Usually I prefer to keep my posts as irrelevant as possible, but I cannot blithely ignore the great need that has spread across the US of A this Thanksgiving season. There is clearly a lot of anticipated angst among many millennials at the prospect of going back home to share a meal with their po-dunk relatives. Please don’t be anxious, sweet little plaided one. Galloswag has prepared an innovative plan so that you can weather through a meal with those backward yeehaws who love you unconditionally.
1) Do a rotating dinner, but stagger arrivals
Remember those dinners that were spread over several houses, and the entire group moved to one house for an appetizer, the next house for dinner, etc.? Re-create this theme, except stagger everyone’s arrival so that everyone is enjoying the wonderful Thanksgiving food without having to interact with people, that by some cruel trick of biology, they are related to. Bonus: if you’re first, you can leave passive-aggressive, condescending notes on napkins (“HAPPY NATIVE-AMERICAN OPPRESSION DAY, YOU COLONIAL MONSTER”) to burn into your relatives’ consciences as they try to enjoy their meal.
2) Fake a pregnancy
If you’re unfortunate enough to actually have to interact with family this year, as soon as you walk through the door yell loudly “I may be pregnant!” Keep it uncertain – don’t commit 100%. Just mention you’ve missed your last cycle and feel nauseated. The Halloween candy should have already started a nice little faux baby bump for you to work with. Men don’t feel left out – it’s 2016 and you can be pregnant, too. Pregnancy is a fluid social construct, really, that’s currently trapped into a rigid box that reeks of matriarchal oppression. If anyone calls you out, just accuse them of being a uterist and to check their “ovarian privilege.” In any case, all of this should be a good distraction from whatever arguments might be brewing. If anyone tries to start anything, just clutch your stomach, gasp, and run out of the room.
3) Bring an airhorn
Let’s say steps 1 and 2 didn’t work, and family members actually start talking to you. I suggest bringing an airhorn, although perhaps a rape whistle would be equally effective, to sound noisily whenever anyone you disagree with starts to speak. Just don’t stop until they leave. Respectful conversations are passé. It is your constitutional right to never hear anything that will ever challenge or upset you, especially from your backwoods relatives.
Best of luck, everyone! Let’s hope your holiday is completely stress free* and doesn’t challenge you in anyway!**
— EDITORIAL NOTES —
*aka human free
**I actually don’t wish this for you. See this brilliant blog post
If you actually want to read a really good article on interacting with people this Thanksgiving, I highly recommend this one