All of us have our guilty pleasure romantic comedy favorites, but I think we can all agree that most plot lines to rom coms are unrealistic, and even worse, secular. Recently there has been a push among evangelical Christians for more realistic films about romance in the modern Church. Here at the top 5 must-see Christian rom coms that will gratify the realist in us all.
10,000,000 Things I Prayed About You This is your classic boy meets girl, boy prays about whether or not to pursue girl for 3 years, in the meantime girl meets, dates, gets engaged, and marries someone else.
Several Okay Days Tough-as-nails single mom appropriately guards her heart against the advances of charming millionaire playboy. Dies alone
You Don’t Got Mail Young lady still living at home with parents signs up for online dating and begins a warm email exchange with a witty gentleman. Parents discover the emails and block witty gentleman so their daughter can focus on dating Jesus and nannying her siblings’ kids.
Focused in Philly Independent woman witnesses a murder, is assigned a darkly dangerous and handsome bodyguard to protect her until the court trial. Sparks fly. Man maintains professional conduct and they part ways amicably after the trial.
Not Knocked Up Troubled bad boy moves in next door to awkward teenage girl. They develop and unexpected friendship until girl’s dad sees his tattoos and forbids future contact. She obeys and begins dating her effeminate childhood friend.
Coming soon to a weird, indie theater far from you!
Brad shares a deep insight into the scripture reading, and your heart leaps within you in affirmation. When you expand on Brad’s idea with a vulnerable example from your own spiritual journey, his eyes lock with yours for an electrifying moment. Before you even realize what’s happening, your very souls are linked together.
We can all relate to those times in your church small group when you and another member are just really jiving, and whether you like it or not, you just formed a soul tie.
Although these experiences can be heady, they are deleterious to our future relationships. Take it from Mary Anne McAllister, a long-suffering victim of an accidental soul tie despite being married for seven years to the man of her dreams. “I try to connect to my husband when we pray together, but all I can think about when I close my eyes is that one time when Jo-Jo McGee said ‘yes Lord’ in response to one of my prayers back in 2006.”
Rex Hood, a self-educated theologian and pastor, is offering freedom from these soul ties. “The best solution is prevention, obviously. I think we would all agree that any sort of connection with anyone who is not your future spouse will lead to devastating emotional and spiritual consequences for the rest of your life. But if the worst happens and you accidentally bond with someone of the opposite sex in your Christian community, there are certain… options.”
From here, the details get a little mysterious. Rex’s professional site does not disclose his particular methods, and his entire business relies on personal recommendations. He does have a 3.5 star rating on yelp, with some customer’s claiming “$500 is worth freeing my soul from over a decade of intimate, mixed-sex small group discussions!” He has, however, been spotted entering the homes of soul-tie victims with essential oils, a 4 ft wooden cross, and Michael W. Smith cds.
Rex remains unfazed by some accusations that charging $500 to sever each soul tie is a bit exploitative. “If you don’t think your soul is worth at least $500, I probably can’t help you anyway.”
For those with knotted souls and a little extra cash, it just may be worth it.
C. Gallo is a freelance writer in Atlanta, GA. She enjoys writing lies that make her lolz. Some of the characters in this story may be fictional, then again they may be real. Any resemblance to real persons or businesses might be on purpose, to cause controversy and drive up her blog views.
ATLANTA, GA – Local Christian radio station Ghost Jamz FM recently announced they are going to host a new music festival for Atlanta citizens.
“The name ‘stable knees’ is a double pun of sorts,” Mike McMahon, host of the Ghost Jamz morning radio segment Laughs with the Lord explained. “One, as praying people, we get on our knees frequently to petition the Lord. Two, we want to emphasize how stable our walk is because there will NOT be adult beverages served at this concert.”
The concert announcement is firm in it’s zero tolerance policy for alcohol of drugs of any kind. “If there are any smoky odors in this crowd, it better be from an altar of incense made of acacia wood,” McMahon warned.
The concert is listed to feature some Christian music giants, including Chris Tomlin. Some rumors have leaked that mature audiences might be blessed with a pop-up performance from Christian music veterans Petra. Simultaneously, youth choirs of local churches will be performing secular pop songs dubbed over with Christian lyrics. The Bethlehem Baptist Timothies have promised on social media they plan to perform a Christianized version Bebe Rexe’s and Florida Georgia’s Line Meant to Be with a Calvinist twist.
“The main purpose of this event is to show that we can do watered-down, sub-par knock-offs of secular events,” Ghost Jamz Marketing and Promotions Czar Heather Fluff stated in a press release.
The entry cost is free, but donations of $50 are expected.
Several of C. Gallo’s former friends and estranged relatives have accused the famous blogger of multiple counts of inappropriate texting behavior. Some of the allegations span back to 2005, when she received her first Nokia cellphone.
“I would text Claire to invite her on a date for Friday night, and she wouldn’t text me back until Saturday and pretend she had just seen it,” disclosed one man, who asked to be given the pseudonym “Gallolover4L.”
Even members of C. Gallo’s own family came forward, claiming that she rarely responds to group texts. “C. Gallo mutes group texts with family- I checked her phone once when she left the room without it,” said her sister, adding, “She also takes way too many pictures of herself in the car.”
Other complaints centered around C. Gallo’s liberal use of millennial slang in her texts. “…’I don’t feel like talking rn’? She doesn’t feel like talking to a registered nurse? … ‘Totes McGoats’? Is that a new type of handbag? … ‘Your vacation pics are giving me fomo’? Is this a disease?” her Dad asked, scrolling through his text history.
Recently leaked footage from traffic cams show C. Gallo engrossed with her texting and missing entire green lights at some of the busiest intersections in Atlanta, prompting a Tweetstorm against C. Gallo. The critics are organizing around the hashtag #TrueTextsWait
The accusations came as a shock to the elite blogging community. C. Gallo has long-been touted as an advocate for Android users with restricted emoji access, and is admired by many for her lightning-fast text replies.
At the time this article was written, C. Gallo was not available for comment.
C.S. Lewis is beloved among the Christian community for his allegorical fantasy fiction and strong apologetics for the Christian faith. Recently however, the Christian community reeled with shock at the content within manuscripts discovered in the back of Lewis’ work desk. Watson Button, who purchased the desk at an estate sale, explained dazedly “My wife and I expected to maybe find a rough outline for a new fantasy novel or something, but nothing prepared us for this.” What the Buttons discovered was an entire compilation of secret books expressing a wild devotion to health and veganism. For the sake of brevity, only the following titles and brief descriptions are given below.
Surprised by Soy
Lewis describes the exciting twists and turns of his 3 month “meatless Monday” journey.
A Beef Observed
A grave look at the meat production industry, and a call to action to stop cow genocide.
Considered a classic among veganists, this book provides a powerful logical case for veganism that even the most avid meat lovers would be hard pressed to dismiss.
The Lychee, the Rib, and the Hearth Stove
This epic novel follows the journey of three children who discover an enchanted hearth stove that sucks them into a world full of wonder and excitement, complete with a benevolent lychee and a sinister rack of spare ribs.
The Problem of Cane (Sugar)
Lewis tackles the universal question, “Why am I craving gummy worms right now?”
The Dietician’s Cashew
A high fantasy novel for children follows the story of a single cashew and his fight to be recognized as an alternate source of protein.
Needless to say, the these books have left Christians to thrash wildly in a bewildering sea of questions. Is Lewis still a credible theologian? Are there latent messages in his fictional stories that may be perverting the minds of our children, leaving them vulnerable to vegan propaganda? Can we trust a man who wouldn’t eat at Chick-fil-A?!
Only one thing is certain- we cannot simply say veganism is a fine diet to adhere to. No! Veganism is either the way to health, or it is utter nonsense. None of us- not one- can be indifferent.
I recently started a new position at my university. It always takes a little time to assimilate to a new work culture, but this department is especially bewildering. It’s not just that I went from a department with entire colloquiums about pair-bonding to a department that’s more interested in base pairs. Nay… nay! It’s more than that.
The very halls of this department are saturated in mystery.
First, there is the Vanishing Succulent Enthusiast. In the break room, the perverted remains of a misguided Pinterest project pervade the counter space. Cacti in a cass dish– why didn’t I think of that?! Oh, bc it’s creepy and nonsensical that’s why. Who put them here? No one knows.. supposedly. Yet they haven’t died, which means **someone** is tending them. Who could this be?
Especially strange is the Spoon of Encouragement embedded within the cacti. Have you ever been feeling down, and just longed for a spoon to come out of nowhere and lift your spirits? Then this break-room is for you! Look no further than within the prickly beasts taking up 40% of the viable counterspace! This utensil of cheer has taught me a simple but profound truth: it’s not the food on the inside of your spoon that’s important, it’s the message on the outside of your spoon! Selah But.. what is the source of this spoon’s sapiency??
Let us now consider the Powder Room du Femme Greenhouse. Gone are the days in which we all had to muster up the courage to poo sans the comfort of nature. It’s so simple— all that unused counterspace is perfect for a full plant display to delight the senses of all restroom patrons. Just breathe it in.*
What remains to be determined is if and how the same VSE is responsible for these potty plants.** Stay tuned!!
The intrigue of the plants was only recently surpassed by the Sock of the Survivor. This laundry enigma debuted on December 19, 2017, tossed carelessly on the floor. Despite some diligent sleuthing, I was never able to identify a Unisocker among my colleagues. Thus, I can only conclude that the sock came from an extra-departmental source. Was it a message from the humanities that was too symbolic for us hard scientists to grasp? Did a frustrated lab tech rip it off in a fit of rage after a botched PCR attempt??
One week later, someone – exactly who was never determined – relocated the sock from the floor to the bench outside of my lab. It remained there for several weeks, generating a buzz of speculation amongst my labmates and I. We considered taking turns wearing it, as a symbol of the post-modern absurdism that permeates our daily lives.
But alas, not even two days ago, the sock was gone. Did the original sock-wearer find it and go away rejoicing? Did the sock creep away to another department floor, desperately seeking a new adventure?
So many questions, very few answers. But that’s why I’m a scientist I suppose – the mysteries, the unknowns, they thrill me!
The holidays are supposed to be a holly-jolly time with loved ones, but they can also be a hairy-scary time with pinterest as you frantically try to whip up some rum-spiked eggnog cake with peppermint frosting.
Galloswag is here to declare: Don’t let your ability to make merry be sabotaged by the culinary pressures of the holiday season! I have a few tricks up my sleeve that are guaranteed to release you completely from all of the stress, fatigue, time, money, and emotional breakdowns that inevitably occur during holiday food preparations.
What’s the secret? Well, just between you and me…
The secret is to get all your friends and family to stop asking you to bring food to any holiday gatherings.
Sounds to good to be true?? Read and learn, my friends — read and learn!!! These are tried-and-true methods that either I or my family members have empirically tested and proven to be successful.
·Make your dishes memorably terrible
oYou can’t half-ass this, folks. I’m not talking about rolling up to Christmas dinner with an underwhelming pot of green beans. The key here is to make a strong, negative impression on all the guests. One of my personal favorites is leave out whichever ingredients make the dish good. For example – mom asks me to make some homemade hot cocoa? Sure thing, but I’ll leave out the sugar. My aunt needs me to whip up a batch of mashed potatoes? Gladly, but those taters will arrive sans buerre.
oA second technique that is a nuanced yet sophisticated variation of the “leave out the gooduns” described above was perfected by my brother. He doesn’t just leave out what’s good, he leaves out what makes the dish the dish. Yep — leave pumpkin out of the pumpkin pie and chuckle to yourself as your family reels in shock.
oThird, simply omit important steps of the recipe process. All the ingredients are there, but you masterfully manage to still ruin the texture somehow. A simple example of this is to not drain pasta before mixing in the sauce. Turn that mac ‘n cheese into a watery soup with floating pieces of pasta and just a subtle hint of velveeta. They will be incensed!
oIf passive omission isn’t quite your style, you can always aggressively substitute ingredients until the entire dish is unrecognizable. Trade that butter for apple sauce, sugar for molasses, pasta for potatoes, cilantro for parsley, and pretty soon you will have a disastrous cacophony of flavors that is sure to distress the most appeasable of palates.
·Insist on making the main dish, but then show up 3 hours late.
oThis is advanced technique that can only work if you are a central figure in the family. If you are the rando fiancé of the weird cousin that lives far away, this is too bold for you. If you have a mind for long-term strategy, the key is to spend the other 364 days of the year tricking your family into believing you are dependable enough to carry the weight of the main dish. Then, take that trust and crush it under your heel as the bellies of your family members ache with hunger.
·… I wish I had 3 points, but I don’t. This is a cotton-pickin’ blog, not Southern Living! Gah!
Alright, I’ve given you the tools — it’s up to you to use them skillfully. Work on one or two of these techniques now so you’ll never have to work another holiday again!
Dearest readers, it has been a tumultuous few weeks. My courtship with John Crist began slowly, like a lovely, delicate rose unfolding in the enchanted glow of the rising sun. He made me think, he made me laugh. He sent notifications to my YouTube account specifically whenever he uploaded a new video. So intentional! ❤ Even from those hauntingly brief video clips, I was getting delicious tastes of his soul. Then I discovered that our childhoods were so similar that we’re essentially one person in two bodies. We both grew up 1) homeschooled 2) christian 3) in the same metro-area in the southern US 4) with political parents. You may not believe this, but we also have 5) a similar shade of brown hair. Coincidence…? Um, sure —- If God’s divine hand is coincidence!
The tender bud of love really evolved into a mature bloom when he traveled all the way across the country to visit my city. When I went to his comedy show, I could tell he was bewitched by my modest beauty because he gazed longingly in my direction whenever he said the punchline to a joke. I sat there with my hands clasped nervously to my bosom, feeling my heart beating wildly. I also took Desiring God’s online quiz to evaluate relationship compatibility, and we were matched as Ruth and Boaz Compatibility. Huzzah! I proposed to him publicly, and publicly accepted my proposal on his behalf. Yowza! Now the petals of love were blowing wildly in the winds of whirly-twirly romance!
But then.. those same petals – once so plump and full of life and energy – fell to the ground and were smushed by the heel of sorrowful reality.
What happened? Well for one, he did nothing to guard my heart. He never once clarified our relationship, or let it progress at a healthy speed (many Christian relationship experts recommend one chaperoned date per month for the first two years). Instead, he sent me video after video after video, letting me fall more and more and more in love with him. I was a helpless victim to his romantic advances.
And then, he betrayed me. I discovered this during a lunch date with my friend Amber. We were both happily chatting about our men, and then we discovered “our men” was one man — John Crist. Apparently, this Casanova had been sending her personal YouTube notifications, too – during the exact same time period.
The final smush to our love-rose came when I discovered that he stole from me. Imagine the pain that lacerated my heart when I saw that he took the humor thesis of one of Galloblog’s about nothing posts and made a meme from it… giving me no credit whatsoever. What made this betrayal especially ironic was that the entire joke centered around sharing memes being an expression of love! I can only use reverse logic then, to conclude that stealing a meme is an expression of .. not even hate.. but indifference! Indifference to our engagement! Our love! Our future little Gallocrists!
Needless to say, the engagement is off. I plan to roam around the streets of Atlanta aimlessly for the remainder of my brief time here on earth. I will carry with me a smushed rose always, as a symbol of the Smushed Love Rose of John Crist. Once one has loved so deeply.. so wholly, once cannot simply pick up the cracked pottery of one’s life and create a functional life vase.
Forever yours in sorrow,
— EDITORIAL NOTES —
03/12/2018 9:16 AM EST: It has come to my attention that “is John Crist engaged” is my #1 search term, so I’m guessing if you’re reading this, you are a hopeful fan girl in a deep interwebz investigation to determine if you have a shot with Christianity’s golden boy of comedy. So please note that I wrote this post as an inside joke between me and my friends, and it was never meant to inform the general public about his relationship status. Is John Crist engaged?!For sure no 😉
… btdubs, while you’re here you should read some of my other stuff — like, comment, follow, share, etc… it’s the Christian thing to do 😉 😉 😉
But in a recent speech, Rep. Peake revealed a bigger, more radical vision he has for the role of marijuana in the lives of Georgia citizens.
“Just imagine,” he cried, waving his arms excitedly, “if every citizen in Georgia had the freedom to stuff their turkeys with pot!”
In a follow-up interview, Rep. Peake revealed it was his love for children that drove his vision. He hopes that all children in Georgia will have the chance to smoke the wacky tobaccy before they graduate high school.
“It’s about them,” he insisted, tears welling in his eyes. “Everything I do is for the children.”
Rep. Peake disclosed that stage 1 of his plan will be to infiltrate elementary schools with information on what a natural and healthy alternative that marijuana is to Ritalin, a common drug used to treat ADHD. “Can’t focus in school? Throw out that synthetic poison and pick up some giggle sticks instead! Your grades won’t improve, but you won’t care!”
It will be interesting to see how this new plan will be received by his conservative base, but Rep. Peake is hoping that he can still any objections by slipping them some of the good stuff. “If you can’t beat ’em, joint ’em!” he giggled. I giggled too.. not sure why, and I don’t think I care anymore. Also, does anyone have any Oreos?
This is a self-help post for Christians who may still not have a great grasp on how many church cultures operate (bless your hearts!).
Do you think that church small groups are for building community, keeping each other accountable, learning about the word of God, and spurring each other on to good works?
Church small groups are for meeting your future spouse.
Nothing more, nothing less. So let’s get the obvious out of the way so we can talk strategy. You need to appear deep (really, almost tortured is best if you’re a guy) and Godly (don’t forget to quote those Pauline scriptures!) at all times. But there’s a third, crucial element that will really kick your marriageability into high-gear: Tasteful vulnerability.
How do you get there? Well, the easiest way is through confessing your sins. What’s more vulnerable than admitting to a group of mixed-sex peers that you ride the struggle bus sometimes? **BUT** it’s important that you are vulnerable in a kinda sexy, mysterious way, not icky, pathetic way.
Share the right sort of sins for the right sort of vulnerability!
MEN: Never confess porn addiction or laziness. Sexual sins are too PG-13 for the ladies in this crowd, and revealing your lack of ambition will only reinforce their fears that they really will be stuck teaching the 3rd grade for the rest of their lives. No no no.
The tasteful vulnerable zone, for men: Confess your sin of pride. It will make you seem humble, yet also offer a tantalizing hint that you have many, many things to be prideful about.
WOMEN: Never confess doubt or gluttony. These dudes are looking for moms to rear their perfect children, and they aren’t going to risk you turning pago after a bun has started cooking in the oven. The glutton thing will just give men visions of your inevitable middle-aged-onset obesity… Not exactly a picture that will make them rush to Jared.
The tasteful vulnerable zone, for women: Confess your sin of perfectionism. It will make you seem humble, yet also establish that you are, after all, kinda perfect.
Follow these guidelines and I guarantee that you will be in a state of matrimonial bliss within one year! Remember – save the weird stuff for marriage counseling, and let your selective vulnerability score you a mate NOW!