How [Chronically] Single Men Sabotage Themselves

Are you male? Are you single? Do you wish you weren’t? Does your mom frequently look at you with sorrow and wonder why women aren’t falling at your feet? Do most of your romantic ventures fizzle out over an awkward series of awkward text messages?

If you answered yes to most of the questions above, it’s likely that you are sabotaging yourself with foolish dating practices.
If you answered yes to most of the questions above, it’s likely that you are sabotaging yourself with foolish dating practices. …

Are you male? Are you single? Do you wish you weren’t? Does your mom frequently look at you with sorrow and wonder why women aren’t falling at your feet? Do most of your romantic ventures fizzle out over a series of awkward text messages?

If you answered yes to most of the questions above, it’s likely that you are sabotaging yourself with foolish dating practices. I have smashed together a few #gallotips for you luckless would-be lovers.

[Please know that I’m actually not trying to be condescending. This is written for the solid guys out there who may not realize that they’re doing stupid crap to make women think that they are lamé.*]

  • You never ask the woman about herself or what she thinks

This past summer I was super excited that one of my really close friends grabbed dinner with a mutual friend who truly is a very kind, smart, good guy. When I nosily asked how it went, I was aghast when I found out that she was severely underwhelmed because the dude talked about himself the entire time. For perspective, this lady is a super smart, gorgeous assistant professor who travels the world for her work. When she’s local, she’s directing really important, ground-breaking research. THERE IS SO MUCH TO TALK TO HER ABOUT. I truly don’t understand – even if you’re not an expert in her field, please at least attempt to understand what she does. Or how/why she got into it. Don’t think that your ignorance about something will make you seem like a jerk-face – the only thing that will make you look like a jerk-face is if you’re unwilling to broach subjects you can’t mansplain.

An extension of this is just asking the lady what she thinks about .. stuff. Whether it be politics, her input on your most recent conspiracy theory, the unstoppable rise of Justin Bieber… whatever. AND – this is important – actually listen to her answers. Don’t spend the time she’s talking to formulate your next brilliant monologue.

  • You are emphasizing all the wrong stuff about yourself

I’m truly not saying this to burst your bubble, but if the lady you are dating is over 18 and doesn’t live in Nowhere, Idaho, chances are that she knows plenty of men who are just as – if not more – intelligent, rich, charming, or attractive than you. Don’t be surprised if she is underwhelmed by your ‘stats’. Before you get huffy and depressed, I’ll let you in on a secret – you can really set yourself apart by having good character. Try not taking 36 hours to respond to her text messages, keeping your word and showing up on time, paying attention to what she likes, plan thoughtful dates, etc. Sometimes men are all-to- eager to brag about their promotion at work, when women (at least, my friends and I) care more about whether we can count on you. When I was 19, a guy I was dating brought me coffee while I was studying. Not just any coffee, but a coffee with a splash of cream and two raw sugars, which is how I took it at the time. Even though this obviously didn’t end up in lifelong bliss, 8 years later I remember it and I still say “Bravo, good sir.” The point is, your character – usually displayed in the consistent, small ways you treat us and live your life – matter more than your 2 advanced degrees, 6 digit salary, six-pack abs, or whatever your point of pride happens to be.

  • You plan dates that do not give you a chance to shine

Some of you are a bit shy or awkward over a dinner date. The idea of making charming conversation for 2 hours over dinner makes you want to pass out or hang yourself. Fine! I say – do something completely different! Do something that lets your sweet unique little personality shine. Think outside the box. One of my friend’s favorite dates was when this guy taught her how to do a J-turn with her classic muscle car. Granted, not exactly my cup of tea – but she loved it. If you’re shy AND don’t have the stereotypical manly-man skills, do something like find a piano somewhere and teach her how to play a simple duet with you. I don’t know! I CAN’T FIX YOUR LIFE! *anyway* If the standard date-scene makes you shrivel up like a sad little kumqat in the desert, then plan something where you can roar with love like the magnificent beast we all know you are.

  • You are creepily romantic too soon

This one may be more specific to yours truly, but I cannot *STAND* it when someone who barely knows me tries to act like he is deeply in love with me. I immediately assume that he is either 1) emotionally unstable 2) trying to manipulate me. Forced, false intimacy is icky. It’s okay to take some time to just enjoy each other’s company without over-romanticizing. You can be warm, open, sweet, and all that great stuff without picking out a song on your ukelele that you wrote for her based off of her.. FB profile. Galloswag says, “Just be cool.”

There you have it. You’re welcome men! You can thank me when YOU’RE MARRIED because this advice was like pure gold poured straight into your mind. Please send me your personal success stories so we can go on Ellen together to promote my new book in press “Just Be Cool: Gallotips on how to not be a jerk-face when you date.”

— Editorial Notes —

* I get the irony. A cozily single 27 year old woman lecturing men about dating. Before you dismiss me and return to your vile daily activities, I’d like to argue that I’m actually far more qualified to comment on this than you’d think. Consider the following, s’il vous plait:

1) Being a sassy old maid, I’ve been on a lot more (bad) dates in current times that someone our age who settled down when they were 21. Sassy old maids also tend to cluster together and share our pathetic, hilarious, sorrowful bad date stories. Thus, I have so much material to coalesce into common themes.

2) I’m giving advice to men, not women. I’ve never been on a date with a woman so I can’t tell you from experience what the big turn offs are. Men, feel free to share your woes with me and I might just be inspired to lecture women on your behalf (As a side note, if I had any rays of insight on the woman side of things I would already be the trophy wife of a rich philanthropist with beautiful guns (both meanings apply) and a personal study that smells like mahogany and is chock-full of Tim Keller books.. and I’d be too busy opening joint checking accounts and making babies to write this darling little blog.)

3) Sad as it may be, my single lady friends and I are just the type of women that are still out there. The techniques your married male friends used to woo their current wives in high school and college ain’t gonna work with slightly jaded, highly-independent workin’ women. Just sayin’.

Dear Writers of Open Letters: Stop being condescending jerk faces

Whenever you think about sharing an open letter — except this one because it’s brilliant — save yourself the self-satisfaction and share a cute cat meme instead.

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Last week as I logged onto Facebook and began to  scroll through my feed, I saw that one of my evolved white friends shared a post that began with the title “Dear White People..” Being of the Caucasian Persuasion, I squeeled with excitement that someone had a special word for my entire race. As I read through it, I was overwhelmed with how this wise college sophomore understands how to resolve race relations… AND was kind enough to jot out a special note for all 250 million white people in the U.S. “Hmm.. DON’T fly the Confederate flag you say? Interesting..” I murmured as I dutifully made notes. Now, I frequently whip them out before I interact with anyone who doesn’t identify as white, and gee have they helped! Since I stopped trying to relate my struggles with being the only female in my city without a hombre and soft curls to my friend’s struggle growing up black in the South, our convos have gone so much more smoothly. Thanks, author of the Dear White People post!

… in case you’re one of those people who is slow to pick up tone from written word, the paragraph above was written in the key of sarcasm. Listen, I get it. It’s frustrating when you have all the answers and know how an entire group- whether it be Christians, Clinton voters, men, BLM activists, millenials, or alpaca groomers- should behave. Kudos to you for figuring it all out. But you may want to consider the fact that no one is going to be won over by a condescending post that is being shared among an echo-chamber of friends who already agree with the content of the letter anyway. Even if you have a diverse group of fb friends, trust the Galloswag – if they haven’t already unfollowed you, they’re still going to ignore or be offended by your post.
Whenever you think about sharing an open letter — except this one because it’s brilliant — save yourself the self-satisfaction and share a cute cat meme instead. Let’s make Facebook great again and go back to poking each other, complaining about work and school, and openly flirting on each other’s walls.
Love,

The Galloswag

The swag of Gallo! (Fashion Guide)

Dressing the Galloswag is a fine, sophisticated, subtle art.

This may come as a surprise to some of you, but I consider myself a bit of a fashionista. What may seem sloppy to the untrained eye is actually the result of careful deliberation. Dressing the Galloswag is a fine, sophisticated, subtle art. Because I am a generous person who is always thinking of ways to benefit society, I have decided to share my fabulous fashion secrets. These three overarching principles put the #swag in my #gallo: Comfy, Consistent, and Comical.

  1. Comfy

 

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Whether it be pants fit for yoga-ing, soft hoodies that are wearable blankies, or shorts that ride the tantalizing edge between gym-wear and sleep-wear, comfy is key (dare I say.. comkey?!). If you’re not sure where to start, I recommend beginning each morning by examining your pj’d self with a loving but critical eye. Then ask yourself “What are the most minor changes I can make so I can go out in public and not get arrested?” Then proceed accordingly. If you find yourself reaching for that button-down blouse, talk yourself off that stiff, uncomfortable cliff! As the wise and wonderful Christina Aguilera said in Season 5 (?) of NBC’s The Voice, “pick your moments.” Save those fancy shirts for future events where you really want to make an impression, like your ex’s wedding.

  1. Consistent

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I simply cannot emphasize this enough: variety in clothing reeks of privilege. Yeah, I said it. Look, some of us are poor. And picky. And hate shopping. When I find a style of clothing that works for me, I buy as many different [solid] colors of that clothing item as I can. That way, people are never quite sure if I’m actually re-wearing the same orange shorts I was wearing yesterday, or if I’m playing with their minds by selecting a softer, genteel peachy-orange. I’ll let you in on a dark secret: sometimes it’s the same thing I was wearing the day before!

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Take note: pit stains are nothing to be ashamed about. They tell a story. A story like, “I have worn this short a lot, and I have sweat in this shirt a lot.” Wow, great story.

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Another way of thinking about consistency is across time. People like predictability- it makes them feel safe. I’m committed to creating and maintaining safe spaces. That is why I [figuratively] stretch my clothing across years. Just browse through my Facebook pictures, and you will see my favorites over, and over, and over again. One of my proudest items of clothing is this marvelous black tank-top, featured above. Making its debut in 2011, this tank top has graced the body of Galloswag for six years straight. Yes, the year numbers were placed strategically, because YOU WILL NOT GET CHEAP THRILLS FROM READING GALLOBLOG!!!

  1. Comical

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What is clothing, really, except to make us lolz? Don’t answer that. This is the third and most important way I express myself through fashion. Halloween socks? Although scurry, they make me giggle. Telling the world I love tacos? Hilair. Elmo shirt – ridiculous, and also silky! Garfield pj’s AND doggy slippers? So absurdly tacky I can’t help but cackle every time I pass a mirror. Life can be bleak, and so many issues need to be taken seriously. Your personal fashion is not one of them. Give it a try!

 

I hope the Triple C’s of fashion was as inspiring to read as it was to write. C’mon folks, let’s all join hands and gather around a new fashion. A fashion for all people: Comfy! Consistent! Comical!

Irks and quirks (#5 is probably genius though)

When it all comes down to it, we’re all a bunch of weirdos.

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When it all comes down to it, we’re all a bunch of weirdos. But everyone thinks that their oddities are especially odd. As a special and unique treat to all 7 of my regular readers, I’m going to share a few irks and quirks of my own. Oh no, please.. please. Don’t paint me as a brave hero. It’s really a win-win for me. If you don’t identify, I will feel like a rare gem of beautiful eccentricity. If you do identify, we can be besties for life.

  1. Wet Tupperware

When I unload the dishwasher, those stupid Glad dishes or whatever that have these horrible droplets of water on them drives me CRAZY! Handling those dishes – attempting to dry them with a damp towel especially – is psychologically torturous to me. One of my goals in life is to have all glass/ceramic dishes. Cuz Ima fancy gurl.

  1. Numbers that can’t be divided by 3

This may be the nerdiest quirk. A long time ago, I learned that if the sum of the individual numbers of a multi-digit number can be divided by 3, then that number can be divided by 3, too. For example, 8079 can be divided by 3 because (8+0+7+9=24), and 24 can be divided by 3. Thus to me, 8079 is a cool kid. But a number like 4691 is lame. When I’m driving I automatically add up the numbers on license plates and mailbox numbers to see if they’re cool. If they’re not cool, then I think about the smallest alterations needed to make them cool. Like stupid 4691 could be promoted to 4692, and voila! my brain is happy again.

  1. Microwave beeps

This is not just at 3a.m. – I hate the stupid, obnoxiously loud and persistent beeps of a microwave. What is that microwave afraid of happening? My food will get cold again? Okay, fine. That’s my problem and then I’ll just re-heat my re-heated food. Nothing is going to catch on fire so please relax, microwave. I take distinct pleasure in stopping the microwaving at 1 sec to prevent its stupid chirping. Aha! I beat you again, self-important kitchen appliance!

  1. Food containers with less than one serving of food in them

They’re horrible. They’re just sitting in there, begging to be eaten so I can throw away that idiotic, empty container. The quickest way to make me obese would be to fill my fridge with containers that all had 80% of a full serving left in them. I would angrily devour them all, out of principle.

  1. Life (sometimes)

Life doesn’t always go the way I want it to. Or, I really want something that isn’t likely to happen. It can be helpful to sit down and write out what I wished had happen or want to happen, in all of its absurdly-unrealistic glory. For example –

…To Claire’s astonishment, Jo-Jo was standing at the door with flowers in his hands. “Claire, I’ve been thinking… and I agree that I never should have questioned your food choices. You can have as many kale acai smoothies as you want. I just want to be with you and read aloud Tim Keller books as you eat an entire jar of almond butter. Take me back, Claire Bear! ”

Is this stupid and cheesy? Absolutely (and no, I never broke up with someone over smoothies. I don’t even really drink smoothies. #sugarbombs But this is a humorified version of the sort of thing I have written before). But sometimes the stupidity and cheesiness actually helps me move on, because I realize what I want(ed) to happen will never happen. There’s also a part of me that really enjoys creating a sub-reality in which things go down the way I want. There’s probably a bit of egomania in that… but if you tell me so, I’ll just write a story about how I went on Oprah to explain this amazing technique and she gave me a free car. BOOM

These are just a few of my quirks and irks. Now you understand why my blog posts are so weird. There’s some strange stuff going on in the #gallonoggin’. And please.. share your oddities with the world. It will at least make everyone else feel a leetle more sane. 😀

Christian Singles: Get your shoot together.

For the love of Chris Tomlin, be chill and stop over-thinking it.

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This is an “in-house” appeal to my single Christian brethren and sistern, so if you don’t fall into that category I’m sorry to leave you out. But of course, you’re welcome to read along and cluck your tongue in approval.

I’ll make this brief.

I currently know at least.. 25 women, in their 20-30s, smart, funny, sweet, hold down a job, emotionally stable, love Jesus. You know what else they all have in common? Single as a one dollar bill. What ELSE do they all have in common? They want dang-blatted hubs, who also love Jesus.

I also know at least 25.. well maybe 20.. men, in their 20-30s, smart, funny, kind, hold down a job, emotionally stable, and love Jesus. Single. Want dang-blatted wifies, who also love Jesus.

Yet what else do almost all of THESE people have in common? They’re on frickin OK Harmonious Bumble Match* or whatever wasting their time with men and women who’d make their mama weep. Or, the women are hombre-ing their hair and putting on extra-eyeliner, waiting for a young Louie Giglio to see them across the church parking lot and be captivated by their pure, ethereal beauty. Then we have men lurking around waiting for some woman to “give them a sign.” Which I guess entails slipping them a note, “I like you, do you like me? Check yes or no.”

Here’s an idea. Delete your derned dating app. Women, stop being prideful! It is not beneath your dignity to talk to a guy.. or even INITIATE A CONVERSATION YOURSELF (!!!!!). You don’t have to be a flirt. Just be .. friendly.  Ask them about themselves. Men, start talking to women and ask them to coffee without feeling the need to call a week-long all-men prayer session to determine if this first step is God’s will. If you’re worried about being seen as creepy, just .. don’t.. be. If a woman says no, then take her word for it and FIDO.

I don’t want the church to become a Christian day-club for singles, I’m just saying that.. 99% of the single Christians I know are all fairly miserable being single, but the whole community is in a never-ending cycle of guys who won’t man up and initiate, with women who expect guys to initiate based off.. their fashion.. ? .. and when guys do initiate they’re labeled as creepy because Christian females are incapable of communicating “NO” so the poor guys are left trying to figure out if the woman is playing hard-to-get or legitimately despises them.. and then women who feel unwanted and rejected because a guy that she has ignored for 3 months is unable to read her mind and figure out she would definitely say yes if he asked her to lunch..

*deep sigh*

For the love of Chris Tomlin, be chill and stop over-thinking it. 

DISCLAIMER: I’m not using the #galloblog platform as a not-so-subtle pathetic plea to men generally, or a specific man, to ask the #galloswag out. This whole post truly was born out of my deep indignation that so many of my male and female Christian single friends are so unhappy. Yes, I’m that sweet and thoughtful.

…Go forth and fraternize!

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*I know people who have met their bae online, and that is glorious. In general though, in my prideful opinion, it’s a bit ridiculous to go online when you have tens and tens of singles right in front of you. If NONE of them appeal to you, maybe it’s your problem… *drops gallomic*

The Profound Mystery of the Honk du Homme

As soon as I heard those two endearing “beep beeps!” I dropped my $12 Greek yogurt on the ground, kicked off my flippity flops, and sprinted to catch up with his garbage truck. Unfortunately the truck continued to move, so in heady desperation I yelled out my name, cell phone number, and the best times to reach me. As soon as I heard those two endearing “beep beeps!” I dropped my $12 Greek yogurt on the ground, kicked off my flippity flops, and sprinted to catch up with his garbage truck. Unfortunately the truck continued to move, so in heady desperation I yelled out my name, cell phone number, and the best times to reach me.

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This afternoon I was walking from the grocery store toward my lab, and a man driving a garbage truck honked at me.

As soon as I heard those two endearing “beep beeps!” I dropped my $12 Greek yogurt on the ground, kicked off my flippity flops, and sprinted to catch up with his garbage truck. Unfortunately the truck continued to move, so in heady desperation I yelled out my name, cell phone number, and the best times to reach me. He called me a few minutes ago, and we have dinner plans later this week!

.. NOT! I looked around in bewilderment until I spotted the instigator who put the lives of his fellow waste disposal expert’s in danger by leaning his head out the window for a 360 view. After grinning at me with smug self-satisfaction, he just up ‘n drove away into the distance. Now our lives are forever separated in time and place.

Dear #galloblog readers: do any of you know the rationale behind horn-tooting at [attractive?] women? I have so many questions.

  • What do these enthusiastic honkers hope to gain from these interactions? Was the exhilarating exchange I detailed above a success in his mind?
  • Do men wish women would honk their horns at them? Is this a practice I should implement in my own life? #gallohonk?
  • Do honking men honk their horn at everything that excites them? Like, would they honk at a Krystal* lying on the side of the road?

If any of you have information on any of this, I would really like to gain insight on this fascinating phenomenon.

— Editorial Notes —

*I’m not trying to be a snob, but for some reason I just have a feeling that men who honk at women shuffling down the road in yoga pants also eat at Krystal. But all of this is very new, so I’m open to push-back on this.

A Mansplaination: How to connect with women (**GUEST CONTRIBUTOR!**)

I’m sure after reading #galloswag’s riveting post advising women how to befriend men in a strictly platonic manner, you thought to yourself, “My bros are great, but I might want to enjoy a Smoothie Sunday with a lady BFF* every once in a while to discuss my life via a medium other than memes, how do I remedy this??”

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— #galloswag editorial note —

This was written by two brothers who I have been friends with before smoothies were even a twinkle in your blender’s eye. If they were able to snag your very own Galloswag as a female BFF, you *know* these guys are LEGIT

*********************

Men, everywhere here and yonder, I’m sure after reading #galloswag’s riveting post advising women how to befriend men in a strictly platonic manner, you thought to yourself, “My bros are great, but I might want to enjoy a Smoothie Sunday with a lady BFF* every once in a while to discuss my life via a medium other than memes, how do I remedy this??”

Memes beware! Behold my friends, there is a solution! Make a female friend. It’s that simple.
Disclosure Notice: After discussing this subject with my close confidant and business partner (#iambrookscassidy) we have devised a plan to make your Smoothie Sundays the real deal. However, these tried and true methods of landing potential lady friends are guaranteed to become so popular they’ll lose originality over time. Please note it is up to each bro to implement these methods with a certain personal flair or style that creates a unique experience. Otherwise, the woman you’re trying to befriend will realize these techniques are overused and outdated, and possibly end your friendship before it starts.
1) Self-improvement classes (pottery, soap making, gardening): Let’s be honest bro, the highest value you’ve ever put on pottery is whether or not it will explode like a watermelon when dropped off a seven story parking garage. Although not wrong, you may want to consider a different direction to take with such classy pieces of art. Create something. Women flock to pottery classes like Jordan Belfort* flocks to securities fraud. Join a pottery class and create a pot. While creating that pot, look around for potential female BFFs. Ask the potential BFF whether you should use the newly created pot as a cereal bowl or a planter for a bamboo tree you plan to buy at an upcoming arts and crafts show this weekend. This is a tried and true way to break the ice and find a new BFF that is not only creative, but obviously has enough free time to hit up Jamba Juice with you.
2) Daily streak on Snapchat. Girls love Snapchat: Anytime and I do mean ANYTIME you see something remotely funny or somewhat Snapworthy, send it to the future lady BFF you met in pottery class. Snapworthy chats are not that hard to come by. What is a hilarious Snap you ask? For starters, record yourself belting out the lyrics to a trendy pop song while strolling through the local grocery store. The innocent bystanders shopping with you will understand your goals are to start a new friendship, not to send Justin Bieber back to Canada with waves of jealousy over your strong vocal talents. I guarantee this trick will kick off any friendship in a positive light.
3) Pick up a cause (Remember Cecil the Lion!): Lastly, you need something to talk about with your newly found BFF. Women love causes. Whether it’s Cecil the Lion, Harambe, or some other poor creature who was sacrificed in  the preparation for your Smoothie Sunday, read up! Wikipedia is a great if somewhat unreliable place to learn about recent causes and trends. Don’t quote anything word for word, but have a conversation kick-starter in your back pocket just in case the discussion with your BFF about your new workout routine results in nothing more than an awkward silence. Cecil and Harambe want you to make new friends outside of the Call of Duty multiplayer campaign you’ve been vigorously attending to for weeks. Forever honor their names with your pottery, Snapchats and smoothies. Be well-informed, bros, and spice your life up with a female BFF.
*BFF – Best Friends Forever (Female way of identifying her homies.)
**Jordan Belfort is the lead character in ‘Wolf of Wall Street’ played by Leonardo Dicaprio.
 -The Kahlua Bros 

A Womansplaination: How to connect with men

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I hope you didn’t click on this link for advice on how to romantically connect with men, because that would be as embarrassing for me as it would be for you. Please seek immediate help elsewhere.

No, this is for those women in brown leather boots and a beige cardigan, journaling at the local café, wondering – “I have no guy friends. How do I make them?”

Never fear, Galloswag is here to share her decades of expertise on how to be legit friends with men. Get out that pink-glitter gel pen and get in formation, cuz I have a lot of womansplainin’ to do here… and I do NOT repeat myself.

1) Break the ice with a clever, fitting quote from a “bro” movie

What’s a bro movie, you ask? Anything with Will Ferrell, The Hangover, Ted.. you know, all those movies you let your ex-bf watch with his bros and didn’t even resent being excluded. Hold your nose and rent a few. Step 1. Watch them. Step 2. Watch them all again. Step 3. Repeat steps 1-2. Memorize every word. Marinate in them.

Then bide your time, like a patient panda. Wait casually for a mundane conversation with a male you’ve targeted for future friendship. With every sentence of dialogue, rack your Ferrell-saturated brain for any possible connection. When you find a hit, *KAPOW* lay it on them.

I can tell you’re not getting it. Example-

Future bro: How was your weekend?

You: Good! My best friend got married. It was such a gorgeous wedding.

Future bro: Oh, yeah? ..cool.. *entire body sags in boredom*

You: Yeah we’ve known each other forevs, so the whole time I was like *scrunch your face* “I’m in a glass cage of emotion!”

Current bro: *body flooded with energy, begins to recite Anchorman from beginning to end between joyful chuckles*

Trust me ladies, this always works. Your only potential pitfall would be to memorize a few quotes, but be unable to hold your own during the recitation of the entire movie. Men can identify a fraud, and they will not be fooled by your half-bootied performance. Don’t shirk! Make the commitment and it will pay off.

2) Convert at LEAST 80% of your formerly verbal, text-y communication to memes and gifs

If you like to express yourself through eye contact and a lot of words, you need to take that preference and blend it to smithereens just like the kale-acai-almond butter smoothie you had for breakfast this morning. Nothing wins over brotherly love like a good reaction meme in a text or fb convo.

Whenever you’re writing a response to a future bro, ask yourself: how could I capture all of this in a single meme?  If your idea is more complex than that, you may proceed to a gif. If a gif is inadequate, you can be sure the guy probably won’t want to read it. At this point, your best options are to a.  abandon train of thought, or b. FaceTime your female bestie instead.

3) Talk some trash

[Important: not to be confused with talking dirty…unless friending is not your goal, and then I suggest you consult other sources as mentioned above].

Sometimes, being ru-ru really is the way to go. I’ve never seen men beam at me with quite the same warmth and affection as when I drop in a good old fashioned, nonsensical mom joke.

Although beware: this is a subtle art form. Despite their bluster, men can be little delicata squashes when it comes to certain insecurities. I would never, for example, mock the facial hair of a man with real undergrowth issues. I’d keep it in the territory of nick-naming one of my super buff friends Johhny Bravo. You’re going for messin’, not mentally distressin’.

[Also important: don’t bring the kitchen if you can’t take the heat. Like iron sharpens iron, guys have been training in the Dojo of Bro Jokes since they were mere babes. Expect some return messin’. If it gets too intense, cry it out in the bathroom, roll up your sleeves and adjust your bra, and then get back in there.]

I have already given you three solid ways to connect with men on the bro level. For $39.95/hr, I will personally infiltrate your work and social settings to shadow you and give you instantaneous feedback. But WAIT: If one of your friends is good looking and wants to take me out for a kale-acai-almond butter smoothie, I will even slash that fee in half.

Go out and befriend!

 

INSIDER’S ONLY: the wild and wonderful #gallogrub

It is well known amongst my friends and fam that my eating habits are kinda.. quirky. Thousands of people* have asked me “What exactly do you eat during the day?” I think they suspect I go to some top-secret farmer’s market, buy some magic beans, and cackle all night as I stir a pot of stew. Very very close, but not quite. I just try to hit the Eternal Quatro of Grub Delight – healthy, fast, cheap, and tasty. Although really by ‘tasty’, sometimes I just mean ‘edible’.

So you are all in for a rare treat my friends – #galloblog is giving you an insider’s look at what your ol’ Galloswag noshes on all day. Get your pinterests READY!

Breakfast

This is Publix nonfat greek yogurt and chia seeds. They’re not just for pets anymore, folks, they’re for eating. And from what I understand, every chia seed you eat flattens your stomach by 1mm. I also added a devilish dollop of all natural** peanut butter, because life is meant to be enjoyed.

Don’t forget green tea! Two different kinds, because YOLO.

Breakfast 2

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Wellll I was still hungry. So I whipped up a smooth and creamy bowl of oatus de branus, more commonly known as oat bran. On the top is a scoop of plain ol’ cocoa powder. Because milk, sugar, and fat in chocolate is for THE WEAK.

Pre-work snack

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Every morn I add a scoop of this green superfood nonsense to my water. I like to imagine an epic battle going on in my body where these valiant green warriors fight off all my evil oxidants. Because I don’t want ANY oxidants left in my body. Not. One. Damn. Oxidant.

Post-arrive-at-work snack

To reward myself for making the grueling o.6 mile walk into my lab, I always roll up a sweet potato like a sweet little baby, nuke that sucker, and eat it plain, skin and all. Yes, like a frickin’ hot dog.

.. & some white tea, because I’m still tired, and quitting coffee was hard.

Pre-lunch hunger stave off

If I had zero self-control, I would eat my lunch every day by.. 10:15 a.m. So I drink a big ol’ water bottle with a splash of raw unfiltered apple cider vinegar. Does it help with hunger? Definitely. Does it cure the common cold, cleanse your arteries, and give you the gift of telepathy? I don’t know. I ain’t no scientist.***

Cinnamon gum is also great to chew on to distract my whiney stomach. I buy this super expensive crappy kind that lasts for 15 seconds because it’s xylitol only. And regular gum stays in your stomach and grows into aliens.

Lunch

I had the delight of running home for lunch and constructing the most mouth watering omelette/frittata. It’s 2 eggs, half a bag of frozen spinach (pre-thawed in microwave), and a sprinkle of turmeric, black pepper****, and red crushed pepper. Stirred it all up and threw it in a pan coated with avocado oil.***** Then I finished it with an adorbs plop of hummus.

Post-lunch Snack

Sprouted corn flakes and cashew milk! Because it is like a crunchy festival in your mouth! And it was a ‘Woohoo!’ deal at Kroger! I literally woohoo’d when I saw it.

Dinner

I got very distracted and had no time to keep on taking pics like some psycho woman. Will anyone ever know what a #gallodinner looks like…. ?!?!?!

TO BE CONTINUED…

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*Ones of people

**PLEASE never eat peanut butter that’s not natural. It’s basically peanut flavored shortening. Hydrogenated oils are always, always, a no.

*** #gallolies

**** THIS is actually serious – turmeric and black pepper are supposed to be super anti-inflammatory

***** Apparently avacodo oil is (one of??) the only kind(s??) of oils that doesn’t turn into a carcinogen when heated up for pan-cooking. Use your EVOO for cold salad and antipasto, not cooking. Sowwy.

White people, please stop making babies.

sunburn
Sunburned woman at beach

No, I didn’t stutter. White-white child production needs to end.

This sentiment has no political, religious, or racist motivation. No – this is a sincere, heartfelt plea from yours truly, who is in fact the product of one of these white-white baby-making ventures.

On a recent trip to Florida, I went to the beach per usual. On said beach, I laid under the sun brazenly, like a normal human being. But I do not have the skin of a normal human being. I have the tortured, angsty skin that can only arise from generations upon generations of European love-making. If my skin was a musical genre, it would be 90s goth – super pale, forever stuck in pubescence, and tremendously angry at the world – particularly bright happy sunlight. Thus, it screeched with indignant rage that I dare enjoy my vacation like 100% of Americans like to enjoy their beach vacations – soaking in the sun with some of my favorites. My skin attacked me with every tool in its belt – it stung, itched, chafed, and peeled. If I exposed my skin to temperatures even one degree hotter than its ideal, it literally* caught on fire; one degree cooler and it literally sent my entire body into hypothermic shock. I have never taken so much naproxen and Benadryl just to keep from bursting into tears or running wildly around my vacay house in a crazed effort to distract myself. It was the second** most traumatic experience of my life.

That is why I stand before you now, with tears of sincerity glistening in my beautiful blue eyes: Please save the next generation of humans from this sunburn madness.

This has nothing to do with mixed-race children being beautiful (um, hello Shemar Moore). This is not an appeal rooted in white-hatred. Indeed, it is my tender love for the descendants of current white people that I beg you to give them a better life.  Neither is it somehow an appeal rooted in white-supremacy. Indeed, I hope that there are no 100% white people remaining by 2100.

Please, men and women du blanc – stop strengthening this debilitating genetic mutation that makes white people unfit for venturing outside for a full 60% of the year (at least in the south). Don’t be selfish. Lean in, and make a less sunburned world. A less painful world. A better world.

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*By literally, I mean figuratively.. of course.

**#1:  being a true conservative in 2016.

THE FEATURED PICTURE IS NOT ME! I would never wear such an ugly bikini.