I don’t like to be dramatic, but I am surrounded by terrorists. Yes, people who strike fear and hatred into even my tenderest of hearts. People who make the world a worse place for everyone.
The most insidious part of it all is that most of these terrorists go unrecognized, and their reign of terror marches on unabashedly. The burden falls on me to call out these commonplace, run-of-the-mill DESTROYERS OF JOY for what they are: every-day terrorists.
Ready? You should take notes.
1) Gym screamers
We’ve all been there – you’re keeping to yourself, being a model gym citizen, and then you hear it – half tortured yet half rapturous, someone is squealing and hollering with each rep. Are they feeling extreme pain? Are they feeling inappropriate pleasure? No one knows exactly, but we all know that we feel wildly uncomfortable.
2) Chronic flakes
Not to be confused with corn flakes, these are those people who take a perverse delight in contacting you regularly to hang out, and then canceling last minute. Cancel once – nbd. Cancel twice – jokes on me. Cancel thrice – leave me be.
3) Eaters of boiled eggs in the work place
Thought sulfur warfare was the stuff of Old Testament curses? Not if your co-worker Brad has rolled out his lean-protein-diet on the cheap.
4) Humorless hacks
Aka, people who don’t laugh at my jokes. Basically useless human beings.
5) People who are beautiful without trying
*incensed, Gallohag sets her 1,394 beauty products on fire*
6) Plate food intermixers
Friend: “Ima just let this bean juice run all up in this here coleslaw..”
These are the top 6. Is it coincidental that if you have three 6s together, you have the el numero de diablo?
If you have additional terrorist types to report, please notify me immediately. Our happiness, nay – our future.. NAY – our children’s happiness in the future with how happy our future was with their happy future !!!! depends on it.
All the intellectual elites know that the interwebs are for destroying everyone who disagrees with you. This comes naturally to people like me who possess superior intelligence and unmatched wit. However, if you’re an averagé civilian, use the following techniques to ensure you are victorious each and every time you debate online.
You may believe that the interwebs are for connecting with old friends, keeping up with your out-of-town family members, or something else equally ridiculous. If so, you are a naïve fool. All the intellectual elites know that the interwebs are for destroying everyone who disagrees with you. This comes naturally to people like me who possess superior intelligence and unmatched wit. However, if you’re an averagé civilian, use the following techniques to ensure you are victorious each and every time you debate online.
1) Use your grammar gun and spelling sword
The first rule of online arguments is that the first person to make a typo loses. The content is irrelevant – if they used “there” instead of “their,” it’s over. Just say, “You mean ‘their’? Lolz, you’re an uneducated buffoon.” BOOM, you win!
2) Abruptly become too mature and busy for the argument
It’s very important you don’t let your opponent get the upper hand. If they start sounding pretty smart and convincing, spontaneously evolve into a mature, working person who does not have time for this nonsense. Make a witty remark about how they must not have a job and exit the conversation with a beautifully crafted spirit of condescension.
3) Name-call them into submission
A timeless online debate technique is to reach deep to your middle school roots and start calling your opponent names. “Libtard” is a great go-to if you’re a conservative arguing with a liberal, and “Ignorant fascist” is an all-purpose name for most conservatives. If it isn’t political, you can never go wrong with “poophead.”
4) Use links and memes instead of your own words
Don’t get suckered into spending a lot of time formulating intelligent arguments. I highly recommend posting links to multiple, lengthy articles in response to your opponents comments. This is brilliant because it makes you look like you are backed by legit data. Plus, there’s a 99% chance no one will actually read the links. Seriously, I once cowed an opponent into silence by rapidly posting 5 links to recipes for different variations of whoopie pies. Memes are also particularly useful. I mean, who can argue against the condescending Willy Wonka?
5) Flood them with a tsunami of words
If all else fails, just make all your comments exceed 1,200 words. The key is to basically drown your opponent with a flood of words that even the most patient of interweb users could never bear to read through and make sense of what you’re saying. This way, no matter how they reply, you can just say “Did you even read my response?” to which they will have to honestly say “no.” And there you go – victory!
There you go! Go get ‘em, little tiger!
DON’T YOU DARE READ THIS WITHOUT LIKING, COMMENTING, OR SHARING, YOU POOPHEAD!!
A recent survey* of single females between the ages of 21-40 uncovered an interesting trend: one of the top reasons that women want to get married, second only to “I need someone to open this jar of pickles,” is to amp up their social media game. “I feel like it’s more acceptable to constantly post pictures of yourself when someone else is in them, and it’s under the guise of praising your spouse,” a survey participant explained. But I think we’d all agree that it’s a little crass to get married for real for the sole purpose of jazzing your social media presence. But I’ve never been one to think inside the box, and I’m deeply sensitive to the needs of the single sisterhood. Therefore, I have crafted a handy template for single women everywhere to advertise for Social Media Husbands. Please feel free to use and adapt as necessary – this is my free gift to you!
WANTED: Male between the ages of 25-35 to serve as Facebook husband. Minimum 5 year commitment, or until procurement of real husband .
Duties and tasks
Must be willing to change profile status to ‘married’
Minimum picture requirements
Couple shots for
Every time we eat a meal together
1 “just cause” photo shoot with matching white polos and khakis 1x/year
Inappropriately intimate pic of female sleeping 2x/year
Silly Snapchat face swap 2x/month
Candid shot of female with accompanying flattery and praise 2x/week
Must understand importance of filters that make female look better
Minimum posting requirements
Effusive post praising the sacrificial, ultra-spiritual heart of female 3x/week
React positively to every post of female
Like every one of female’s comments on other users’ posts
Support female in social media battles
Skin tone needs to complement female’s
Height needs to exceed height of female when wearing 4″ heels
Weight needs to be 30-60 lbs over female’s weight
Eyes need to shine with goodness and humility
Attractiveness needs to be above average, but not so attractive that female seems less attractive by comparison
Please submit applications via direct message. Only applications that include 1) head shot 2) cover letter 3) instagram portfolio will be considered.
I talk a lot about how to Forget It and Drive On (aka FIDO), but I was recently convicted about how narrow minded I have been. Some of you don’t feel like FIDOing, but want to Remember and Stay Here (RASH). In honor of symmetry and inclusivity, I’m offering 10 steps that are guaranteed to kick any efforts at FIDOing right where it hurts. This is especially helpful for RASHing when it comes to romantical angst. Lean in and listen up!
1) Talk about your heart break obsessively
Talk about it with your mom, sister, friends, hairstylist, Trader Joe’s cashier.. Don’t be duped by sneaky changes of subject – whenever anyone tries to distract you and talk about something uplifting, skillfully work around that positivity and drive your depressing convo down the court (SPORTS REFERENCE!! WHAT?!).
2) Create shrines in physical space
Did you used to get frosty’s with your ex-bf at your neighborhood Wendy’s? Make sure you declare this space Sacred and try to create as few new memories there as possible. That way, if/when you do find yourself at that Wendy’s, you can be flooded with memories of that person. When the moment is right, make sure you confide quietly to your friend group, “I’m sorry.. it’s just that.. we always used to come here for Frosty Friday.” Then let a gentle river of tears run down your cheeks. Quiver your lips for extra effect.
3) Picture obsess
Don’t let personal time go to waste doing anything productive or refreshing. Jump on the interwebs, and go through every picture you and your past love ever took together – especially ones that mark momentous occasions (e.g. the first night you kissed). Zoom in on the person’s face. Think about how great you looked together. Print out the pic that brings back the most painful, bittersweet memories, and post on your ceiling so it’s the first thing you see every morning.
4) Define yourself by your pain
It’s important to make sure that this event defines you. You are no longer a 27 year old female with a PhD, you are a heart-broken 27 year old female with a PhD.
5) Never stop asking “But.. Why???!”
Make every attempt to understand every action and intent that led to the situation. Whatever you do, never think to yourself “I may never know – that person’s behavior and those events could have arisen for several different reasons, and that’s okay.” No ma’am! It is *not* okay! I suggest making a string-conspiracy board to figure it out.
6) Revel in the drama
Whether you’re feeling sad, mad, guilty, jealous, etc., make sure you just dive headfirst in that ocean of dramatic feels. Make it clear to everyone that you are A LITTLE EMOTIONAL RIGHT NOW. One of my fave ways to do this is to post cryptic, depressing status updates on social media.
7) Split your life epochs around the event / person
Thinking about your life in years, education (e.g. high school, college, grad school), or jobs will not do. The period of your life before you dated Jo-Jo is now “Pre- Jo-Jo” and the time after “Post- Jo-Jo”. Everything hinges on this event. It has split your heart, therefore it must split your life.
8) Refuse to cut your losses or accept that you may have been snookered (aka taken advantage of)
If you think someone wronged you, obsess over how you could have avoided the situation in the first place, how you can seek revenge, or how you can avoid EVER being taken advantage of again. Bonus: guaranteed to ruin all future relationships, romantic or otherwise!
9) Make playlist of feelsy music
Think along the lines of James Blunt’s “Goodbye my Lover.” Whatever music gives you the feels and reminds you of the person, play it loud, play it proud, play it on a loop.
10) Binge watch movies and TV shows that give you the feels
Similarly, stick in that rom com or rom dram that reminds you the most of your relationship when it was happy, and let your ticker marinate in the misery. Think about how your reality was so close to whichever fictional story. Decide that you deserve for that fictional story to be your life.
Good luck, RASHers! Let me know how this goes for you!
Have any more useful RASH tips? Please send them into me!
Do you find yourself wondering often about what your wife is actually thinking? Would you like to know if Jo-Jo’s flirtations mean he likes you? Is your boyfriend’s odd change in behavior a sign that he’s cheating on you? Don’t spend another minute worrying your pretty little noggin’!! I have come up with a revolutionary way to discover EVERYTHING you’ve ever wondered about your significant other (or bae* as the youths say)!!!
This man suspects his girlfriend is cheating to him high and to the right.
This woman thinks her husband may have hidden his mistress, also high and to the right.
How to know if he/she is cheating on you
Step 1: Ask, “Are you cheating on me?”
How to know if he/she is THINKING about cheating on you
Step 1: Ask, “Are you thinking about cheating on me?”
How to know if he/she is actually into you
Step 1: Ask, “Are you into me?”
How to know what he/she really thinks about your friends
Step 1: Ask, “What do you really think about my friends?”
How to know if he/she loves you
Step 1: Ask, “Do you love me?”
How to know if he/she is into your best friend
Step 1: Ask, “Are you into my best friend?”
How to know if he/she is gay/lesbian
Step 1: Ask, “Do you do rows for bros or curls for the girls?”
How to know if he/she is happy
Step 1: Ask, “Are you happy?”
How to know if he/she is psycho
Step 1: Ask, “Have you ever been diagnosed with a psychotic disorder?”
How to know if he/she is serious about you
Step 1: Ask, “Are you serious about me?”
How to know if he/she wants to marry you
Step 1: Ask, “Would you ever want to marry me?”
This plan is stunning in its simplicity, and breathtaking in its effectiveness!** No more watching for those 4, 8, 23, or 7,322 “signs that your significant other is _________” No background experience in lie detection, manipulation, or advanced degree in subtle body language required. Open to all mature adults with the ability to speak, write, or thematically dance.
Don’t delay – Ask now!
— EDITORIAL NOTES —
*As of 2016. If I know about it, it’s probably not tubular anymore.
**I know some of you may be thinking “Galloswag, you fool – some people lie!” And Galloswag sez, “If you don’t trust someone enough to answer these questions honestly, I highly recommend running away as fast as you can.” Not to mention — some of these questions are like, geez, if you’re even ASKING.. run as fast as you can. PLUS, if you ask and they lie, it’s all on them. But until then, if you persist in counting the number of times they blink when they answer, hacking into their snapchat account, or putting up a spy cam in their office – you are probably the problem, not them.
Whenever you think about sharing an open letter — except this one because it’s brilliant — save yourself the self-satisfaction and share a cute cat meme instead.
Last week as I logged onto Facebook and began to scroll through my feed, I saw that one of my evolved white friends shared a post that began with the title “Dear White People..” Being of the Caucasian Persuasion, I squeeled with excitement that someone had a special word for my entire race. As I read through it, I was overwhelmed with how this wise college sophomore understands how to resolve race relations… AND was kind enough to jot out a special note for all 250 million white people in the U.S. “Hmm.. DON’T fly the Confederate flag you say? Interesting..” I murmured as I dutifully made notes. Now, I frequently whip them out before I interact with anyone who doesn’t identify as white, and gee have they helped! Since I stopped trying to relate my struggles with being the only female in my city without a hombre and soft curls to my friend’s struggle growing up black in the South, our convos have gone so much more smoothly. Thanks, author of the Dear White People post!
… in case you’re one of those people who is slow to pick up tone from written word, the paragraph above was written in the key of sarcasm. Listen, I get it. It’s frustrating when you have all the answers and know how an entire group- whether it be Christians, Clinton voters, men, BLM activists, millenials, or alpaca groomers- should behave. Kudos to you for figuring it all out. But you may want to consider the fact that no one is going to be won over by a condescending post that is being shared among an echo-chamber of friends who already agree with the content of the letter anyway. Even if you have a diverse group of fb friends, trust the Galloswag – if they haven’t already unfollowed you, they’re still going to ignore or be offended by your post.
Whenever you think about sharing an open letter — except this one because it’s brilliant — save yourself the self-satisfaction and share a cute cat meme instead. Let’s make Facebook great again and go back to poking each other, complaining about work and school, and openly flirting on each other’s walls.