lol – Page 3 – galloblog

AUTOINTERVIEW: Renowned blogger shares her most intimate secrets with herself, and then you

This isn’t me (or is it…????) but…. close enough (pixabay free image)

Believe it or not, Fall 2017 marked the passing of wee lil’ Galloblog from infancy into toddlerhood. In a belated celebration of 1 delightful year* of Galloblog’s astounding profundity and comedic brilliance, I wanted to check in with the mastermind of it all- Dr. Galloswag herself. After much coaxing and bribery, I convinced the shy, modest she-genius to open up about her hopes and dreams, blogging philosophy, recent felony conviction**, and more!

Q. You often begin your blogs with stories that lead into your main point. Are these all real stories?

A. Ha, well- usually. Sometimes my stories are mash-ups of my own experiences and the experiences of my friends. Or sometimes if something happened to me, I’ll write about it as if it’s a general phenomenon, or it happened to one of my friends — you know, just to give me a false sense of privacy. 😀 😀 😀

Q. Why do you write about being single so much? Are you desperate?

A. Wellll the answer to this question is two-fold. One, I write about singleness, dating, and relationships in probably less than half of my posts – but no one reads those. So the posts that actually register on your news feed are more likely to be the romantically-themed posts, because you nosy bastards are more likely to react, comment, share etc. those. I’m not obsessed, YOU ALL ARE OBSESSED. Two, I do like to write about being single – especially as a Christian, conservative (in a Rand Paul way), smarty-pants, late-twenties female in the south. I think it’s one of the few topic areas that I may actually have something unique and original to contribute. I care about many, many other things – politics, fitness, travel, black bean brownie recipes – but all of those topics have been covered ad nauseam in bloggo world. I also like to think young females ~10-15 years younger than me may read my stuff and be inspired to avoid the absurd, idiotic situations I’ve gotten myself into. I suppose I see myself as a potential interweb big sister. Looks out into the distance heroically

Q. If you could have dinner with three people, who would it be?

A. Easy! Brandon Sanderson (the best sci-fi/fantasy author in the worrrrllllldddd!!), Jimmy Fallon, and Tim Keller (duh).

Q. Why do you blog about your faith so much? Do you fancy yourself a priestess or something?

A. Ahh, no. BUT, one of the many reasons I like to write about my faith is because although there are so so so many blogs about Christianity – especially written by women for women – they all take themselves so golly-derned seriously. I think it may be good for the world to know that there are Christian women out there who love Jesus and have struggles and sometimes feel inadequate and blah blah blah, but can also snort-laugh at themselves and aren’t constantly indulging in spiritual navel-gazing.

Q. Which posts are you most and least proud of?

A. All my blogs are my little thought-babies, so it’s hard to pick. Hmm although it was not the most popular by any means, one of my favorite posts is Chronic smoker grateful for support of Alternative Health Community. No one really got it besides my mom, but I think it’s one of those posts that “those with ears to hear” will hear. As for my least favorite, the one and only post I have removed was about “The Honest PhDs Resume.” It was too pouty and negs, and I didn’t want potential employers finding it.

Q. How long will Galloblog blaze on?

A. For as long as I get kicks and giggles from it. My only rule for this blog is that the content has to flow from my brainz to my fingerz to the interwebz to your brainz like an easy, smooth, riviere des mots. As soon as I start stressing about it or feel stilted when I try to write stuff, this sucker is going down to Chinatown.

Q. What’s your biggest hope for Galloblog?

A. That John Crist will read it and fall in love with my mind, and then stalk me on social media and fall in love with my strong selfie-game, and then fly me out to LA to be his life comedy partner. ❤

With that, Galloswag jumped out of her chair, sprinted across the room and out the window to fight fascism, unrealistic beauty standards for women, and gluten.

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*.. and a few months.. I wrote this post out with pen and paper a loooong time ago at a coffee shop and forgot all about it.. whoops

**Content removed at Gallolawyers request.

Christian singles: It’s time to put your sins to good use!

This is a self-help post for Christians who may still not have a great grasp on how many church cultures operate (bless your hearts!).

Do you think that church small groups are for building community, keeping each other accountable, learning about the word of God, and spurring each other on to good works?

Think again!

Church small groups are for meeting your future spouse.

bride-454144 — Eyes on the prize, y’all — *eyes on the prize!!!!* (pixabay free image)

Nothing more, nothing less. So let’s get the obvious out of the way so we can talk strategy. You need to appear deep (really, almost tortured is best if you’re a guy) and Godly (don’t forget to quote those Pauline scriptures!) at all times. But there’s a third, crucial element that will really kick your marriageability into high-gear: Tasteful vulnerability.

How do you get there? Well, the easiest way is through confessing your sins. What’s more vulnerable than admitting to a group of mixed-sex peers that you ride the struggle bus sometimes? **BUT** it’s important that you are vulnerable in a kinda sexy, mysterious way, not icky, pathetic way.

Share the right sort of sins for the right sort of vulnerability!

MEN: Never confess porn addiction or laziness. Sexual sins are too PG-13 for the ladies in this crowd, and revealing your lack of ambition will only reinforce their fears that they really will be stuck teaching the 3rd grade for the rest of their lives. No no no.

The tasteful vulnerable zone, for men: Confess your sin of pride. It will make you seem humble, yet also offer a tantalizing hint that you have many, many things to be prideful about.

WOMEN: Never confess doubt or gluttony. These dudes are looking for moms to rear their perfect children, and they aren’t going to risk you turning pago after a bun has started cooking in the oven. The glutton thing will just give men visions of your inevitable middle-aged-onset obesity… Not exactly a picture that will make them rush to Jared.

The tasteful vulnerable zone, for women: Confess your sin of perfectionism. It will make you seem humble, yet also establish that you are, after all, kinda perfect.

Follow these guidelines and I guarantee that you will be in a state of matrimonial bliss within one year! Remember – save the weird stuff for marriage counseling, and let your selective vulnerability score you a mate NOW!

The War on Hugs

I’m a southerner. I hug. I hug my family members, my friends, distant acquaintances, and dogs.

cat-2640940_640 — See, even cats give full frontal hugs. It’s in nature, therefore it’s natural, therefore it’s correct. #science #logic #irrefutable

It wasn’t until I was in my teens that I realized some people consider a full frontal hug not as a friendly greeting or farewell but as …. [cringe] a sensual* pressing/rubbing together of bodies.

And in a sad effort to avoid the possibility of sensuality, the ever-polular but lamé side hug was awkwardly birthed. Ayiyiyiyi. From my #gallopov, a side hug is a gesture that should be saved for probable rapists and TK-haters, not your platonic friends of the opposite sex. The best outcome you can hope for with this pathetic hug sub is a mutual lat rub.**

couple-597174_640 — “Hmm isn’t it nice to rub lats, babe?”

But let’s turn back on the Main St of this post — good ol’ fashioned frontal hugs.

I don’t want to be naïve. I’m sure there are menz (and womenz?!) who legit get, ehh, “excited” by hugs. BUT, even if some do, does that mean all peeps should let those over-sexualized-get-their-thrills-however-they-can-folkz ruin this warm, platonic gesture for everyone?!

Cuz y’all… Pervos roam the Earth without restraint, mmkay? If we let them take our hugs away, soon handshakes will be fetishized. Then we’ll have to shift to tapping elbows as a greeting. (But of course that will need to be monitored closely, as the funny bone area can give some people intriguing sensations.) Where does it end??

At some point, we need to draw a line in the sand and stop letting the most pansexual of us drive our greeting norms. Let’s plant our feet, face each other squarely, and hug like decent humanz!

END THE WAR ON HUGS!!!

OOO,

Galloswag

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*I can’t say that word normally. Even in my head, I always pronounce it “senthual” with a nervous lisp.

**Which SOME people really get off on. #nojudgeo

A tearful plea to all men

MEN! Hear one, hear all!

I don’t care if you are black, brown, white, or yellow!

I don’t care if you are straight, gay, bi-sexual, or have a special affinity for Keebler elves!

I don’t care if you have the body of a god or the body of a gramps!

I don’t care if your skin is silky smooth or if you have an unruly forest of hair on your tum!

This plea is to all of you heterogametics.

DO NOT WEAR CROP TOPS … EVER.

A picture is worth a thousand words, so here’s 3,000 words worth of why —

Screenshot_2017-10-05-12-12-19 — [EXPLICIT!!!!!] (public instagram post)

Screenshot_2017-10-05-12-19-31 (1) — If you haven’t already decided to boycott the NFL, this should seal it. (public instagram post)

Screenshot_2017-10-05-12-18-33 — I have never been more proud that someone is *not* American. (public instagram post)

SIRS, I BEG OF YOU — CEASE AND DESIST.

Please and thank you.

❤

Click here for more timeless fashion advice!

How an every day hero changed my life

There aren’t many heroes left in the world.

There aren’t many people in this modern age I can point to and say, “That kid has gumption.”

There aren’t many people who think outside the box.

When everyone else is saying “Just take the easy way out,” there’s one man who pipes up and says, “Hey! There’s another way. Just follow my lead!”

When I enter in an address, google maps gives me the low down of how long it will take and all the steps involved for taking a car or public transportation. This is the easy way. The basic way to travel.

And then there’s this guy.

No matter the distance, that guys grabs his hiking stick, throws on a backpack, and is ready to go. It doesn’t matter if the hike will take 2 hours or 7 days, he is always there to present the bold and sassy option to go á la pied.

I used to snort derisively at his unrealistic suggestions, but now his plucky little spirit makes me blink back tears.

Thank you, sir – for showing the way. For suggesting the impossible. For always being ready for a challenge. For your saucy indifference to hardship.

May we all inherit even a smidge of your spunk.

Namaste.

An immodest proposal for the reinstatement of arranged marriages

I don’t know why so many people pretend like having a dynamo dating life is living the dream. Oh yes, it is an utter delight to either get your heart broken, break someone else’s heart, or both.

“Poppycock!” – Dr. Galloswag

But dating sucks because we moderns have made it suck. Our past few generations have an undue obsession with relationships and romance. I mean, smart, good lookin’, healthy, goodhearted, financially stable people feel legitimately bad – like, they don’t even enjoy their life – simply because they’re single. And one of the main reasons they are single is *not* because there is no one available. It’s because, with each of the 1,482 different people they met through HarmoniousBagelMatch in the past month, “we didn’t have a romantic connection,” or “our Myers-Briggs types were incompatible,” or “she had man hands.”

In the olden days, they didn’t have time to worry about this nonsense. They were fleeing angry ostriches or trying to resist eating their own toes during the winter. I doubt pre-modern women often looked over at pre-modern Jo-Jo and thought, “I don’t know, he just doesn’t make me laugh.”

Right now we’ve become way too picky because we have too many options. We now rule people out for having unseemly arm hair because— we can. There’s this itch in the back of our heads – “I can do better.”

When you have this many options, you’re bound to 1) take forever to choose 2) be certain you *could* have made a better choice, no matter what you choose (pixabay image)

But what does that mean, exactly – to “do better?” Have we really reduced personal relationships to a game of ego, where we’re all trying to outsmart the system and snag someone who is just a tad out of our league?

This is why we need to return to arranged marriages. It doesn’t have to be quite as parentally-subservient as it was in the past. Each person should construct a 4-6 person “Matrimonial Selection Committee,” between the ages of 18 and 25. Within one year of selecting the MSC, they need to present to the committee their non-negotiables (e.g. “loves Tim Keller) and perhaps a few special preferences (e.g. “uses emojis liberally”). The MSC will then take this information and undergo a 6-12 month search for a suitable mate. At the end of said search, they will present the person with their choice. The person can say yes, or be single for the rest of their life. Simple.

Look, this may seem overly cut-and-dry, but it’s really not. As Lewis Smedes and Tim Keller argue – the promising and commitment is what gives us the security and freedom to truly invest in each other and love without fear of abandonment (in TK’s The Meaning of Marriage). So I’m pretty sure that if we just made a commitment to almost anyone with the same general values (or faith, if you have one), we would flourish like a well-watered begonia.

begonia-2386043_960_720 — Picky singles, this could be you. (pixabay image)

Arranged marriages, FTW!

5 techniques to ensure victory in all your online debates

All the intellectual elites know that the interwebs are for destroying everyone who disagrees with you. This comes naturally to people like me who possess superior intelligence and unmatched wit. However, if you’re an averagé civilian, use the following techniques to ensure you are victorious each and every time you debate online.

You may believe that the interwebs are for connecting with old friends, keeping up with your out-of-town family members, or something else equally ridiculous. If so, you are a naïve fool. All the intellectual elites know that the interwebs are for destroying everyone who disagrees with you. This comes naturally to people like me who possess superior intelligence and unmatched wit. However, if you’re an averagé civilian, use the following techniques to ensure you are victorious each and every time you debate online.

1) Use your grammar gun and spelling sword

The first rule of online arguments is that the first person to make a typo loses. The content is irrelevant – if they used “there” instead of “their,” it’s over. Just say, “You mean ‘their’? Lolz, you’re an uneducated buffoon.” BOOM, you win!

2) Abruptly become too mature and busy for the argument

It’s very important you don’t let your opponent get the upper hand. If they start sounding pretty smart and convincing, spontaneously evolve into a mature, working person who does not have time for this nonsense. Make a witty remark about how they must not have a job and exit the conversation with a beautifully crafted spirit of condescension.

3) Name-call them into submission

Poop_Emoji — If short on time, you can always just leave this poop emoji instead of spelling out “poophead”

A timeless online debate technique is to reach deep to your middle school roots and start calling your opponent names. “Libtard” is a great go-to if you’re a conservative arguing with a liberal, and “Ignorant fascist” is an all-purpose name for most conservatives. If it isn’t political, you can never go wrong with “poophead.”

4) Use links and memes instead of your own words

Don’t get suckered into spending a lot of time formulating intelligent arguments. I highly recommend posting links to multiple, lengthy articles in response to your opponents comments. This is brilliant because it makes you look like you are backed by legit data. Plus, there’s a 99% chance no one will actually read the links. Seriously, I once cowed an opponent into silence by rapidly posting 5 links to recipes for different variations of whoopie pies. Memes are also particularly useful. I mean, who can argue against the condescending Willy Wonka?

5) Flood them with a tsunami of words

If all else fails, just make all your comments exceed 1,200 words. The key is to basically drown your opponent with a flood of words that even the most patient of interweb users could never bear to read through and make sense of what you’re saying. This way, no matter how they reply, you can just say “Did you even read my response?” to which they will have to honestly say “no.” And there you go – victory!

There you go! Go get ‘em, little tiger!

DON’T YOU DARE READ THIS WITHOUT LIKING, COMMENTING, OR SHARING, YOU POOPHEAD!!

Wanted: Social Media Husband

A recent survey* of single females between the ages of 21-40 uncovered an interesting trend: one of the top reasons that women want to get married, second only to “I need someone to open this jar of pickles,” is to amp up their social media game. “I feel like it’s more acceptable to constantly post pictures of yourself when someone else is in them, and it’s under the guise of praising your spouse,” a survey participant explained. But I think we’d all agree that it’s a little crass to get married for real for the sole purpose of jazzing your social media presence. But I’ve never been one to think inside the box, and I’m deeply sensitive to the needs of the single sisterhood. Therefore, I have crafted a handy template for single women everywhere to advertise for Social Media Husbands. Please feel free to use and adapt as necessary – this is my free gift to you!

free image from pixabay.com. Please don’t ask why this wanted sign looks like Captain America’s shield. *sigh* #poorbloggerstruggles

WANTED: Male between the ages of 25-35 to serve as Facebook husband. Minimum 5 year commitment, or until procurement of real husband .

Duties and tasks

Must be willing to change profile status to ‘married’

Minimum picture requirements

Couple shots for
- Valentine’s Day
- Easter
- Independence Day
- Halloween
- Thanksgiving
- Christmas
- Wedding Anniversary
- First-date Anniversary
- First-time-we-met Anniversary
- Every time we eat a meal together

1 “just cause” photo shoot with matching white polos and khakis 1x/year
Inappropriately intimate pic of female sleeping 2x/year
Silly Snapchat face swap 2x/month
Candid shot of female with accompanying flattery and praise 2x/week
Must understand importance of filters that make female look better

Minimum posting requirements

Effusive post praising the sacrificial, ultra-spiritual heart of female 3x/week
React positively to every post of female
Like every one of female’s comments on other users’ posts
Support female in social media battles

Physical requirements

Skin tone needs to complement female’s
Height needs to exceed height of female when wearing 4″ heels
Weight needs to be 30-60 lbs over female’s weight
Eyes need to shine with goodness and humility
Attractiveness needs to be above average, but not so attractive that female seems less attractive by comparison

Please submit applications via direct message. Only applications that include 1) head shot 2) cover letter 3) instagram portfolio will be considered.

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

* Galloswag, 2017, personal imagination.

Fight aggressive activism with passive aggression!

As many others have said better than I have, fb has become near intolerable. We’ve been rolling our eyes at exhibitionists* and passive-aggressive posts for years, but throughout the 2016 election and – good Lort, especially after Trump’s inauguration – my fb feed has been inundated with self-righteous-apocalyptic-hyperactivism posts. I’ve already talked about dismounting the activism high horse myself, but I think now it’s time to take back our beloved fb feed by force.**

How do you fight against obnoxiously aggressive activism? By being obnoxiously passive aggressive, of course. Therefore, I have made reaction gifs that should fit each and every post. Because let’s be real, most people just want to impress people that they are modern, concerned peoples. So let’s give them what they want, as obnoxiously as possible. Instead of commenting, just post these gifs for each type of post.

1) For those “I’m going to write a 5 page essay to show you how right I am about this” posts

2) For those “All white people / males / straight people etc. etc. should just all go kill themselves and feel super guilty” posts

3) For those “Let’s all get depressed about some horrible social issue” posts

4) For those “I will rise above you dirty scumbags” posts

5) For all other self-righteous-apolcalyptic-hyperactivism posts, otherwise unspecified

I realize this is coming across as a bit snarky. Well, my feed has induced this snark. I don’t doubt that some of my friends truly care about these issues… but I don’t care that they care. Please post a pic of your cat. Thx.***

If THIS post has inspired YOU, please send me more suggestions! Let’s start a massive conglomeration of passive-aggressiveness.

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*Fancy term for “people who post too many pictures of themselves and think that we care what they ate for dinner every night.” I am a perfect example of this.

**I really do take life and issues seriously. But I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – there is no worse place to discuss politics than on fb. Dr. Galloswag sez, “Discussing politics online shrivels every dendrite in our brains.” I have truly developed a deep dislike for so many of my “friends” now because of their SRAH posts. But I’m not advocating for a lack of action per se – I’m advocating against broadcasting every action you take. You go and change the world, little tiger. If you actually do something important, trust me, the world will recognize you.

***I have a feeling I will regret this post later. But rn, Claire Bear Don’t Care. All this endless barrage of profound outrage has induced profound apathy in yours truly.

https://www.facebook.com/plugins/post.php?href=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fgalloblog%2Fposts%2F1873464272930894&width=500

Chronic smoker grateful for support of Alternative Health Community

ATLANTA- Local resident Hank Womack has been smoking for the past 29 years. At first, he was suffocated by a judgmental community of “health experts” and anti-health family members who constantly tried to shove their own views on air quality and lung function down his throat. “They could see how much I got a kick out of smoking, but still they wanted to take it away from me. Probably because they are scared and don’t really understand cigarettes or lung function,” Hank confided in me. “I mean, at first I tried to quit. But it was mighty hard to impossible. If quitting is that hard, then continuing has to be good for me… This is who I am- Hank the Smoker.”

Hank continued to explain that he grew up in a family that was brainwashed by Western medicine, and were completely closed minded to alternative views on smoking. His family, in the name of health, would subject him to odious lectures on cigarette toxicity, even going so far as to suggest he end friendships with other habitual smokers. So when Hank was about 32 years old, he cut family ties and found an alternative health community that recognized inhaling tar in your lungs as a legitimate form of breathing. “They welcomed me with open arms.. made me feel comfortable,” Hank wheezed.

This small but dedicated alternative health community reanalyzed and reinterpreted decades of research on smoking, and a panel of chronic smokers concluded that the findings of these studies were being inappropriately applied to smokers. One of their major conclusions is that most studies were done on the harmful effects of smoking Salem cigarettes in night clubs, whereas most smokers now enjoy Marlboros in parks with their families. “This is a radically different context than the context of these landmark studies. Therefore, we reject the general consensus of the medical community that cigarettes are harmful for health,” they issued in an official statement.

Hank added his own logic, “I feel so good when I smoke.. how can anything that makes me feel this good not be good for me?” He paused for a brief fit of coughing, which ended with him hacking blood into a napkin. “Nothing would be more anti-health than taking these away from me,” he finally rasped. This is in line with his alternative health community’s tag line “Healthy is What Makes You Happy.”

Hank plans to dedicate the rest of life freeing other smokers from the dogma of the mainstream medical community.