galloblog

Christmas is blue without the rhythms

When I was younger, the entire season of Christmas was full of twinkly magic. Seriously, I remember feeling this warmth and lightness in my heart for at least a week or two before Christmas. I’m not sure exactly when it happened, but when I reached a certain age- probably 16 or 17- I remember being aghast that the warm fuzzies were no longer with me.

Actual pic of me as a little girl! Jk (pixabay image)

Now, I’m sad to admit, I can understand why some people hate the holidays. I don’t even have to deal with a horrible family dynamic or extensive travel, but I still get stressed out by the shopping, coordinating of diva schedules, etc.

But, it seems practically insane to be irritated by what is essentially a feast with the people that I love the most.

So what’s the prob, Bob?

Tonight I was watching this Amazon Prime documentary The Science of Fasting. Yep, this is how I spend my evenings these days. It was a little bit too big-Pharma-conspiracy-theorist for my taste, but it did have some pretty compelling evidence that fasting can be healing and restorative. Anyway, it made me think about how fasting was a given in the Biblical times. And that made me think about how feasting was not simply tolerated in the Old Testament law, but required! So that makes me think that both fasting and feasting are spiritually healthy.

And THAT made me think about something I read in this book Sacred Rhythms. It was actually talking about Sabbath, and how important it was to have rhythms in your life of work and rest. Truth! 🙌 It’s both mentally and physically straining to work constantly, but for me resting when I have nothing to rest from is actually the most straining of all. They’re best when they go together- work can be a delicious challenge if I’m coming from happy rest, and rest is sweet when I’ve had a productive work week.

So, bringing this wild thought train back to feasting, fasting, and the holiday blues…

I think at least one reason why the holidays, Christmas especially, don’t seem special anymore is because they’re not special anymore. We are surrounded by, or 3 min and $3 away from, large quantities of palpable food pretty much all the time, and we already immediately buy anything and everything that we want.

We’ve made Christmas into a Santa-themed continuation of our already feast-y lifestyles .

I realize this is probably coming out pretty dour, but I don’t mean it to be. This is more of a reflection on how my year-long indulgences can ultimately be joy-zapping. I wasn’t made to indulge. I was made to work, sacrifice, give, etc.

So…. Me thinks I need to take this rhythms/seasons ideer more seriously, oui? Maybe if I had the Christmas spirit of sacrificial giving year around, the Christmas feasts would fit perfectly into that rhythm. TBD if the twinkle magic will also return. A gal can dream! 😴🌠😍

background-2908901_1280 — Please come back, Christmas twinkles! (pixabay image)

Feliz Navidad! 🎅

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

Please note that I recognize that Christmas is the celebration of the birth of Christ. I hope that this post did not make anyone think otherwise. But whether or not you are a Christian, Christmas traditionally also involves a celebratory feast. And it is the lack of joy in that feast that got me thinking about feasts generally and their purpose and why I and many others can be total jerks about what are supposed to be joyous events! Thank you for your understanding, and God bless America.

Free yo’self from holiday cooking obligations

The holidays are supposed to be a holly-jolly time with loved ones, but they can also be a hairy-scary time with pinterest as you frantically try to whip up some rum-spiked eggnog cake with peppermint frosting.

gingerbread-house-196461 — For realz, what kind of kitchen-bully would make something like this to shame the rest of us?! (pixabay free image)

Galloswag is here to declare: Don’t let your ability to make merry be sabotaged by the culinary pressures of the holiday season! I have a few tricks up my sleeve that are guaranteed to release you completely from all of the stress, fatigue, time, money, and emotional breakdowns that inevitably occur during holiday food preparations.

What’s the secret? Well, just between you and me…

The secret is to get all your friends and family to stop asking you to bring food to any holiday gatherings.

Sounds to good to be true?? Read and learn, my friends — read and learn!!! These are tried-and-true methods that either I or my family members have empirically tested and proven to be successful.

· Make your dishes memorably terrible

o You can’t half-ass this, folks. I’m not talking about rolling up to Christmas dinner with an underwhelming pot of green beans. The key here is to make a strong, negative impression on all the guests. One of my personal favorites is leave out whichever ingredients make the dish good. For example – mom asks me to make some homemade hot cocoa? Sure thing, but I’ll leave out the sugar. My aunt needs me to whip up a batch of mashed potatoes? Gladly, but those taters will arrive sans buerre.

o A second technique that is a nuanced yet sophisticated variation of the “leave out the gooduns” described above was perfected by my brother. He doesn’t just leave out what’s good, he leaves out what makes the dish the dish. Yep — leave pumpkin out of the pumpkin pie and chuckle to yourself as your family reels in shock.

o Third, simply omit important steps of the recipe process. All the ingredients are there, but you masterfully manage to still ruin the texture somehow. A simple example of this is to not drain pasta before mixing in the sauce. Turn that mac ‘n cheese into a watery soup with floating pieces of pasta and just a subtle hint of velveeta. They will be incensed!

o If passive omission isn’t quite your style, you can always aggressively substitute ingredients until the entire dish is unrecognizable. Trade that butter for apple sauce, sugar for molasses, pasta for potatoes, cilantro for parsley, and pretty soon you will have a disastrous cacophony of flavors that is sure to distress the most appeasable of palates.

· Insist on making the main dish, but then show up 3 hours late.

o This is advanced technique that can only work if you are a central figure in the family. If you are the rando fiancé of the weird cousin that lives far away, this is too bold for you. If you have a mind for long-term strategy, the key is to spend the other 364 days of the year tricking your family into believing you are dependable enough to carry the weight of the main dish. Then, take that trust and crush it under your heel as the bellies of your family members ache with hunger.

· … I wish I had 3 points, but I don’t. This is a cotton-pickin’ blog, not Southern Living! Gah!

Alright, I’ve given you the tools — it’s up to you to use them skillfully. Work on one or two of these techniques now so you’ll never have to work another holiday again!

Isn’t it beautiful?? Make sure your relatives never burden you with the weight of their unattainably culinary standards ever again! (pixabay free image)

Feliz navidad!

Why I called off my engagement to John Crist

Dearest readers, it has been a tumultuous few weeks. My courtship with John Crist began slowly, like a lovely, delicate rose unfolding in the enchanted glow of the rising sun. He made me think, he made me laugh. He sent notifications to my YouTube account specifically whenever he uploaded a new video. So intentional! ❤ Even from those hauntingly brief video clips, I was getting delicious tastes of his soul. Then I discovered that our childhoods were so similar that we’re essentially one person in two bodies. We both grew up 1) homeschooled 2) christian 3) in the same metro-area in the southern US 4) with political parents. You may not believe this, but we also have 5) a similar shade of brown hair. Coincidence…? Um, sure —- If God’s divine hand is coincidence!

The tender bud of love really evolved into a mature bloom when he traveled all the way across the country to visit my city. When I went to his comedy show, I could tell he was bewitched by my modest beauty because he gazed longingly in my direction whenever he said the punchline to a joke. I sat there with my hands clasped nervously to my bosom, feeling my heart beating wildly. I also took Desiring God’s online quiz to evaluate relationship compatibility, and we were matched as Ruth and Boaz Compatibility. Huzzah! I proposed to him publicly, and publicly accepted my proposal on his behalf. Yowza! Now the petals of love were blowing wildly in the winds of whirly-twirly romance!

But then.. those same petals – once so plump and full of life and energy – fell to the ground and were smushed by the heel of sorrowful reality.

rose-1226966 — Smushed. 😥 (pixabay free image)

What happened? Well for one, he did nothing to guard my heart. He never once clarified our relationship, or let it progress at a healthy speed (many Christian relationship experts recommend one chaperoned date per month for the first two years). Instead, he sent me video after video after video, letting me fall more and more and more in love with him. I was a helpless victim to his romantic advances.

And then, he betrayed me. I discovered this during a lunch date with my friend Amber. We were both happily chatting about our men, and then we discovered “our men” was one man — John Crist. Apparently, this Casanova had been sending her personal YouTube notifications, too – during the exact same time period.

The final smush to our love-rose came when I discovered that he stole from me. Imagine the pain that lacerated my heart when I saw that he took the humor thesis of one of Galloblog’s about nothing posts and made a meme from it… giving me no credit whatsoever. What made this betrayal especially ironic was that the entire joke centered around sharing memes being an expression of love! I can only use reverse logic then, to conclude that stealing a meme is an expression of .. not even hate.. but indifference! Indifference to our engagement! Our love! Our future little Gallocrists!

IMG_20171126_210910 — It hurts me to even look at it. Heartless bastard! *throws a random dinner plate*

Needless to say, the engagement is off. I plan to roam around the streets of Atlanta aimlessly for the remainder of my brief time here on earth. I will carry with me a smushed rose always, as a symbol of the Smushed Love Rose of John Crist. Once one has loved so deeply.. so wholly, once cannot simply pick up the cracked pottery of one’s life and create a functional life vase.

Forever yours in sorrow,

Gallosad 😥

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

03/12/2018 9:16 AM EST: It has come to my attention that “is John Crist engaged” is my #1 search term, so I’m guessing if you’re reading this, you are a hopeful fan girl in a deep interwebz investigation to determine if you have a shot with Christianity’s golden boy of comedy. So please note that I wrote this post as an inside joke between me and my friends, and it was never meant to inform the general public about his relationship status. Is John Crist engaged?! For sure no 😉

… btdubs, while you’re here you should read some of my other stuff — like, comment, follow, share, etc… it’s the Christian thing to do 😉 😉 😉

Stuffz Gallo Likes Episode 1: How John Crist encouraged me to blog with wild abandon

John Crist info page

John Crist v. Trey Kennedy: A fangirl’s guide

No one likes a petty-pooper

Before I get started, I must apologize for the title. I really struggled with this one, y’all. Sometimes the clever muse is not with me. 😥

I have had a *most* difficult time lately not being petty. The word petty is derived from the French word, “petit,”* which simply means “small.” And that’s really what pettiness is – letting yourself get upset over small, unimportant things. Things like..

…when that girl suggested that my romantical woes might be linked to my minimal make-up, or in other words “maybe you ugly?” **

…or when that fb friend kept on passive-aggressively liking the comments of someone I was arguing with on the interwebs…

… or when that family member shares a million memes per day but never shares my blog posts…

You get the point. As embarrassing as it is to admit, all of these are examples of things that have legitimately bothered me IRL in the past year. Frankly, I’m beginning to think my tendency to be preoccupied with these small offenses isn’t just lamé, it’s evil.

I said it! EVIL.

Mean-Girls — Pettiness probably peaks in high school, amiright? (stolen from a rando blog, who probably stole it from someone else — PLEASE DON’T BE PETTY AND SUE ME!)

If that seems a little extreme, hear me out. In his book The Good Samaritan Strikes Again, Patrick McManus proposes a theory that, although it’s almost been 20 years since I read the book, permanently lodged itself into my brainz because it was so brilliant.

I have this theory that people possess a certain capacity for worry, no more, no less. It’s as though a person has a little psychic box that he feels compelled to keep filled with worries. When one worry disappears from the box, he immediately replaces it with another worry, so the box is always full. He is never short of worries. If a new crop of worries comes in, the person sorts through the box for lesser worries and kicks them out, until he has enough room for the new worries. The lesser worries just lie around on the floor, until there’s room in the box for them again, and then they’re put back in. They’re welcomed by the worries that have been in the box all the time: “Hi, guys! Good to have you back. Boy, you should have seen the duds that just left. And they had the nerve to call themselves worries!” – Patrick McManus

We can only concern ourselves with so much. There’s an opportunity cost to pettiness – every time I choose to latch onto small things that nick my pride and hurt my feels, I sacrifice an opportunity to latch onto big things. Big things.. like the feels of others.

Seriously – that is the golden rule, is it not?

So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets. – Jesus, in Matthew 7:12

So there is a silver lining in all of this— I already have a breathtaking ability to latch onto small details, and an exquisite sensitivity to what might be offensive or rude! Imagine – just imagine! – if I channeled this for other people! What if I started noticing when other people were uncomfortable and did small things to help them relax? What if I realized when I was being a rude arse and apologized before it became a big deal?

But my worry box is only so big. So if I’m all wrapped up in myself – completely tuned into how I feel, and whether or not I’m offended, and all other things me me me, I have zero capacity to focus on anyone besides myself.

So yas. It’s not a small thing to be petty. I have to choose, I s’pose. It’s me or all of you.

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*I just made this up, but it’s probably true. Ask the google machine, if you DARE!

**I wish I made that up, but it’s true. Don’t.. be… petty…

Rep. Allen Peake casts vision for GA Thanksgivings: “Some Pot in Every Turkey”

ATLANTA- State Rep. Allen Peake (R-Macon) is becoming a household name for being a trailblazer for legalizing medicinal marijuana. Earlier this year, he scored a major victory when GA Gov. Nathan Deal signed a bill expanding which diseases could be legally treated with oils derived from marijuana.

But in a recent speech, Rep. Peake revealed a bigger, more radical vision he has for the role of marijuana in the lives of Georgia citizens.

Remember, everyone – anything and everything that grows from the ground is healthy to put into your body!! #science (pixabay free image)

“Just imagine,” he cried, waving his arms excitedly, “if every citizen in Georgia had the freedom to stuff their turkeys with pot!”

celebration-315079 — Imagine if instead of parsley, that was a little marijuana sprig!!!! (pixabay free image)

In a follow-up interview, Rep. Peake revealed it was his love for children that drove his vision. He hopes that all children in Georgia will have the chance to smoke the wacky tobaccy before they graduate high school.

“It’s about them,” he insisted, tears welling in his eyes. “Everything I do is for the children.”

Rep. Peake disclosed that stage 1 of his plan will be to infiltrate elementary schools with information on what a natural and healthy alternative that marijuana is to Ritalin, a common drug used to treat ADHD. “Can’t focus in school? Throw out that synthetic poison and pick up some giggle sticks instead! Your grades won’t improve, but you won’t care!”

It will be interesting to see how this new plan will be received by his conservative base, but Rep. Peake is hoping that he can still any objections by slipping them some of the good stuff. “If you can’t beat ’em, joint ’em!” he giggled. I giggled too.. not sure why, and I don’t think I care anymore. Also, does anyone have any Oreos?

AUTOINTERVIEW: Renowned blogger shares her most intimate secrets with herself, and then you

This isn’t me (or is it…????) but…. close enough (pixabay free image)

Believe it or not, Fall 2017 marked the passing of wee lil’ Galloblog from infancy into toddlerhood. In a belated celebration of 1 delightful year* of Galloblog’s astounding profundity and comedic brilliance, I wanted to check in with the mastermind of it all- Dr. Galloswag herself. After much coaxing and bribery, I convinced the shy, modest she-genius to open up about her hopes and dreams, blogging philosophy, recent felony conviction**, and more!

Q. You often begin your blogs with stories that lead into your main point. Are these all real stories?

A. Ha, well- usually. Sometimes my stories are mash-ups of my own experiences and the experiences of my friends. Or sometimes if something happened to me, I’ll write about it as if it’s a general phenomenon, or it happened to one of my friends — you know, just to give me a false sense of privacy. 😀 😀 😀

Q. Why do you write about being single so much? Are you desperate?

A. Wellll the answer to this question is two-fold. One, I write about singleness, dating, and relationships in probably less than half of my posts – but no one reads those. So the posts that actually register on your news feed are more likely to be the romantically-themed posts, because you nosy bastards are more likely to react, comment, share etc. those. I’m not obsessed, YOU ALL ARE OBSESSED. Two, I do like to write about being single – especially as a Christian, conservative (in a Rand Paul way), smarty-pants, late-twenties female in the south. I think it’s one of the few topic areas that I may actually have something unique and original to contribute. I care about many, many other things – politics, fitness, travel, black bean brownie recipes – but all of those topics have been covered ad nauseam in bloggo world. I also like to think young females ~10-15 years younger than me may read my stuff and be inspired to avoid the absurd, idiotic situations I’ve gotten myself into. I suppose I see myself as a potential interweb big sister. Looks out into the distance heroically

Q. If you could have dinner with three people, who would it be?

A. Easy! Brandon Sanderson (the best sci-fi/fantasy author in the worrrrllllldddd!!), Jimmy Fallon, and Tim Keller (duh).

Q. Why do you blog about your faith so much? Do you fancy yourself a priestess or something?

A. Ahh, no. BUT, one of the many reasons I like to write about my faith is because although there are so so so many blogs about Christianity – especially written by women for women – they all take themselves so golly-derned seriously. I think it may be good for the world to know that there are Christian women out there who love Jesus and have struggles and sometimes feel inadequate and blah blah blah, but can also snort-laugh at themselves and aren’t constantly indulging in spiritual navel-gazing.

Q. Which posts are you most and least proud of?

A. All my blogs are my little thought-babies, so it’s hard to pick. Hmm although it was not the most popular by any means, one of my favorite posts is Chronic smoker grateful for support of Alternative Health Community. No one really got it besides my mom, but I think it’s one of those posts that “those with ears to hear” will hear. As for my least favorite, the one and only post I have removed was about “The Honest PhDs Resume.” It was too pouty and negs, and I didn’t want potential employers finding it.

Q. How long will Galloblog blaze on?

A. For as long as I get kicks and giggles from it. My only rule for this blog is that the content has to flow from my brainz to my fingerz to the interwebz to your brainz like an easy, smooth, riviere des mots. As soon as I start stressing about it or feel stilted when I try to write stuff, this sucker is going down to Chinatown.

Q. What’s your biggest hope for Galloblog?

A. That John Crist will read it and fall in love with my mind, and then stalk me on social media and fall in love with my strong selfie-game, and then fly me out to LA to be his life comedy partner. ❤

With that, Galloswag jumped out of her chair, sprinted across the room and out the window to fight fascism, unrealistic beauty standards for women, and gluten.

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*.. and a few months.. I wrote this post out with pen and paper a loooong time ago at a coffee shop and forgot all about it.. whoops

**Content removed at Gallolawyers request.

Christian singles: It’s time to put your sins to good use!

This is a self-help post for Christians who may still not have a great grasp on how many church cultures operate (bless your hearts!).

Do you think that church small groups are for building community, keeping each other accountable, learning about the word of God, and spurring each other on to good works?

Think again!

Church small groups are for meeting your future spouse.

bride-454144 — Eyes on the prize, y’all — *eyes on the prize!!!!* (pixabay free image)

Nothing more, nothing less. So let’s get the obvious out of the way so we can talk strategy. You need to appear deep (really, almost tortured is best if you’re a guy) and Godly (don’t forget to quote those Pauline scriptures!) at all times. But there’s a third, crucial element that will really kick your marriageability into high-gear: Tasteful vulnerability.

How do you get there? Well, the easiest way is through confessing your sins. What’s more vulnerable than admitting to a group of mixed-sex peers that you ride the struggle bus sometimes? **BUT** it’s important that you are vulnerable in a kinda sexy, mysterious way, not icky, pathetic way.

Share the right sort of sins for the right sort of vulnerability!

MEN: Never confess porn addiction or laziness. Sexual sins are too PG-13 for the ladies in this crowd, and revealing your lack of ambition will only reinforce their fears that they really will be stuck teaching the 3rd grade for the rest of their lives. No no no.

The tasteful vulnerable zone, for men: Confess your sin of pride. It will make you seem humble, yet also offer a tantalizing hint that you have many, many things to be prideful about.

WOMEN: Never confess doubt or gluttony. These dudes are looking for moms to rear their perfect children, and they aren’t going to risk you turning pago after a bun has started cooking in the oven. The glutton thing will just give men visions of your inevitable middle-aged-onset obesity… Not exactly a picture that will make them rush to Jared.

The tasteful vulnerable zone, for women: Confess your sin of perfectionism. It will make you seem humble, yet also establish that you are, after all, kinda perfect.

Follow these guidelines and I guarantee that you will be in a state of matrimonial bliss within one year! Remember – save the weird stuff for marriage counseling, and let your selective vulnerability score you a mate NOW!

I don’t care what you believe if I don’t like who you are

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about why exactly I’m a Christian.* And I don’t mean I’ve been thinking about why “one” in the general sense would be a Christian, I mean why I have the faith. So, I’m not going to present a hole-proof outline of all the philosophical or historical arguments for Christianity. Those are important, but when it comes down to it… my reasons for believing are rather idiosyncratic, with a smidge of touchy-feely. But hey! I betcha if you had to break down specifically why you loved your bae specifically, you would get pretty touch-feely, too. So cool it!

Anyway, a large part of why I believe is the character of some of the people that I know who believe. Not all of them are perfect, and to be sure some of the people who I know are Christian – whether nominally or “for realz” is beyond me – are not particularly encouraging to my faith.

*But* there are some people who I just can’t not believe when I think about them.

Why?

1) They are smart. They can use logic. They aren’t overwhelmed by complexity. They can understand and consider the merits of opposing views even if they ultimately reject them.

2) They are wise. They use their resources appropriately, without crossing over into (paradoxically) self-aggrandizing asceticism. They frequently have and facilitate conversations that lead to reconciliation, instead of stubbornly and foolishly escalating every conflict that comes their way.

3) They are kind and joyful. When they smile at me, their eyes reflect the warmth straight from their lil’ cinnamon bun hearts. I always feel encouraged and more energetic after I talk to them.

pastries-2208050 — Bless their ooey-gooey, warm, sweet hearts! (pixabay free image)

4) They are good. I feel like “good” can be seen as a weak word, but it’s absolutely perfect for these people. It’s unassuming, yet solid.. and true. The output of their lives is just … good. Or put in negative terms, the output of their lives is NOT bad.

5) Their families thrive. I don’t know if I can emphasize this enough. There are so many people who are super impressive in various ways, yet the people who are closest to them – who are most affected by the day-to-day decisions of their lives – are miserable train wrecks.** But these people’s families are – although far from perfect – functional, balanced, healthy.

There’s probably more, but my attention span is wavering, and I’m the one writing all of this! My point is, all the 5 points above coalesce into a loveliness that makes me… long. Yes, long! I want to be like them. Not in a jealous, creeper way, but in a hopeful way. Seeing them live this way — inspite of our world being an absolute shoot-hole sometimes — is very bolstering. And lo and behold, what drives this sort of behavior? Well, they would say their faith in Jesus.

Now, I’m sure there are also some Buddhists, Hindus, Muslims, etc. who are also admirable. So here we get into an phrase that is used ad nauseam in academic circles – neccesary but not sufficient. Good character is necessary, but not sufficient, for me to be open to hearing their world view. Does admiring someone’s character mean that I have to accept their entire worldview? No, I s’pose not. But it does mean that I will at least be open to listening to and considering their worldview, and find out what’s driving their amazingness. THEN I will also look into things like logical consistency, historicity, etc.

On the flip side, if someone is living a life that seems out of control, toxic, and damaging to the people around them, I don’t particularly care to hear their spiritual or theological musings. I may listen respectfully for a few minutes, but at the end of the day I’m kinda like, “It’s nice to know which underlying worldview makes you a jerk.” That may sound kinda harsh, but… amiright?!

president-1822449 — I’m going to wager a guess that this chic doesn’t have the character clout with these dudes to tell them nuffin’! (pixabay free image)

Why I wanted to write about this is two-fold. One, it’s convicting. Am I living a life that is attractive to people, that they would even want to hear what I believe? Or are they thinking, “Yah ok, let me know when your Jesus helps you not be a self-absorbed a-hole.” Two, it’s clarifying. With all the worldviews and opinions being thrown around, sometimes it’s easy to get overwhelmed with which one(s) is/are true. My advice is to “clear the field” of ideas*** by focusing on the beliefs and claims of people that you actually admire and want to emulate. TRUST ME, there are so few that this will free your time considerably.

Alrighty! Go find yourselves people worth ‘mirin’! And Holy Spirit, help us be people worth ‘mirin’!

❤

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*It would be a lot easier for me if I wasn’t. Neuroscientists are not exactly impressed by Christianity. Also, dating would be much smoother. #sacrifices

**Not that everyone should be held responsible for all the actions of their children, spouses, close family members, etc., but if practically everyone close to you is in a state of chaotic self-destruction, that’s should be a huge, blinky-light sign that there is some sort of toxicity in your interactions. Conversely, if practically everyone close to you is flourishing like strong, well-nourished alabaster trees, it’s a perty good indication that you are creating environments that enable people to be their best.

***Remember I’m talking about general worldview / theological / spiritual beliefs and opinions. Obvs, someone with terrible character is quite capable of having brilliant insights into how brain networks interact to support memory, how isolationism affected the U.S. economy, etc., and their ideas on these sort of subjects may be worth considering. even if you want to punch them in the face afterward.

Why I decided to take a step back from Galloblog

Friends, family, random interweb creepers, and international bots— you may have noticed that my rate of publishing has decreased dramatically.

It’s mainly bc I have no more ideas worth sharing.

I’m tired of posting things just for attention.

I don’t have anymore random thoughts that make me laugh, that I feel compelled to share with you.

I’ve matured past using this blog to procrastinate.

…

*laughs uproariously*

Basically all of that is false.. The strange truth is, I haven’t had a laptop since I quit my last postdoc, and until my new one comes in, I’m bumbling around on my tablet. It is a huge pain .. This one dumb post has taken me like 26 minutes and 33 seconds to write. NOT WORTH THE EFFORT, know what I mean green bean?!

Until my amazin’ raisin laptop comes in…

Yours (yes, you!!) forever (!),

Galloswag

The War on Hugs

I’m a southerner. I hug. I hug my family members, my friends, distant acquaintances, and dogs.

cat-2640940_640 — See, even cats give full frontal hugs. It’s in nature, therefore it’s natural, therefore it’s correct. #science #logic #irrefutable

It wasn’t until I was in my teens that I realized some people consider a full frontal hug not as a friendly greeting or farewell but as …. [cringe] a sensual* pressing/rubbing together of bodies.

And in a sad effort to avoid the possibility of sensuality, the ever-polular but lamé side hug was awkwardly birthed. Ayiyiyiyi. From my #gallopov, a side hug is a gesture that should be saved for probable rapists and TK-haters, not your platonic friends of the opposite sex. The best outcome you can hope for with this pathetic hug sub is a mutual lat rub.**

couple-597174_640 — “Hmm isn’t it nice to rub lats, babe?”

But let’s turn back on the Main St of this post — good ol’ fashioned frontal hugs.

I don’t want to be naïve. I’m sure there are menz (and womenz?!) who legit get, ehh, “excited” by hugs. BUT, even if some do, does that mean all peeps should let those over-sexualized-get-their-thrills-however-they-can-folkz ruin this warm, platonic gesture for everyone?!

Cuz y’all… Pervos roam the Earth without restraint, mmkay? If we let them take our hugs away, soon handshakes will be fetishized. Then we’ll have to shift to tapping elbows as a greeting. (But of course that will need to be monitored closely, as the funny bone area can give some people intriguing sensations.) Where does it end??

At some point, we need to draw a line in the sand and stop letting the most pansexual of us drive our greeting norms. Let’s plant our feet, face each other squarely, and hug like decent humanz!

END THE WAR ON HUGS!!!

OOO,

Galloswag

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*I can’t say that word normally. Even in my head, I always pronounce it “senthual” with a nervous lisp.

**Which SOME people really get off on. #nojudgeo