humor – Page 2 – galloblog

Are Trey Kennedy and John Crist related? An expert weighs in

A big question that seems to be tumbling around in the minds of many Christian comedy fangirls is – Are Trey Kennedy and John Crist related?

This is a great question that deserves careful consideration.

My first pass at this question was to analyze the last names of the two persons in question. John Crist’s last name seems to be “Crist,” whereas Trey Kennedy’s last name seems to be “Kennedy.” Obviously, the best way to analyze the similarity between these two is to use the Levenshtein distance, which according to the Wikipedia is “a string metric for measuring the difference between two sequences.”

According to the Levenshtein distance provided by the unquestionably reputable planetcalc.org, Crist and Kennedy have a pretty high distance. If my grasp of the Levenshtein distance is correct, this means they probably do not have the same last name. Hmm.

Okay, well what about the origin of their names? To answer this question, I judiciously chose to trust the findings from the first website that Bing’s search engine gave me.

Okay, so the original Crists probably hailed from Austria. Let’s see about the Kennedys.

Scotland! By jove, that’s not the same country as Austria whatsoever. But maybe they are close?

Ohhhhh me! Oh my! I’m afraid they are not. Even though they are both in Europe, it looks like a stroll from Austria to Scotland would take 323 hours! And that’s no traffic and assuming the brave traveler was an excellent swimmer.

Okay, so far this is not looking promising. But surely there are other ways to tell if John Crist and Trey Kennedy are related. Let’s look at their facial similarity match.

55%… that doesn’t seem high at all. In fact, John Crist shares much more similarity with this amazingly gorgeous, completely random woman who I’ve never seen in my entire life!

Alright then, but sometimes siblings don’t look exactly alike, and maybe one of them changed their name to be more fame-friendly. So let’s see — relatives usually grow up around each other. So where did these fellas grow up?

John Crist’s official bio says he grew up in the deep south.

A random internet site says Trey Kennedy grew up in Oklahoma.

But wait, sometimes Oklahoma is considered part of the south — so maybe we’re onto something! But wait a minute… The interwebz tell us the deep south is defined as —-

Another strike out.

Alright everyone, so according to my expert-level, exhaustive analyses, it would seem that John Crist and Trey Kennedy …

Do not share the same last name
Have different family origins
Do not have similar faces
Did not grow up in the same area of the country.

Based on the facts listed above, I would like to tentatively conclude that they might be related.

Please weigh in if you have any more analysis ideers!

xoxoxoxo

According to Facebook, women are grossy-gross

I used to completely ignore all advertisements, until targeted ads became a thing. Now I’m not seeing an ad because of random chance, but because some marketing algorithm (or nefarious robot??) specifically targeted me ..because of my own browser activities, stated interests, etc.

Being the natural narcissist that I am, the new targeting strategies have made me intrigued in the ads that are selected for me. I thought it would be funsies to try to figure out what sort of niche marketing demographic I’m in – thinking they profiled me as Hip-but-No-Nonsense-Overeducated-but-Whimsical-Millennial —- but also kind of hoping they would profile me as Skilled-Assassin-with-Heart-of-Gold-and-Exquisite-Taste-in-Whiskey. But! Once I began looking into my ads — I mean realllly looking into them — I was crushed. Social media sites don’t think I’m hip or whimsical, or a badarse criminal… social media apparently thinks I’m a desperate old-maid with several, ehh.. womanly problems. 😥

For example —

There is of course the ever present, ever mocking – WE KNOW YOU’RE SINGLE, JUST GET MARRIED TO A BIBLE BARRY ALREADY!!!

Ouchhhhh on Instagram, no less! Where I post all my pictures… somehow a robot has determined I’m high risk for fat rolls. WOW

You don’t know me, Facebook! Get out of my ovaries!

Even my poor lil pony isn’t safe! Geeezzzzzz

This one I took extremely personally. Sweat is healthy and detoxifying, you jerks!!

To add insult to injury, now Facebook just assumes that I’m growing a full beard

So even when I’m just trying to check up on my friends, get a few lolz for the day.. I’m told that I 1) need a man pronto 2) need to reign in my flab 3) have disgusting periods; probably due to chronic illness 4) have a lame pony game 5) have socially unacceptable pit stains 6) am turning into wolf-man.

This is just in one log-in!! And people wonder why women are so “obsessed” with our looks.. maybe because everyday we are bombarded by images telling us how disgusting we are.

Oh, but don’t forget women — love yourself and be confident!

7 things you should never say to a friend getting over a break-up

People go through break-ups. Some break-ups are dramatic, others are just kind of awkward, but they all suck. Sometimes the suckiness is assuaged by the bright company and uplifting words of a friend. Sometimes the suckiness is exacerbated by the oppressive company and joy-sucking words of a … friend?

Yes! Many times well-meaning friends are the ones that make the getting-over-them process all the more torturous.

Here are seven things you may find yourself saying to friends after a break-up that are guaranteed to pick at their heart sores and help the bad feels fester.

1. “Just saw [exes name] at Applebee’s.”

No one needs their riveting documentary on organic kumquat farming* interrupted by a text from you telling them about an ex sighting. Did the ex look good? That will make your friend feel foolish for still having residual sadness. Did the ex look bad? That will make your friend feel guilty and consider reaching out, which we all know would be disastrous. There’s just no purpose in it. Put down your phone and stop creepin!

2. “I’m surprised you stayed with them for as long as you did.”

This sort of statement just tells your friend you think they were a desperate loser. Your friend is already mourning the time lost on romanticals with their ex, and you’re just rubbing salt on the wound.

3. Have you thought about taking a break from dating?”

If your friend is one of those people who plunged into their first long term relationship in 3rd grade and still hasn’t come up for air, maybe this would be a legit question. Keep in mind that for many people, being in a relationship is the exception to the single-as-a-dollar-bill rule. So suggesting they take an official break from something they just timidly forayed into is silly and unwarranted.

4. “I never thought they were good for you.”

This is like telling your friend “I knew you would be hurt all along. I know better than you. Told ya so!” Too little too late!

5. “You are probably sad because you guys were a great fit.”

Thanks, Captain Obvs! Does your friend need to remember all the reasons they are missing the ex boo? They are now going to sob themselves to sleep thinking about how they’ll never find someone else with so much life-mate potential.

6. “Have you considered online dating?”

If your friend was born after 1958, chances are they have considered online dating. But that’s not really the point anyway. A grieving friend does not need your pedanticism or problem solving, they need someone to listen for a while, give them a hug and say “that sucks, I’m sorry,” and then hand them a puppy.

7. “If you think this is bad, just wait until you experience a break up after 30!”

What’s worse than complain-bragging? Grief bragging! Which is in actuality grief dismissal. As I told someone once, “Knowing there’s a broken leg out there doesn’t make my stubbed toe hurt less.”

Which friend are you – an uplifting bright sunbeam or oppressive joy-sucking drizzle ? Study these seven, examine yourself, repent, and walk toward the light!

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*everyone grieves differently!

John Crist v. Trey Kennedy: A fangirl’s guide

If you’re a single Christian lady who likes to lolz, you’re probably pretty confused about which single Christian celebrity is your true Boaz. On one hand you have John Crist – witty, insightful, creative, but on the other hand there is Trey Kennedy – goofy, youthful, dashing.

Lucky for you all, I have spent minutes carefully comparing the two, side by side, and have included the results from my in-depth analysis below. But before we get started, let me clear up a few questions that keep popping up on my search engine hits —

Q. Are John Crist and Trey Kennedy related?

A. In the family of God, yes! IRL, no.

Q. Are John Crist and Trey Kennedy gay?

A. No, that doesn’t seem to be the case. But it seems that both use effeminate mannerisms as part of their comedy. Or maybe they’re both a little effeminate.. As the Gallomajer used to say, “It’s hard to tell, not knowing.’

Okay! Let’s move on to the ratings.

Lolz Factor

Both are hilarious, but in very different ways. John Crist’s humor is more sarcastic, witty, satirical. Example –

Trey Kennedy’s humor is a bit more goofy and obvious. Example –

I will admit sometimes Trey Kennedy’s Instagram stories are a tad too “extra” for me. Also John Crist’s actual career is all comedy based, whereas Trey Kennedy’s also includes music.

So, by a photo-finish, I say the Lolz Factor is in John Crist’s favor!

Chrishometer

Which one of these men will serve as the perfect spiritual guide for you and your family? Oo! This is a tough one. John Crist’s comedy is almost entirely based on poking fun at Christianity, but from an insider’s perspective – he’s laughing with us, not at us. Many of Trey Kennedy’s instastories and youtube videos are about goofy dads and singers… BUT he does have John 3:30 listed in his insta bio… What is John 3:30 … lessee … *flips through well-worn, super high lighted bible* aha! “He must become greater, I must become less.” Whoa, Trey. Nice. In contrast, John Crist has no scripture references in his bio! In fact, he quotes a song from the secular music band, Nickelback! Tsk tsk tsk. That seals it – Kennedy is a little more chrish than Crist!

Youthiness

This is pretty simple – John Crist is in his mid-30s, Trey Kennedy is in his mid-20s. If you want a man who will be able to play with your 6 homeschooled kids in the backyard for years to come.. once again, I think Trey Kennedy may be your man!

Dolla dolla bills

Oh I know you’re not shallow, but you do wonder – will they be able to clad their beloved in purple linen? Well, it’s very difficult to tell. When I googled their net worth, I got these suspicious results —

Under review? Pending?? Hmmm… well, let’s see if we can come up with something.. John Crist has a regular comedy tours, and the last time I bought a ticket it was pretty pricey – $30 a pop – for a show at a Baptist church no less! When I googled “Trey Kennedy music tours” I didn’t find nuffin! And although Trey Kennedy has 2x more Instagram followers than John Crist, John Crist nudges ahead in Facebook followers and destroys him in YouTube subscriptions. Thus, John Crist is probably your best bet for a home flowing with milk and honey.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Fashion faux pas

The fashion choices of both of these men will inevitably be a thorn in the side of their future wives. Trey Kennedy’s windsuits are tragic, but John Crist’s abominable white belt and croc obsession are truly Gosh-awful. This is also a close call, but I think Trey Kennedy comes out the winner on this one!

Wow.. it looks like Trey Kennedy wins 3/5! Maybe he should be the one to set your cap for, ladies! Get to stalking and let me know how it goes!

❤ – Cgallo

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

John Crist or Trey Kennedy — if either of you ever read this, know that I love you both and this post was written more to poke fun of single Christian women than either of you!

Overcoming invitaphobia

Do you enjoy social events, but rely on the invitations of others?

Do you find yourself longing for weekend pals, but tremble at the idea of inviting people to join your activities?

Has your popularity plunged once you became an adult because a large educational institution was no longer forcing you to interact with your peers?

If you answered yes to at least two of these questions, you may suffer from invitaphobia.

If you do suffer from invitaphobia, do not panic. I am here to help you walk through the process of extending a warm invitation to all those friends you’re not sure are your real friends because you never hang out with them.

Decide you want to do something
- This doesn’t need to be elaborate – no need to get wild and decide you want a party. That is quite advanced and unsafe for anyone suffering from invitaphobia. Start small. Let’s just say your hungry, so you decide to eat.
Pick up your phone
- If this seems taxing, Denise Austin will walk you through an invigorating arm work out to make sure your arm movement is loose and graceful as you reach for your phone and bring it to your face.
Scroll through your contacts until you see a name that does not make you want to vomit.
- If there is literally no one in your contacts that meets this criteria, take a nap, watch a Parks and Rec episode, eat 2.75 spoons of peanut butter straight up, and then try again.
Select the “message” option under their contact information. Please see the picture below for details.
Construct your invite message
- You can use this simple formula : Hey ___(contact’s name, or preferred nickname)___ ! I’m planning to ___(desired activity determined on step 1)___ at ___(specific location)___, around ___(provide general time range)___. Want to join?
Press “Send”

If this seems overwhelming, I have broken it down into baby steps. Today, all you have to do is read this post and share it with everyone you know. Tomorrow, read it aloud to your houseplants. The day after that, just try step one. Then each day after that, try adding one step at a time, until you make it all the way to step 6. If a given person doesn’t respond in a timely manner or can’t come, repeat steps 1-6 with another non-vomity person.

Please send me your success stories so I can post them and form a safe circle of encouragement!

Stuffz Gallo Likes: Kroger Woohoo! Deals

You are shuffling through the grocery store. Bodies surround you. You suspect these bodies must have faces with eyes, eyes that are human, but you don’t care to look. At every turn, you are confronted with an abundance of meaningless choices, choices born of oppressive capitalism. Marketing ploys are yanking at your focus, doing everything possible to seduce you into whimsical purchases. Shriveling cabbage is being sold for a gut-wrenching price.

Darkness.

Then, into that darkness, a peppy flash of yellow catches your eye. Your heart leaps and you find yourself pulled to the yellow before your consciousness has had time to process.

As you come closer, your tender bud of hope blooms into a mature bloom of joy –

It’s a Wohoo! Kroger deal!!!

Like that – the bodies become friends, the choices become simple, the marketing becomes silly, the cabbage is $0.79.

Light.

What makes you “woohoo!”?

Excuse generator tool for all your flake needs

We’ve all been there: one day you’re feeling foolishly extroverted and accept a social invitation for an event that will occur a few days later. Then the day comes, and you would literally rather give Bernie Sanders a sponge bath than actually come to this god-awful social event.

You then spend the next 87 minutes trying to construct a believably yet justifiably-sincere excuse to send to the insensitive invitee to get yourself off the hook.

Why waste your time and mental energy when Galloblog has already done all the work for you? Below is a super flexible, broadly-generalizable tool for generating excuses to any and all social events that you want to get out of. Please use liberally and send me your success stories!

5 ways to push your coworkers over the edge— that you can try today!

Coworkers: can’t work with them, can’t work without them, amiright?? If you have some little grudgies against one or more of your coworkers, you may be looking for satisfying ways to vent your frustration without getting into a face-to-face kerfuffle that will get you fired.

1. Make sure your personal odor permeates the office

That’s right, go ahead — just 12 more spritzes

Whether it be a cloying perfume, a complete lack of deodorant, or overpowering essential oils, make sure that your coworkers know that you’re in the building by smell alone.

2. Randomly go on refrigerator cleaning sprees and throw away all your coworkers’ food

This is one of my personal favorites. Be sure to not put up signs to warn anyone that you plan to clean — just go for it. Don’t bother yourself with expiration dates, or think about the fact that someone might have their $15 lunch in there that’s only a few hours old — just clear the whole dang thing out, sit back, and watch your coworkers explode with anger.

3. Have loud phone conversations in shared spaces

Why would you excuse yourself for a personal phone call when you can talk about inappropriately personal things and giggle loudly for all coworkers to hear?? It’s also great to make only slightly veiled, personal jabs about your coworkers so that they are pretty sure you’re complaining about them personally as you’re chatting with bae. If you don’t have a bae, I also highly recommend calling up a customer service line and putting your phone on speaker phone as you wait for a representative so the entire office can hear the same prerecorded “Thank you for waiting…” message over and over and over and over and over and OVER AGAIN!!!

4. Dress so provocative that all coworkers, regardless of sexual preferences, are uncomfortable

tobias — Cast your eyes to Tobias for inspiration

You get the picture..cut-off blue jean shorts, belly shirts, loud colored-bras… anything to make your coworkers stare, and then feel weird about staring.

5. Send “reminders” or scolding emails to the group that are obviously only relevant for one specific person

canaan — Narrator: But only Dr. Galloswag had rats in G27

If you see a problem in your workplace, do not – I repeat, DO NOT! – keep it as contained as possible, and deal with it on an individual basis. Make sure the entire workplace knows about your grievance. ALWAYS involve your supervisor or boss. Deal with everything as passive-aggressively and as pettily as possible. But make sure that everyone knows who it is, even though you never say them by name. For example, if you only have one accountant in your office, send out an email saying “It’s really important for everyone working in accounting to remember to not eat Pringles in the common work area!” [include a picture of a crumbed table, for extra effect]

Alright, I’ve give you the tools — it’s up to each of you to make ’em work for you!

😉

Interwebz Slang Guide

Ladies and gents, and those who refuse to categorize themselves in bigendered terms —

I recently had to explain to someone — only ~3 years my senior! — the definition of dtr. I was embarrassed for them that they had no idea what I was talking about. Then I polled my Instagram followers, and I was again alarmed that as many as 30% of my peers admitted their ignorance of what dtr stood for.. dtr, y’all! If people on INSTAGRAM — the hippest of the hip, the youthest of the youths! — haven’t heard of dtr, my heart quakes for Facebook users, especially those born prior to 1983.

Because I’m kindhearted and like to educate the unhip masses, I decided to throw together a quick and dirty reference sheet for those of you who wander the world in blind, sad ignorance of the meaning 84% of acronyms, terms, abbreviations, etc. that youths are using to communicate.

Stay lit!!! – Dr. Galloswag

Here ya gooooooo* —

Acronymsies

4L – for life (e.g. #glutes4L after leg day is proclaiming your undying commitment to a tight tush!)

my b – my bad

bc – because

brb – be right back

btw / btdubs – by the way

dth – down to hike? ( 😉 )

dtr – define the relationship

ftr – for the record

ftw – for the win

idk – I don’t know

ily – I love you

ikr – I know right

lmk – let me know

omw – on my way

smh – shaking my head

wyd – what you doing

Terms

basic – mainstream ; unoriginal

extra – too much ; trying too hard ; dramatic

Gucci – cool, chill (in a sentence: “I’m so sorry!” “It’s Gucci”

lit – awesome, cool

woke – being aware, usually in context of social justice issues

yeet – exerting effort

Abbreviationz

awks – awkward

cas / caj – casual

cra cra – crazy

deets – details

fo sho – for sure

ru ru – rude

per uje – per usual

thx – thanks

totes / totes mcgoats – totally

Super Chrish

chrish – Christian

ptl – Praise the Lord

tgbtg – to God be the glory

…. Also note that adding unnecessary “os” and “ies” and “z”s is another way to stay wit it. For example: this blog posties is donezos, pplz!

Younguns — please feel free to message me with suggestions!

Olduns — please feel free to print and laminate to keep by your rolodex when you are talking to your offspring on the telephone! 😉

— Editorial Notes —

*I omitted some of the more raunchy slang terms that I know, bc Galloblog is safe for the WHOLE famz! Look ’em up on urban dictionary!

Georgia drivers could be ticketed for even thinking about their phones

By: Rebecca Hale

Updated: Jul 2, 2018 – 1:07 PM

ATLANTA – Even as Georgia drivers are still adjusting to Georgia’s new hand free law, some lawmakers are still not satisfied.

driving — This man could be fined up to $200 if he doesn’t keep his head out of the iCloud.

Daniel Shapper, spokesperson for Heads UP Georgia, explains. “Although HB673 was a step in the right direction, we now want to get to the root of the problem.”

There is a new amendment proposal to HB673 that is gaining traction among public safety advocates. If the proposal passes, Georgia drivers will be penalized for even thinking about their phones, text messages, or even thinking about people who have texted them in the last 48 hours.

“We have to cut the snake off at the head.” – Daniel Shapper, Heads UP Georgia

Proponents of the HB673 amendment hope to utilize cutting edge neuroscience techniques and innovations in bioengineering to install roadside brain scanners that will be able to identify – within 0.2 milliseconds – whether or not a driver is thinking about anything related to their phone with up to 97.3% accuracy. If any phone related brain activity is identified, the driver will receive a $200 ticket in their mailbox within 24 hours.

trafficcam — This ain’t your grandma’s traffic cam, folks.

Many Georgians have bristled at the idea of live brain scans that are paid for with taxpayer dollars. “This is a level of invasiveness that far exceeds the responsibilities of the state as originally outlined by the Georgia constitution,” said state representative Benny Hall (R- district 18). A group of activist mothers who call themselves Mothers Against Driving Scans (MADS) worry that the live brain scans will give their children autism, severe disobedience, and spontaneous diarrhea. Others are apprehensive that this could expand into other areas of public life, so that brain activity related to any illegal activity could be tracked and used for data sharing, or worse, become grounds for arrest. “What if I accidentally remember a scene from the movie Logan, and it’s perceived as excessively violent ideation? It’s a slippery slope,” asserts Patrick Louise, a full time student at Georgia State University. At the time of the interview, Louise was protesting just outside the Georgia capitol grounds, and held a sign that said “Keep Georgia Off Your Mind!”

Shapper and Heads UP Georgia anticipated backlash against the HB673 amendment, but are committed to pushing it through the next legislative session. “If we’re going to keep our neighborhoods safe, we have to cut the snake off at the head,” Shapper says.

One thing is for sure, Georgia drivers better buckle in for a bumpy road of political warfare.