Men aren’t marrying these days because women are pathetic.

EDITOR NOTE, 02/22/2018 6:51 PM EST: Attention woman-haters —- this post was written satirically. If you are riding the female-bashing train, note that sharing this post because you agree with the title 1) proves that you did not actually read &/or comprehend this post for it’s original purpose and 2) boosts the hits for a blog managed by a single woman who normally writes about her own weird love-life, Christianity, or rando stuff that makes her cackle. SO if you are all about spewing vitriol about women, this ain’t the post or the blog for you.

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It’s no secret that there are so many incredible single men in the world. They’re smart, funny and basically total catches… so where are all the great girls? The real reason so many men are still rolling solo is much simpler: most girls aren’t worth dating.

MEN ARE BECOMING MORE FIT, ACCOMPLISHED AND INDEPENDENT WHILE GIRLS ARE LETTING THEMSELVES GO. Men have so much to offer a potential partner and the world at large — they’re strong, ambitious and totally self-sufficient. Meanwhile, girls seem to have thrown femininity and true beauty out the window and assume they can get away with the bare minimum. No thanks — they can take that laziness elsewhere.

THEY WON’T PUT UP WITH BULLCRAP. Sure, men could have a relationship if they were willing to look the other way when manipulative liars and skanks pull their crap with them, but why should they? They’ve seen all the same crap and heard all the same excuses time and time again and they respect themselves too much to accept them for the sake of being in a relationship. They’d much rather be on our own.

Tmodel-885297_1920HEIR STANDARDS ARE HIGH AND THEY’LL STAY THAT WAY. Since men know their worth, they won’t accept anything less than what they deserve from girls. Girls need to be on their level in every sense of the word and if they’re not prepared to do that, men aren’t prepared to date them.

GIRLS THINK THEIR OPTIONS ARE ENDLESS, BUT MEN WON’T SETTLE FOR SECOND BEST. Part of the problem with modern dating is that girls think all it takes to move on to the next man is a quick right swipe on their phone screens. Ghosting and benching are par for the course, but if men so much as get a glimpse of bitchy tendencies, they’re out of there before she can open Tinder.

MEN’S LIVES ARE ALREADY FULL — IF A GIRL CAN’T ADD TO IT, SHE’S NOT WORTH MAKING ROOM FOR. Men have got busy careers, amazing friends, loving families and passions to pursue. Their schedules are booked solid. That means if they’re making room for a girl, she’d better bring something new and worthwhile to the table. If she’s just looking to get her dinner paid for or wants to “hang out” until she figures out what she wants to do with her life, she can go elsewhere.man-885225_1920

MANY MEN JUST AREN’T LOOKING FOR WIVES ANYMORE. That doesn’t mean all of men are averse to eventually getting married, but men don’t wake up every day wondering if it’ll be the day that their Pretty Princess comes to melt their heart. Men don’t need to wait for a woman to walk down the aisle to feel as though they’ve reached the pinnacle of manhood — it’s not the 195os anymore and men are as committed to their own happiness and excellence as they could ever be to a girl.

THEY’RE BECOMING THEIR OWN WIVES. Thanks to the breakdown of gender norms and the ability of men not only to keep their house affairs in order but to excel in tasks like cooking, men are now able to provide themselves all the benefits wives used to provide them. Men don’t need a girl to cook for them or clean their house — they’ve got that locked down already. Men don’t even need a wife for kids; if they really want to become fathers, there are ways to achieve that without having to tie the knot with someone they’ll just end up divorcing a few years later.

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TOO MANY GIRLS ARE INTIMIDATED BY STRONG MEN. Men are not going to weaken themselves or play off our goals and accomplishments as no big deal when they’ve worked their butts off to get where they are. Too many girls can’t handle being with a man who won’t let her control everything. Men demand the best in every area of their lives and certainly won’t put up with little girls who either feel threatened by masculinity or feel the need to try and tear them down to assuage their own egos.

So what’s a man to do? Honestly, not much other than to just keep doing you unless someone worthwhile comes along and makes you want to be in a long, committed relationship or get married.

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

Ladies: Did this post annoy/upset you? Did it come across as super condescending and insulting? Good. Because it was almost a word-for-word copy of a self-congratulatory article I found that was originally written by a woman for women that is tragically representative of many articles I’ve read on women/singlehood. I just switched the pronouns to jar us out of our delusional sneering. We have got to stop talking about ourselves like we’re Xena Warrior Princess and all the men around us are Napoleon Dynamite. You can celebrate femininity and have standards without tearing men down! Dr. Galloswag sez, “This vitriolic shoot ain’t helpin’ nobody.” Now dismount your princess carriage and go hug a man you respect.

Ladies, your femalolz are a big turn off (apparently)

..a smart, funny woman’s best bet to snag a man may be for her to limit her vocabulary to disyllabic words and giggle vapidly at his jokes.

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I recently read two articles that explained my singlehood to me so beautifully. I’m not single in spite, but because, I’m so frickin’ funny* and smart**.  According to this article in The Atlantic, men want women to laugh at their jokes, not to laugh at women’s jokes. The article further explained that humor correlates to intelligence, so gauging someone’s humor is a fast proxy of their intelligence. A Huffington Post article I found corroborated the first one – men find smart women – particularly women who are smarter than them – less appealing to date.

I have to say, this is the most ego-boosting reason I’ve heard lately for being single. It has nothing to do with my fashion, weird eating habits, or random quirks – men just don’t want to jump funny bones (aha, see what I did there? Whoops probably just lost a few more romantic prospects… Can’t stop this Lolz Train).

I’m torn by this news. I’ve never been so appreciative of not being appreciated, but it’s also annoying that a smart, funny woman’s best bet to snag a man may be for her to limit her vocabulary to disyllabic words and giggle vapidly at his jokes. Yes, I take this a little bit personally, but it’s also the principle of the matter.

But before we women commit ourselves to indignantly blowing the Shofar of Shame and call out men for being insecure pricks, let’s consider several alternative explanations.

  • Maybe men don’t actually think “funny women” are funny

This is hard to handle, but it’s possible that the same jokes that split your girlfriends’ sides are just lamé to the Monsieur Averagé.

  • Maybe self-deprecating humor from females makes men uncomfortable

Men could be horrified that if they laugh too loudly, the woman will suddenly burst into tears or judo chop him for not protesting that her thighs in those tight pants don’t actually remind him of a partially busted can of crescent rolls. This whole scenario might make men so tense they rather just make fun of themselves instead and let the women laugh at their expense.

  • Maybe funny women seem more likely to mock men mercilessly

Waxing poetic and being romantical is already putting men into a position of emotional, sometimes physical, vulnerability. Perhaps the thought of a woman mocking him in her own thoughts, to her girlfriends, or on a public blog post (teehee) makes the potential cost/benefit ratio too unfavorable to even consider.

  • Maybe intelligent women are more likely to be get offended at something random

This is kind of a stretch, but especially women in academia – even if they do have a good sense of humor – seem more likely to go off on a rant about male privilege, act insulted when he tries to hold the door for her… or you know, get riled up by a documentary about bra burners and start refusing to shave her legs.

..I don’t know, really. I’m just trying to be gracious here, and think more creatively. Why don’t you speak for yourselves, men?

Do you consciously find funny/smart females less attractive? If a woman gets too funny do you think to yourself “Oh snapz, she’s funnier than me. Gotta go find someone who is so dull that she’ll find my lamé jokes hilarious.”? Or is it more implicit, and you just happen to think that women who are really smart are also arrogant, nerdy, or annoying? Or is this research just dealing in averages, but YOU’RE no Monsieur Averagé, and actually actively seek out smart and funny women? I mean, I know funny smart married women, so obviously it’s not a huge turn off for all men. But.. did currently married women tone down this part of themselves while they were dating?

I’m genuinely curious – I promise I want to know the truth of the matter and I won’t publicly accuse you of being a jerk-face. Although privately I may make a little voodoo doll and tell it jokes all day just to be spiteful.

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*Mama sez I’m funny.

**Mama sez I’m smart, too.

 

 

How [Chronically] Single Men Sabotage Themselves

Are you male? Are you single? Do you wish you weren’t? Does your mom frequently look at you with sorrow and wonder why women aren’t falling at your feet? Do most of your romantic ventures fizzle out over an awkward series of awkward text messages?

If you answered yes to most of the questions above, it’s likely that you are sabotaging yourself with foolish dating practices.
If you answered yes to most of the questions above, it’s likely that you are sabotaging yourself with foolish dating practices. …

Are you male? Are you single? Do you wish you weren’t? Does your mom frequently look at you with sorrow and wonder why women aren’t falling at your feet? Do most of your romantic ventures fizzle out over a series of awkward text messages?

If you answered yes to most of the questions above, it’s likely that you are sabotaging yourself with foolish dating practices. I have smashed together a few #gallotips for you luckless would-be lovers.

[Please know that I’m actually not trying to be condescending. This is written for the solid guys out there who may not realize that they’re doing stupid crap to make women think that they are lamé.*]

  • You never ask the woman about herself or what she thinks

This past summer I was super excited that one of my really close friends grabbed dinner with a mutual friend who truly is a very kind, smart, good guy. When I nosily asked how it went, I was aghast when I found out that she was severely underwhelmed because the dude talked about himself the entire time. For perspective, this lady is a super smart, gorgeous assistant professor who travels the world for her work. When she’s local, she’s directing really important, ground-breaking research. THERE IS SO MUCH TO TALK TO HER ABOUT. I truly don’t understand – even if you’re not an expert in her field, please at least attempt to understand what she does. Or how/why she got into it. Don’t think that your ignorance about something will make you seem like a jerk-face – the only thing that will make you look like a jerk-face is if you’re unwilling to broach subjects you can’t mansplain.

An extension of this is just asking the lady what she thinks about .. stuff. Whether it be politics, her input on your most recent conspiracy theory, the unstoppable rise of Justin Bieber… whatever. AND – this is important – actually listen to her answers. Don’t spend the time she’s talking to formulate your next brilliant monologue.

  • You are emphasizing all the wrong stuff about yourself

I’m truly not saying this to burst your bubble, but if the lady you are dating is over 18 and doesn’t live in Nowhere, Idaho, chances are that she knows plenty of men who are just as – if not more – intelligent, rich, charming, or attractive than you. Don’t be surprised if she is underwhelmed by your ‘stats’. Before you get huffy and depressed, I’ll let you in on a secret – you can really set yourself apart by having good character. Try not taking 36 hours to respond to her text messages, keeping your word and showing up on time, paying attention to what she likes, plan thoughtful dates, etc. Sometimes men are all-to- eager to brag about their promotion at work, when women (at least, my friends and I) care more about whether we can count on you. When I was 19, a guy I was dating brought me coffee while I was studying. Not just any coffee, but a coffee with a splash of cream and two raw sugars, which is how I took it at the time. Even though this obviously didn’t end up in lifelong bliss, 8 years later I remember it and I still say “Bravo, good sir.” The point is, your character – usually displayed in the consistent, small ways you treat us and live your life – matter more than your 2 advanced degrees, 6 digit salary, six-pack abs, or whatever your point of pride happens to be.

  • You plan dates that do not give you a chance to shine

Some of you are a bit shy or awkward over a dinner date. The idea of making charming conversation for 2 hours over dinner makes you want to pass out or hang yourself. Fine! I say – do something completely different! Do something that lets your sweet unique little personality shine. Think outside the box. One of my friend’s favorite dates was when this guy taught her how to do a J-turn with her classic muscle car. Granted, not exactly my cup of tea – but she loved it. If you’re shy AND don’t have the stereotypical manly-man skills, do something like find a piano somewhere and teach her how to play a simple duet with you. I don’t know! I CAN’T FIX YOUR LIFE! *anyway* If the standard date-scene makes you shrivel up like a sad little kumqat in the desert, then plan something where you can roar with love like the magnificent beast we all know you are.

  • You are creepily romantic too soon

This one may be more specific to yours truly, but I cannot *STAND* it when someone who barely knows me tries to act like he is deeply in love with me. I immediately assume that he is either 1) emotionally unstable 2) trying to manipulate me. Forced, false intimacy is icky. It’s okay to take some time to just enjoy each other’s company without over-romanticizing. You can be warm, open, sweet, and all that great stuff without picking out a song on your ukelele that you wrote for her based off of her.. FB profile. Galloswag says, “Just be cool.”

There you have it. You’re welcome men! You can thank me when YOU’RE MARRIED because this advice was like pure gold poured straight into your mind. Please send me your personal success stories so we can go on Ellen together to promote my new book in press “Just Be Cool: Gallotips on how to not be a jerk-face when you date.”

— Editorial Notes —

* I get the irony. A cozily single 27 year old woman lecturing men about dating. Before you dismiss me and return to your vile daily activities, I’d like to argue that I’m actually far more qualified to comment on this than you’d think. Consider the following, s’il vous plait:

1) Being a sassy old maid, I’ve been on a lot more (bad) dates in current times that someone our age who settled down when they were 21. Sassy old maids also tend to cluster together and share our pathetic, hilarious, sorrowful bad date stories. Thus, I have so much material to coalesce into common themes.

2) I’m giving advice to men, not women. I’ve never been on a date with a woman so I can’t tell you from experience what the big turn offs are. Men, feel free to share your woes with me and I might just be inspired to lecture women on your behalf (As a side note, if I had any rays of insight on the woman side of things I would already be the trophy wife of a rich philanthropist with beautiful guns (both meanings apply) and a personal study that smells like mahogany and is chock-full of Tim Keller books.. and I’d be too busy opening joint checking accounts and making babies to write this darling little blog.)

3) Sad as it may be, my single lady friends and I are just the type of women that are still out there. The techniques your married male friends used to woo their current wives in high school and college ain’t gonna work with slightly jaded, highly-independent workin’ women. Just sayin’.

Singles Conference Debunks Grace Myth

“Now, I am free to quickly judge instead of bothering with the drudgery of loving someone who has made mistakes.”

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Atlanta, GA – Thousands of Atlanta singles poured into Germinate Georgia Church this weekend to attend a conference on Singlehood, Dating, and Marriage by visiting pastor Rev. Bobby Jehosephat Murray. Intrigued by the enthusiastic tweets that had popped up on my twitter feed (“Revolutionary!” and “Murray on Fire! #SDMConference”), I loitered outside of Germinate Georgia Church on the night of the last session and was able to snag a few attendees for an interview.

Amanda Jackson, who drove all the way from Chattanooga TN to attend the conference, raved “Reverend Murray did an excellent job explaining how romantic relationships fall outside of the overarching message of Christianity. If I hadn’t attended the conference, I never would have understood these special exemptions.” Intrigued, I asked her to expand on this idea. “Well, I was always taught that Jesus’ death, life, and resurrection meant that I didn’t have to live in guilt and shame about my past, but could live in freedom. But Rev. Murray explained that while that’s mostly true for all other types of behaviors that hurt myself and others, there’s no true forgiveness for sexual sin. And, we should make sure that we frequently remind and judge each other for our past mistakes.”

She rolled up her sleeve excitedly, to show freshly inked tattoos that she had felt led to get after a particularly guilt-inducing conference session. I peered closely to read the delicate cursive in neat rows, surprised to find a list of juicy tidbits, such as “Made out in the backseat of C.S.’s car, 04/03/09” and “Allowed E.C. to cop a feel, 03/25/10”. Amanda continued glowingly “I got these to ensure that I never get cocky about where I stand in the family of God. Now if I ever start to feel free, or a good man starts to pursue me, I have an easy reminder of who I really am and how I don’t deserve any blessings.” An additional bonus, she added, was that now her brothers in Christ could quickly read through her past failures and save themselves from being tainted by her waywardness.

Amanda’s friend Dan Bowman, a friend of Amanda’s who attended the conference with her (they drove in separate cars), was particularly approving of his friend’s tattoos. “As a man who has protected himself from impurity my entire life, I was always a little bummed by the mainstream Christian message that my good works are like filthy rags to God– and that some philandering frat boy who literally decided to follow Jesus yesterday would have the same access to God and His blessings as I did. It never sat right with me.” Dan blew out his breath in exasperation. “But Rev. Murray was so encouraging. Now I know that my behavior has earned me the right to a flawless Christian woman as my wife.” He added, “It’s relieving to know that my hard work is worth something.”

Both Dan and Amanda agreed that another enlightening session had really relieved their anxieties about how to treat anyone they dated. “It was always so messy to try to figure out how to honor someone as a human being instead of just looking at them through the lens of their past,” chimed in Amanda. “Now, I am free to quickly judge instead of bothering with the drudgery of loving someone who has made mistakes.” When I asked them about how Rev. Murray explained the role of Mary Magdalene, Rahab the prostitute, Tamar and others, they both replied in unison, “Liberal propaganda.” Dan then offered me a gloved hand – kindly explaining he has a strict rule of no skin-to-skin contact with a female outside of his family – and he and Amanda headed off into the night (Amanda asked me to pointedly note that her Dad was also present).

For more information on this new theology, stay tuned for Rev. Murray’s new book “Sexual Sin: Debunking the grace myth” coming out this Spring.

Christian Singles: Get your shoot together.

For the love of Chris Tomlin, be chill and stop over-thinking it.

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This is an “in-house” appeal to my single Christian brethren and sistern, so if you don’t fall into that category I’m sorry to leave you out. But of course, you’re welcome to read along and cluck your tongue in approval.

I’ll make this brief.

I currently know at least.. 25 women, in their 20-30s, smart, funny, sweet, hold down a job, emotionally stable, love Jesus. You know what else they all have in common? Single as a one dollar bill. What ELSE do they all have in common? They want dang-blatted hubs, who also love Jesus.

I also know at least 25.. well maybe 20.. men, in their 20-30s, smart, funny, kind, hold down a job, emotionally stable, and love Jesus. Single. Want dang-blatted wifies, who also love Jesus.

Yet what else do almost all of THESE people have in common? They’re on frickin OK Harmonious Bumble Match* or whatever wasting their time with men and women who’d make their mama weep. Or, the women are hombre-ing their hair and putting on extra-eyeliner, waiting for a young Louie Giglio to see them across the church parking lot and be captivated by their pure, ethereal beauty. Then we have men lurking around waiting for some woman to “give them a sign.” Which I guess entails slipping them a note, “I like you, do you like me? Check yes or no.”

Here’s an idea. Delete your derned dating app. Women, stop being prideful! It is not beneath your dignity to talk to a guy.. or even INITIATE A CONVERSATION YOURSELF (!!!!!). You don’t have to be a flirt. Just be .. friendly.  Ask them about themselves. Men, start talking to women and ask them to coffee without feeling the need to call a week-long all-men prayer session to determine if this first step is God’s will. If you’re worried about being seen as creepy, just .. don’t.. be. If a woman says no, then take her word for it and FIDO.

I don’t want the church to become a Christian day-club for singles, I’m just saying that.. 99% of the single Christians I know are all fairly miserable being single, but the whole community is in a never-ending cycle of guys who won’t man up and initiate, with women who expect guys to initiate based off.. their fashion.. ? .. and when guys do initiate they’re labeled as creepy because Christian females are incapable of communicating “NO” so the poor guys are left trying to figure out if the woman is playing hard-to-get or legitimately despises them.. and then women who feel unwanted and rejected because a guy that she has ignored for 3 months is unable to read her mind and figure out she would definitely say yes if he asked her to lunch..

*deep sigh*

For the love of Chris Tomlin, be chill and stop over-thinking it. 

DISCLAIMER: I’m not using the #galloblog platform as a not-so-subtle pathetic plea to men generally, or a specific man, to ask the #galloswag out. This whole post truly was born out of my deep indignation that so many of my male and female Christian single friends are so unhappy. Yes, I’m that sweet and thoughtful.

…Go forth and fraternize!

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*I know people who have met their bae online, and that is glorious. In general though, in my prideful opinion, it’s a bit ridiculous to go online when you have tens and tens of singles right in front of you. If NONE of them appeal to you, maybe it’s your problem… *drops gallomic*

Friend zoned, bro!

If you agreed to wear matching shirts, you def don’t have a chance romantically. AND THAT’S PERFECTLY OKAY

 

Recently I posed a question to my adoring facebook community :

“If someone is interested in you but you’re 90% sure you’re going to friend zone them, is it more considerate to go on at least one date-like activity to “give it a chance,” or tell them from the very beginning you’re not romantically interested so they don’t waste their time and $?”

Well, this initiated quite the flurry of comments. I was a little dismayed that several commenters ranged from pity to contempt toward the unnamed, potentially friend-zoned man in question. In my mind, friend-zoning should not be seen as some shameful insult. Short of marrying the person, I  see a good solid friend-zone as the best possible outcome to hope for.

Think about the scores of people that most single people will date before they find that special someone (if they ever do). We have to assume that there’s a very high likelihood that any given date is not going to be “the one.” If a date ends in “let’s just be friends,” it’s not a horrible failure. It’s an overwhelming success in ruling them out, and saving you precious hours of sad and angry interweb stalking. I’m probably going to be accused of being anti-marriage or a bitter old hag, but I’m totally serious about this: I think it’s almost as equally worthy of celebration to leave a person who is wrong for you than to stay with the person who is right for you.

Please consider this: less romance = less drama = less weirdness post break up = more real friend potential. So, if you become skilled at extracting yourself from cloying romance as quickly as possible, you greatly increase your chances at actually developing a wonderful, joyous, platonic relationship.

**Quick caveat: I’m assuming that friend-zoning actually means the friend-zoner actually does want to be your friend. If they say “let’s be friends,” and mean “please stop talking to me you disgusting creep,” then yes that’s a little shameful. Although still, not the end of the world really. Not everyone is going to be wildly attracted to you, and some people may actually be actively put off by you. Sure, it’s not pleasant – but why waste any more of your time creeping on them and being angry? Do you really wish that you had the secret code of charm and looks to snag someone who was turned off by your SOP? Have some dignity, and save your time for someone who truly appreciates your friendship… or even falls madly in love with you. Either one. (See, I’m not completely bitter.)

😉