galloblog

An immodest proposal for the reinstatement of arranged marriages

I don’t know why so many people pretend like having a dynamo dating life is living the dream. Oh yes, it is an utter delight to either get your heart broken, break someone else’s heart, or both.

“Poppycock!” – Dr. Galloswag

But dating sucks because we moderns have made it suck. Our past few generations have an undue obsession with relationships and romance. I mean, smart, good lookin’, healthy, goodhearted, financially stable people feel legitimately bad – like, they don’t even enjoy their life – simply because they’re single. And one of the main reasons they are single is *not* because there is no one available. It’s because, with each of the 1,482 different people they met through HarmoniousBagelMatch in the past month, “we didn’t have a romantic connection,” or “our Myers-Briggs types were incompatible,” or “she had man hands.”

In the olden days, they didn’t have time to worry about this nonsense. They were fleeing angry ostriches or trying to resist eating their own toes during the winter. I doubt pre-modern women often looked over at pre-modern Jo-Jo and thought, “I don’t know, he just doesn’t make me laugh.”

Right now we’ve become way too picky because we have too many options. We now rule people out for having unseemly arm hair because— we can. There’s this itch in the back of our heads – “I can do better.”

When you have this many options, you’re bound to 1) take forever to choose 2) be certain you *could* have made a better choice, no matter what you choose (pixabay image)

But what does that mean, exactly – to “do better?” Have we really reduced personal relationships to a game of ego, where we’re all trying to outsmart the system and snag someone who is just a tad out of our league?

This is why we need to return to arranged marriages. It doesn’t have to be quite as parentally-subservient as it was in the past. Each person should construct a 4-6 person “Matrimonial Selection Committee,” between the ages of 18 and 25. Within one year of selecting the MSC, they need to present to the committee their non-negotiables (e.g. “loves Tim Keller) and perhaps a few special preferences (e.g. “uses emojis liberally”). The MSC will then take this information and undergo a 6-12 month search for a suitable mate. At the end of said search, they will present the person with their choice. The person can say yes, or be single for the rest of their life. Simple.

Look, this may seem overly cut-and-dry, but it’s really not. As Lewis Smedes and Tim Keller argue – the promising and commitment is what gives us the security and freedom to truly invest in each other and love without fear of abandonment (in TK’s The Meaning of Marriage). So I’m pretty sure that if we just made a commitment to almost anyone with the same general values (or faith, if you have one), we would flourish like a well-watered begonia.

begonia-2386043_960_720 — Picky singles, this could be you. (pixabay image)

Arranged marriages, FTW!

Pity the Fool

When I was 12, I shocked my local community of braced youths by forgoing my chance to snag the most bomb guy in middle school.* We were a hot item for quite a while — meaningfully passing each other the basketball during pick-up games, boldly standing in the same 10 ft.² area of space, making eye contact when we laughed at something… you know, the type of intimacy that makes a 12 year old girl’s heart do cartwheels.

younglove — Actual picture of me and my crush when I was 12. Huh, he wore more lipstick than I remember. (pixabay image)

BUT THEN, my well-meaning oldest sister – overwhelmed by the awkward absurdity of middle-school crushes, I suppose – went and told my crush that I “like-liked” him.

*Gasp*

*Blush*

*Die*

Instead of being relieved that my “secret” crush was revealed, I had a panic attack. Then, like a true irrational and hysterical woman, I proceeded to go out of my way to implement strategic snubbery to make sure he understood I was 100% uninterested. I all but told this dude to talk to the hand. I’m still not even sure what my goals were in this – I think I was just embarrassed, and maybe scared shoot-less that he didn’t like me as much as I liked him (?). Oh, the horror!

Shamefully, I kept elements of this self-defeating defensiveness into early adulthood.** Each relationship began this weird game of “how little can I show him I care about him?” I would hold back to see how much skin in the game the guy had before I would give even the teensiest indication that I valued him a little bit more than my faithful philodendrun. I adopted an economic strategy – try to find the best guy possible (maximize benefits) that will tolerate me putting in the least amount of effort (minimize costs). Because I won’t be no fool for anyone! Shazam!

Ack. What a fool I was, trying not to be a fool.

Man is nought but folly’s slave,
From the cradle to the grave.
W. H. Ireland—Modern Ship of Fools.

I’m especially convicted when I think about Jesus and his romantic pursuit of his Bride.*** Does anyone look at the cross – at a man who laid his life down for people whoring after things that lead to death – and think “Ugh, what a silly fool.” No. Anyone who fully absorbs the cross falls at his feet in worship. His kindness leads us to repentance, and then we restructure every part of our lives accordingly.

Who is the fool: Jesus, or the person who sees the cross – in all of its gory and tangible expression of love – and says, “meh”?

There seems to be a strange, paradoxical truth: The person who loves the least is the fool. Someone to be pitied for their hardness of heart and stubborn refusal to allow themselves to be fully loved. And the person who loves the most is the hero. Someone to be followed, and admired for their tenderness of heart and stubborn refusal to be selfish.

Pity the fool.

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*The middle school of my homeschool group, whatever that is worth. Jk, he was actually pretty adorbs, even by elite public school standards. *snorts*

**This was undergrad, so I use the term “adult” loosely

***Aka the church

BREAKING: It’s okay to take a break from constantly questioning your faith!

I dated a guy a while back who took DTRing to a new level. We were talking about “us” before we had time for an us to grow. No jokes, our dates were like listening to a live commentary on our dates, by us. It was disorienting and exhausting.

I don’t say this to be ungracious to a former Gallolover (lolz), but to make the point that as essential as DTRing can be, it is not essential at all times. In fact, sometimes it’s plum inappropro. Most times, it’s nice to enjoy each other at whatever stage the relationship happens to be in. If you constantly have to bring everything to a screeching halt to pick apart, analyze, and forecast future directions for your relationship, true intimacy will shrivel like a salted snail.

Let your intimacy be a healthy, thriving snail! Ewww! Nm. You get it. (image from pixabay)

Now, let’s pivot from romanticals to Jesus-lovin’.

Theological investigations are great. Especially if you’ve been in the church since birth and have been following Jesus since you remember having conscious thought, it’s important to update your theology as your knowledge grows and your capacity for critical thinking develops. Yes indeedy – sometimes my faith hasn’t been able to “move on” until I gain some sort of enlightenment on a theological quandary that has been bothering me.

That being said — if I stay in the questioning or conceptual mode for too long it’s like being in a constant DTR with God, instead of just enjoying who He is and living out what I do know and understand. My intimacy with God shrivels like a salted snail.

I don’t want to discourage honest inquiry, and I definitely don’t think your intelligence should be laid aside for some sort of vague mysticism that doesn’t clearly delineate a spiritual experience from indigestion. I do want to encourage you to create space in your life to enjoy who Jesus is and just… rest.

rest_kermit — Kermit gets it. (image from pixabay)

Selah.

Help you help me

“If you don’t have something good to blog, don’t blog anything at all.”

^Solid advice, mes amis- which I will boldly ignore.

I try to be somewhat orig and not just use my blog as an outlet to rant,* but rant I shall.

cockatoo-182309_960_720 — Yes! Soar, cockatoo, soar! (image from pixabay)

Most of my close friends and associates know that getting my PhD – instead of launching me into the future like a confident cockatoo – has lobbed me into a full-blown identity crisis. I find this intensely annoying, as 16 year old Galloswag pretty much charted out her life until “get PhD,” with complete confidence that Dr. Galloswag could take it from there. Well guess what, y’all – Dr. Galloswag is feeling like a lost pool noodle being tossed about the stormy waves of Life. #poetry

But to the main crux of my rant – people cannot stand this identity crisis of mine. They want to solve it – NOW! So many people have solved my identity crisis in a mere 30 minutes, it’s truly amazing. The only problem is, after they cobble together my life plan as I sit there nodding dumbly, the inner Galloswag sez, “NOOOOOOOOO!” And I’m back to square one.

So what is the purpose of this rant – not to be ungrateful to anyone who has tried to help me process through my options – but to offer a helpful shot of wisdom to my fellow identity-crisis-ers. As ol’ Solly sez, “With many counselors [plans] succeed.”** But if I may add, sometimes many counselors bring chaos. Especially if all the counselors are confidently telling you completely different things. At some point, we analytic-paralytics need to just bite the bullet and make a decision. A decision that 9/10 of our counselors will be gravely disappointed in (the people-pleaser in me writhes in agony at the very idea!).

^me after the 37th person gives me advice that if I don’t follow, my life will be ruin’t. (image from pixabay)

So the second purpose of this rant, I s’pose, is if you happen to be a counselor— slow your roll. You don’t need to solve someone else’s life. Most of the time they just want someone to listen to them and be supportive, but they need to figure things out on their own. Trust me – it’s better this way —- so when they inevitably screw up their life they can’t blame it on you 😀 teehee

Here’s to young(ish)-life crises!

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*Jk. This blog is almost 100% me ranting.

**Proverbs 15:22

Give me feels, or give me death

I’m a feeler, y’all.

When I’m mad, I sputter angrily. When I’m sad, I cry piteously. When I’m guilty, my tummy feels nauseatingly twisty. When I lolz, it’s a wild cackle, sometimes accompanied with hearty snorts. When I’m infatuated, I feel like throwing tulip petals over Atlanta as I fly around on a magic carpet with my infatuater.

As you can imagine, stoicism is not my strong suit.

A few years ago, I got tired of being feelsy. And guess what? I was successful! During these years, I truly had less drama. I didn’t get mad or cry very much. Life was so serene. But, I never want to go back to that place.

Why? Because I also didn’t lolz very much. Most disappointingly, there was not even *one* magic carpet ride. 😥

Why? Well, the secret to stop feeling is to stop loving and caring about people. You cannot love without hurting.* Except myself, of course. I somehow manage to never stop caring about myself. And that’s just an icky way to live.

If you pride yourself on being “drama free,” or brag that you don’t really grieve over your exes or lost friendships – shame on you. What are you gaining, except numbness to the people around you? No thank you, Louie Baloo.

Give me the angry sputters, give me piteous cries, give me the tummy twists. Because they are a symptom of caring and loving. And because magic carpet rides are SO worth it. *snorts*

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*At least for a feeler like me. If you are a stoïque d’amour, WRITE YOUR OWN BLOG.

The libra part of me insists that I offer a balanced view of this. Obvs, some people are able to take very loving action without feeling particularly worked up. And it’s probably not healthy to always be at the extreme ends of positive and negative emotions.

6 every-day terrorists you should learn about NOW

I don’t like to be dramatic, but I am surrounded by terrorists. Yes, people who strike fear and hatred into even my tenderest of hearts. People who make the world a worse place for everyone.

The most insidious part of it all is that most of these terrorists go unrecognized, and their reign of terror marches on unabashedly. The burden falls on me to call out these commonplace, run-of-the-mill DESTROYERS OF JOY for what they are: every-day terrorists.

Ready? You should take notes.

1) Gym screamers

gymyell — This dude is undoubtedly going to let out an obnoxious squeal. The orange shoes guarantee it. (pixabay image)

We’ve all been there – you’re keeping to yourself, being a model gym citizen, and then you hear it – half tortured yet half rapturous, someone is squealing and hollering with each rep. Are they feeling extreme pain? Are they feeling inappropriate pleasure? No one knows exactly, but we all know that we feel wildly uncomfortable.

2) Chronic flakes

Not to be confused with corn flakes, these are those people who take a perverse delight in contacting you regularly to hang out, and then canceling last minute. Cancel once – nbd. Cancel twice – jokes on me. Cancel thrice – leave me be.

3) Eaters of boiled eggs in the work place

smelly — ^emergency response (pixabay image)

Thought sulfur warfare was the stuff of Old Testament curses? Not if your co-worker Brad has rolled out his lean-protein-diet on the cheap.

4) Humorless hacks

Aka, people who don’t laugh at my jokes. Basically useless human beings.

5) People who are beautiful without trying

jennifergarner — Googles “Jennifer Garner without makeup.” Weeps. (rando interweb pic – please don’t sue!)

*incensed, Gallohag sets her 1,394 beauty products on fire*

6) Plate food intermixers

mixedplate — WARNING: GRAPHIC IMAGE (pixabay image)

Friend: “Ima just let this bean juice run all up in this here coleslaw..”

Me: *vomits*

These are the top 6. Is it coincidental that if you have three 6s together, you have the el numero de diablo?

If you have additional terrorist types to report, please notify me immediately. Our happiness, nay – our future.. NAY – our children’s happiness in the future with how happy our future was with their happy future !!!! depends on it.

A smart jerk is still a jerk

Okay, so you’re a rocket scientist… that don’t impress me much. – Shania Twain

As dangerous as a little knowledge is, even more dangerous is much knowledge without a strong, principled character. – Ghandi

And if I … understand all mysteries and all knowledge, … but have not love, I am nothing. – 1 Corinthians 13:2*

This year I graduated 22^nd grade. You heard me – a full decade of post-high-school education! Yowza. I’ve been deep in the dark recesses of academia for a while, surrounded by all the smartie-pants.

They are many fab things about working around and being friends with smarties. They sharpen you. They don’t let you get away with lazy thinking, or holding too tightly to untested assumptions. Even my lunches have been subject to the critical appraisal of my labmates, no lolz. So, I highly recommend having at least a few hard-core smarties in your life.

okay-so-youre-593be5 — Shania gets it, y’all.

**BUT** please don’t romanticize the intelligentsia. Being smart and/or educated (trust me, these are not mutually inclusive!) just means that .. you’re smart and educated. It doesn’t make you a good friend, it doesn’t give you good character, it doesn’t give you wisdom. It doesn’t even necessarily mean that you live out what you know. Seriously – people accuse Christians of being hypocritical, but great googly moogly! I know so many academics who – in stubborn refusal to acknowledge decades of nutrition research – rebelliously guzzle diet cokes and stuff pizza in their faces as they listen to a talk on the risk factors of Alzheimer’s disease.**

Smarties can also be arrogant and dismissive, especially to those who are not as intellectually gifted. #dumblivesmatter

Smarties can also apply their knowledge in a destructive way. I hate to play the Nazi card, but I’m going to play the Nazi card. Germans were highly educated. They weren’t in-bred rednecks who got super drunk one night and decided to go on a killing spree. There is a horrifying logic to eugenics, actually.

So what’s my point — not that being intelligent makes you evil. It’s just.. one – and only one – feature that’s pretty coolio. But please, please don’t over-glorify it. Being loving, kind, joyful, a peacemaker, humble, good, faithful, gentle, having self-control*** those are the qualities that are truly unique and praiseworthy. Maybe being intelligent will help you live some of these out more fully, but being smart is not sufficient, and probably not even necessary to have this kind of character.

So sure – let’s all give up a golf clap for smart people, but let’s not go into standing ovation territory. And if you happen to be brilliant, get over yourself – and make sure you seek out the mentorship of people who will help corral your smarts for good and not evil.

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*edited for conciseness, but it’s a beautiful chapter so read the whole caboodle!

** FYI artificial sweeteners and diets high in saturated fat can increase your risk of AD #thatonewasforfree #yourewelcome #shamelessselfpromotion

*** You good church folks are probably noticing I’m getting a little FRUITY!!

“Meme Tagging” added as 6th love language

A soul tie established by meme tags is not easily broken.

Author Gary Chapman recently tweeted that he just finished writing a substantial update to his 1995 book, “The Five Love Languages: How to express heartfelt commitment to your mate.” Initially, Chapman identified gift-giving, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and physical touch as the five major ways that humans give and receive love.

Over 20 years later, he’s realized that his book is woefully out of date and needs to reflect the central role technology now plays in modern relationships. One new love language has become foundational in modern relationships and must be incorporated into the Love Language paradigm if today’s youths are going to understand love at all: meme tagging.

couplelaughing — This couple tagged each other in so many memes that now they can just reminisce about the meme tags for a good belly laugh (pixabay image)

“A recent study from Stanford University indicated that tagging your romantic partner in a humorous meme at least once per day can predict with 94% accuracy whether or not you will be together four years later,” Chapman explained to me during a phone interview. “What’s more, over 9 in 10 men and 7 and 10 women indicated that frequent meme tags by their romantic partner was either “very important” or “extremely important” to their relationship satisfaction.”

Intrigued, my team of investigative journalists and I flew to Stanford to better understand this phenomenon by conducting qualitative interviews with students on the Stanford campus. The information we received from one couple was especially enlightening. Clarice, a 22 year old film major at Stanford, explained “When I’m tagged in a meme, I know someone loves me enough to bring a smile to my face.” Kevin, her 25 year old unemployed boyfriend, corroborated the importance of meme tagging with a personal anecdote. “In my last relationship, my girlfriend was very promiscuous with her meme tags. She tried to tell me it was just for fun, but I knew she was lying. The soul-ties established by meme tags are powerful and long-lasting.” Kevin added that he aims to tag Clarice in at least three memes a day as an expression of his devotion. “A chord of three strands is not easily broken,” he told me gravely.

couplephone2 — Clarice and Kevin couldn’t even stop sharing their love while we interviewed them. Get a room, guys. (pixabay image)

Chapman plans to re-release his updated book this summer. Pick up a copy at your local bookstore, and open up your heart to an entirely new way to give and receive love.

The Unveiling of the Evangegym!

As many of you know, I’m very passionate about health and have a borderline obsession with strength training. Recently I’ve been contemplating my next career move, and I have finally settled on the perfect idea. I plan to open an Evangegym!

Core values of my gym –

Total Definition

My goal: for your WHOLE body to be ripped!

Unconditional Entrance

open 24/7 to members

Limited Breaks

No texting on weight machines!

Irresistible Glutes

Glutes for Life! #G4L

Perseverance of the Trained

Training with a certified personal trainer secures eternal fitness!

sprints — Run with the Sun and the Son! Ohhhh snapppp!!! (image from pixabay)

Classes offered

Pontius Pilates
Spirit Stretches
Run with the Son
Pressin’ for Blessin’s
a.m. Yoga with Yahweh
Rows with the Bros [in Christ]

yoga — Yoga is very Christian – those are Spirit fingers pointing to heaven! (image from pixabay)

stretching-498256_960_720 — No one said it would be easy, dear ones. (image from pixabay)

Don’t ignore what’s stirring in your heart! Join my gym today by sending me a one-time, lifetime membership fee (once a member, always a member!) of $10,000 (SENIOR DISCOUNT ONLY $5,000!!).

bodybuilder-646482_960_720 — If this pic doesn’t pump you up, I don’t know what will! (image from pixabay)

Let’s run the race together!

When fools rush in: How to survive a Jo-Jo storm

Morton salt - When it Rains It Pours-8x6 — (from http://www.thisdayinquotes.com/2009/11/when-it-rains-it-pours-started-out-as_06.html)

There seems to be a social contagion with romance and attraction, and I have a strong suspicion that males have special sensors that alert them to females who just recently went on a date. Many of my friends and I have been through seasons of life in which we were tortured with an invasion of men who are great in some ways, but have preexisting conditions that make them unsuitable for the long haul. Lo, they’re suddenly all around you, like a heavily cologned swarm of brosquitos.

Initially this is all It’s raining men, Hallelujah! But quickly it becomes Poor poor pitiful me | Oh these boys won’t let me be | Lord have mercy on me | Woe woe is me!* What is a girl to do? Should you casually date one, some, or all Jo-Jo(s) indefinitely until Prince Perfecto** comes riding in? Is someone better than no one?

Pfft. Only if you want to ruin your life, bring shame to your family and community, and contribute to global warming! Please consider the following –

– Opportunity Cost, yo If you’re out with Jo-Jo, Prince Perfecto may not pursue you because he’ll see that you’re taken. And he might even judge you a little for having a taste for Jo-Jo. And honestly.. can you blame him? Or, you’ll be so distracted that you won’t even notice or be emotionally available when he does put out “feelers” for your interest.

– Remember the ghosts of Jo-Jos past I have a good amount of respect for most of the men I’ve dated, but there are some man-children who I’m … remorseful … to have ever dated. So if you’re asking, “What do I have to lose by going on a few dates with this guy?” Galloswag sez, “Your dignity, woman!

– Have a heart Even if you’re a rough and tough woman who can easily date without getting attached, that “fill-in” you’re dating may not share your vision for having no vision of a future with him. It’s pretty ru-ru and selfish to waste someone’s time. #JoJoFeelsMatter

– Learn to live all by yourself If you are intensely miserable by yourself, anyone will seem like an upgrade. But if you craft a full life of friends, adventure, and purpose, you’ll be much less tempted to accept someone’s attentions just because you need a distraction from your lamé life. YOLO, so make your solo L count.

– Get an accountabuddy! Have a friend – I find older, married women especially helpful for this – whom you feel comfortable sharing your dating life with. Tell them what’s up, even when your dating life is a horror show. A few times, a major motivator for me to prevent a Jo-Jo-continuation was knowing that I would have to explain myself later to a woman I had deep respect for.

– Get out of the Jo-Jo pond Sometimes we tally our catches, rank them, and then choose whoever is at the top. But don’t get tunnel vision and feel pressured into choosing between your currently available options. Sometimes “none of the above” is the right answer.

Not wasting time with Jo-Jos may not automatically cue the entrance of Prince Perfecto (who has apparently been in a deep coma from the moment you came of age), but I do promise it will help prevent your soul from being pummeled with upsettedness and futility in the meantime. Stay strong, my shimmering stars of singleness!

This is how I see all of my single sistren. Try not to get to emotional! (pixabay free images)

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*The Weather Girls and Linda Ronstadt, respectively.

**I actually mean Mr. Ideal, but Prince Perfecto is both an alliteration and rhymes with Jo-Jo and I couldn’t resist. #artisticlicense