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Single and Dignified: The Valentine’s Day Edition

Being a singleton is a tough gig these days.

Our Moms are furtively creating online dating profiles for us…

pics from our ex’s Cancun weddings are splashing across our FB feed…

our friends have stopped protesting and instead pat our arms sympathetically when we indulge in self-deprecating rants..

andddd we’ve started to wave back encouragingly when randos honk at us.

Indeed, it is difficult, if not impossible, to be Single and Dignified. The Day of Valentine is especially proficient at stripping the dignity from singletons. How should one who flies solo face the barrage of ooey-gooey love-declarations?

Don’t overcompensate. You may be tempted to not just like, but heart all of the social media posts from your couplet friends. You may want to comment “OMG! best couple everrrrr!! #slay.” You may want to post something on your own timeline about how seeing everyone’s couple pic is like a glitter explosion of good feels. Hold the keyboard, Bubbles. You’re going to come across as trying too hard, and these responses will be seen as a valiant but unsuccessful attempt to cover your loneliness.

Don’t be a bitter jerk-face. If you’re a dark soul like myself, you may be tempted to go on a jaded and self-deprecating rant. You may want to troll other people’s pics and leave comments like “OMG! You and Alphonso look great. Almost as great as you and Jo-Jo looked last year.” Or you may be tempted to post a pic of you and your dog, with some statement about how humans can’t be trusted but this little guy has stuck with you through the ages. All of this is unadvisable. Your anger and sarcasm is inappropro, and will probably only result in people pitying you, which will only further enrage you.

Don’t ghost. If you’re very passive, you may be tempted to just avoid all forms of social media. This is not as pathetic as the other options, but it makes you look like a bad sport. Your silence may not be noticed, or people may assume you’re binge-watching rom-coms and crying hysterically, throwing half-eaten chocolate truffles at the screen. Don’t let people’s imaginations wander.

Don’t do Galentine’s Day. Very likely to turn into commiseration and re-hashing of everyone’s last decade of failed relationships.

Don’t get drunk. Expensive. Also, pathetic.

For the love of all human dignity, DO NOT VISIT, CALL, TEXT, EMAIL, FAX, TELEGRAPH, OR SMOKE-SIGNAL YOUR EX.

Do love expansively. A reasonable balance is to re-share a post of your favorite couple, like maybe your parents, and then log-off social media for the rest of the day. Go workout or get a pedicure, and then remember how uninspiring V-Day was even when you were in couplehood. I’ve only been in a relationship one time when ol’ V Day hit, and we went to Longhorn. We chatted about an international trip I was about to embark on. He gave me a card that was uncharacteristically sappy and featured glitter cats, which was puzzling because neither cats nor glitter held a deep meaning for either of us. He didn’t write anything extra in the card, it was simply signed “-Ethan.”* Pretty sure he just grabbed the first pink card he saw. So if you’re feeling morose, just remember that being in a relationship on Valentine’s Day isn’t guaranteed to be all that spectacular anyway. Then call your Grandma or someone who has shown you unconditional love and tell them that you love them. Maybe donate to an organization that actually puts love into action (e.g. International Justice Mission). Maybe contemplate the cross, the greatest act of love in all of history. But don’t over-cheese, don’t be sulky or bitter, don’t hide, and DO NOT CONTACT YOUR EX. Hold your head high, singletons, and love the fact that romantic love is only a very tiny sliver of the love pie.

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent

Fight aggressive activism with passive aggression!

As many others have said better than I have, fb has become near intolerable. We’ve been rolling our eyes at exhibitionists* and passive-aggressive posts for years, but throughout the 2016 election and – good Lort, especially after Trump’s inauguration – my fb feed has been inundated with self-righteous-apocalyptic-hyperactivism posts. I’ve already talked about dismounting the activism high horse myself, but I think now it’s time to take back our beloved fb feed by force.**

How do you fight against obnoxiously aggressive activism? By being obnoxiously passive aggressive, of course. Therefore, I have made reaction gifs that should fit each and every post. Because let’s be real, most people just want to impress people that they are modern, concerned peoples. So let’s give them what they want, as obnoxiously as possible. Instead of commenting, just post these gifs for each type of post.

1) For those “I’m going to write a 5 page essay to show you how right I am about this” posts

2) For those “All white people / males / straight people etc. etc. should just all go kill themselves and feel super guilty” posts

3) For those “Let’s all get depressed about some horrible social issue” posts

4) For those “I will rise above you dirty scumbags” posts

5) For all other self-righteous-apolcalyptic-hyperactivism posts, otherwise unspecified

I realize this is coming across as a bit snarky. Well, my feed has induced this snark. I don’t doubt that some of my friends truly care about these issues… but I don’t care that they care. Please post a pic of your cat. Thx.***

If THIS post has inspired YOU, please send me more suggestions! Let’s start a massive conglomeration of passive-aggressiveness.

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*Fancy term for “people who post too many pictures of themselves and think that we care what they ate for dinner every night.” I am a perfect example of this.

**I really do take life and issues seriously. But I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – there is no worse place to discuss politics than on fb. Dr. Galloswag sez, “Discussing politics online shrivels every dendrite in our brains.” I have truly developed a deep dislike for so many of my “friends” now because of their SRAH posts. But I’m not advocating for a lack of action per se – I’m advocating against broadcasting every action you take. You go and change the world, little tiger. If you actually do something important, trust me, the world will recognize you.

***I have a feeling I will regret this post later. But rn, Claire Bear Don’t Care. All this endless barrage of profound outrage has induced profound apathy in yours truly.

https://www.facebook.com/plugins/post.php?href=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fgalloblog%2Fposts%2F1873464272930894&width=500

Chronic smoker grateful for support of Alternative Health Community

ATLANTA- Local resident Hank Womack has been smoking for the past 29 years. At first, he was suffocated by a judgmental community of “health experts” and anti-health family members who constantly tried to shove their own views on air quality and lung function down his throat. “They could see how much I got a kick out of smoking, but still they wanted to take it away from me. Probably because they are scared and don’t really understand cigarettes or lung function,” Hank confided in me. “I mean, at first I tried to quit. But it was mighty hard to impossible. If quitting is that hard, then continuing has to be good for me… This is who I am- Hank the Smoker.”

Hank continued to explain that he grew up in a family that was brainwashed by Western medicine, and were completely closed minded to alternative views on smoking. His family, in the name of health, would subject him to odious lectures on cigarette toxicity, even going so far as to suggest he end friendships with other habitual smokers. So when Hank was about 32 years old, he cut family ties and found an alternative health community that recognized inhaling tar in your lungs as a legitimate form of breathing. “They welcomed me with open arms.. made me feel comfortable,” Hank wheezed.

This small but dedicated alternative health community reanalyzed and reinterpreted decades of research on smoking, and a panel of chronic smokers concluded that the findings of these studies were being inappropriately applied to smokers. One of their major conclusions is that most studies were done on the harmful effects of smoking Salem cigarettes in night clubs, whereas most smokers now enjoy Marlboros in parks with their families. “This is a radically different context than the context of these landmark studies. Therefore, we reject the general consensus of the medical community that cigarettes are harmful for health,” they issued in an official statement.

Hank added his own logic, “I feel so good when I smoke.. how can anything that makes me feel this good not be good for me?” He paused for a brief fit of coughing, which ended with him hacking blood into a napkin. “Nothing would be more anti-health than taking these away from me,” he finally rasped. This is in line with his alternative health community’s tag line “Healthy is What Makes You Happy.”

Hank plans to dedicate the rest of life freeing other smokers from the dogma of the mainstream medical community.

Men aren’t marrying these days because women are pathetic.

EDITOR NOTE, 02/22/2018 6:51 PM EST: Attention woman-haters —- this post was written satirically. If you are riding the female-bashing train, note that sharing this post because you agree with the title 1) proves that you did not actually read &/or comprehend this post for it’s original purpose and 2) boosts the hits for a blog managed by a single woman who normally writes about her own weird love-life, Christianity, or rando stuff that makes her cackle. SO if you are all about spewing vitriol about women, this ain’t the post or the blog for you.

******************************************************************************

It’s no secret that there are so many incredible single men in the world. They’re smart, funny and basically total catches… so where are all the great girls? The real reason so many men are still rolling solo is much simpler: most girls aren’t worth dating.

MEN ARE BECOMING MORE FIT, ACCOMPLISHED AND INDEPENDENT WHILE GIRLS ARE LETTING THEMSELVES GO. Men have so much to offer a potential partner and the world at large — they’re strong, ambitious and totally self-sufficient. Meanwhile, girls seem to have thrown femininity and true beauty out the window and assume they can get away with the bare minimum. No thanks — they can take that laziness elsewhere.

THEY WON’T PUT UP WITH BULLCRAP. Sure, men could have a relationship if they were willing to look the other way when manipulative liars and skanks pull their crap with them, but why should they? They’ve seen all the same crap and heard all the same excuses time and time again and they respect themselves too much to accept them for the sake of being in a relationship. They’d much rather be on our own.

THEIR STANDARDS ARE HIGH AND THEY’LL STAY THAT WAY. Since men know their worth, they won’t accept anything less than what they deserve from girls. Girls need to be on their level in every sense of the word and if they’re not prepared to do that, men aren’t prepared to date them.

GIRLS THINK THEIR OPTIONS ARE ENDLESS, BUT MEN WON’T SETTLE FOR SECOND BEST. Part of the problem with modern dating is that girls think all it takes to move on to the next man is a quick right swipe on their phone screens. Ghosting and benching are par for the course, but if men so much as get a glimpse of bitchy tendencies, they’re out of there before she can open Tinder.

MEN’S LIVES ARE ALREADY FULL — IF A GIRL CAN’T ADD TO IT, SHE’S NOT WORTH MAKING ROOM FOR. Men have got busy careers, amazing friends, loving families and passions to pursue. Their schedules are booked solid. That means if they’re making room for a girl, she’d better bring something new and worthwhile to the table. If she’s just looking to get her dinner paid for or wants to “hang out” until she figures out what she wants to do with her life, she can go elsewhere.

MANY MEN JUST AREN’T LOOKING FOR WIVES ANYMORE. That doesn’t mean all of men are averse to eventually getting married, but men don’t wake up every day wondering if it’ll be the day that their Pretty Princess comes to melt their heart. Men don’t need to wait for a woman to walk down the aisle to feel as though they’ve reached the pinnacle of manhood — it’s not the 195os anymore and men are as committed to their own happiness and excellence as they could ever be to a girl.

THEY’RE BECOMING THEIR OWN WIVES. Thanks to the breakdown of gender norms and the ability of men not only to keep their house affairs in order but to excel in tasks like cooking, men are now able to provide themselves all the benefits wives used to provide them. Men don’t need a girl to cook for them or clean their house — they’ve got that locked down already. Men don’t even need a wife for kids; if they really want to become fathers, there are ways to achieve that without having to tie the knot with someone they’ll just end up divorcing a few years later.

TOO MANY GIRLS ARE INTIMIDATED BY STRONG MEN. Men are not going to weaken themselves or play off our goals and accomplishments as no big deal when they’ve worked their butts off to get where they are. Too many girls can’t handle being with a man who won’t let her control everything. Men demand the best in every area of their lives and certainly won’t put up with little girls who either feel threatened by masculinity or feel the need to try and tear them down to assuage their own egos.

So what’s a man to do? Honestly, not much other than to just keep doing you unless someone worthwhile comes along and makes you want to be in a long, committed relationship or get married.

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

Ladies: Did this post annoy/upset you? Did it come across as super condescending and insulting? Good. Because it was almost a word-for-word copy of a self-congratulatory article I found that was originally written by a woman for women that is tragically representative of many articles I’ve read on women/singlehood. I just switched the pronouns to jar us out of our delusional sneering. We have got to stop talking about ourselves like we’re Xena Warrior Princess and all the men around us are Napoleon Dynamite. You can celebrate femininity and have standards without tearing men down! Dr. Galloswag sez, “This vitriolic shoot ain’t helpin’ nobody.” Now dismount your princess carriage and go hug a man you respect.

The 6 Rules of Textiquette

img_20170123_211704 — ^an ideal text exchange (see #6)

As much as it grieves me, probably 90% of my communication with humans* is done over texting. (Everyone knows that phone calls are only for official biz, your ‘rents, and bae.) This exposure has given me astounding insights into the art, science, law, and public health of texting. In fact, very recently a PhD declared me to be a texting expert. Altruistically, I have chosen to share Galloswag’s Rules of Textiquette so that you can reach your full texting potential.

1) Respond in a timely manner to text messages that are clearly not ending the conversation.

It’s easier to say what actually IS appropriate to not respond to.

OK.

Lol.

Goodnight.

Thanks!

🙂

…You get the idea. If this is too ambiguous for you, I have also been trying to implement the old telegraph system where we just say “STOP” when we’re done. (e.g. OKAY SEE YOU THEN STOP)

2) One should not conversate with themselves.

On the flip side- especially if it’s during a work day – it’s a bit over-the-top to send someone upward of 3 text messages when they haven’t responded to your first. There have been times I’ve checked my phone and have 7 texts from the same person who has been chatting to themselves for the past 3 hrs on my data plan. I’m like, “Um, sorry to interrupt.. would you like me to leave?” Calm it down, Texty Tammy!

3) Do not send pictures of yourself unless it is for humor or please-tell-me-I-look-awesome-before-I-go-on-this-date purposes (and even then, do so sparingly).

I won’t waste time diving into the psychology of selfies and their pervasive use in social media – indeed, yours truly has been guilty of selfie-ing. But showcasing your on-fleek brows for Instagram is different than sending it to one person. This is especially a no-no if you don’t know the person overly well. I get wildly uncomfortable if ppl send me a pic of themselves for no reason. I think “ehhh do they want a pic of me? Why? I look terrible today, but sending an old pic seems inauthentic. Do I say ‘looking good?’ ‘thanks’ ‘:)’??? Is this a gateway pic to nudies?!?!?!” It’s very stressful. Don’t do it.

4) Use the ‘scroll up’ feature.

This is an exciting texting feature that many don’t know about. You can actually access your old texts by scrolling up! So before you text your friend, “what time again?” just use that powerful right thumb and check 3 texts back and you have your answer! 👍

5) Process more than one idea at a time.

An old urban legend that’s been circling around since the early 21 century is that if someone texts you several questions, you have to choose one- and only one- to respond to. I’m here to break the chains of your texlavery – you can actually respond to each and every question that was asked of you! If you are confused about how many answers you should give, here’s a quick #texthack: Count the number of question marks. The number of answers in your response text should equal that number!

6) Use emojis and punctuation.

Listen, smiley’s and punctuation aren’t just for 14 yr old girls ans 74 yr old men, respectively. Text tone is so confusing you know, because we can’t convey tone of voice. Fun fact: in the English language we have these adorbs little symbols that help our writing come to life! Yeah?? See, I bet you could tell I was being sarcastic right then. Magical. 😉 But they’re so important. If I say “Great, see you then!” And you say, “okay,” I imagine you saying that in a deadpan voice with a dull look in your eyes. If you say “okay!” I imagine us jump-fiving through our phones. If you say “okay ;)” I think “Awww snap! They are totes into me.” Truly, it makes all the difference.

If you apply yourself, you can incorporate all of this invaluable textiquette into your texting life. Send me proof of your reformation, and I will send you a signed copy of my newest book that transcribed all of my most successful texting convos. Finally, in the words of the great Dr. Galloswag herself, “Text safe. Text right. Text true. Don’t be ru-ru.”

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*As opposed to my plant communication. Plants talk, y’all. I watched an entire documentary on this. True story.

When “I can’t” means “I don’t wanna.”

19789999 — From knowyourmeme.com. Please don’t sue me, knowyourmeme!

One of the most profound books I’ve read in my adult life, which was later turned into a feature film, is “He’s not that into you.” It sounds depressing, but it was actually pretty liberating. The main point of the book/movie is that men go after what they want. So if he’s not texting, calling, asking you out, ladies, it means that he’s not that into you. Or at least not into you enough. So FIDO.

This post isn’t another ramble about relationships. But the idea that “people do what they want” is a super important point that has helped me through life.

People love telling themselves they can’t. And surely, there are things you truly can’t do. Teleport, for example.* But most of the negs we proclaim about ourselves are within the realms of human possibility. Such as “I can’t do one push-up,” “I could never get an advanced degree,” “There’s no way I could put up with that person,” “I can’t get up that early,” blah blah blah, etc etc etc.

But let’s get for serious**, here. 94.6% of the time you say “I can’t,” what you’re actually saying is “I don’t wanna.” The truth is “I don’t want to spend the time training my body so I can do push-ups,” “I don’t want to spend the time, money, and mental discipline it takes to get an advanced degree,” “I don’t want to inconvenience myself to interact with that person,” “I don’t want to be disciplined in going to bed at a decent hour so that I would feel okay waking up at a certain hour,” blah blah blah etc etc etc.

It doesn’t sound as nice to put it in those terms, because then the responsibility falls back on yourself. You may feel a little guilty, lazy even. GOOD. Feel that discomfort. Maybe when you start distinguishing between your actual human limitations and the limitations you’ve placed around yourself out of laziness and lack of creativity, you’ll begin to focus on wanting good things for yourself instead of avoiding discomfort at all costs.

You do what you want. If you’re not doing it, you don’t want it enough. And that’s okay… sometimes. But just be real. You are not a helpless, passive victim of life circumstances. Your 100% may be someone else’s 24%. Your best may be someone else’s baseline. But if you want it enough, you’ll get it. Now how to have the right wants… Holy Spirit, change our hearts.

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*If you just snorted “speak for yourself!” you need to lay off the video games for a while. Just sayin’.

**Yes, “for serious.” Did I stutter??

The easiest, cheapest, most effective weight loss plan of all time.

smartmag-featured-image-weight-loss-success-stories-lost-over-150-pounds — from shapefit.com. Please don’t sue me, Shapefit!

Welp, it’s another new year. Maybe weight loss goals are becoming cliche, but most people want a magnificent body, even if they can only fantasize about this privately. Yet we all know that weight loss plans can interfere with your daily life, drain your bank account, and force you to sweat in spandex around a bunch of grunting strangers with better bodies than you. Yech.

But that’s no reason to give up. I have dedicated this last 12 minutes of my life to formulate the easiest, cheapest, most effective weight loss plan of all time.

1) Sell all chairs and sofas.

“But where will I sit to watch tv?” You demand angrily. And I say, “Exactly.”

“And how will I sit down to eat?!” You ask in expasperation. And I say, “That’s right.”

“If I can only sit on the floor, my butt will hurt and I’ll keep on standing up and moving my body so I’m not so uncomfortable!” You assert with indignation. And I say, “Bingo.”

2) Only shop at Whole Foods

Oh I know, Whole Foods is a bit of a scam. You can get pretty much all the same stuff in the Kroger healthy food section for ~1/4 of the price. If you shop there, you will probably have to slash your total food intake by 76%. Hmmm….

Let me say it again, If you shop only at Whole Foods, you will probably have to slash your total food intake by 76%.

3) Sell your refrigerator and freezer, too.

You might be worrying, “But where will I store my ice cream, frozen pizzas, and cheese?”

…. I’ll let you figure this one out on your own.

Conclusion: Don’t over complicate your life. Follow these three easy steps, and enjoy the new you!

Let’s be real about real men.

I vainly re-read all my blog posts the other day, and I realized I probably come off as a bit of a man-basher. I want to officially declare that I do not hate or disrespect men. To the contrary, I absolutely adore the men in my life, from the cas friends up to my Pops and brother. It’s actually because I have so many great men in my life that I am so critical of Monsieur Averagé. I have seen what a man can be, and so anything less than that is an abomination.

Speaking of manliness – as promised, I have finally landed on what I personally consider “a real man.” I don’t care if a man hunts, watches football, drinks beer, or has a magnificent beard. None of those are necessary or sufficient to be a real man.

A real man is someone who uses whatever manly powers he has for others. So there are two parts here – a man can’t be a man if he’s omitting his responsibilities, and a man can’t be a man if he’s using his physical strength, social position, economic power – or whatever – to exploit or dominate others. This is why my Dad and brother, although they don’t fulfill many of the male stereotypes, are the two who immediately come to my mind when I think about “real men.” Their manliness is apparent by the happiness and security of their families who they sacrifice and work tirelessly for. As primitive as it sounds – dare I say it? – they provide and protect, out of love. They’re not weak. They use their strength for their families, not against them.

Hurrah to real men!

How to be a snowflake, for realz.

“Snowflake” has become a derogatory term to mock the delicate nature of millennials, but it’s rooted in a desire I think most of us have – to stand apart, to be unique, to not be a lemming. The problem is that globalism, the interwebs, and Applebee’s …

But please don’t shed a tear, my dear. I have three very simple ways – whether you’re male or female* – that you can set yourself apart like the glistening, beautific, feathery ice crystal you always knew you were.

If you’re a man:

Initiate a plan
Actually follow through with said plan
Do this more than one time

You will be a man among men! Women will fall at your feet! You will get a promotion at work! If you already do this, pm me. 😉 😉 😉

If you’re a woman:

Respond to text messages
Actually respect the time of your squad and don’t cancel on them willy-nilly when you and I both know if *he* hit you up you’d be up and at ’em like jumpin jack flash
Be honest with men about your feels or lack thereof and stop ghosting like a selfish little girl

Your social life will EXPLODE! Your number of confusedly spurned stalkers will DWINDLE!

There you go. If you didn’t have a New Year’s resolution already, I just gave you three! And if you’re an overachiever and resent gender dichotomies, I gave you SIX!!!!

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*I unabashedly dichotomize men and women, and I WILL use stereotypes as much as I want!! Get over it. Shoo!

**The quotation marks are indicating you’re LYING! I literally canceled last night because I wasn’t feeling well, but this was legit. LEGIT I TELL YOU!

How to survive the worst weeks of your life (aka the Gallobreak)

Facebook just prompted me to write a post, because apparently my last post was too long ago. Well, never mind that I’m trying to write a frickin’ dissertation. This is so much more important. *eye roll*

Yet,I’m afraid the ol’ Galloswag may be out of commission for a while*, as she writes, eat egregious amounts of greek yogurt, and weeps over each chapter. So here are a few things to do in the meantime –

Facebook just prompted me to write a post, because apparently my last post was too long ago. Well, never mind that I’m trying to write a frickin’ dissertation. This is so much more important. *eye roll*

Yet,I’m afraid the ol’ Galloswag may be out of commission for a while*, as she writes, eats egregious amounts of greek yogurt, and weeps over each chapter. So here are a few things to do in the meantime –

Start a rival blog so we can up each other’s numbers with zingy posts… my dream is for this to culminate in a late night dance-off that we go Facebook live with
Write me a message testifying how much Galloblog has meant to you
Paint with all the colors of the wind to express your pain with my silence
Send me a gift basket of greek yogurt
Pray for me to finish well and find joy in the process!

I shall return, with plenty of nothing to pollute your mind with. *smoochies*

Merci, merci. I ❤ ** you all.

— Editorial Notes —

*I won’t put a date, because I don’t want y’all naggin’ me. I do what I want!!

**I don’t LOVE you all. I heart you all. Big difference. Don’t be weird.

Alsoooo if you read this, don’t be a social media sneak but instead, visit my Facebook page and like/comment/share/print-out-and-laminate below!!