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5 techniques to ensure victory in all your online debates

All the intellectual elites know that the interwebs are for destroying everyone who disagrees with you. This comes naturally to people like me who possess superior intelligence and unmatched wit. However, if you’re an averagé civilian, use the following techniques to ensure you are victorious each and every time you debate online.

You may believe that the interwebs are for connecting with old friends, keeping up with your out-of-town family members, or something else equally ridiculous. If so, you are a naïve fool. All the intellectual elites know that the interwebs are for destroying everyone who disagrees with you. This comes naturally to people like me who possess superior intelligence and unmatched wit. However, if you’re an averagé civilian, use the following techniques to ensure you are victorious each and every time you debate online.

1) Use your grammar gun and spelling sword

The first rule of online arguments is that the first person to make a typo loses. The content is irrelevant – if they used “there” instead of “their,” it’s over. Just say, “You mean ‘their’? Lolz, you’re an uneducated buffoon.” BOOM, you win!

2) Abruptly become too mature and busy for the argument

It’s very important you don’t let your opponent get the upper hand. If they start sounding pretty smart and convincing, spontaneously evolve into a mature, working person who does not have time for this nonsense. Make a witty remark about how they must not have a job and exit the conversation with a beautifully crafted spirit of condescension.

3) Name-call them into submission

Poop_Emoji — If short on time, you can always just leave this poop emoji instead of spelling out “poophead”

A timeless online debate technique is to reach deep to your middle school roots and start calling your opponent names. “Libtard” is a great go-to if you’re a conservative arguing with a liberal, and “Ignorant fascist” is an all-purpose name for most conservatives. If it isn’t political, you can never go wrong with “poophead.”

4) Use links and memes instead of your own words

Don’t get suckered into spending a lot of time formulating intelligent arguments. I highly recommend posting links to multiple, lengthy articles in response to your opponents comments. This is brilliant because it makes you look like you are backed by legit data. Plus, there’s a 99% chance no one will actually read the links. Seriously, I once cowed an opponent into silence by rapidly posting 5 links to recipes for different variations of whoopie pies. Memes are also particularly useful. I mean, who can argue against the condescending Willy Wonka?

5) Flood them with a tsunami of words

If all else fails, just make all your comments exceed 1,200 words. The key is to basically drown your opponent with a flood of words that even the most patient of interweb users could never bear to read through and make sense of what you’re saying. This way, no matter how they reply, you can just say “Did you even read my response?” to which they will have to honestly say “no.” And there you go – victory!

There you go! Go get ‘em, little tiger!

DON’T YOU DARE READ THIS WITHOUT LIKING, COMMENTING, OR SHARING, YOU POOPHEAD!!

4 Clichés Singles Are Tired of Hearing

stop-1971756_640 — This is literally what you do to us when you say this kind of shoot. (Free image from pixabay)

[Warning: This is mainly written by my perspective as a singleton sischacha. But I think some of it may apply equally to my singleton brochachos.]

1) “Guys are intimidated by you”

Ummmm this is a sweet thought. But given the fact that Beyoncé, Hillary Clinton, Serena Williams, and Sydney Bristow have all managed to find someone, this charming platitude falls flat. Even if it were true, what exactly are we supposed to do with this info? Try giggling vapidly the next time we go on a date? Pretend we’re baristas* instead of pharmacists, post-docs, shooting instructors, etc.? Wear yoga pants and minimal make-up AMAP? I already do the last one, so I can say with 100% certainty that’s not the key.

2) “You’re over-thinking it”

Fabulous. Now we will start thinking about how to not over-think. Or just run away with the first Jo-Jo who comes into our path. Because THAT won’t put us at risk for getting date-raped, recruited to be a trapeze artist in a traveling circus, or in a long-term relationship with a bearded man ( 😉 )! Great idea. We’ll just pop a few Xanax and let what happens, happens. Y’all, check yourselves.

3) “You’re too picky”

This is probably one of the worst things you could ever say to us. You might as well say, “Lower your standards,” or “Stop wanting what you want,” or “You’re pretty much a 6 looking for a 10.” Now, if we have unrealistic expectations, then that may be something to discuss. But “you’re too picky” is just annoying and makes us feel like crap. Plus, aren’t we also intimidating? So how will being less picky (and presumably being open to a lower caste** of men) help with the intimidation factor? The poor fellers might die of a stroke when they find out how wildly hilarious AND smart AND beautiful we are. It wouldn’t be fair to them, really.

4) “He is insane/stupid/gay because he’s not interested in you”

(or my all time favorite “Maybe he has the gift of celibacy…?” Lolz!***) I know y’all are just trying to be kind and helpful. Truly, the sentiment – that no normally functioning straight male could EVER turn down this dynamo package of delectability – is appreciated. BUT, although I’m sure some of us have (unfortunately) dated some who fall into some of these categories, most of the time none of the above are true. Personally, I have awesome man-friends who I don’t want to date, and I hope no one questions my mental health or doubts my sexual orientation because of that. Sometimes, we just don’t got that loving feeling. This is a good thing. Otherwise, we’d all be hopelessly in love with at least 73 people at a given time. *Anyway* One of the best responses to one of my romanticangsts was just a sincere, “That really sucks. I’m sorry,” followed by a huge hug. That’s all we need. Don’t fill our noggins with grandiose and contemptuous ideers. Just pat us on the head and buy us a taco or something.

Conclusion: I REPEAT, PLEASE JUST PAT US ON THE HEAD AND BUY US A TACO

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*This wasn’t a jab at baristas. I just doubt most men are toppled over with fear and insecurity when they meet someone who is a barista. Please call me out if I’m misguided on this.

**I kid, I kid.

***I truly love the person who suggested this. But it did make me laugh hysterically.

Link to the Book of Faces

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Unsung Heroes: A Tribute to Honest Abe

I thought about going on a basic rant against flakey folks, but let’s go Mr. Rogers on this joint. I would like to write a tribute to one of my friends who I will refer to as Honest Abe. Not bc his name starts with an ‘A’, but bc he’s honest. And it’s essential that I use cutesy names.

Is Honest Abe perfect? Heck no, Milo. He can err on the side of noncommitalism, and he can ping the ol’ Gallofeels when he rejects my super coveted, elite social invitations. But you know what? When this brochacho says he’s going to be somewhere, he’s there. And almost always on time. I actually trust in his word.

If you don’t see why this is praiseworthy, or even fantastically shocking, you obvs haven’t spent any time with male-lennials. They may be emotionally in-tune or heart-rendingly sensitive, but they are [mostly] complete man-children when it comes to the most SIMPLE of promises. When I can’t even trust a bro to be in a given location at a given time, why would I trust him with .. anything? Not my taxes, not my dog… def not my precious jewel of a heart.*

Oops, here I go being a negative Nance again..The point is—- Abe, thank you for not being a flake. Thank you for being so brutally honest that you can turn people down to their face. Thank you for being trustworthy. Thank you for shining like a bright diamond in a world of dull-dirt-rocks of Dishonest Daves.**

I salute you, Honest Abe.

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*Mama sez my heart has jewelific qualities.

**No offense to Daves and Davids. It rhymed with Abe and was an alliteration. I couldn’t resist.

Link to the Book of Faces

Just Say No-No to Jo-Jos (How to FIDO, part 1)

When I’m interviewed by the press, a question that comes up often is the ancient and revolutionary technique of FIDOing. As most of you all know,* learning how to FIDO has drastically changed my life. But as my interviewers and fans often ask pleadingly, how exactly does one FIDO? Well luckily for humanity, here’s one solid tater tot of an example for you to tuck away into your mind’s jean pocket.

*drum roll*

Just say No-No to the Jo-Jos in your life. Who are Jo-Jos? In my particular case, Jo-Jos are guys who I dated for very small amounts of time, and then valiantly attempted to remain friends with afterward. As much as it pains me deep in the psoas to admit this, it didn’t work. Usually one of the following happened: 1) we tried to be friends and one of us realized we hated the other (or the disgust was mutual) 2) we didn’t really try to be friends but their very social media presence spiked my blood pressure** 3) now they’re engaged/married and I just feel like a creepy stalker seeing the intimate details of their precious budding ‘ship.

Btdubs, I’m not saying these guys are intentionally trying to be Jo-Jos, but in any case interacting with them tends/ tended to almost always give me bad feels. And life is too short to subject yourself to bad feels just to prove a point to society that you can be friendly-like after being romantical. I will let someone else die on that hill, while I roll around happily in the field of friendship flowers with the sunshine of sincerity beaming down on me.

.. Anyway. So how did I say No-No to these Jo-Jos? First, I went on a social media purge. Unfriended on fb. Blocked on Instagram. Unfollowed on Spotify. Second, I plan to not engage in rando texting with flirty undertones with these Jo-Jos. I’m 2-frickin’-7 years old. Ain’t nobody got time for that. (“Poo or get off the pot,” as they say.) Third, I will not find other creepy ways to stalk them to make sure their post-Galloswag life is appropriately pathetic. No friending their sister so I can cackle over their holiday weight gain when she posts fam pics. No googling to see if they were arrested for excessive public displays of douchery. Heck naw, Jude Law.

Some of you may not be able to relate to this specific example, but everyone has Jo-Jos. If you’re a young stallion of a man, maybe you need to consider saying No-No to some Ho-Hos. If you’re happily married, maybe you need to say No-No to the Psycho you met once at that thing and now wants to tell you how to be a parent. Idk, it is up to you to identify Jo-Jos and initiate operation No-No. Each No-No operation will need to be tailored to your specific needs. The most important thing is that everything rhymes with “O.”

Now Go-Go and be free from Jo-Jos!

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*A brief initiation for the unlearned: “The sophisticated practice of FIDO is the key to not obsessing and making yourself miserable over circumstances and people you cannot control.” – Galloswag, Ph.D.

** because HOW DARE THEY ENJOY THEIR LIFE???

Fight aggressive activism with passive aggression!

As many others have said better than I have, fb has become near intolerable. We’ve been rolling our eyes at exhibitionists* and passive-aggressive posts for years, but throughout the 2016 election and – good Lort, especially after Trump’s inauguration – my fb feed has been inundated with self-righteous-apocalyptic-hyperactivism posts. I’ve already talked about dismounting the activism high horse myself, but I think now it’s time to take back our beloved fb feed by force.**

How do you fight against obnoxiously aggressive activism? By being obnoxiously passive aggressive, of course. Therefore, I have made reaction gifs that should fit each and every post. Because let’s be real, most people just want to impress people that they are modern, concerned peoples. So let’s give them what they want, as obnoxiously as possible. Instead of commenting, just post these gifs for each type of post.

1) For those “I’m going to write a 5 page essay to show you how right I am about this” posts

2) For those “All white people / males / straight people etc. etc. should just all go kill themselves and feel super guilty” posts

3) For those “Let’s all get depressed about some horrible social issue” posts

4) For those “I will rise above you dirty scumbags” posts

5) For all other self-righteous-apolcalyptic-hyperactivism posts, otherwise unspecified

I realize this is coming across as a bit snarky. Well, my feed has induced this snark. I don’t doubt that some of my friends truly care about these issues… but I don’t care that they care. Please post a pic of your cat. Thx.***

If THIS post has inspired YOU, please send me more suggestions! Let’s start a massive conglomeration of passive-aggressiveness.

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*Fancy term for “people who post too many pictures of themselves and think that we care what they ate for dinner every night.” I am a perfect example of this.

**I really do take life and issues seriously. But I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – there is no worse place to discuss politics than on fb. Dr. Galloswag sez, “Discussing politics online shrivels every dendrite in our brains.” I have truly developed a deep dislike for so many of my “friends” now because of their SRAH posts. But I’m not advocating for a lack of action per se – I’m advocating against broadcasting every action you take. You go and change the world, little tiger. If you actually do something important, trust me, the world will recognize you.

***I have a feeling I will regret this post later. But rn, Claire Bear Don’t Care. All this endless barrage of profound outrage has induced profound apathy in yours truly.

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Chronic smoker grateful for support of Alternative Health Community

ATLANTA- Local resident Hank Womack has been smoking for the past 29 years. At first, he was suffocated by a judgmental community of “health experts” and anti-health family members who constantly tried to shove their own views on air quality and lung function down his throat. “They could see how much I got a kick out of smoking, but still they wanted to take it away from me. Probably because they are scared and don’t really understand cigarettes or lung function,” Hank confided in me. “I mean, at first I tried to quit. But it was mighty hard to impossible. If quitting is that hard, then continuing has to be good for me… This is who I am- Hank the Smoker.”

Hank continued to explain that he grew up in a family that was brainwashed by Western medicine, and were completely closed minded to alternative views on smoking. His family, in the name of health, would subject him to odious lectures on cigarette toxicity, even going so far as to suggest he end friendships with other habitual smokers. So when Hank was about 32 years old, he cut family ties and found an alternative health community that recognized inhaling tar in your lungs as a legitimate form of breathing. “They welcomed me with open arms.. made me feel comfortable,” Hank wheezed.

This small but dedicated alternative health community reanalyzed and reinterpreted decades of research on smoking, and a panel of chronic smokers concluded that the findings of these studies were being inappropriately applied to smokers. One of their major conclusions is that most studies were done on the harmful effects of smoking Salem cigarettes in night clubs, whereas most smokers now enjoy Marlboros in parks with their families. “This is a radically different context than the context of these landmark studies. Therefore, we reject the general consensus of the medical community that cigarettes are harmful for health,” they issued in an official statement.

Hank added his own logic, “I feel so good when I smoke.. how can anything that makes me feel this good not be good for me?” He paused for a brief fit of coughing, which ended with him hacking blood into a napkin. “Nothing would be more anti-health than taking these away from me,” he finally rasped. This is in line with his alternative health community’s tag line “Healthy is What Makes You Happy.”

Hank plans to dedicate the rest of life freeing other smokers from the dogma of the mainstream medical community.

Men aren’t marrying these days because women are pathetic.

EDITOR NOTE, 02/22/2018 6:51 PM EST: Attention woman-haters —- this post was written satirically. If you are riding the female-bashing train, note that sharing this post because you agree with the title 1) proves that you did not actually read &/or comprehend this post for it’s original purpose and 2) boosts the hits for a blog managed by a single woman who normally writes about her own weird love-life, Christianity, or rando stuff that makes her cackle. SO if you are all about spewing vitriol about women, this ain’t the post or the blog for you.

******************************************************************************

It’s no secret that there are so many incredible single men in the world. They’re smart, funny and basically total catches… so where are all the great girls? The real reason so many men are still rolling solo is much simpler: most girls aren’t worth dating.

MEN ARE BECOMING MORE FIT, ACCOMPLISHED AND INDEPENDENT WHILE GIRLS ARE LETTING THEMSELVES GO. Men have so much to offer a potential partner and the world at large — they’re strong, ambitious and totally self-sufficient. Meanwhile, girls seem to have thrown femininity and true beauty out the window and assume they can get away with the bare minimum. No thanks — they can take that laziness elsewhere.

THEY WON’T PUT UP WITH BULLCRAP. Sure, men could have a relationship if they were willing to look the other way when manipulative liars and skanks pull their crap with them, but why should they? They’ve seen all the same crap and heard all the same excuses time and time again and they respect themselves too much to accept them for the sake of being in a relationship. They’d much rather be on our own.

THEIR STANDARDS ARE HIGH AND THEY’LL STAY THAT WAY. Since men know their worth, they won’t accept anything less than what they deserve from girls. Girls need to be on their level in every sense of the word and if they’re not prepared to do that, men aren’t prepared to date them.

GIRLS THINK THEIR OPTIONS ARE ENDLESS, BUT MEN WON’T SETTLE FOR SECOND BEST. Part of the problem with modern dating is that girls think all it takes to move on to the next man is a quick right swipe on their phone screens. Ghosting and benching are par for the course, but if men so much as get a glimpse of bitchy tendencies, they’re out of there before she can open Tinder.

MEN’S LIVES ARE ALREADY FULL — IF A GIRL CAN’T ADD TO IT, SHE’S NOT WORTH MAKING ROOM FOR. Men have got busy careers, amazing friends, loving families and passions to pursue. Their schedules are booked solid. That means if they’re making room for a girl, she’d better bring something new and worthwhile to the table. If she’s just looking to get her dinner paid for or wants to “hang out” until she figures out what she wants to do with her life, she can go elsewhere.

MANY MEN JUST AREN’T LOOKING FOR WIVES ANYMORE. That doesn’t mean all of men are averse to eventually getting married, but men don’t wake up every day wondering if it’ll be the day that their Pretty Princess comes to melt their heart. Men don’t need to wait for a woman to walk down the aisle to feel as though they’ve reached the pinnacle of manhood — it’s not the 195os anymore and men are as committed to their own happiness and excellence as they could ever be to a girl.

THEY’RE BECOMING THEIR OWN WIVES. Thanks to the breakdown of gender norms and the ability of men not only to keep their house affairs in order but to excel in tasks like cooking, men are now able to provide themselves all the benefits wives used to provide them. Men don’t need a girl to cook for them or clean their house — they’ve got that locked down already. Men don’t even need a wife for kids; if they really want to become fathers, there are ways to achieve that without having to tie the knot with someone they’ll just end up divorcing a few years later.

TOO MANY GIRLS ARE INTIMIDATED BY STRONG MEN. Men are not going to weaken themselves or play off our goals and accomplishments as no big deal when they’ve worked their butts off to get where they are. Too many girls can’t handle being with a man who won’t let her control everything. Men demand the best in every area of their lives and certainly won’t put up with little girls who either feel threatened by masculinity or feel the need to try and tear them down to assuage their own egos.

So what’s a man to do? Honestly, not much other than to just keep doing you unless someone worthwhile comes along and makes you want to be in a long, committed relationship or get married.

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

Ladies: Did this post annoy/upset you? Did it come across as super condescending and insulting? Good. Because it was almost a word-for-word copy of a self-congratulatory article I found that was originally written by a woman for women that is tragically representative of many articles I’ve read on women/singlehood. I just switched the pronouns to jar us out of our delusional sneering. We have got to stop talking about ourselves like we’re Xena Warrior Princess and all the men around us are Napoleon Dynamite. You can celebrate femininity and have standards without tearing men down! Dr. Galloswag sez, “This vitriolic shoot ain’t helpin’ nobody.” Now dismount your princess carriage and go hug a man you respect.