The easiest, cheapest, most effective weight loss plan of all time.

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from shapefit.com. Please don’t sue me, Shapefit!

Welp, it’s another new year. Maybe weight loss goals are becoming cliche, but most people want a magnificent body, even if they can only fantasize about this privately. Yet we all know that weight loss plans can interfere with your daily life, drain your bank account, and force you to sweat in spandex around a bunch of grunting  strangers with better bodies than you. Yech.

But that’s no reason to give up. I have dedicated this last 12 minutes of my life to formulate the easiest, cheapest, most effective weight loss plan of all time.

1) Sell all chairs and sofas. 

“But where will I sit to watch tv?” You demand angrily. And I say, “Exactly.”

“And how will I sit down to eat?!” You ask in expasperation. And I say, “That’s right.”

“If I can only sit on the floor, my butt will hurt and I’ll keep on standing up and moving my body so I’m not so uncomfortable!” You assert with indignation. And I say, “Bingo.”

2) Only shop at Whole Foods 

Oh I know, Whole Foods is a bit of a scam. You can get pretty much all the same stuff in the Kroger healthy food section for ~1/4 of the price. If you shop there, you will probably have to slash your total food intake by 76%. Hmmm….

Let me say it again, If you shop only at Whole Foods, you will probably have to slash your total food intake by 76%.

3) Sell your refrigerator and freezer, too. 

You might be worrying, “But where will I store my ice cream, frozen pizzas, and cheese?”

…. I’ll let you figure this one out on your own.

Conclusion: Don’t over complicate your life. Follow these three easy steps, and enjoy the new you!

7 headlines to watch out for in 2017

Which one do you think will come true?? 1) Massive protest against massive protests sparks massive protest  2) Coconut oil may cure conservatism  3) Chloe Kardashian comes out as necrophilial, blasts social conservatives for being “carbonormative.” 4) ‘Nutella for Guns’ program reduces Detroit homicides by 97% 5) Trump appoints Kanye West as Press Secretary; KKK in crisis … Continue reading “7 headlines to watch out for in 2017”

Which one do you think will come true??

1) Massive protest against massive protests sparks massive protest

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Crowd was heard chanting “HAJABODAGIIIII!!”

 2) Coconut oil may cure conservatism

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Participants who bathed daily in coconut oil showed a 2.7% decrease in ignorance.

 3) Chloe Kardashian comes out as necrophilial, blasts social conservatives for being “carbonormative.”

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“‘Dead’ and ‘alive’ are social constructs.”

4) ‘Nutella for Guns’ program reduces Detroit homicides by 97%

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CDC emergency obesity task-force deployed

5) Trump appoints Kanye West as Press Secretary; KKK in crisis

 

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“Kanye is amazing and this will be a tremendous opportunity that will be terrific. The blacks will love me.” – President Trump

6) Indianan Drug cartel outraged to find traces of pre-workout supplement in meth

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“What kind of country we livin’ in, when a man can’t trust the quality of his crank no more?” – Jo-Jo Bobby Raybanz

7) Author of Galloblog interviewed by Jimmy Fallon on the Tonight Show. 

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😉