The 6 Rules of Textiquette

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^an ideal text exchange (see #6)

As much as it grieves me, probably 90% of my communication with humans* is done over texting. (Everyone knows that phone calls are only for official biz, your ‘rents, and bae.) This exposure has given me astounding insights into the art, science, law, and public health of texting. In fact, very recently a PhD declared me to be a texting expert. Altruistically, I have chosen to share Galloswag’s Rules of Textiquette so that you can reach your full texting potential.

1) Respond in a timely manner to text messages that are clearly not ending the conversation.

It’s easier to say what actually IS appropriate to not respond to.

OK.

Lol.

Goodnight.

Thanks!

🙂

…You get the idea. If this is too ambiguous for you, I have also been trying to implement the old telegraph system where we just say “STOP” when we’re done. (e.g. OKAY SEE YOU THEN STOP)

2) One should not conversate with themselves.

On the flip side- especially if it’s during a work day –  it’s a bit over-the-top to send someone upward of 3 text messages when they haven’t responded to your first. There have been times I’ve checked my phone and have 7 texts from the same person who has been chatting to themselves for the past 3 hrs on my data plan. I’m like, “Um, sorry to interrupt.. would you like me to leave?” Calm it down, Texty Tammy!

3) Do not send pictures of yourself unless it is for humor or please-tell-me-I-look-awesome-before-I-go-on-this-date purposes (and even then, do so sparingly).

I won’t waste time diving into the psychology of selfies and their pervasive use in social media – indeed, yours truly has been guilty of selfie-ing. But showcasing your on-fleek brows for Instagram is different than sending it to one person. This is especially a no-no if you don’t know the person overly well. I get wildly uncomfortable if ppl send me a pic of themselves for no reason. I think “ehhh do they want a pic of me? Why? I look terrible today, but sending an old pic seems inauthentic. Do I say ‘looking good?’ ‘thanks’ ‘:)’??? Is this a gateway pic to nudies?!?!?!” It’s very stressful. Don’t do it.

4) Use the ‘scroll up’ feature.

This is an exciting texting feature that many don’t know about. You can actually access your old texts by scrolling up! So before you text your friend, “what time again?” just use that powerful right thumb and check 3 texts back and you have your answer! 👍

5) Process more than one idea at a time.

An old urban legend that’s been circling around since the early 21 century is that if someone texts you several questions, you have to choose one- and only one- to respond to. I’m here to break the chains of your texlavery – you can actually respond to each and every question that was asked of you! If you are confused about how many answers you should give, here’s a quick #texthack: Count the number of question marks. The number of answers in your response text should equal that number!

6) Use emojis and punctuation.

Listen, smiley’s and punctuation aren’t just for 14 yr old girls ans 74 yr old men, respectively. Text tone is so confusing you know, because we can’t convey tone of voice. Fun fact: in the English language we have these adorbs little symbols that help our writing come to life! Yeah?? See, I bet you could tell I was being sarcastic right then. Magical. 😉 But they’re so important. If I say “Great, see you then!” And you say, “okay,” I imagine you saying that in a deadpan voice with a dull look in your eyes. If you say “okay!” I imagine us jump-fiving through our phones. If you say “okay ;)” I think “Awww snap! They are totes into me.” Truly, it makes all the difference.

If you apply yourself, you can incorporate all of this invaluable textiquette into your texting life. Send me proof of your reformation, and I will send you a signed copy of my newest book that transcribed all of my most successful texting convos. Finally, in the words of the great Dr. Galloswag herself, “Text safe. Text right. Text true. Don’t be ru-ru.”

 

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*As opposed to my plant communication. Plants talk, y’all. I watched an entire documentary on this. True story.

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The easiest, cheapest, most effective weight loss plan of all time.

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from shapefit.com. Please don’t sue me, Shapefit!

Welp, it’s another new year. Maybe weight loss goals are becoming cliche, but most people want a magnificent body, even if they can only fantasize about this privately. Yet we all know that weight loss plans can interfere with your daily life, drain your bank account, and force you to sweat in spandex around a bunch of grunting  strangers with better bodies than you. Yech.

But that’s no reason to give up. I have dedicated this last 12 minutes of my life to formulate the easiest, cheapest, most effective weight loss plan of all time.

1) Sell all chairs and sofas. 

“But where will I sit to watch tv?” You demand angrily. And I say, “Exactly.”

“And how will I sit down to eat?!” You ask in expasperation. And I say, “That’s right.”

“If I can only sit on the floor, my butt will hurt and I’ll keep on standing up and moving my body so I’m not so uncomfortable!” You assert with indignation. And I say, “Bingo.”

2) Only shop at Whole Foods 

Oh I know, Whole Foods is a bit of a scam. You can get pretty much all the same stuff in the Kroger healthy food section for ~1/4 of the price. If you shop there, you will probably have to slash your total food intake by 76%. Hmmm….

Let me say it again, If you shop only at Whole Foods, you will probably have to slash your total food intake by 76%.

3) Sell your refrigerator and freezer, too. 

You might be worrying, “But where will I store my ice cream, frozen pizzas, and cheese?”

…. I’ll let you figure this one out on your own.

Conclusion: Don’t over complicate your life. Follow these three easy steps, and enjoy the new you!

How to be a snowflake, for realz.

“Snowflake” has become a derogatory term to mock the delicate nature of millennials, but it’s rooted in a desire I think most of us have – to stand apart, to be unique, to not be a lemming. The problem is that globalism, the interwebs, and Applebee’s …

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“Snowflake” has become a derogatory term to mock the delicate nature of millennials, but it’s rooted in a desire I think most of us have – to stand apart, to be unique, to not be a lemming. The problem is that globalism, the interwebs, and Applebee’s are pretty much guaranteeing that we’re all morphing into Monsieur and Mademoiselle Averagés.

But please don’t shed a tear, my dear. I  have three very simple ways – whether you’re male or female* – that you can set yourself apart like the glistening, beautific, feathery ice crystal you always knew you were.

If you’re a man:

  1. Initiate a plan
  2. Actually follow through with said plan
  3. Do this more than one time

You will be a man among men! Women will fall at your feet! You will get a promotion at work! If you already do this, pm me. 😉 😉 😉

If you’re a woman:

  1. Respond to text messages
  2. Actually respect the time of your squad and don’t cancel on them willy-nilly when you and I both know if *he* hit you up you’d be up and at ’em like jumpin jack flash
  3. Be honest with men about your feels or lack thereof and stop ghosting like a selfish little girl

Your social life will EXPLODE! Your number of confusedly spurned stalkers will DWINDLE!

There you go. If you didn’t have a New Year’s resolution already, I just gave you three! And if you’re an overachiever and resent gender dichotomies, I gave you SIX!!!!

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*I unabashedly dichotomize men and women, and I WILL use stereotypes as much as I want!! Get over it. Shoo!

**The quotation marks are indicating you’re LYING! I literally canceled last night because I wasn’t feeling well, but this was legit. LEGIT I TELL YOU!

How to survive the worst weeks of your life (aka the Gallobreak)

Facebook just prompted me to write a post, because apparently my last post was too long ago. Well, never mind that I’m trying to write a frickin’ dissertation. This is so much more important. *eye roll*

Yet,I’m afraid the ol’ Galloswag may be out of commission for a while*, as she writes, eat egregious amounts of greek yogurt, and weeps over each chapter. So here are a few things to do in the meantime –

Facebook just prompted me to write a post, because apparently my last post was too long ago. Well, never mind that I’m trying to write a frickin’ dissertation. This is so much more important. *eye roll*

Yet,I’m afraid the ol’ Galloswag may be out of commission for a while*, as she writes, eats egregious amounts of greek yogurt, and weeps over each chapter. So here are a few things to do in the meantime –

  1. Start a rival blog so we can up each other’s numbers with zingy posts… my dream is for this to culminate in a late night dance-off that we go Facebook live with
  2. Write me a message testifying how much Galloblog has meant to you
  3. Paint with all the colors of the wind to express your pain with my silence
  4. Send me a gift basket of greek yogurt
  5. Pray for me to finish well and find joy in the process!

I shall return, with plenty of nothing to pollute your mind with. *smoochies*

Merci, merci. I ❤ ** you all.

— Editorial Notes —

*I won’t put a date, because I don’t want y’all naggin’ me. I do what I want!!

**I don’t LOVE you all. I heart you all. Big difference. Don’t be weird.

Alsoooo if you read this, don’t be a social media sneak but instead, visit my Facebook page and like/comment/share/print-out-and-laminate below!!

7 headlines to watch out for in 2017

Which one do you think will come true?? 1) Massive protest against massive protests sparks massive protest  2) Coconut oil may cure conservatism  3) Chloe Kardashian comes out as necrophilial, blasts social conservatives for being “carbonormative.” 4) ‘Nutella for Guns’ program reduces Detroit homicides by 97% 5) Trump appoints Kanye West as Press Secretary; KKK in crisis … Continue reading “7 headlines to watch out for in 2017”

Which one do you think will come true??

1) Massive protest against massive protests sparks massive protest

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Crowd was heard chanting “HAJABODAGIIIII!!”

 2) Coconut oil may cure conservatism

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Participants who bathed daily in coconut oil showed a 2.7% decrease in ignorance.

 3) Chloe Kardashian comes out as necrophilial, blasts social conservatives for being “carbonormative.”

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“‘Dead’ and ‘alive’ are social constructs.”

4) ‘Nutella for Guns’ program reduces Detroit homicides by 97%

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CDC emergency obesity task-force deployed

5) Trump appoints Kanye West as Press Secretary; KKK in crisis

 

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“Kanye is amazing and this will be a tremendous opportunity that will be terrific. The blacks will love me.” – President Trump

6) Indianan Drug cartel outraged to find traces of pre-workout supplement in meth

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“What kind of country we livin’ in, when a man can’t trust the quality of his crank no more?” – Jo-Jo Bobby Raybanz

7) Author of Galloblog interviewed by Jimmy Fallon on the Tonight Show. 

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😉

 

Don’t be a social media sneak

…one of the gravest of all social media faux pas is to consume the lives, words, and pictures of a friend’s page without even offering a cursory thumbs up as a sort of interweb up-nod.

From the time we are little tots, we crave interaction with other humans. We want people to acknowledge us, react to us, show us that we are individual agents whose actions are influencing the world and those around us.* That’s why social media is so addicting – all of these people are acknowledging you! Hooray! – you exist!

Therefore, one of the gravest of all social media faux pas is to consume the lives, words, and pictures of a friend’s page without even offering a cursory thumbs up as a sort of interweb up-nod. For serious! Fb has now given you the option of sad face or angry face if you don’t like the post, so… you are all without excuse. If your thoughts are so unique and special that you are offended by the constraining choices of pre-manufactured reactions that fb and other social media accounts offer, I’ve heard about this option called “comment.” The only downside is that you have to form words and put them together in a coherent** string called a “sentence.” Even if you’re “blah” about someone’s entire page, 1) why are you looking at their stuff anyway 2) the least you can do is comment below at least one of their posts with a “pfffft.”

I implore you – don’t be that person, who, as I’m telling you about my weekend says, “Oh yeah, I saw those hiking pics. I loved them.” As my closest confidante expressed recently, “Oh did you?? Well I didn’t see a little ‘ ❤ ’ from you, buddy!” I think we’d all rather log into our accounts and see 57 notifications from you going through our profile pics dating back to 2007 than for you to nod your head knowingly when we tell you our weight fluctuated a lot through college.

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Galloswag sez, “Don’t be this meme”

So now for a moment of Galloswag honest vulnerability – this post is 100% motivated by my own vain curiosity. With any given blog post, my blog views are ~5x, even up to 20x more than I get in likes, reactions, or comments on fb. Were those views from people who read the first sentence of my post and said, “Oh Lort, ain’t nobody got time for that!” Did their clicker finger have a muscle spasm and they opened my page by accident? Did they read every single one of my posts, and were so moved by the beauty of my words they sat frozen for hours with graceful tears streaming down their face???

I guess there’s no way I’ll ever know. Oh wait, I would totally know, if 90% of you weren’t being social media sneaks! >8-O ***

 

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*This is all loosely based off of an undergrad class in Developmental Psychology I took 10 years ago. If you have information to the contrary, call me out on it yo.

**Although I think we can all testify that there are social media friends who don’t find the ‘coherent’ part necessary… but I digress.

***For those of you who were born after 1992, tilt your head to the left and you will see an angry face!! Isn’t that neat-o?? This is how people in primitive times expressed their emotions.

 

Women, does this picture make you feel effeminated?

The term “emasculate” is plum strange. It’s often used in the context of a woman outmanning the man in question. Like if Danielle pays for Daniel’s chipotle, Daniel may feel emasculated. If Betty Joe changes Billy Jim’s tires – emasculated. If Claire Bear benches more than T-Gainz – emasculated. But.. why? How? Shouldn’t masculinity be something within a man, that external forces cannot change?

This is especially confusing because there’s no equivalent term for women …

effeminated

The term “emasculate” is plum strange. It’s often used in the context of a woman outmanning the man in question. Like if Danielle pays for Daniel’s Chipotle, Daniel may feel emasculated. If Betty Joe changes Billy Jim’s tires – emasculated. If Claire Bear benches more than T-Gainz – emasculated. But.. why? How? Shouldn’t masculinity be something within a man, that external forces cannot change?

This is especially confusing because there’s no equivalent term for women (is there?). If Daniel can change a diaper more efficiently than Danielle, she won’t feel “effeminated.” No lady I know gets resentful when any Jo-Jo can style hair, cook well, talk a lot, dress fashionably – or whatever other qualities are stereotypically female. Au contraire, most women I know praise those sort of qualities in the men they know and love.

How can anyone’s degree of any one trait change how much someone else characterizes that trait? If a man just happened to be as good or better at all the “womanly” things I’m good at, I would probably not marry him — for the sake of symmetry and balance, of course – but I really doubt I would resent him. And if he generally tried to downplay my womanliness.. he might be a d-bag*, but my femininity would escape unscathed. Yes? Yes?!

So why does a woman doing stereotypically manly things subtract manliness from a man, but a man doing stereotypically womanly things does nothing to change the womanliness of a woman?

Galloswag wants to know.

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*I mean doo-doo bag. Simmer down.

FYI: one of my next few posts will also be about manliness because I’m strangely obsessed with the topic rn. But this is more of a ramble than an actual statement. STATEMENT TO COME.

 

To the one I love

I love going places with you. Things haven’t been perfect – I’ve beat up on you a little bit, and you’ve let me down a few times. But we always keep moving. We drive on.

Before I found you, I was helpless, frustrated, and a bit desperate. I walked the streets alone.

I never thought that I would end up with someone like you. No one expected for us to really work. “Don’t expect it to last more than a few months,” they told me grimly.

But as soon as I saw you, something clicked. I knew we had to belong to each other.
You were so much more masculine than I expected, but now I wouldn’t have it any other way. We both had pasts – painful, destructive pasts. But where others see imperfections, I see unique history and character that makes you even more perfect to me.

I love going places with you. Things haven’t been perfect – I’ve beat up on you a little bit, and you’ve let me down a few times. But we always keep moving. We drive on.

Every day I fall a little bit more in love with you. You’re fun. Being with you has satisfied a deep longing in my heart I’ve had since middle school. But you’re also reliable, and just comfortable to be around.

I know people don’t understand why we’re together, but I’m in for this ride as long as you are. I can’t wait to find out what adventures we’ll go through next.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, SWEET BABY CAKES!!!

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DON’T YOU DARE JUDGE ME! Just kidding 😉

 

How to avoid a Shanksgiving

Usually I prefer to keep my posts as irrelevant as possible, but I cannot blithely ignore the great need that has spread across the US of A this Thanksgiving season. There is clearly a lot of anticipated angst among many millennials at the prospect of going back home to share a meal with their po-dunk relatives. Please don’t be anxious, sweet little plaided one.

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Usually I prefer to keep my posts as irrelevant as possible, but I cannot blithely ignore the great need that has spread across the US of A this Thanksgiving season. There is clearly a lot of anticipated angst among many millennials at the prospect of going back home to share a meal with their po-dunk relatives. Please don’t be anxious, sweet little plaided one. Galloswag has prepared an innovative plan so that you can weather through a meal with those backward yeehaws who love you unconditionally.

1) Do a rotating dinner, but stagger arrivals

Remember those dinners that were spread over several houses, and the entire group moved to one house for an appetizer, the next house for dinner, etc.? Re-create this theme, except stagger everyone’s arrival so that everyone is enjoying the wonderful Thanksgiving food without having to interact with people, that by some cruel trick of biology, they are related to. Bonus: if you’re first, you can leave passive-aggressive, condescending notes on napkins (“HAPPY NATIVE-AMERICAN OPPRESSION DAY, YOU COLONIAL MONSTER”) to burn into your relatives’ consciences as they try to enjoy their meal.

2) Fake a pregnancy

If you’re unfortunate enough to actually have to interact with family this year, as soon as you walk through the door yell loudly “I may be pregnant!” Keep it uncertain – don’t commit 100%. Just mention you’ve missed your last cycle and feel nauseated. The Halloween candy should have already started a nice little faux baby bump for you to work with. Men don’t feel left out – it’s 2016 and you can be pregnant, too. Pregnancy is a fluid social construct, really, that’s currently trapped into a rigid box that reeks of matriarchal oppression. If anyone calls you out, just accuse them of being a uterist and to check their “ovarian privilege.” In any case, all of this should be a good distraction from whatever arguments might be brewing. If anyone tries to start anything, just clutch your stomach, gasp, and run out of the room.

3) Bring an airhorn

Let’s say steps 1 and 2 didn’t work, and family members actually start talking to you. I suggest bringing an airhorn, although perhaps a rape whistle would be equally effective, to sound noisily whenever anyone you disagree with starts to speak. Just don’t stop until they leave. Respectful conversations are passé. It is your constitutional right to never hear anything that will ever challenge or upset you, especially from your backwoods relatives.

Best of luck, everyone! Let’s hope your holiday is completely stress free* and doesn’t challenge you in anyway!**

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*aka human free

**I actually don’t wish this for you. See this brilliant blog post

If you actually want to read a really good article on interacting with people this Thanksgiving, I highly recommend this one

Men, your facial hair is beard-ening society

Brethren, I appeal to you as a sincere sistern who has your best interests in mind. Can we cool it with the beards?

When I was a youth, facial hair was for Amish men, Disney villains and drug dealers. Now …

Brethren, I appeal to you as a sincere sistern who has your best interests in mind. Can we cool it with the beards?

When I was a youth, facial hair was for Amish men, Disney villains and drug dealers. Now, we have CEOs of Fortune 500 companies looking like Willie Nelson.

It’s not that I think it always looks bad per se, I just don’t think it adds anything. At best, some men are attractive enough that their magnificent bone structure shoves its way through the bramble of face fuzz and still declares “I AM A STUD.” And I say back, “Yowza Yowz!” But mostly, it homogenizes the male population so they all kind of look like this –

average_man

(I literally just googled ‘average man’ and this is what popped up). Ladies and gents, I present to you Monsieur Averagé.

I know what’s happening here. All you bearded men watched Lord of the Rings 1,903 times at an impressionable age, and perhaps bromantic feels for Aragorn were stirred. As you grew into men, your facial hair – perhaps subconsciously – began to mimic the facial hair of your man crush.  I get it – my shero-worship for Arwen has led me to ride around on a horse with a tiara and yell elvish sentences by streams in my neighborhood. But please, let’s consider a few things —

  • John McClane, Rambo, Batman, Tim Keller — all clean shaven. Just think about that for a while.
  • If you’re good looking, give the gift of your gorgeous, unique bone structure to the world. Or do you really just want to be Monsieur Averagé, numero mille-deux cent-quatre-vingt-sept???
  • If you’re not good looking, don’t hide behind the moustachio! What if you meet someone and everything is going great, and then a powerful czar issues a command that all men between the ages of 18-88 shave their face and when you do your lady is horrified and leaves you for Monsieur Averagé numero mille-deux cent-quatre-ving-huit???! Why are you leaving yourself open to these vulnerabilities? Come clean early.
  • Facial hair is itchy and can cause the ladies in your life great physical distress. I’m being serious. I was allergic to an ex-boyfriend’s facial hair and it made me look like I had leprosy on my face. Think about others. Do the right thing.
  • When you shave, that means you can have stubble. And stubble is wondrous, and tragically underused by the male population. Yowza-Yowz-Yowzy!
  • Hitler had facial hair. FDR did not. I don’t think any more explanation here is necessary.

You can do it, fellas. Be bold, be beautiful, be smooth! Shave yo’ face! 🙂