love – Page 4 – galloblog

How to be emotinally disabled forever

I talk a lot about how to Forget It and Drive On (aka FIDO), but I was recently convicted about how narrow minded I have been. Some of you don’t feel like FIDOing, but want to Remember and Stay Here (RASH). In honor of symmetry and inclusivity, I’m offering 10 steps that are guaranteed to kick any efforts at FIDOing right where it hurts. This is especially helpful for RASHing when it comes to romantical angst. Lean in and listen up!

sad — Poster RASH child. He’s even sitting down. (pixabay free image)

1) Talk about your heart break obsessively

Talk about it with your mom, sister, friends, hairstylist, Trader Joe’s cashier.. Don’t be duped by sneaky changes of subject – whenever anyone tries to distract you and talk about something uplifting, skillfully work around that positivity and drive your depressing convo down the court (SPORTS REFERENCE!! WHAT?!).

2) Create shrines in physical space

Did you used to get frosty’s with your ex-bf at your neighborhood Wendy’s? Make sure you declare this space Sacred and try to create as few new memories there as possible. That way, if/when you do find yourself at that Wendy’s, you can be flooded with memories of that person. When the moment is right, make sure you confide quietly to your friend group, “I’m sorry.. it’s just that.. we always used to come here for Frosty Friday.” Then let a gentle river of tears run down your cheeks. Quiver your lips for extra effect.

3) Picture obsess

depressed2 — Let’s pretend this dude is staring at a picture (pixabay free image)

Don’t let personal time go to waste doing anything productive or refreshing. Jump on the interwebs, and go through every picture you and your past love ever took together – especially ones that mark momentous occasions (e.g. the first night you kissed). Zoom in on the person’s face. Think about how great you looked together. Print out the pic that brings back the most painful, bittersweet memories, and post on your ceiling so it’s the first thing you see every morning.

4) Define yourself by your pain

It’s important to make sure that this event defines you. You are no longer a 27 year old female with a PhD, you are a heart-broken 27 year old female with a PhD.

5) Never stop asking “But.. Why???!”

stringconspiracy — This is the way to understand why she broke up with you. (this is a meme.. surely no copy-right issues here…?? PLEASE DON’T SUE ME)

Make every attempt to understand every action and intent that led to the situation. Whatever you do, never think to yourself “I may never know – that person’s behavior and those events could have arisen for several different reasons, and that’s okay.” No ma’am! It is *not* okay! I suggest making a string-conspiracy board to figure it out.

6) Revel in the drama

depressed — ^sepia is an excellent way to intensify your feels. (pixabay free image)

Whether you’re feeling sad, mad, guilty, jealous, etc., make sure you just dive headfirst in that ocean of dramatic feels. Make it clear to everyone that you are A LITTLE EMOTIONAL RIGHT NOW. One of my fave ways to do this is to post cryptic, depressing status updates on social media.

7) Split your life epochs around the event / person

Thinking about your life in years, education (e.g. high school, college, grad school), or jobs will not do. The period of your life before you dated Jo-Jo is now “Pre- Jo-Jo” and the time after “Post- Jo-Jo”. Everything hinges on this event. It has split your heart, therefore it must split your life.

8) Refuse to cut your losses or accept that you may have been snookered (aka taken advantage of)

If you think someone wronged you, obsess over how you could have avoided the situation in the first place, how you can seek revenge, or how you can avoid EVER being taken advantage of again. Bonus: guaranteed to ruin all future relationships, romantic or otherwise!

9) Make playlist of feelsy music

Think along the lines of James Blunt’s “Goodbye my Lover.” Whatever music gives you the feels and reminds you of the person, play it loud, play it proud, play it on a loop.

10) Binge watch movies and TV shows that give you the feels

Similarly, stick in that rom com or rom dram that reminds you the most of your relationship when it was happy, and let your ticker marinate in the misery. Think about how your reality was so close to whichever fictional story. Decide that you deserve for that fictional story to be your life.

Good luck, RASHers! Let me know how this goes for you!

Have any more useful RASH tips? Please send them into me!

Confused by bae? How to know everything you’ve been wondering about

Do you find yourself wondering often about what your wife is actually thinking? Would you like to know if Jo-Jo’s flirtations mean he likes you? Is your boyfriend’s odd change in behavior a sign that he’s cheating on you? Don’t spend another minute worrying your pretty little noggin’!! I have come up with a revolutionary way to discover EVERYTHING you’ve ever wondered about your significant other (or bae* as the youths say)!!!

This man suspects his girlfriend is cheating to him high and to the right.

This woman thinks her husband may have hidden his mistress, also high and to the right.

How to know if he/she is cheating on you

Step 1: Ask, “Are you cheating on me?”

How to know if he/she is THINKING about cheating on you

Step 1: Ask, “Are you thinking about cheating on me?”

How to know if he/she is actually into you

Step 1: Ask, “Are you into me?”

How to know what he/she really thinks about your friends

Step 1: Ask, “What do you really think about my friends?”

How to know if he/she loves you

Step 1: Ask, “Do you love me?”

How to know if he/she is into your best friend

Step 1: Ask, “Are you into my best friend?”

How to know if he/she is gay/lesbian

Step 1: Ask, “Do you do rows for bros or curls for the girls?”

How to know if he/she is happy

Step 1: Ask, “Are you happy?”

How to know if he/she is psycho

Step 1: Ask, “Have you ever been diagnosed with a psychotic disorder?”

How to know if he/she is serious about you

Step 1: Ask, “Are you serious about me?”

How to know if he/she wants to marry you

Step 1: Ask, “Would you ever want to marry me?”

This plan is stunning in its simplicity, and breathtaking in its effectiveness!** No more watching for those 4, 8, 23, or 7,322 “signs that your significant other is _________” No background experience in lie detection, manipulation, or advanced degree in subtle body language required. Open to all mature adults with the ability to speak, write, or thematically dance.

Don’t delay – Ask now!

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*As of 2016. If I know about it, it’s probably not tubular anymore.

**I know some of you may be thinking “Galloswag, you fool – some people lie!” And Galloswag sez, “If you don’t trust someone enough to answer these questions honestly, I highly recommend running away as fast as you can.” Not to mention — some of these questions are like, geez, if you’re even ASKING.. run as fast as you can. PLUS, if you ask and they lie, it’s all on them. But until then, if you persist in counting the number of times they blink when they answer, hacking into their snapchat account, or putting up a spy cam in their office – you are probably the problem, not them.

No, God did not tell that guy He wants y’all to be together

[NOTE: I don’t harbor any ill will or contempt for the persons mentioned in the story below. But if someone has to go through these insane-o experiences, others might as well learn from them!]

disgust-15793_960_720 — ^How Sydney felt (smoochies to Pixabay for the free image)

So my friend* Sydney found herself in a situation a few years back in which (I believe) a well-intentioned but misguided Christian man was convinced that he and Sydney were supposed to be together. And she just wasn’t feelin’ those kinda feels. But then he played the “but I think this is God’s will,” card and Sydney panicked. She tortured the interwebs with search phrases like “does God want you to date someone you’re not attracted to?” or “is it possible that God will tell one person but not the other that he wants you to be together,” etc. etc. (Google be like “showing results for psychiatrists near you “) She grew agitated with God. Praying didn’t seem safe because she was so afraid God would confirm this .. coming together .. that turned her stomach.** It took several of her Christian mentors looking at her incredulously and saying “No! This guy is trying to manipulate you.“ to keep Sydney from having a major crises of faith. And lo and behold, they were correct. She is single and sassy to this day, y’all! *praise hands*

This wasn’t an isolated event, either – another friend of mine, Kelly, had a similar experience. Another (I believe) well-intentioned but misguided Christian man told her he knew God wanted them to be together AND she should break things off with her fiancé (At least Sydney was single. Geez laweez, Papa Cheese!). Fortunately for everyone, Kelly wasn’t impressed with his claims of divine guidance and held her ground. And lo and behold, now she’s happily married AND the insta-prophet — who was so spiritually arrogant he was willing to basically steal another dude’s betrothed — is now happily engaged to another woman.

So why tell you this? Certainly not to make single Christian men – or Christians generally – look like complete crazies, but to 1) ease the tortured mind of any girls who might be legit confused because someone is using the Holy Spirit to MANIPULATE THEM and 2) to admonish men who have used this this form of spiritual abuse to CHECK THEMSELVES (or if you have brochachos who do, CHECK YOUR BROCHACHOS).

man_with_flowers — ^This guy totes looks the part of a Blasphemous Bobby. (ty for the free image, pixabay!)

Blasphemous Bobbies: if God wants y’all to be together, it will happen. Don’t mistake your shouting hormones with the still, quiet voice of God Almighty. If you think that a girl you’re interested in is not responding to the Cupid nudge of the Holy Spirit, then I would strongly suggest praying that she would hear his voice directly &/or through her spiritual mentors. If it’s divinely ordered, I’m sure He can get the job done without your interference. As Matt Chandler pointed out – taking the Lord’s name in vain is more than saying “Oh my G*d!” but “the heart behind the commandment [you shall not take the Lord’s name in vain] is that God will not be co-opted, and you will not use the authority of the Lord to flex power and manipulate and coerce others“ (12:45 – 13:00). So don’t vainly use God’s name to manipulate some bewildered Christian woman.

Bewildered Betties: although I’m not aware of any biblical precedent for this sort of thing, God is very clear that “[love] does not insist on its own way” (1 Cor 13:4). And if you read the juicy and provocative Song of Songs, it’s pretty clear that the bible celebrates being wildly attracted to your man. So I really, really doubt God will torture you with someone you genuinely find creepy. God is not a bully, and I don’t think he wants you to be with one, either. But neither does the Galloswag want to use the Lord’s name in vain (I mean, God did tell Hosea to marry a whore) so by all means, if you’re in this situation please talk to a lot of mentors. There is wisdom in many counselors (Prov 11:14), but make sure those counselors are legit.

So praise Jesus for fulfilling the Priesthood, Law, AND Prophets so He can communicate it directly to you… and will very likely NOT speak “a word” through Blasphemous Bobby that so conveniently fits his relationship agenda and violates yours.

Hallelujer!

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

* 😉

**Sydney finally said [through gritted teeth] “I’ll do it if you want me too! But Father if there’s ANY other way, take this cup from me.. !” And maybe that surrender is why God allowed all of those shenanigans. But the main point is, no one should subject anyone to this sort of soul torture.

4 Clichés Singles Are Tired of Hearing

stop-1971756_640 — This is literally what you do to us when you say this kind of shoot. (Free image from pixabay)

[Warning: This is mainly written by my perspective as a singleton sischacha. But I think some of it may apply equally to my singleton brochachos.]

1) “Guys are intimidated by you”

Ummmm this is a sweet thought. But given the fact that Beyoncé, Hillary Clinton, Serena Williams, and Sydney Bristow have all managed to find someone, this charming platitude falls flat. Even if it were true, what exactly are we supposed to do with this info? Try giggling vapidly the next time we go on a date? Pretend we’re baristas* instead of pharmacists, post-docs, shooting instructors, etc.? Wear yoga pants and minimal make-up AMAP? I already do the last one, so I can say with 100% certainty that’s not the key.

2) “You’re over-thinking it”

Fabulous. Now we will start thinking about how to not over-think. Or just run away with the first Jo-Jo who comes into our path. Because THAT won’t put us at risk for getting date-raped, recruited to be a trapeze artist in a traveling circus, or in a long-term relationship with a bearded man ( 😉 )! Great idea. We’ll just pop a few Xanax and let what happens, happens. Y’all, check yourselves.

3) “You’re too picky”

This is probably one of the worst things you could ever say to us. You might as well say, “Lower your standards,” or “Stop wanting what you want,” or “You’re pretty much a 6 looking for a 10.” Now, if we have unrealistic expectations, then that may be something to discuss. But “you’re too picky” is just annoying and makes us feel like crap. Plus, aren’t we also intimidating? So how will being less picky (and presumably being open to a lower caste** of men) help with the intimidation factor? The poor fellers might die of a stroke when they find out how wildly hilarious AND smart AND beautiful we are. It wouldn’t be fair to them, really.

4) “He is insane/stupid/gay because he’s not interested in you”

(or my all time favorite “Maybe he has the gift of celibacy…?” Lolz!***) I know y’all are just trying to be kind and helpful. Truly, the sentiment – that no normally functioning straight male could EVER turn down this dynamo package of delectability – is appreciated. BUT, although I’m sure some of us have (unfortunately) dated some who fall into some of these categories, most of the time none of the above are true. Personally, I have awesome man-friends who I don’t want to date, and I hope no one questions my mental health or doubts my sexual orientation because of that. Sometimes, we just don’t got that loving feeling. This is a good thing. Otherwise, we’d all be hopelessly in love with at least 73 people at a given time. *Anyway* One of the best responses to one of my romanticangsts was just a sincere, “That really sucks. I’m sorry,” followed by a huge hug. That’s all we need. Don’t fill our noggins with grandiose and contemptuous ideers. Just pat us on the head and buy us a taco or something.

Conclusion: I REPEAT, PLEASE JUST PAT US ON THE HEAD AND BUY US A TACO

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*This wasn’t a jab at baristas. I just doubt most men are toppled over with fear and insecurity when they meet someone who is a barista. Please call me out if I’m misguided on this.

**I kid, I kid.

***I truly love the person who suggested this. But it did make me laugh hysterically.

Link to the Book of Faces

https://www.facebook.com/galloblog/posts/1895447684065886

Just Say No-No to Jo-Jos (How to FIDO, part 1)

When I’m interviewed by the press, a question that comes up often is the ancient and revolutionary technique of FIDOing. As most of you all know,* learning how to FIDO has drastically changed my life. But as my interviewers and fans often ask pleadingly, how exactly does one FIDO? Well luckily for humanity, here’s one solid tater tot of an example for you to tuck away into your mind’s jean pocket.

*drum roll*

Just say No-No to the Jo-Jos in your life. Who are Jo-Jos? In my particular case, Jo-Jos are guys who I dated for very small amounts of time, and then valiantly attempted to remain friends with afterward. As much as it pains me deep in the psoas to admit this, it didn’t work. Usually one of the following happened: 1) we tried to be friends and one of us realized we hated the other (or the disgust was mutual) 2) we didn’t really try to be friends but their very social media presence spiked my blood pressure** 3) now they’re engaged/married and I just feel like a creepy stalker seeing the intimate details of their precious budding ‘ship.

Btdubs, I’m not saying these guys are intentionally trying to be Jo-Jos, but in any case interacting with them tends/ tended to almost always give me bad feels. And life is too short to subject yourself to bad feels just to prove a point to society that you can be friendly-like after being romantical. I will let someone else die on that hill, while I roll around happily in the field of friendship flowers with the sunshine of sincerity beaming down on me.

.. Anyway. So how did I say No-No to these Jo-Jos? First, I went on a social media purge. Unfriended on fb. Blocked on Instagram. Unfollowed on Spotify. Second, I plan to not engage in rando texting with flirty undertones with these Jo-Jos. I’m 2-frickin’-7 years old. Ain’t nobody got time for that. (“Poo or get off the pot,” as they say.) Third, I will not find other creepy ways to stalk them to make sure their post-Galloswag life is appropriately pathetic. No friending their sister so I can cackle over their holiday weight gain when she posts fam pics. No googling to see if they were arrested for excessive public displays of douchery. Heck naw, Jude Law.

Some of you may not be able to relate to this specific example, but everyone has Jo-Jos. If you’re a young stallion of a man, maybe you need to consider saying No-No to some Ho-Hos. If you’re happily married, maybe you need to say No-No to the Psycho you met once at that thing and now wants to tell you how to be a parent. Idk, it is up to you to identify Jo-Jos and initiate operation No-No. Each No-No operation will need to be tailored to your specific needs. The most important thing is that everything rhymes with “O.”

Now Go-Go and be free from Jo-Jos!

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*A brief initiation for the unlearned: “The sophisticated practice of FIDO is the key to not obsessing and making yourself miserable over circumstances and people you cannot control.” – Galloswag, Ph.D.

** because HOW DARE THEY ENJOY THEIR LIFE???

Single and Dignified: The Valentine’s Day Edition

Being a singleton is a tough gig these days.

Our Moms are furtively creating online dating profiles for us…

pics from our ex’s Cancun weddings are splashing across our FB feed…

our friends have stopped protesting and instead pat our arms sympathetically when we indulge in self-deprecating rants..

andddd we’ve started to wave back encouragingly when randos honk at us.

Indeed, it is difficult, if not impossible, to be Single and Dignified. The Day of Valentine is especially proficient at stripping the dignity from singletons. How should one who flies solo face the barrage of ooey-gooey love-declarations?

Don’t overcompensate. You may be tempted to not just like, but heart all of the social media posts from your couplet friends. You may want to comment “OMG! best couple everrrrr!! #slay.” You may want to post something on your own timeline about how seeing everyone’s couple pic is like a glitter explosion of good feels. Hold the keyboard, Bubbles. You’re going to come across as trying too hard, and these responses will be seen as a valiant but unsuccessful attempt to cover your loneliness.

Don’t be a bitter jerk-face. If you’re a dark soul like myself, you may be tempted to go on a jaded and self-deprecating rant. You may want to troll other people’s pics and leave comments like “OMG! You and Alphonso look great. Almost as great as you and Jo-Jo looked last year.” Or you may be tempted to post a pic of you and your dog, with some statement about how humans can’t be trusted but this little guy has stuck with you through the ages. All of this is unadvisable. Your anger and sarcasm is inappropro, and will probably only result in people pitying you, which will only further enrage you.

Don’t ghost. If you’re very passive, you may be tempted to just avoid all forms of social media. This is not as pathetic as the other options, but it makes you look like a bad sport. Your silence may not be noticed, or people may assume you’re binge-watching rom-coms and crying hysterically, throwing half-eaten chocolate truffles at the screen. Don’t let people’s imaginations wander.

Don’t do Galentine’s Day. Very likely to turn into commiseration and re-hashing of everyone’s last decade of failed relationships.

Don’t get drunk. Expensive. Also, pathetic.

For the love of all human dignity, DO NOT VISIT, CALL, TEXT, EMAIL, FAX, TELEGRAPH, OR SMOKE-SIGNAL YOUR EX.

Do love expansively. A reasonable balance is to re-share a post of your favorite couple, like maybe your parents, and then log-off social media for the rest of the day. Go workout or get a pedicure, and then remember how uninspiring V-Day was even when you were in couplehood. I’ve only been in a relationship one time when ol’ V Day hit, and we went to Longhorn. We chatted about an international trip I was about to embark on. He gave me a card that was uncharacteristically sappy and featured glitter cats, which was puzzling because neither cats nor glitter held a deep meaning for either of us. He didn’t write anything extra in the card, it was simply signed “-Ethan.”* Pretty sure he just grabbed the first pink card he saw. So if you’re feeling morose, just remember that being in a relationship on Valentine’s Day isn’t guaranteed to be all that spectacular anyway. Then call your Grandma or someone who has shown you unconditional love and tell them that you love them. Maybe donate to an organization that actually puts love into action (e.g. International Justice Mission). Maybe contemplate the cross, the greatest act of love in all of history. But don’t over-cheese, don’t be sulky or bitter, don’t hide, and DO NOT CONTACT YOUR EX. Hold your head high, singletons, and love the fact that romantic love is only a very tiny sliver of the love pie.

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent

To the one I love

I love going places with you. Things haven’t been perfect – I’ve beat up on you a little bit, and you’ve let me down a few times. But we always keep moving. We drive on.

Before I found you, I was helpless, frustrated, and a bit desperate. I walked the streets alone.

I never thought that I would end up with someone like you. No one expected for us to really work. “Don’t expect it to last more than a few months,” they told me grimly.

But as soon as I saw you, something clicked. I knew we had to belong to each other.
You were so much more masculine than I expected, but now I wouldn’t have it any other way. We both had pasts – painful, destructive pasts. But where others see imperfections, I see unique history and character that makes you even more perfect to me.

I love going places with you. Things haven’t been perfect – I’ve beat up on you a little bit, and you’ve let me down a few times. But we always keep moving. We drive on.

Every day I fall a little bit more in love with you. You’re fun. Being with you has satisfied a deep longing in my heart I’ve had since middle school. But you’re also reliable, and just comfortable to be around.

I know people don’t understand why we’re together, but I’m in for this ride as long as you are. I can’t wait to find out what adventures we’ll go through next.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, SWEET BABY CAKES!!!

DON’T YOU DARE JUDGE ME! Just kidding 😉

Friend zoned, bro!

If you agreed to wear matching shirts, you def don’t have a chance romantically. AND THAT’S PERFECTLY OKAY

Recently I posed a question to my adoring facebook community :

“If someone is interested in you but you’re 90% sure you’re going to friend zone them, is it more considerate to go on at least one date-like activity to “give it a chance,” or tell them from the very beginning you’re not romantically interested so they don’t waste their time and $?”

Well, this initiated quite the flurry of comments. I was a little dismayed that several commenters ranged from pity to contempt toward the unnamed, potentially friend-zoned man in question. In my mind, friend-zoning should not be seen as some shameful insult. Short of marrying the person, I see a good solid friend-zone as the best possible outcome to hope for.

Think about the scores of people that most single people will date before they find that special someone (if they ever do). We have to assume that there’s a very high likelihood that any given date is not going to be “the one.” If a date ends in “let’s just be friends,” it’s not a horrible failure. It’s an overwhelming success in ruling them out, and saving you precious hours of sad and angry interweb stalking. I’m probably going to be accused of being anti-marriage or a bitter old hag, but I’m totally serious about this: I think it’s almost as equally worthy of celebration to leave a person who is wrong for you than to stay with the person who is right for you.

Please consider this: less romance = less drama = less weirdness post break up = more real friend potential. So, if you become skilled at extracting yourself from cloying romance as quickly as possible, you greatly increase your chances at actually developing a wonderful, joyous, platonic relationship.

**Quick caveat: I’m assuming that friend-zoning actually means the friend-zoner actually does want to be your friend. If they say “let’s be friends,” and mean “please stop talking to me you disgusting creep,” then yes that’s a little shameful. Although still, not the end of the world really. Not everyone is going to be wildly attracted to you, and some people may actually be actively put off by you. Sure, it’s not pleasant – but why waste any more of your time creeping on them and being angry? Do you really wish that you had the secret code of charm and looks to snag someone who was turned off by your SOP? Have some dignity, and save your time for someone who truly appreciates your friendship… or even falls madly in love with you. Either one. (See, I’m not completely bitter.)

😉