeates the office
That’s right, go ahead — just 12 more spritzes
Whether it be a cloying perfume, a complete lack of deodorant, or overpowering essential oils, make sure that your coworkers know that you’re in the building by smell alone.
2. Randomly go on refrigerator cleaning sprees and throw away all your coworkers’ food
This is one of my personal favorites. Be sure to not put up signs to warn anyone that you plan to clean — just go for it. Don’t bother yourself with expiration dates, or think about the fact that someone might have their $15 lunch in there that’s only a few hours old — just clear the whole dang thing out, sit back, and watch your coworkers explode with anger.
3. Have loud phone conversations in shared spaces
Why would you excuse yourself for a personal phone call when you can talk about inappropriately personal things and giggle loudly for all coworkers to hear?? It’s also great to make only slightly veiled, personal jabs about your coworkers so that they are pretty sure you’re complaining about them personally as you’re chatting with bae. If you don’t have a bae, I also highly recommend calling up a customer service line and putting your phone on speaker phone as you wait for a representative so the entire office can hear the same prerecorded “Thank you for waiting…” message over and over and over and over and over and OVER AGAIN!!!
4. Dress so provocative that all coworkers, regardless of sexual preferences, are uncomfortable
Cast your eyes to Tobias for inspiration
You get the picture..cut-off blue jean shorts, belly shirts, loud colored-bras… anything to make your coworkers stare, and then feel weird about staring.
5. Send “reminders” or scolding emails to the group that are obviously only relevant for one specific person
Narrator: But only Dr. Galloswag had rats in G27
If you see a problem in your workplace, do not – I repeat, DO NOT! – keep it as contained as possible, and deal with it on an individual basis. Make sure the entire workplace knows about your grievance. ALWAYS involve your supervisor or boss. Deal with everything as passive-aggressively and as pettily as possible. But make sure that everyone knows who it is, even though you never say them by name. For example, if you only have one accountant in your office, send out an email saying “It’s really important for everyone working in accounting to remember to not eat Pringles in the common work area!” [include a picture of a crumbed table, for extra effect]
Alright, I’ve give you the tools — it’s up to each of you to make ’em work for you!
Ladies and gents, and those who refuse to categorize themselves in bigendered terms —
I recently had to explain to someone — only ~3 years my senior! — the definition of dtr. I was embarrassed for them that they had no idea what I was talking about. Then I polled my Instagram followers, and I was again alarmed that as many as 30% of my peers admitted their ignorance of what dtr stood for.. dtr, y’all! If people on INSTAGRAM — the hippest of the hip, the youthest of the youths! — haven’t heard of dtr, my heart quakes for Facebook users, especially those born prior to 1983.
smh
Because I’m kindhearted and like to educate the unhip masses, I decided to throw together a quick and dirty reference sheet for those of you who wander the world in blind, sad ignorance of the meaning 84% of acronyms, terms, abbreviations, etc. that youths are using to communicate.
Stay lit!!! – Dr. Galloswag
Here ya gooooooo* —
Acronymsies
4L – for life (e.g. #glutes4L after leg day is proclaiming your undying commitment to a tight tush!)
my b – my bad
bc – because
brb – be right back
btw / btdubs – by the way
dth – down to hike? ( 😉 )
dtr – define the relationship
ftr – for the record
ftw – for the win
idk – I don’t know
ily – I love you
ikr – I know right
lmk – let me know
omw – on my way
smh – shaking my head
wyd – what you doing
Terms
basic – mainstream ; unoriginal
extra – too much ; trying too hard ; dramatic
Gucci – cool, chill (in a sentence: “I’m so sorry!” “It’s Gucci”
lit – awesome, cool
woke – being aware, usually in context of social justice issues
yeet – exerting effort
Abbreviationz
awks – awkward
cas / caj – casual
cra cra – crazy
deets – details
fo sho – for sure
ru ru – rude
per uje – per usual
thx – thanks
totes / totes mcgoats – totally
Super Chrish
chrish – Christian
ptl – Praise the Lord
tgbtg – to God be the glory
…. Also note that adding unnecessary “os” and “ies” and “z”s is another way to stay wit it. For example: this blog posties is donezos, pplz!
Younguns — please feel free to message me with suggestions!
Olduns — please feel free to print and laminate to keep by your rolodex when you are talking to your offspring on the telephone! 😉
— Editorial Notes —
*I omitted some of the more raunchy slang terms that I know, bc Galloblog is safe for the WHOLE famz! Look ’em up on urban dictionary!
A friend of mine has beauteous eyes. They are probably her most beguiling feature. Some guys, when (possibly?!) trying to compliment her, say something like this —
Him [while staring into her eyes]: “Hey what color are your eyes?”
Her: “Ummm.. green.”
Him: “Really? Huh. Wasn’t sure.”
Her: “Okay….”
When she told me this, I was like, “hey guh, pretty sure he just thinks your eyes are pretty.. or he wouldn’t have brought it up.” But the execution was poor, causing confusion. In conclusion… Bad Strategy: Ask her what color her eyes are, as if you failed preschool and are not yet able to identify and name colors.
Men: practice on complimenting this one eye until you get comfortable with the idea. In case you are confused, this eye is GREEN *eye roll*
Don’t give her the opportunity to misunderstand your compliment for a neutral statement about your sensory processing limitations. Don’t make vague allusions to her features. Leave no doubt she is being complimented. Better Strategy: Tell her, “Your eyes are pretty.”
But if you really want to blow her away, be specific and let yourself be a little vulnerable maybe. Here’s a Gangsta-Level strategy: “Your eyes are very pretty. They’re like grey… with flecks of green. So if I’m staring at you, I’m sorry, but that’s why.”*
Yowza yowz! This last compliment shows the woman that 1) you understand basic colors 2) you took the time to think about why you liked her features so much 3) you like a physical feature that is most reflective of her inner spirit.
BOOM! You’re welcome men. Go forth and compliment like a boss!
— EDITORIAL NOTES —
*A real man actually said this to a real woman, seriously! Gangstas of love in our midst!
ATLANTA – Even as Georgia drivers are still adjusting to Georgia’s new hand free law, some lawmakers are still not satisfied.
This man could be fined up to $200 if he doesn’t keep his head out of the iCloud.
Daniel Shapper, spokesperson for Heads UP Georgia, explains. “Although HB673 was a step in the right direction, we now want to get to the root of the problem.”
There is a new amendment proposal to HB673 that is gaining traction among public safety advocates. If the proposal passes, Georgia drivers will be penalized for even thinking about their phones, text messages, or even thinking about people who have texted them in the last 48 hours.
“We have to cut the snake off at the head.” – Daniel Shapper, Heads UP Georgia
Proponents of the HB673 amendment hope to utilize cutting edge neuroscience techniques and innovations in bioengineering to install roadside brain scanners that will be able to identify – within 0.2 milliseconds – whether or not a driver is thinking about anything related to their phone with up to 97.3% accuracy. If any phone related brain activity is identified, the driver will receive a $200 ticket in their mailbox within 24 hours.
This ain’t your grandma’s traffic cam, folks.
Many Georgians have bristled at the idea of live brain scans that are paid for with taxpayer dollars. “This is a level of invasiveness that far exceeds the responsibilities of the state as originally outlined by the Georgia constitution,” said state representative Benny Hall (R- district 18). A group of activist mothers who call themselves Mothers Against Driving Scans (MADS) worry that the live brain scans will give their children autism, severe disobedience, and spontaneous diarrhea. Others are apprehensive that this could expand into other areas of public life, so that brain activity related to any illegal activity could be tracked and used for data sharing, or worse, become grounds for arrest. “What if I accidentally remember a scene from the movie Logan, and it’s perceived as excessively violent ideation? It’s a slippery slope,” asserts Patrick Louise, a full time student at Georgia State University. At the time of the interview, Louise was protesting just outside the Georgia capitol grounds, and held a sign that said “Keep Georgia Off Your Mind!”
Shapper and Heads UP Georgia anticipated backlash against the HB673 amendment, but are committed to pushing it through the next legislative session. “If we’re going to keep our neighborhoods safe, we have to cut the snake off at the head,” Shapper says.
One thing is for sure, Georgia drivers better buckle in for a bumpy road of political warfare.
All of us have our guilty pleasure romantic comedy favorites, but I think we can all agree that most plot lines to rom coms are unrealistic, and even worse, secular. Recently there has been a push among evangelical Christians for more realistic films about romance in the modern Church. Here at the top 5 must-see Christian rom coms that will gratify the realist in us all.
10,000,000 Things I Prayed About You This is your classic boy meets girl, boy prays about whether or not to pursue girl for 3 years, in the meantime girl meets, dates, gets engaged, and marries someone else.
Boy, 2015
Boy, 2018
Several Okay Days Tough-as-nails single mom appropriately guards her heart against the advances of charming millionaire playboy. Dies alone
The heroine of this film played candy crush to distract herself from her romantic longings.
You Don’t Got Mail Young lady still living at home with parents signs up for online dating and begins a warm email exchange with a witty gentleman. Parents discover the emails and block witty gentleman so their daughter can focus on dating Jesus and nannying her siblings’ kids.
0 messages, 0 heart clutter
Focused in Philly Independent woman witnesses a murder, is assigned a darkly dangerous and handsome bodyguard to protect her until the court trial. Sparks fly. Man maintains professional conduct and they part ways amicably after the trial.
Always nice to end a relationship before it begins with a firm handshake!
Not Knocked Up Troubled bad boy moves in next door to awkward teenage girl. They develop and unexpected friendship until girl’s dad sees his tattoos and forbids future contact. She obeys and begins dating her effeminate childhood friend.
Tattoo free and sensitive ❤
Coming soon to a weird, indie theater far from you!
Brad shares a deep insight into the scripture reading, and your heart leaps within you in affirmation. When you expand on Brad’s idea with a vulnerable example from your own spiritual journey, his eyes lock with yours for an electrifying moment. Before you even realize what’s happening, your very souls are linked together.
We can all relate to those times in your church small group when you and another member are just really jiving, and whether you like it or not, you just formed a soul tie.
Although these experiences can be heady, they are deleterious to our future relationships. Take it from Mary Anne McAllister, a long-suffering victim of an accidental soul tie despite being married for seven years to the man of her dreams. “I try to connect to my husband when we pray together, but all I can think about when I close my eyes is that one time when Jo-Jo McGee said ‘yes Lord’ in response to one of my prayers back in 2006.”
Rex Hood, a self-educated theologian and pastor, is offering freedom from these soul ties. “The best solution is prevention, obviously. I think we would all agree that any sort of connection with anyone who is not your future spouse will lead to devastating emotional and spiritual consequences for the rest of your life. But if the worst happens and you accidentally bond with someone of the opposite sex in your Christian community, there are certain… options.”
From here, the details get a little mysterious. Rex’s professional site does not disclose his particular methods, and his entire business relies on personal recommendations. He does have a 3.5 star rating on yelp, with some customer’s claiming “$500 is worth freeing my soul from over a decade of intimate, mixed-sex small group discussions!” He has, however, been spotted entering the homes of soul-tie victims with essential oils, a 4 ft wooden cross, and Michael W. Smith cds.
Rex remains unfazed by some accusations that charging $500 to sever each soul tie is a bit exploitative. “If you don’t think your soul is worth at least $500, I probably can’t help you anyway.”
For those with knotted souls and a little extra cash, it just may be worth it.
C. Gallo is a freelance writer in Atlanta, GA. She enjoys writing lies that make her lolz. Some of the characters in this story may be fictional, then again they may be real. Any resemblance to real persons or businesses might be on purpose, to cause controversy and drive up her blog views.
ATLANTA, GA – Local Christian radio station Ghost Jamz FM recently announced they are going to host a new music festival for Atlanta citizens.
“The name ‘stable knees’ is a double pun of sorts,” Mike McMahon, host of the Ghost Jamz morning radio segment Laughs with the Lord explained. “One, as praying people, we get on our knees frequently to petition the Lord. Two, we want to emphasize how stable our walk is because there will NOT be adult beverages served at this concert.”
Obviouslyyyyyyyy
The concert announcement is firm in it’s zero tolerance policy for alcohol of drugs of any kind. “If there are any smoky odors in this crowd, it better be from an altar of incense made of acacia wood,” McMahon warned.
The concert is listed to feature some Christian music giants, including Chris Tomlin. Some rumors have leaked that mature audiences might be blessed with a pop-up performance from Christian music veterans Petra. Simultaneously, youth choirs of local churches will be performing secular pop songs dubbed over with Christian lyrics. The Bethlehem Baptist Timothies have promised on social media they plan to perform a Christianized version Bebe Rexe’s and Florida Georgia’s Line Meant to Be with a Calvinist twist.
Perhaps not surprisingly, most youth choirs consist almost entirely of homeschoolers.
“The main purpose of this event is to show that we can do watered-down, sub-par knock-offs of secular events,” Ghost Jamz Marketing and Promotions Czar Heather Fluff stated in a press release.
The entry cost is free, but donations of $50 are expected.
My close friends and stalkers may have noticed that I have had a very low-key interwebz presence. I’ve actually been doing tons of stuff – sciencing, canoodling a stud muffin, fighting against glutens, ANDDDDD … Barre!
I bet you guys thought I took such a long break because I was working on some deep masterpiece explaining the intersection of my faith with my career.
Nay. But what I *have* done is compile a great exposition on the merits and fallbacks of my newest obsession.
I know… you may want to fast for a few hours before you read this one to make sure you are fully prepared.
Okay… so Barre … (which is, btdubs, basically Pilates with a bit of Ballet set to good music) …
Sweet stuffzzzz
Boyz free
Ima be real – sometimes if I take a peak around the class, it looks like a lamaz class and we’re all giving birth to these little blue rubbery balls. Also a lot of “tucking” which is basically tightly controlled, elegant, rhythmic… hip thrusting. #awkward Also^2, yoga pants abound. Given the amount of ogling that goes on in gyms just when a gal is trying to do some innocent bicep curls, I have never been so grateful for a testosterone-free environment *praise hands*
Makes you feel like a sleek tigress
Especially when we do the more dance-y part, it looks and feels really awesome to be doing the same movement in formation.
Tones your bod, especially good for abs and bootay. Seriously – there are many different body types among the instructors, but this they all have in common: magnificent arses. #Glutes4L
Barre instructing is 1/3 giving clear instructions, 1/3 challenging and encouraging your class, and 1/3 being a DJ scribbles mix master
Perfect correlation between how bumpin’ the music is and how motivated I am to hold that arabesque for 4 … counts..
My ability to move in rhythm has skyrocketed. I have now gone from awkward robot to slightly-tipsy-aunt-at-a-wedding. It’s about the journey, y’all.
this is basically me rn (illegally obtained from internet)
Very difficult for Barre to get too easy-peasy
Workouts can get boring, especially when they lose that burnin’ feeling. But with barre, you can always go deeper, add weights, raise your heels, or other great modifications to torture your body into fitness. 😀
Sour patch kidzzzz
I strongly do NOT recommend this workout unless you already use good form intuitively while working out (e.g. not letting your knee go past your toes during lunges, not hunching your shoulders, keeping a flat back, etc.). Sometimes I see a Barre lady doing something ridiculous that could injure herself / is just generally ineffective. Most Barre instructors will correct atrocious form, but sometimes if the class is full it’s hard for them to address each and every person’s bad form. Also, often okayish-but-not-great form is overlooked.
It’s pretty expensive, especially if you pay by the class. If you get unlimited for a month or two and go ~5/week it’s .. better.. but still. Quite the investment.
The vibe of the class is overall unfriendly. It’s almost as if we’re each in our little bubble and try as hard as possible not to acknowledge the other bubbles. It could just be my particular studio, but it’s a little bit weird.
Okay.. um… thanks guys. “Does anyone have any questions for me a this point?”*
— EDITORIAL NOTES —
*Whoever can guess correctly where that’s from gets $10,000 in Galloswag bucks!!
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