galloblog

You may not be beautiful, but get over it

I read this article the other day that was written by an overweight woman for overweight women. Some of the article I really liked, but the last paragraph lost me. The author confidently asserted to the millions of women her article was addressed to that they were beautiful, no matter how much they weighed.

Oh geez. Okay – does being overweight automatically exclude you from being beautiful? No! But being overweight does not automatically transform you into Beyoncé, either. We need to stop whispering sweet nothings into each other’s ears, especially if those sweet nothings are unknowable or knowably false.

Saying everyone has some positive attribute ruins the meaning, value, and specialness of that attribute.

christina-aguilera-you-are-beautiful-no-matter-what-they-say

I think why we feel so compelled to say all women are beautiful is we have a strong compulsion to affirm everyone’s value. Therefore, everyone must be beautiful.

But let’s all collectively gasp as we realize the sneaky unspoken assumption – that women who aren’t beautiful aren’t valuable. That is the real problem – not that the majority of a given group of people for a given period in time will inevitably prize certain physical features over others. Even if it’s not fair, it just is what it is and we have to learn to work with what we’ve got. So let’s come to terms with the idea that some women do not fit society’s beauty standards as well as others – but they still have value. There’s more to life than arousing as many men as possible before we die. I hope you see Eleanor Roosevelt and mother Theresa as more valuable human beings than the most famous porn star in the world, whoever she may be.

So I plead with you – stop lying to people, and stripping away the meaning of words, especially “beautiful.” Let beautiful mean something again!
Hurrah to ugly, valuable women!

‘Like’ if you liked it, ‘Love’ if you loved it, and ‘angry face’ if you hated it! And ‘share’ if it changed your life!

Adults need this the most from their moms

I’m not a mom, but I could play one on TV. Harhar, just kidding. Okay restart – I’m not a mom, but I still want to post about mommyhood because even as an adult (so they tell me), my mom still plays a big role in the Life of Galloswag.*

Perhaps ironically, the older I get the more I want my mom’s advice. I guess once I pushed past my hormone-addled, continuously-angsty teenage years, I started to appreciate how frickin’ wise my Majer is.

Perhaps ironically-er, the more I want my mom’s advice, the less specific her advice has become. Recently I was stunned by her complete disinterest to micro-manage my life, even when I kinda wanted her to.

For example- last week, after I near-tearfully poured out my woes about a dramatic situation that was 100% my own making, she laughed and said, “You have a good head on your shoulders. You’ll figure it out.” And that was it. No lecture, no judgement, no step-by-step instructions. And honestly, even though I felt like a lost little girl, I realized my mom thought of me as a smart, grown-ass woman with good character. I’ll tell ya, that was so much more effective and uplifting than a judge-y lecture with specific instructions would have been.

So don’t worry sweet (hot?) mamas- you will always be needed, even when your babies are adulting with the best of ’em. But what your lil babies will need is going to change. Instead of dictating every move of your adulabies life, you can show confidence in their character to make the right moves. Hurrah! Take a load off 🙂

❤ ya Mom! *smoochies*

IMG_20170513_193116 — My mom used to say, “Who’s my baby girl?!” And I’d giggle gleefully and reply, “I am!” Now my mom’s like, “Who’s my grown woman?!” And I smile wistfully and reply, “I am.” #woot

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*Coming to a theater near you in 2028 (just in time for my Presidential bid)

The Good of Guilt

Recently I did something that I’m not particularly proud of. What did I do? Nunya business, honestly. I don’t want the focus of the post to be on my scandals.* What I do want to make it about is the guilt associated with my scandals.

The next day after my scandalous behavior I woke up with that sickening guilt that churns around in your gut relentlessly. When I sat down to read my biblio and pray, I felt like a traitorous infidel.

Then my ego-preservation-mode kicked into overdrive, and I thought of so many reasons why what I did wasn’t all that bad. My mind performed some impressively creative feats of self-justification, and one side of me was like, “Chillax, yo! So many people have done so much worse!” but another side of me was like “Nah, you dumb.”

Then my self-disgust-mode kicked into overdrive, and I felt a strong compulsion to do some penance. My mind generated several paths of punition for me to complete until I (hopefully God, too) would feel okay about me again. One side of me was like “You are a disgusting worm, and now you must roll around penitently in the dirt like a worm,“ but another side of me was like, “What’s done is done, brah.”

So I sat there for a while, battling myself. And both of mes were kinda right, and both of mes were kinda wrong.

Then a few thoughts struck me as I sat there like a Guilty Gabriella –

One of the reasons I didn’t want to pray was that I didn’t feel I deserved for God to give me anything. Uh-oh, legalism-o! Apparently my heart had swallowed a sneaky nugget of self-righteousness dunked in entitlement sauce without my conscious consent.

This deep sense that my misdeed deserves punishment is rooted in a truth, but an incomplete one. My actions did demand a punishment, but I wasn’t the one that would take it.** It was such a discomfiting idea – that immediately after I had done this legitimately foolish deed, I was good. No flagellation required.

It’s much more difficult to judge people when I remember how… delicious… sin can be. The humility of receiving grace takes the wind out of the judgiest of sails.

I wanted to tell someone about what I did, right away. And I didn’t want to tell someone who would pat me on the head and tell me I is kind, smart, and important (but I also didn’t to tell someone who would look aggrieved and spread this “prayer request” to the rest of the gossip girls).

In toto: Guilt is one of the worst feelings to ever assault the human mind, body, and soul. It’s not appropro when it causes you to obsess over your own badness, but neither is it always an inappropro feeling that should be dismissed immediately. It can 1) expose our general sense of entitlement, 2) awaken us to the heart-twisty kindness of Jesus, 3) give us grace towards others, 4) motivate us to confess (which ultimately helps keep us accountable in the future so we will be less likely to turn right around and repeté).

Don’t try to dismiss your guilt, but don’t wallow around in shame, either. Use it as an opportunity to become all the more in awe of and thankful for the kindness and necessity of Jesus.

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*Don’t let your imagination run too wild. If you need something concrete to tack onto this story- just pretend that I threw away recyclable plastic in the trash… yah, that was it *laughs nervously*

** “For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.” – 2 Cor 5:21

Why single people are selfish and crazy

I’m the youngest in my family, so almost all my sibs and cousins are full-blown adulting with kids and real jobs. When I visit with my fam, I’m kinda blown away by how much having a hubs or wifie, and especially kiddos, requires so many sacrifices all throughout the day.

I have suffered with insomnia for oh.. at least 6 years.. so you can imagine I am a Belligerent Claire Bear when someone wakes me up after I finally do get to sleep. Yet when I visited my sister, she would be up and at ‘em like every 3 or 4 hours at all sorts of unholy hours of the night so that my niece could be fed, cuddled, etc.

Although I wouldn’t consider myself incredibly introverted, but I am a fan of my me-time. I’ve also grown very accustomed to doing what I want, when I want. Yet when I visited my cousin and his wife, they have to be “on” basically all day every day. If you start eating a sandwich, everyone wants a sandwich. When you’re sitting there reading, someone is going to want you to play with them, or watch them jump off the couch, or whatever.

It kinda fills me with awe to see my sis and cuzzo be so selfless – I am strained when I have to delay my din time by 45 minutes so I can eat with a friend. #sacrifices

“But can’t you just be a dutiful daughter, friend, volunteer, or whatever?” you may ask. Yeah, sure. But at the end of the day, I still have almost full control over how my time is spent, when I eat, and what I do. People with a little nuclear fam don’t have that luxury. And I think because of that, they have a million bazillion more opportunities to be selfless than I do.

On top of that, people around you hold you accountable to a certain standard of normalcy. Right now if I want to eat a jar of pb for dinner, that’s my deal. If I want to put together a particularly tacky pj combo to sleep in, no one raises an eyebrow. If I decide to plan a super inefficient day, no one is there to say “Um, have you thought about doing it this way instead..?” So at the end of the day, even if I start out with the best intentions of being somewhat normal, over time I’m just going to start developing bizarre, idiosyncratic habits because I don’t get that daily feedback.

So anyway, I’d like the marrieds to give us singletons a little slack. Yes we are selfish, yes we are crazy. But frankly, I think the noble virtues of selflessness and normalcy are not automatically attained without the external pressures of your own fam. We’re like the mantle of the earth just waiting for those deep source volcanic eruptions of fam life to turn us into sparkling diamonds.*

Oh! Singletons should give each other a little slack, too. I think sometimes we compare single men to our friends’ hubbies and we’re like “ewww so immature,” and maybe men look at single women and are like, “ugh so crazy.” It’s possible that the all the sane women and mature men have already married, leaving the rest of us to find our way in the circus of characters who are left. But I don’t think so.. I would like to oh-so-timidly suggest that being married can (often does?) change you into a better person. I think the tricky part is to figure out who will emerge like a radiant diamond and who will turn into ashy dust crumbles when the pressure is on. #realtalk

But.. bright side!!! .. in the meantime, I get this entire jar of pb to myself..!! Nom nom nom.

peanut-butter-350099_960_720 — If this doesn’t give you a shiver of pleasure, I don’t know what will. (thx pixabay)

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*I was originally going to use a lump of coal analogy, but the interwebs told me that the coal-into-diamonds idea is a myth. Wow! I’m sure most of you found that out in grade school, but my mind is BLOWN

You can not speak good and still be right

I recently watched the Jimmy Kimmel interview with George W. Bush, and I recalled how everyone used to talk about what an idiot George W. was when he was president. That always annoyed me – I mean, the dude went to Yale and he became President of the free world – obviously there’s something going on up in there. Plus, anyone with that good of a sense of humor has to be intelligent in at least some capacity. Yet because he’s not very articulate, a lot of people consider him to be stupid.*

Confession: I have a celebrity crush on the W. JUDGE ALL YOU WANT! (pic from youtube screenshot – hopefully no copyright issues there??)

Now, put this together with people’s snobbery in general towards Southerners, &/or people who don’t use perfect grammar. If you see a fb argument and someone accidentally uses “their” instead of “there,” the argument is over. That person is destroyed and must fall on their cyber sword. I’m not hating against using standard English or talkin’ fancy, especially in writing (some people’s writing is so bad that I seriously don’t even know what they’re trying to say). But there are two points here I want to make –

1) You can be a terrible speaker/writer and still be really smart, and you can be a great speaker/writer and still be fairly basic.

I don’t think this needs much explanation, but if I stuttered through my dissertation defense – wouldn’t the quality of my dissertation itself be the same? Yet if an 8 year old child memorized my presentation, took acting and diction lessons, and rattled through my defense presentation perfectly… would that kid be smarter than me, or have a superior understanding of my dissertation topic? Nope-ity dope-ity.

Okay, second point is kinda sorta loosely related to the first.

2) Using good logic or extrapolating from known data doesn’t guarantee you will come to the right conclusions, and being illogical and subjective doesn’t necessarily make you come to the wrong conclusions.

Example 1: “It’s okay for people to force inferior beings to work for you without pay. Black people are inferior to white people. Therefore, it’s okay to force black people to work for white people without pay.”

I intentionally chose something super inflammatory to make the point that the argument above isn’t illogical, but it has a very flawed assumption – that black people are inferior to white people. At the time, though, there was “science” that people used to “prove” that white people were superior. If you argued against them at that time, they could have accused you of ignoring the data, or being anti-science, or being illogical. And maybe they weren’t even trying to be sinister — I’m sure there were people who believed in the scientific racism at the time and thought it was high quality science. And truly, if you accept their interpretation of the data, then the statement above is logical. But as (I hope!) you would agree, it was an evil, wrong conclusion.

Example 2: “It’s not okay to use black people to do work for you without pay, because I like black people and I just don’t feel right about forcing them to work for free.”

The example 2 argument is not a good argument. It draws on subjective feels and intuition. At one time, it would have gone against the “scientific data.” But as (I hope!) you would agree, it’s the right conclusion.

So my point: this is not an “anti-science” post. I love science. I am a scientist. But at the same time, I just want to caution academics and other members of the intelligentsia to not be intellectually arrogant, and to at least consider the possibility that the intuitive, subjective conclusions that the uneducated masses from Podunkville have made could be right. The same applies if you’re an outsider evaluating the merit of different choices or options. It’s important to use logic and good data to draw conclusions and make assumptions, for sure. But 1) think critically about all the assumptions behind the logic and 2) at least consider the possibility that the data is incomplete, limited, or even just wrong.

Finally, also consider what incentive people have to either agree or disagree with the data. For example, if someone presented data that strongly implicated that my Dad was an ax murderer, I would be *WAY* more critical of that data than some random person in Moscow would be. And being more critical of that data wouldn’t make me less intelligent, it would just mean my life history gives me a very different threshold for convincing. In fact, rando in Moscow would probably be less qualified than me to look at the data, because this person has no personal experience with my Dad. Yes? *anyway*

Main point: don’t be a snooty-pants. ❤

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*all politics aside – I’m not talking about stupid policies. That’s a whole ‘nother can o’ worms.

FOR THE LOVE OF GEORGE W. BUSH, LIKE, COMMENT, OR SHARE! (even if you didn’t like it, I want to know! Please and thank you 🙂 )

5 techniques to ensure victory in all your online debates

All the intellectual elites know that the interwebs are for destroying everyone who disagrees with you. This comes naturally to people like me who possess superior intelligence and unmatched wit. However, if you’re an averagé civilian, use the following techniques to ensure you are victorious each and every time you debate online.

You may believe that the interwebs are for connecting with old friends, keeping up with your out-of-town family members, or something else equally ridiculous. If so, you are a naïve fool. All the intellectual elites know that the interwebs are for destroying everyone who disagrees with you. This comes naturally to people like me who possess superior intelligence and unmatched wit. However, if you’re an averagé civilian, use the following techniques to ensure you are victorious each and every time you debate online.

1) Use your grammar gun and spelling sword

The first rule of online arguments is that the first person to make a typo loses. The content is irrelevant – if they used “there” instead of “their,” it’s over. Just say, “You mean ‘their’? Lolz, you’re an uneducated buffoon.” BOOM, you win!

2) Abruptly become too mature and busy for the argument

It’s very important you don’t let your opponent get the upper hand. If they start sounding pretty smart and convincing, spontaneously evolve into a mature, working person who does not have time for this nonsense. Make a witty remark about how they must not have a job and exit the conversation with a beautifully crafted spirit of condescension.

3) Name-call them into submission

Poop_Emoji — If short on time, you can always just leave this poop emoji instead of spelling out “poophead”

A timeless online debate technique is to reach deep to your middle school roots and start calling your opponent names. “Libtard” is a great go-to if you’re a conservative arguing with a liberal, and “Ignorant fascist” is an all-purpose name for most conservatives. If it isn’t political, you can never go wrong with “poophead.”

4) Use links and memes instead of your own words

Don’t get suckered into spending a lot of time formulating intelligent arguments. I highly recommend posting links to multiple, lengthy articles in response to your opponents comments. This is brilliant because it makes you look like you are backed by legit data. Plus, there’s a 99% chance no one will actually read the links. Seriously, I once cowed an opponent into silence by rapidly posting 5 links to recipes for different variations of whoopie pies. Memes are also particularly useful. I mean, who can argue against the condescending Willy Wonka?

5) Flood them with a tsunami of words

If all else fails, just make all your comments exceed 1,200 words. The key is to basically drown your opponent with a flood of words that even the most patient of interweb users could never bear to read through and make sense of what you’re saying. This way, no matter how they reply, you can just say “Did you even read my response?” to which they will have to honestly say “no.” And there you go – victory!

There you go! Go get ‘em, little tiger!

DON’T YOU DARE READ THIS WITHOUT LIKING, COMMENTING, OR SHARING, YOU POOPHEAD!!

Staying butthurt at the church will do little more than hurt your butt

Because this is my blog, Ima be real and tell you all that I have been through many spiritual funks… especially in the last 5 years.. especially with the church. There were times I adopted this ‘tude like, “Hey! I’m a wounded spiritual animal, and until the church or God steps up their game to win me back, I’m going to stay at home and sulk.” Then I sought out the company of other butthurt Christians so we could commiserate about how crappy or annoying other Christians were.

— I say all of this with zero formal theological training, so if you see anything that looks like the Gospel According to Galloswag, 1) please let me know and 2) please discard it from your mind. Far be it from me to lead someone astray with my own rambles! —

butthurt — This little guy kept a grudge at the church, and look where it got him. (pixabay free image)

But guess what? The silent treatment doesn’t work with God and the church. I couldn’t emotionally manipulate them into screeching to a stop so they would pat my head and apologize for all the grievous acts they had committed. Nope, they marched on merrily without me as I stewed away like a persecuted pot roast. I get it, y’all. I’ve been one of the Butthurt Brethren. But I beg you, DO NOT stay there.

potroast — This pot roast may feel persecuted, but I would still eat it. (pixabay free images)

If you’re currently butthurt at your church, the Church, &/or God, here are a few thoughts I have from my own experiences. Hopefully they will be helpful.

Don’t romanticize your rebellion

romance — What it looks like to smooch with your rebellion, smh (pixabay free images)

Sometimes my butthurt was just pure contrariness, and I would find comfort in romanticizing my rebellion as a “spiritual journey” or something equally cheesy. But I wasn’t journeying, I wasn’t theologically confused, and I didn’t lack clear direction. The bible is devastatingly straightforward for the most part. The problem was that I was 100% sure what I was (or wasn’t) supposed to do, and 100% sure that I didn’t want to do it. The struggle was actually against myself: knowing what I knew, feeling what I felt, what would I do?

Don’t project your spiritual dryness

dryleaves — When I’m a dry little pile of leaves, the life of others gives me the crankies. (pixabay free images)

You know how when you feel ugly, the beauty of others is offensive? So it goes with spiritual beauty too, it would seem. When I feel spiritually “bleh” because of my own choice to distance myself from God, the blasted perkiness (aka joy) of others makes me want to screech in frustration. When I feel insincere, I doubt the sincerity of others.

Do extend the grace shown to you to other Christians

Now, there have been times when I had legit grievances against the church. I’ve encountered blatant racism, blasphemy, and deception there. In fact, no one has hurt or disappointed me more in the past 5 years than people who I met in the Christian community. So why continue?

On a grand scale, the church is Jesus’ bride*, and I doubt Jesus is impressed when I claim to follow him while trashing His bride. What kind of hubs would be alright with that? On a smaller scale, the church hurts people because the church is people and people hurt people.** Yes, I have the right to be offended at some Christians. But instead of seizing this opportunity for personal vindication, why not seize it to exercise my freedom to forgive? Christians are supposed to set themselves apart by the way we love one another, and love doesn’t keep a record of wrongs.***

As a final note, in a strange way the disappointments and hurts I’ve encountered within the Christian community have been great motivators for me to keep pursuing God in word and deed, because I really don’t want to discourage my Christian community the way I’ve been discouraged. Not so I can be built up as some righteous super star, but so they’ll be encouraged to keep the faith, too. Upward spiral!

spiral — SPIRAL UP! (pixabay free images)

in toto

I’m not advocating for anyone to bury their bad feels and pretend everything is great when it’s not. But for the love of your own LIFE please learn from yer ol’ Galloswag and do not waste time pouting, lest you grow into a bitter, shriveled, humiliated grape. Please don’t make your story be “I used to go to church, but now I go around trashing the church.”

Grapple, rassle, yell it out, but KEEP IT MOVING FORWARD. ❤

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*Ephesians 5, 2 Corinthians 11, Revelations 19, 21

**Important caveat: if your church is full of false teachers, get on out of there! You expect to find sinners in a church just like you’d expect to find weak people in a gym. But one of the main goals of a gym is muscle growth, so if a gym’s trainers and longtime members are content pumping 2 pounders, somethin ain’t right. And one of the main goals of a church is spiritual growth, so if a church’s leaders and long-time members are content with their habitual sin and are preaching blasphemy, somethin ain’t right.

*** John 13 , 1 Corinthians 13

Wanted: Social Media Husband

A recent survey* of single females between the ages of 21-40 uncovered an interesting trend: one of the top reasons that women want to get married, second only to “I need someone to open this jar of pickles,” is to amp up their social media game. “I feel like it’s more acceptable to constantly post pictures of yourself when someone else is in them, and it’s under the guise of praising your spouse,” a survey participant explained. But I think we’d all agree that it’s a little crass to get married for real for the sole purpose of jazzing your social media presence. But I’ve never been one to think inside the box, and I’m deeply sensitive to the needs of the single sisterhood. Therefore, I have crafted a handy template for single women everywhere to advertise for Social Media Husbands. Please feel free to use and adapt as necessary – this is my free gift to you!

free image from pixabay.com. Please don’t ask why this wanted sign looks like Captain America’s shield. *sigh* #poorbloggerstruggles

WANTED: Male between the ages of 25-35 to serve as Facebook husband. Minimum 5 year commitment, or until procurement of real husband .

Duties and tasks

Must be willing to change profile status to ‘married’

Minimum picture requirements

Couple shots for
- Valentine’s Day
- Easter
- Independence Day
- Halloween
- Thanksgiving
- Christmas
- Wedding Anniversary
- First-date Anniversary
- First-time-we-met Anniversary
- Every time we eat a meal together

1 “just cause” photo shoot with matching white polos and khakis 1x/year
Inappropriately intimate pic of female sleeping 2x/year
Silly Snapchat face swap 2x/month
Candid shot of female with accompanying flattery and praise 2x/week
Must understand importance of filters that make female look better

Minimum posting requirements

Effusive post praising the sacrificial, ultra-spiritual heart of female 3x/week
React positively to every post of female
Like every one of female’s comments on other users’ posts
Support female in social media battles

Physical requirements

Skin tone needs to complement female’s
Height needs to exceed height of female when wearing 4″ heels
Weight needs to be 30-60 lbs over female’s weight
Eyes need to shine with goodness and humility
Attractiveness needs to be above average, but not so attractive that female seems less attractive by comparison

Please submit applications via direct message. Only applications that include 1) head shot 2) cover letter 3) instagram portfolio will be considered.

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

* Galloswag, 2017, personal imagination.

Public Speaking Tips for the Socially Anxious

This is the longest and least funny of all my posts, but I felt led to share because my dread and avoidance of public speaking held me back socially and professionally for a depressingly long time. I ruled out entire jobs or career tracks if they involved talking to groups of people in any sort of formal way. In undergrad, on the first day of the semester, I would excuse myself to use the restroom so I wouldn’t have to introduce myself to the class. I would have a sick feeling in my tums for weeks leading up to a presentation, and when the time finally came I would just mumble through it as quickly as possible. Finally when I realized I *had* to go to grad school, and in grad school I would *have* to present stuff pretty often, I began to not just suffer through presentations or talks, but actually try to be good at them. It has been a long road full of embarrassing stumbles and inappropriate sweating, but now I’m not bad and kind of enjoy speaking in front of people. So, for those of you who would rather burn off your left pinky toe than speak in front of people, here is some advice from a former public speaking coward just like you.

Care about what you’re saying more than what people think about you When you focus on the best way to convey the info you’re presenting, you stop worrying as much about what you look and sound like. Sometimes it helps to take a step back from your talk and think about what you would want to hear someone else cover if they were giving the same talk. It’s not about you, it’s about the info.

Love your audience, even when they’re ru-ru Empathize with what it’s like to sit and be confused by a rambling speaker. Remember how bored you’ve been, and how it never made you hate or disrespect the speaker. Not once, but *twice* someone has fallen into a deep slumber during one of my presentations. One was an undergrad, but the other was the most prestigious faculty member in my grad program. I won’t lie, it actually made me laugh out loud. Some of the feedback on my talk was, “not sure why Alzheimer’s Disease is funny..” I also had a few sorority girls who used to mean-mug me whenever I taught. I highly recommend that you make a decision to think that sort of stuff is hilarious instead of intimidating, and carry on like your BFFs with everyone in the audience.

Don’t look at people who make you nervous There are some people – my own advisor, actually – who I *cannot* look at while I talk. Some people’s “listening faces” just come across distractingly grumpy, disdainful, bored, angry, etc. Don’t be derailed by accidental RBFs! I suggest looking for those 2-3 ppl who smile bravely and pleasantly throughout your talk, and talk to them.

Don’t plan to be funny This may shock those of you who know my jocular nature, but I **never** plan to crack up my audience. I’m not saying don’t use humor – but 1) if you plan for humor and get very nervous, it usually falls flat and makes you all the more uncomfortable and 2) it’s usually funnier if it’s genuinely in the moment. Trust me – nothing will give your audience the squirmies more than feeling vicarious embarrassment for you after a failed joke.

Practice saying your talk out loud, especially transitions This is an absolute must for me. Even if I can see an image, concept, or info very clearly in my own head (I often organize info in my head as a flow chart, vin diagram, or some other spatial organization), when I start to say it out loud, sometimes I realize it’s *really* difficult to communicate what’s in my head to any human being. One of my sisters is the best at Gallociphering, but most people are lost. So even if you have a great PowerPoint presentation and it all makes sense in your own head, take an hour or two to actually say your talk or presentation out loud. It’s best if you have a friend willing to subject themselves to the torture of listening to your practice. But, it can also work to give your talk to the mirror, or record it on your phone so it you have a bit more pressure to keep from lapsing into “saying” it in your own head. I’m also strangely sensitive to the feel of a room – fluorescent lighting and the smells in nasty old rooms nauseate me when I’m already nervous. So, if possible, try to practice in the same room that you’ll be speaking in. Or at the very least, take a peak and know what the set up will be like.

Don’t write out word for word notes If you don’t have enough time to go through your entire talk, practice saying transitions and main points out loud. What your audience needs the most help with is getting the “take-aways” and drawing the connections between the info you’re presenting. Everyone has to figure out what works best for them, but I’ve found my talks go best when I memorize main points, transitions between slides, and the most complicated or technical concepts and details in my talk. But for the “filler” stuff in your talk, I would leave a little flexibility for yourself to improvise to a certain degree, so you’re not woodenly reading off a script. How much flexibility you give yourself will need to scale with your comfort in public speaking in general. When I first started speaking, I would clam up and go into autopilot, and just rattle through the bare minimum info. But as you get more experience, you’ll become become more comfortable going a little slower, pausing in-between points or slides to make sure you’ve covered everything, or coming up with examples on the fly.

Own your screw ups Sometimes I forget a pertinent piece of info, or a sentence I had smoothly rehearsed comes out as a incoherent jumble of nonsense. In the past this would have mortified me and ruined the rest of my talk. But I’ve learned that it works fine to pause, offer an endearing smile, and say something like, “Let me try that again.” And then carry on.

Visualize success As goofy as it may sound, vividly imagining myself KILLING IT in a talk gives me confidence when I’m actually up there. Whatever you do, don’t imagine yourself failing. You are likely to prophesy your own failure.

Pray Not just for yourself, but for your audience members, too. Especially if they’re going to be evaluating you in some way (e.g. decide whether or not you deserve this job), pray they will be filled with graciousness. Personally, it’s important for me to be anchored in the knowledge that I have access to the most intelligent, powerful being in existence – it reallllly makes those mortal, fallible committee members and undergrads seem much less threatening.

Enjoy it! I used to consider public speaking a miserable ordeal. If anything, I just hoped to survive without dishonoring the family name. But seriously, it’s possible to actually have fun while you speak. Although public speaking DOES have the potential to humiliate you in front of a lot of people, it also has the potential to make you shimmer like a competent diamond in front of a lot of people! Think about how difficult it is to get people’s attention and have influence. Yet for 30 min to an hour, you have a whole room of people’s attention and the opportunity to influence, teach, or convince them of something! Yowza! Don’t waste it 😉

How to be emotinally disabled forever

I talk a lot about how to Forget It and Drive On (aka FIDO), but I was recently convicted about how narrow minded I have been. Some of you don’t feel like FIDOing, but want to Remember and Stay Here (RASH). In honor of symmetry and inclusivity, I’m offering 10 steps that are guaranteed to kick any efforts at FIDOing right where it hurts. This is especially helpful for RASHing when it comes to romantical angst. Lean in and listen up!

sad — Poster RASH child. He’s even sitting down. (pixabay free image)

1) Talk about your heart break obsessively

Talk about it with your mom, sister, friends, hairstylist, Trader Joe’s cashier.. Don’t be duped by sneaky changes of subject – whenever anyone tries to distract you and talk about something uplifting, skillfully work around that positivity and drive your depressing convo down the court (SPORTS REFERENCE!! WHAT?!).

2) Create shrines in physical space

Did you used to get frosty’s with your ex-bf at your neighborhood Wendy’s? Make sure you declare this space Sacred and try to create as few new memories there as possible. That way, if/when you do find yourself at that Wendy’s, you can be flooded with memories of that person. When the moment is right, make sure you confide quietly to your friend group, “I’m sorry.. it’s just that.. we always used to come here for Frosty Friday.” Then let a gentle river of tears run down your cheeks. Quiver your lips for extra effect.

3) Picture obsess

depressed2 — Let’s pretend this dude is staring at a picture (pixabay free image)

Don’t let personal time go to waste doing anything productive or refreshing. Jump on the interwebs, and go through every picture you and your past love ever took together – especially ones that mark momentous occasions (e.g. the first night you kissed). Zoom in on the person’s face. Think about how great you looked together. Print out the pic that brings back the most painful, bittersweet memories, and post on your ceiling so it’s the first thing you see every morning.

4) Define yourself by your pain

It’s important to make sure that this event defines you. You are no longer a 27 year old female with a PhD, you are a heart-broken 27 year old female with a PhD.

5) Never stop asking “But.. Why???!”

stringconspiracy — This is the way to understand why she broke up with you. (this is a meme.. surely no copy-right issues here…?? PLEASE DON’T SUE ME)

Make every attempt to understand every action and intent that led to the situation. Whatever you do, never think to yourself “I may never know – that person’s behavior and those events could have arisen for several different reasons, and that’s okay.” No ma’am! It is *not* okay! I suggest making a string-conspiracy board to figure it out.

6) Revel in the drama

depressed — ^sepia is an excellent way to intensify your feels. (pixabay free image)

Whether you’re feeling sad, mad, guilty, jealous, etc., make sure you just dive headfirst in that ocean of dramatic feels. Make it clear to everyone that you are A LITTLE EMOTIONAL RIGHT NOW. One of my fave ways to do this is to post cryptic, depressing status updates on social media.

7) Split your life epochs around the event / person

Thinking about your life in years, education (e.g. high school, college, grad school), or jobs will not do. The period of your life before you dated Jo-Jo is now “Pre- Jo-Jo” and the time after “Post- Jo-Jo”. Everything hinges on this event. It has split your heart, therefore it must split your life.

8) Refuse to cut your losses or accept that you may have been snookered (aka taken advantage of)

If you think someone wronged you, obsess over how you could have avoided the situation in the first place, how you can seek revenge, or how you can avoid EVER being taken advantage of again. Bonus: guaranteed to ruin all future relationships, romantic or otherwise!

9) Make playlist of feelsy music

Think along the lines of James Blunt’s “Goodbye my Lover.” Whatever music gives you the feels and reminds you of the person, play it loud, play it proud, play it on a loop.

10) Binge watch movies and TV shows that give you the feels

Similarly, stick in that rom com or rom dram that reminds you the most of your relationship when it was happy, and let your ticker marinate in the misery. Think about how your reality was so close to whichever fictional story. Decide that you deserve for that fictional story to be your life.

Good luck, RASHers! Let me know how this goes for you!

Have any more useful RASH tips? Please send them into me!