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No, God did not tell that guy He wants y’all to be together

[NOTE: I don’t harbor any ill will or contempt for the persons mentioned in the story below. But if someone has to go through these insane-o experiences, others might as well learn from them!]

disgust-15793_960_720 — ^How Sydney felt (smoochies to Pixabay for the free image)

So my friend* Sydney found herself in a situation a few years back in which (I believe) a well-intentioned but misguided Christian man was convinced that he and Sydney were supposed to be together. And she just wasn’t feelin’ those kinda feels. But then he played the “but I think this is God’s will,” card and Sydney panicked. She tortured the interwebs with search phrases like “does God want you to date someone you’re not attracted to?” or “is it possible that God will tell one person but not the other that he wants you to be together,” etc. etc. (Google be like “showing results for psychiatrists near you “) She grew agitated with God. Praying didn’t seem safe because she was so afraid God would confirm this .. coming together .. that turned her stomach.** It took several of her Christian mentors looking at her incredulously and saying “No! This guy is trying to manipulate you.“ to keep Sydney from having a major crises of faith. And lo and behold, they were correct. She is single and sassy to this day, y’all! *praise hands*

This wasn’t an isolated event, either – another friend of mine, Kelly, had a similar experience. Another (I believe) well-intentioned but misguided Christian man told her he knew God wanted them to be together AND she should break things off with her fiancé (At least Sydney was single. Geez laweez, Papa Cheese!). Fortunately for everyone, Kelly wasn’t impressed with his claims of divine guidance and held her ground. And lo and behold, now she’s happily married AND the insta-prophet — who was so spiritually arrogant he was willing to basically steal another dude’s betrothed — is now happily engaged to another woman.

So why tell you this? Certainly not to make single Christian men – or Christians generally – look like complete crazies, but to 1) ease the tortured mind of any girls who might be legit confused because someone is using the Holy Spirit to MANIPULATE THEM and 2) to admonish men who have used this this form of spiritual abuse to CHECK THEMSELVES (or if you have brochachos who do, CHECK YOUR BROCHACHOS).

man_with_flowers — ^This guy totes looks the part of a Blasphemous Bobby. (ty for the free image, pixabay!)

Blasphemous Bobbies: if God wants y’all to be together, it will happen. Don’t mistake your shouting hormones with the still, quiet voice of God Almighty. If you think that a girl you’re interested in is not responding to the Cupid nudge of the Holy Spirit, then I would strongly suggest praying that she would hear his voice directly &/or through her spiritual mentors. If it’s divinely ordered, I’m sure He can get the job done without your interference. As Matt Chandler pointed out – taking the Lord’s name in vain is more than saying “Oh my G*d!” but “the heart behind the commandment [you shall not take the Lord’s name in vain] is that God will not be co-opted, and you will not use the authority of the Lord to flex power and manipulate and coerce others“ (12:45 – 13:00). So don’t vainly use God’s name to manipulate some bewildered Christian woman.

Bewildered Betties: although I’m not aware of any biblical precedent for this sort of thing, God is very clear that “[love] does not insist on its own way” (1 Cor 13:4). And if you read the juicy and provocative Song of Songs, it’s pretty clear that the bible celebrates being wildly attracted to your man. So I really, really doubt God will torture you with someone you genuinely find creepy. God is not a bully, and I don’t think he wants you to be with one, either. But neither does the Galloswag want to use the Lord’s name in vain (I mean, God did tell Hosea to marry a whore) so by all means, if you’re in this situation please talk to a lot of mentors. There is wisdom in many counselors (Prov 11:14), but make sure those counselors are legit.

So praise Jesus for fulfilling the Priesthood, Law, AND Prophets so He can communicate it directly to you… and will very likely NOT speak “a word” through Blasphemous Bobby that so conveniently fits his relationship agenda and violates yours.

Hallelujer!

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

* 😉

**Sydney finally said [through gritted teeth] “I’ll do it if you want me too! But Father if there’s ANY other way, take this cup from me.. !” And maybe that surrender is why God allowed all of those shenanigans. But the main point is, no one should subject anyone to this sort of soul torture.

Unsung Sheroes: A Tribute to Action Jackson

For every 1 doer, there are 1,537 (+/- 49) critics.*

As any writer will tell you, it is much easier to edit a rough draft than produce that rough draft.**

In 15 minutes, a reviewer can rip apart a 2 hr movie that took 14 months to make.***

It’s all too easy to rally around the sentiment, “this sucks!” It is profoundly difficult to craft and implement a new and better plan.

lettering-1634764_640 — Bah, free images are the WORST. *sigh* but uh, thanks pixabay.

It takes courage to act, because doing or changing anything is bound to upset people. There are some who brave that headwind and stand front and center, bearing the brunt of inevitable push-back. Louie Giglio said (paraphrased) – “If you feel headwind, it just means you’re going somewhere.” [insert obligatory Teddy Roosevelt quote here]. In a world of self-appointed Monsieur Criticisizés, it’s downright ballsy.

Now, are these Action Jacksons flawless? Not at all, Rosenthal. But instead of sneering from the sterile balcony of idle criticisms or suffocating in a sink-hole of analysis-paralysis, they do. They take the best course of action they know how with the information that they have. Acting without thinking can be dangerous– yes! But maybe equally, if not more, damaging is thinking without acting.

Just like Honest Abery, this shouldn’t be revolutionary, but it is. Action Jacksons are a dying breed.

carrots-673184_640 — Carrots are better than sticks. Carrots in a basket made of sticks.. next level. (Free image from pixabay)

So what can we do? Well, for every criticism we have, we can try to find a counter-example and praise that instead. Ya know, carrots instead of sticks. Also, when you have a legitimate disagreement with a doer, I would suggest contacting them personally and talking to them about why you disagree with them instead of publicly smearing their name. Doers have feels. Do not let the seeming anonymity of social media turn you into an inconsiderate arse.

I salute you, Action Jackson!

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*Galloswag, 2017, personal observations.

**Galloswag, 2017, personal reflections.

***Galloswag, 2017, personal estimations.

4 Clichés Singles Are Tired of Hearing

stop-1971756_640 — This is literally what you do to us when you say this kind of shoot. (Free image from pixabay)

[Warning: This is mainly written by my perspective as a singleton sischacha. But I think some of it may apply equally to my singleton brochachos.]

1) “Guys are intimidated by you”

Ummmm this is a sweet thought. But given the fact that Beyoncé, Hillary Clinton, Serena Williams, and Sydney Bristow have all managed to find someone, this charming platitude falls flat. Even if it were true, what exactly are we supposed to do with this info? Try giggling vapidly the next time we go on a date? Pretend we’re baristas* instead of pharmacists, post-docs, shooting instructors, etc.? Wear yoga pants and minimal make-up AMAP? I already do the last one, so I can say with 100% certainty that’s not the key.

2) “You’re over-thinking it”

Fabulous. Now we will start thinking about how to not over-think. Or just run away with the first Jo-Jo who comes into our path. Because THAT won’t put us at risk for getting date-raped, recruited to be a trapeze artist in a traveling circus, or in a long-term relationship with a bearded man ( 😉 )! Great idea. We’ll just pop a few Xanax and let what happens, happens. Y’all, check yourselves.

3) “You’re too picky”

This is probably one of the worst things you could ever say to us. You might as well say, “Lower your standards,” or “Stop wanting what you want,” or “You’re pretty much a 6 looking for a 10.” Now, if we have unrealistic expectations, then that may be something to discuss. But “you’re too picky” is just annoying and makes us feel like crap. Plus, aren’t we also intimidating? So how will being less picky (and presumably being open to a lower caste** of men) help with the intimidation factor? The poor fellers might die of a stroke when they find out how wildly hilarious AND smart AND beautiful we are. It wouldn’t be fair to them, really.

4) “He is insane/stupid/gay because he’s not interested in you”

(or my all time favorite “Maybe he has the gift of celibacy…?” Lolz!***) I know y’all are just trying to be kind and helpful. Truly, the sentiment – that no normally functioning straight male could EVER turn down this dynamo package of delectability – is appreciated. BUT, although I’m sure some of us have (unfortunately) dated some who fall into some of these categories, most of the time none of the above are true. Personally, I have awesome man-friends who I don’t want to date, and I hope no one questions my mental health or doubts my sexual orientation because of that. Sometimes, we just don’t got that loving feeling. This is a good thing. Otherwise, we’d all be hopelessly in love with at least 73 people at a given time. *Anyway* One of the best responses to one of my romanticangsts was just a sincere, “That really sucks. I’m sorry,” followed by a huge hug. That’s all we need. Don’t fill our noggins with grandiose and contemptuous ideers. Just pat us on the head and buy us a taco or something.

Conclusion: I REPEAT, PLEASE JUST PAT US ON THE HEAD AND BUY US A TACO

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*This wasn’t a jab at baristas. I just doubt most men are toppled over with fear and insecurity when they meet someone who is a barista. Please call me out if I’m misguided on this.

**I kid, I kid.

***I truly love the person who suggested this. But it did make me laugh hysterically.

Link to the Book of Faces

https://www.facebook.com/galloblog/posts/1895447684065886

Unsung Heroes: A Tribute to Honest Abe

I thought about going on a basic rant against flakey folks, but let’s go Mr. Rogers on this joint. I would like to write a tribute to one of my friends who I will refer to as Honest Abe. Not bc his name starts with an ‘A’, but bc he’s honest. And it’s essential that I use cutesy names.

Is Honest Abe perfect? Heck no, Milo. He can err on the side of noncommitalism, and he can ping the ol’ Gallofeels when he rejects my super coveted, elite social invitations. But you know what? When this brochacho says he’s going to be somewhere, he’s there. And almost always on time. I actually trust in his word.

If you don’t see why this is praiseworthy, or even fantastically shocking, you obvs haven’t spent any time with male-lennials. They may be emotionally in-tune or heart-rendingly sensitive, but they are [mostly] complete man-children when it comes to the most SIMPLE of promises. When I can’t even trust a bro to be in a given location at a given time, why would I trust him with .. anything? Not my taxes, not my dog… def not my precious jewel of a heart.*

Oops, here I go being a negative Nance again..The point is—- Abe, thank you for not being a flake. Thank you for being so brutally honest that you can turn people down to their face. Thank you for being trustworthy. Thank you for shining like a bright diamond in a world of dull-dirt-rocks of Dishonest Daves.**

I salute you, Honest Abe.

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*Mama sez my heart has jewelific qualities.

**No offense to Daves and Davids. It rhymed with Abe and was an alliteration. I couldn’t resist.

Link to the Book of Faces

You Can Keep the Change

Remember when you were a kiddo, and you used to play make-believe? Wasn’t that jolly?? Okey, then! Let’s play make-believe for une minuto.

***

Connie is making a pot of soup for a large crowd of people. There was a general consensus after the early taste-test that the soup really needed salt. So, Connie starts adding one grain of salt at a time.

Then Libby storms the kitchen, shoves Connie away from the stove, and screeches, “This isn’t progressing like it should!” She proceeds to dump an entire cup of salt into the soup and serves it to the guests.

When asked to explain her brash actions, Libby snorts, “Connie wasn’t getting anything done. We needed that tasteless soup changed NOW!” But many guests grumble about the salty disaster they were served. When Libby hears them, she huffs, “You just love tasteless soup! Plus, I prefer over-salty to under-salty.” Some of Connie’s closest friends snap back testily, “But we prefer under-salty to over-salty!”

****

The point of this dynamo story, dear readers o’ mine, is that getting behind causes or movements that call for general “change” or “progress” is lamé. When you’re dissatisfied with a situation, don’t get on board the Generic General and chug toward Change, Otherwise Unspecified. Maybe the change suits your personal tastes, but that doesn’t mean that it will taste better for everyone. As the youths say, it’s still “extra.” It’s just extra in a different direction.

download — Outstanding artistry of coins, also from pixabay images.

So don’t be an Extra Eliza. And don’t advocate for change or progress solely because it’s different from now, even if now kind of sucks. Let’s get behind smart changes – with an actual end-goal in mind – instead of simply, “anything but this!” That will be progress. Then we can all eat a tasty, nicely salted soup. Hmmm.. delicious.

Book of Faces Link

How to keep your blog elite

IMG_20170312_132318 — When you’re trying to make an elite hipster blog but you have too many followers.

I often drive to visit my fab fam in a city about 5 hours away. It is excruciating to just sit in the car by myself with my insane thoughts. So, I decided to make a video instead of write out a blog because as the great Derek Zoolander said, “[a blogger’s] life is a precious, precious commodity,” and we too can die in a freak, blog-posting-bc-bored, traffic accident.

Also I refuse to coin the term “Gallovlog” bc it sounds like a German hacking up a hairball.

ALSO if you are reading this I hope you your heart swells with pride that you are a true hipster who reads some obscure blog that no one else has heard about. 😉

https://youtu.be/wMSc0uIqKvI

The Real War on Women

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What do these pictures have in common?

Well one, they’re portraying females as strong, violent, and/or brash. They fit perfectly into this neo-feminism narrative of I AM WOMAN, I AM STRONG.

Second, I absolutely hate them. Coincidentally, I also hate this neo-feminism.

I am a 27 year old woman who has her PhD and makes a decent income. And I didn’t have to use my body in any sexual way to get my PhD or to make my living now. And this isn’t because I have well connected, affluent parents that have paid my way, either. My life is paid for by me, and it has been for a while (except my phone service – thanks Dad!). And truly, I am thankful for all the feminists that came before me that made all of this possible.

BUT.. WHAT HAVE WE COME TO??

This new type of feminism is awful awful awful. It’s like we saw everything bad about the culture of men that drove the imbalance and inequality between sexes in the early 20^th century and instead of working to improve men’s culture, we destroyed women’s culture. For example – men could get away with promiscuity and objectifying women. Now thanks to neo-feminism, women can now get away with promiscuity and objectifying men! HOORAY! Then, men prioritized work over families. Now thanks to neo-feminism, women can now prioritize work over their families too! Then, men could get away with being crude. Now thanks to neo-feminism, women can parade around with vagina-hats on! WOW! Progress!

So yes, congratulations millenials – the sexes are pretty equal. Equally awful. *golf clap*

AND.. in the process .. we’ve rejected traditional femininity as being lesser. Instead of adding value to traditionally feminine qualities, we’ve tried to prove that females can be just as masculine as males. “You’re right,” neo-feminists say, throwing up their hands. “The way to power and success is to be masculine. Therefore, women will prove just how masculine they can be.” So in a twisted, ironic sense, we’re actually agreeing with men who have trampled and sneered on women throughout history.

Here’s the thing: I do not want my nieces to need to learn how to choke someone out to be considered a true woman. I will take no pride in them loudly and obnoxiously referencing their vaginas at every opportunity. No pride will swell in my heart if I find out that they have had sex with many, many men without getting pregnant or *BONUS* not caring or loving any of these men. I want them to giggle and dream and play dress up and get in trouble for getting into their mom’s make up. I want them to have the freedom and security to be silly and smart and sassy and soft.

little-girls-walking-773024_960_720 — I love this. Girlhood. (from pixabay free images)

Let’s stop the REAL war on women .. on femininity. Yes, let’s let women get educated and hold jobs and not be shamed for having a figure … but let’s also not take the worst, most primal part of men and adopt it as our own.

Because *drum roll* women will never be as good at being masculine as men are. (Before you get indignant and start throwing dildos at me, think about if you’d get offended if I said that men will never be as good at being feminine as women are. If you’re offended by that too, I just can’t help you.) Can women be strong? Of course. But even a very strong female could still get their ass kicked by most males. So I’m all for taking self-defense classes and not being ridiculously helpless, but at the end of the day – unless we spontaneously mutate and our biology changes drastically – or maybe cast off the aversion to growing robust moustachios and start injecting ourselves with testosterone – men are still going to be able to physically dominate us. That is scary, if men’s culture doesn’t change.

I propose a change in the next generation of feminism: How about men AND women get some accountability for their sexual activity. How about men AND women stop objectifying each other. How about men AND women start prioritizing their families over work. How about men AND women stop being crude. Instead of working to make both men and women awful, let’s work to make both men and women great.

Evil Triumphs When Men Do Bad, Stupid, or Ineffective Things

“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” ~Edmund Burke

This quote has begun to annoy me immensely. I’ve seen it used by conservatives and liberals alike as a rallying cry for political action. Yet usually the call for action of conservatives is to counteract whatever cause liberals want “good men” to act on. So who is good, and what is evil?

There are so many assumptions in this quote that are almost hardly ever true — 1) They, (the quoter) are good 2) Their followers / friend groups are good 3) They know what’s evil and what isn’t evil 4) action of any kind by good people can defeat evil.

Prob numero uno: what makes people good? Well… what they do!* So if good men are doing nothing, are they really good? And if good men do something with good intentions that has unintended consequences that end up producing bad, are those good men now bad? Ack, the circularity! Prob numero dos: If good men do “something” that is just all-round ineffective and ends up changing nothing, wouldn’t evil still triumph? Ack, the incompleteness!

Let’s put some of this in more concrete terms and use gun control activists and 2nd amendment supporters as a relevant example. Pro-gunners say “Rise up good men and defend our 2nd amendment rights so we can protect ourselves against the tyranny of government and rando criminals!” and anti-gunnerssay “Rise up good people** and add constraints to the 2nd amendment so the government can protect us from rando criminals!” Both of these groups think they know what the greater evil is, and both of these groups think they are the “good” ones.

Let’s be as generous as possible, and agree that the majority of people that belong to either group truly want a safe society. So who’s evil? Probably neither, really. But if one of those groups does “something,” the other group will very likely see the outcome as evil. And if one of those groups does “nothing,” the other group will think they have defeated evil. Also, let’s say either is right. What do they do? Should pro-gun people run around town shooting their AR-15s in the air to prove a point? Should anti-gun people raid people’s houses, steal their guns, and melt them down to use as gardening tools? Even if neither pro-gun people or anti-gun people are evil, surely you can appreciate how they could both start acting in ways that many people on both sides would see as evil. And evil would triumph.

I guess the main point of this ramble is that there has to be a balance somewhere between passive apathy and taking the time to think about and research 1) what’s really “evil” in any given situation and 2) what sort of action would actually be “good.” There is a difference between stubbornly refusing to act in the face of evil – when there is an obvious good action – and taking time to learn and understand at least *some* of the facets of a really complicated issue. Similarly, there is a difference between acting emotionally, passionately, “spinning your wheels,”etc. and actually doing something effective.

Now the main point of the main point: I want to be willing to consider that the outcome of my actions, no matter how well intended, could be evil. And if I’m going to act, I want to take some time to think about the best course of action — and that will likely involve having non-antagonistic convos with people who do not see the world exactly as I do.

Btdubs I’m not trying to be wishy-washy and say there is no truth or no evil or whatever, but I have Christian friends who would be disgusted by the political actions of my Christian parents, and my parents would be appalled by some of their activism. So especially within this community – which should be empowered by the same Spirit and working toward the same end goal – we should be willing to at least entertain the idea for 30 seconds that we could learn something from our sibs in the Lort!

This is good stuff y’all. I’m going to applaud myself.

😉 Dr. Galloswag out!

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*I actually think that someone’s heart makes them good or evil. But as Jesus said, “you will know [evil men] by their fruit,” and as James said “I will show you my faith BY my good works.” The point is- only God knows what’s truly in our own and others hearts and so we can use people’s behavior as a proxy for where their heart is.

**Because pc, yo

https://www.facebook.com/galloblog/posts/1886692994941355

Just Say No-No to Jo-Jos (How to FIDO, part 1)

When I’m interviewed by the press, a question that comes up often is the ancient and revolutionary technique of FIDOing. As most of you all know,* learning how to FIDO has drastically changed my life. But as my interviewers and fans often ask pleadingly, how exactly does one FIDO? Well luckily for humanity, here’s one solid tater tot of an example for you to tuck away into your mind’s jean pocket.

*drum roll*

Just say No-No to the Jo-Jos in your life. Who are Jo-Jos? In my particular case, Jo-Jos are guys who I dated for very small amounts of time, and then valiantly attempted to remain friends with afterward. As much as it pains me deep in the psoas to admit this, it didn’t work. Usually one of the following happened: 1) we tried to be friends and one of us realized we hated the other (or the disgust was mutual) 2) we didn’t really try to be friends but their very social media presence spiked my blood pressure** 3) now they’re engaged/married and I just feel like a creepy stalker seeing the intimate details of their precious budding ‘ship.

Btdubs, I’m not saying these guys are intentionally trying to be Jo-Jos, but in any case interacting with them tends/ tended to almost always give me bad feels. And life is too short to subject yourself to bad feels just to prove a point to society that you can be friendly-like after being romantical. I will let someone else die on that hill, while I roll around happily in the field of friendship flowers with the sunshine of sincerity beaming down on me.

.. Anyway. So how did I say No-No to these Jo-Jos? First, I went on a social media purge. Unfriended on fb. Blocked on Instagram. Unfollowed on Spotify. Second, I plan to not engage in rando texting with flirty undertones with these Jo-Jos. I’m 2-frickin’-7 years old. Ain’t nobody got time for that. (“Poo or get off the pot,” as they say.) Third, I will not find other creepy ways to stalk them to make sure their post-Galloswag life is appropriately pathetic. No friending their sister so I can cackle over their holiday weight gain when she posts fam pics. No googling to see if they were arrested for excessive public displays of douchery. Heck naw, Jude Law.

Some of you may not be able to relate to this specific example, but everyone has Jo-Jos. If you’re a young stallion of a man, maybe you need to consider saying No-No to some Ho-Hos. If you’re happily married, maybe you need to say No-No to the Psycho you met once at that thing and now wants to tell you how to be a parent. Idk, it is up to you to identify Jo-Jos and initiate operation No-No. Each No-No operation will need to be tailored to your specific needs. The most important thing is that everything rhymes with “O.”

Now Go-Go and be free from Jo-Jos!

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*A brief initiation for the unlearned: “The sophisticated practice of FIDO is the key to not obsessing and making yourself miserable over circumstances and people you cannot control.” – Galloswag, Ph.D.

** because HOW DARE THEY ENJOY THEIR LIFE???

Claire-voyant Speaks: The future of the interwebs

In 57 years when the Galloswag is a zesty, swoll old maid, we’ll look back on these tumultuous times and refer to them as the Wild Wild West of the Interwebs. Right now, anyone can post almost anything willy nilly with very little repercussions. Enjoy the exhilarating freedom while you can, my bold babushkas.

I consider myself to be a bit of a Claire-voyant,* and I see interwepolicing in our future. I betcha the Authorities will set up sites to be more like physical property – some public spaces that pretty much anyone is welcome to wander into, as long as they follow basic rules of conduct. BUT sites with certain types of info will require clearance – or recommendations, maybe – that is based on who you are, your conduct on other sites, your reasons for wanting &/or using the info, and perhaps where you live (e.g. Israel sites may not let Pakistan have access to any of their sites).

I can also see us being restricted to a narrow range of acceptable topics to discuss on social media. Because, you know, triggering, micro-aggressions, image-vomiting of engagements, weddings, and babies, etc. will be psyche-shattering for the milleniascamps.** Instead of Google’s demure suggestions (e.g. “Did you mean ‘Ted Nugent‘?” when you type in “Ted Nugget”), there will be a hyper-aggressive system that liberally auto-corrects our posts (e.g. “You meant to say ‘Thank you for sharing. I respect your opinion.’” when you type “Fudge*** you!”).

My last rando prophetessing: I think social media will be increasingly nosy. Already, my phone will say stuff like “You’re at Times Square, a popular place to post pictures. Want to add one of your own?” In the future it will be like “You haven’t tagged Jo-Jo on any meme posts in a while. Are the two of you still friends?” SPOILER: No! Jo-Jo is dead to me!!!!”

So.. hmm. If I began this post with a clear point, it has been lost. Thus is the life of a Gallosage. I will sacrifice coherence on the altar of brilliant creativity!

But wait! I must say- don’t resign yourself to this invasive interwepolicing. Creeper Ags in Minority Report said it best-

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*teehee

** aka children of millenials.

***Mama sez not to swear.