galloblog

7 things you should never say to a friend getting over a break-up

People go through break-ups. Some break-ups are dramatic, others are just kind of awkward, but they all suck. Sometimes the suckiness is assuaged by the bright company and uplifting words of a friend. Sometimes the suckiness is exacerbated by the oppressive company and joy-sucking words of a … friend?

Yes! Many times well-meaning friends are the ones that make the getting-over-them process all the more torturous.

Here are seven things you may find yourself saying to friends after a break-up that are guaranteed to pick at their heart sores and help the bad feels fester.

1. “Just saw [exes name] at Applebee’s.”

No one needs their riveting documentary on organic kumquat farming* interrupted by a text from you telling them about an ex sighting. Did the ex look good? That will make your friend feel foolish for still having residual sadness. Did the ex look bad? That will make your friend feel guilty and consider reaching out, which we all know would be disastrous. There’s just no purpose in it. Put down your phone and stop creepin!

2. “I’m surprised you stayed with them for as long as you did.”

This sort of statement just tells your friend you think they were a desperate loser. Your friend is already mourning the time lost on romanticals with their ex, and you’re just rubbing salt on the wound.

3. Have you thought about taking a break from dating?”

If your friend is one of those people who plunged into their first long term relationship in 3rd grade and still hasn’t come up for air, maybe this would be a legit question. Keep in mind that for many people, being in a relationship is the exception to the single-as-a-dollar-bill rule. So suggesting they take an official break from something they just timidly forayed into is silly and unwarranted.

4. “I never thought they were good for you.”

This is like telling your friend “I knew you would be hurt all along. I know better than you. Told ya so!” Too little too late!

5. “You are probably sad because you guys were a great fit.”

Thanks, Captain Obvs! Does your friend need to remember all the reasons they are missing the ex boo? They are now going to sob themselves to sleep thinking about how they’ll never find someone else with so much life-mate potential.

6. “Have you considered online dating?”

If your friend was born after 1958, chances are they have considered online dating. But that’s not really the point anyway. A grieving friend does not need your pedanticism or problem solving, they need someone to listen for a while, give them a hug and say “that sucks, I’m sorry,” and then hand them a puppy.

7. “If you think this is bad, just wait until you experience a break up after 30!”

What’s worse than complain-bragging? Grief bragging! Which is in actuality grief dismissal. As I told someone once, “Knowing there’s a broken leg out there doesn’t make my stubbed toe hurt less.”

Which friend are you – an uplifting bright sunbeam or oppressive joy-sucking drizzle ? Study these seven, examine yourself, repent, and walk toward the light!

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*everyone grieves differently!

John Crist v. Trey Kennedy: A fangirl’s guide

If you’re a single Christian lady who likes to lolz, you’re probably pretty confused about which single Christian celebrity is your true Boaz. On one hand you have John Crist – witty, insightful, creative, but on the other hand there is Trey Kennedy – goofy, youthful, dashing.

Lucky for you all, I have spent minutes carefully comparing the two, side by side, and have included the results from my in-depth analysis below. But before we get started, let me clear up a few questions that keep popping up on my search engine hits —

Q. Are John Crist and Trey Kennedy related?

A. In the family of God, yes! IRL, no.

Q. Are John Crist and Trey Kennedy gay?

A. No, that doesn’t seem to be the case. But it seems that both use effeminate mannerisms as part of their comedy. Or maybe they’re both a little effeminate.. As the Gallomajer used to say, “It’s hard to tell, not knowing.’

Okay! Let’s move on to the ratings.

Lolz Factor

Both are hilarious, but in very different ways. John Crist’s humor is more sarcastic, witty, satirical. Example –

Trey Kennedy’s humor is a bit more goofy and obvious. Example –

I will admit sometimes Trey Kennedy’s Instagram stories are a tad too “extra” for me. Also John Crist’s actual career is all comedy based, whereas Trey Kennedy’s also includes music.

So, by a photo-finish, I say the Lolz Factor is in John Crist’s favor!

Chrishometer

Which one of these men will serve as the perfect spiritual guide for you and your family? Oo! This is a tough one. John Crist’s comedy is almost entirely based on poking fun at Christianity, but from an insider’s perspective – he’s laughing with us, not at us. Many of Trey Kennedy’s instastories and youtube videos are about goofy dads and singers… BUT he does have John 3:30 listed in his insta bio… What is John 3:30 … lessee … *flips through well-worn, super high lighted bible* aha! “He must become greater, I must become less.” Whoa, Trey. Nice. In contrast, John Crist has no scripture references in his bio! In fact, he quotes a song from the secular music band, Nickelback! Tsk tsk tsk. That seals it – Kennedy is a little more chrish than Crist!

Youthiness

This is pretty simple – John Crist is in his mid-30s, Trey Kennedy is in his mid-20s. If you want a man who will be able to play with your 6 homeschooled kids in the backyard for years to come.. once again, I think Trey Kennedy may be your man!

Dolla dolla bills

Oh I know you’re not shallow, but you do wonder – will they be able to clad their beloved in purple linen? Well, it’s very difficult to tell. When I googled their net worth, I got these suspicious results —

Under review? Pending?? Hmmm… well, let’s see if we can come up with something.. John Crist has a regular comedy tours, and the last time I bought a ticket it was pretty pricey – $30 a pop – for a show at a Baptist church no less! When I googled “Trey Kennedy music tours” I didn’t find nuffin! And although Trey Kennedy has 2x more Instagram followers than John Crist, John Crist nudges ahead in Facebook followers and destroys him in YouTube subscriptions. Thus, John Crist is probably your best bet for a home flowing with milk and honey.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Fashion faux pas

The fashion choices of both of these men will inevitably be a thorn in the side of their future wives. Trey Kennedy’s windsuits are tragic, but John Crist’s abominable white belt and croc obsession are truly Gosh-awful. This is also a close call, but I think Trey Kennedy comes out the winner on this one!

Wow.. it looks like Trey Kennedy wins 3/5! Maybe he should be the one to set your cap for, ladies! Get to stalking and let me know how it goes!

❤ – Cgallo

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

John Crist or Trey Kennedy — if either of you ever read this, know that I love you both and this post was written more to poke fun of single Christian women than either of you!

Overcoming invitaphobia

Do you enjoy social events, but rely on the invitations of others?

Do you find yourself longing for weekend pals, but tremble at the idea of inviting people to join your activities?

Has your popularity plunged once you became an adult because a large educational institution was no longer forcing you to interact with your peers?

If you answered yes to at least two of these questions, you may suffer from invitaphobia.

If you do suffer from invitaphobia, do not panic. I am here to help you walk through the process of extending a warm invitation to all those friends you’re not sure are your real friends because you never hang out with them.

Decide you want to do something
- This doesn’t need to be elaborate – no need to get wild and decide you want a party. That is quite advanced and unsafe for anyone suffering from invitaphobia. Start small. Let’s just say your hungry, so you decide to eat.
Pick up your phone
- If this seems taxing, Denise Austin will walk you through an invigorating arm work out to make sure your arm movement is loose and graceful as you reach for your phone and bring it to your face.
Scroll through your contacts until you see a name that does not make you want to vomit.
- If there is literally no one in your contacts that meets this criteria, take a nap, watch a Parks and Rec episode, eat 2.75 spoons of peanut butter straight up, and then try again.
Select the “message” option under their contact information. Please see the picture below for details.
Construct your invite message
- You can use this simple formula : Hey ___(contact’s name, or preferred nickname)___ ! I’m planning to ___(desired activity determined on step 1)___ at ___(specific location)___, around ___(provide general time range)___. Want to join?
Press “Send”

If this seems overwhelming, I have broken it down into baby steps. Today, all you have to do is read this post and share it with everyone you know. Tomorrow, read it aloud to your houseplants. The day after that, just try step one. Then each day after that, try adding one step at a time, until you make it all the way to step 6. If a given person doesn’t respond in a timely manner or can’t come, repeat steps 1-6 with another non-vomity person.

Please send me your success stories so I can post them and form a safe circle of encouragement!

Stuffz Gallo Likes: Kroger Woohoo! Deals

You are shuffling through the grocery store. Bodies surround you. You suspect these bodies must have faces with eyes, eyes that are human, but you don’t care to look. At every turn, you are confronted with an abundance of meaningless choices, choices born of oppressive capitalism. Marketing ploys are yanking at your focus, doing everything possible to seduce you into whimsical purchases. Shriveling cabbage is being sold for a gut-wrenching price.

Darkness.

Then, into that darkness, a peppy flash of yellow catches your eye. Your heart leaps and you find yourself pulled to the yellow before your consciousness has had time to process.

As you come closer, your tender bud of hope blooms into a mature bloom of joy –

It’s a Wohoo! Kroger deal!!!

Like that – the bodies become friends, the choices become simple, the marketing becomes silly, the cabbage is $0.79.

Light.

What makes you “woohoo!”?

For the love of Chick Fil A, please no more Christian dating books

I C A N N O T T A K E A N Y M O R E C H R I S T I A N B O O K S A B O U T D A T I N G.

upsetgirl — It’s too much y’all. (pixabay image, edited by moi) Also note that I didn’t include the Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller because that book is FIRE

Is it because my heart is hardened?

Is it because I’m living in sin and want to avoid conviction?

Is it because I am resistant to wisdom?

No. It is for this simple reason — in no other area of Christian life have I seen Christian wisdom take such a phariseeical turn so quickly.

The authors are not necessarily to blame for this, but I think this is what happens — a Christian man/woman/couple figures out a way to date that seems in-line with the Christian faith. They then share their insights and wisdom from their own personal experiences. Christians read these books, and instead of seeing them for what they are – musings by good but still-being-sanctified people – they see them as RULES that we all must follow, lest we be pegged as pagos. #pagopegged #ouch

But let’s all take a step back and get a little perspective — in biblio times, dating didn’t exist. You were a child, then boom you go through puberty, then boom you are married. This doesn’t mean that the Christian faith is irrelevant to how we date, but it does mean that pretty much any *specific* dating advice is just that – advice from humans – not the Word of God.

So let’s not perpetuate self-righteousness and phariseeism by acting as if the compilation of some Christian dude’s musings on dating is The Way the Truth and the Life. There is probably wisdom in many Christian books on dating, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that if you don’t follow that author’s recommendations you are rebelling against the God of the universe. For example – In Single, Dating, Engaged, Married,* Ben Stuart talks about how he would always tell his now-wife Donna the next time he was going to contact her. He saw this as a sweet way to reduce her stress – she didn’t have to worry about if / when he was going to contact her, she already knew – “I’ll call you tomorrow.” I agree, that is sweet. Does that mean that if a guy doesn’t communicate like that to you, you should kick him to the curb? No! It’s a nice specific example of how Christian faith can play out IRL, but it is by no means a rule.

Side note 1 – many dating books are probably somewhat useful for high-schoolers who are still living with their parents, and truly have zero life experience to help them navigate dating with wisdom. But there are some dating practices that are absurd if not impossible when you are living on your own (e.g. the dude asking the Dad’s permission to date). So let’s recognize that not ALL Christians get married when they are 19, and what worked for a man dating his wife in undergrad may not be useful for a 29 year old woman.

Side note 2 – I’m also getting cranky with Christian women who assume they are entitled to impart their sage dating advice. I don’t owe it to you to spill all the beans of my romantic life just because we are both Christians, and frankly many of you haven’t earned the right to tell me what to do or hear the intimate details of my life and heart. If you are concerned about my dating choices, how ’bout you pray for the Spirit to convict me directly instead of appointing yourself as my accountability supervisor. I suggest with all the gentle love I can muster that you are just as likely to turn me into an anxious self-righteous snoot pants than to protect me from harm. Just sayin’. As the modern sage John Crist would say, “check your heart.”

I plan to approach dating with the freedom Christ gained for me, as captured by the idea “Everything is permissible, not everything is beneficial.”** Earlier this year I demoralized a dating decision and thought “I can date this person if I want. We could have wild sex every night and guess what.. I would still be a Christian. Jesus might be grieved, but he would still love me. Now, knowing this, do I want to? What would be the consequences?” And that actually led me to a healthy decision that was MY decision, not a half-hearted, dutiful response to the pressures of others.

Okay.. that’s all! Be free!

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*At least he talked about this in his Single | Dating | Engaged | Married sermons when he was preaching at Breakaway. I actually never read his book because I heard it was basically the written version of his sermons. 😀

**1 Corinthians 10:23

Excuse generator tool for all your flake needs

We’ve all been there: one day you’re feeling foolishly extroverted and accept a social invitation for an event that will occur a few days later. Then the day comes, and you would literally rather give Bernie Sanders a sponge bath than actually come to this god-awful social event.

You then spend the next 87 minutes trying to construct a believably yet justifiably-sincere excuse to send to the insensitive invitee to get yourself off the hook.

Why waste your time and mental energy when Galloblog has already done all the work for you? Below is a super flexible, broadly-generalizable tool for generating excuses to any and all social events that you want to get out of. Please use liberally and send me your success stories!

5 ways to push your coworkers over the edge— that you can try today!

Coworkers: can’t work with them, can’t work without them, amiright?? If you have some little grudgies against one or more of your coworkers, you may be looking for satisfying ways to vent your frustration without getting into a face-to-face kerfuffle that will get you fired.

1. Make sure your personal odor permeates the office

That’s right, go ahead — just 12 more spritzes

Whether it be a cloying perfume, a complete lack of deodorant, or overpowering essential oils, make sure that your coworkers know that you’re in the building by smell alone.

2. Randomly go on refrigerator cleaning sprees and throw away all your coworkers’ food

This is one of my personal favorites. Be sure to not put up signs to warn anyone that you plan to clean — just go for it. Don’t bother yourself with expiration dates, or think about the fact that someone might have their $15 lunch in there that’s only a few hours old — just clear the whole dang thing out, sit back, and watch your coworkers explode with anger.

3. Have loud phone conversations in shared spaces

Why would you excuse yourself for a personal phone call when you can talk about inappropriately personal things and giggle loudly for all coworkers to hear?? It’s also great to make only slightly veiled, personal jabs about your coworkers so that they are pretty sure you’re complaining about them personally as you’re chatting with bae. If you don’t have a bae, I also highly recommend calling up a customer service line and putting your phone on speaker phone as you wait for a representative so the entire office can hear the same prerecorded “Thank you for waiting…” message over and over and over and over and over and OVER AGAIN!!!

4. Dress so provocative that all coworkers, regardless of sexual preferences, are uncomfortable

tobias — Cast your eyes to Tobias for inspiration

You get the picture..cut-off blue jean shorts, belly shirts, loud colored-bras… anything to make your coworkers stare, and then feel weird about staring.

5. Send “reminders” or scolding emails to the group that are obviously only relevant for one specific person

canaan — Narrator: But only Dr. Galloswag had rats in G27

If you see a problem in your workplace, do not – I repeat, DO NOT! – keep it as contained as possible, and deal with it on an individual basis. Make sure the entire workplace knows about your grievance. ALWAYS involve your supervisor or boss. Deal with everything as passive-aggressively and as pettily as possible. But make sure that everyone knows who it is, even though you never say them by name. For example, if you only have one accountant in your office, send out an email saying “It’s really important for everyone working in accounting to remember to not eat Pringles in the common work area!” [include a picture of a crumbed table, for extra effect]

Alright, I’ve give you the tools — it’s up to each of you to make ’em work for you!

😉

Interwebz Slang Guide

Ladies and gents, and those who refuse to categorize themselves in bigendered terms —

I recently had to explain to someone — only ~3 years my senior! — the definition of dtr. I was embarrassed for them that they had no idea what I was talking about. Then I polled my Instagram followers, and I was again alarmed that as many as 30% of my peers admitted their ignorance of what dtr stood for.. dtr, y’all! If people on INSTAGRAM — the hippest of the hip, the youthest of the youths! — haven’t heard of dtr, my heart quakes for Facebook users, especially those born prior to 1983.

Because I’m kindhearted and like to educate the unhip masses, I decided to throw together a quick and dirty reference sheet for those of you who wander the world in blind, sad ignorance of the meaning 84% of acronyms, terms, abbreviations, etc. that youths are using to communicate.

Stay lit!!! – Dr. Galloswag

Here ya gooooooo* —

Acronymsies

4L – for life (e.g. #glutes4L after leg day is proclaiming your undying commitment to a tight tush!)

my b – my bad

bc – because

brb – be right back

btw / btdubs – by the way

dth – down to hike? ( 😉 )

dtr – define the relationship

ftr – for the record

ftw – for the win

idk – I don’t know

ily – I love you

ikr – I know right

lmk – let me know

omw – on my way

smh – shaking my head

wyd – what you doing

Terms

basic – mainstream ; unoriginal

extra – too much ; trying too hard ; dramatic

Gucci – cool, chill (in a sentence: “I’m so sorry!” “It’s Gucci”

lit – awesome, cool

woke – being aware, usually in context of social justice issues

yeet – exerting effort

Abbreviationz

awks – awkward

cas / caj – casual

cra cra – crazy

deets – details

fo sho – for sure

ru ru – rude

per uje – per usual

thx – thanks

totes / totes mcgoats – totally

Super Chrish

chrish – Christian

ptl – Praise the Lord

tgbtg – to God be the glory

…. Also note that adding unnecessary “os” and “ies” and “z”s is another way to stay wit it. For example: this blog posties is donezos, pplz!

Younguns — please feel free to message me with suggestions!

Olduns — please feel free to print and laminate to keep by your rolodex when you are talking to your offspring on the telephone! 😉

— Editorial Notes —

*I omitted some of the more raunchy slang terms that I know, bc Galloblog is safe for the WHOLE famz! Look ’em up on urban dictionary!

Go ahead, waste your life (a little)

Not Wasting Your Life is a popular theme among contemporary pastors these days. John Piper wrote a book about it, which inspired Louie Giglio to preach an entire sermon series about not wasting your life, which inspired Ben Stuart to join the party, talking about family specifically. And of course John Piper’s sassy protégé Matt Chandler has also chimed in about not wasting your cancer.

Lemme just say, I adore all of these pastors for various reasons, and it’s not like I want to wake up some day and realize my entire life has been spent building a career I don’t find fulfilling, or that I have no friends IRL because I spent all my time online getting into arguments with social media randos.

Many times these sermons begin with sobering stats on how much time we spend on doing “insignificant” activities — e.g. “Did you know that over the average human lifespan, you will spend x days watching tv (gasp!), x years commuting to work (groan!), x days removing unwanted body hair (giggles), x hours reading nonsensical Galloblog posts (#worthit) ?” These stats are meant to strike fear into hearts as we realize how little time we actually spend doing important things like rescuing puppies from burning buildings and sharing the gospel to all nations.

Don’t get me wrong – I do think that our life has definite highs and lows, and the highs should be celebrated. There is also nothing wrong with being somewhat conscious of how we delegate our time, and to consider cutting out nonsense that seems to suck us in for hours and hours and serve as escapism (video games, I’m glaring at you!).

BUT I would also like to suggest that freaking out and trying to minimize all the time we spend doing “insignificant” things, and trying to cram in oodles of significance into every moment isn’t only unrealistic… and likely to give us an ulcer trying… it’s also not particularly biblical.

Think about, oh I don’t know…. Jesus! Do we sit around and bemoan his 30 “wasted” years? I mean what was Jesus doing pre-ministry anyway? He was a carpenter, right? What else? I imagine he probably… ate. Did rando chores for his household, whatever that looked like b.c.. Kicked around town with his bros…? Who knows? What we do know, or at least claim as Christians, is that he lived the perfect life, correct? Then I think it’s safe to say that would include his entire life, not just the last 3 years of life.

And not just Jesus — almost every major biblical character had long periods in which they just “did life.” Worked. Survived.

Even if you’re not a Christian, I think there’s something to be said for CHILLING THE POO OUT! I’m going to boldly assert that the meaningfulness of life is less about doing something super impressive and record breaking at every single moment of your life, and more about developing good character and enjoying all the rando gifts of life as you go about the ordinary. Go ahead – belt some 90s pop while you fold your laundry. Watch a little tv and cuddle with yer boo. Pet a dog. Shop for groceries. Drive to work. Take a nap … as *part* of your life. Obvs, you don’t want these things to be the entirety. But they’re not just permissible, I’d say they’re advisable.

Just part of life, chicaboo. Get over it *smooch*

I’m not saying to abandon your dreams and goals, or not to work hard, or stop trying to pursue a life of meaning and significance … but I urge you to do all these things as a human being, not a streamlined robot. Trust someone who has tried that and failed miserably – you will fail. Or worse, succeed, and fail at other things that matter more.

Okey dokes, go out and putter around town! ❤

Stuffz Gallo Likes: How Tim Keller encouraged me to be a Christian with wild abandon

Let’s take a journey back a few years ago. I was neck-deep in my dissertation data collection, and the only people I interacted with on the reg were soccer moms at my church (who I liked, but had a hard time connecting with) or highly-educated, young, single agnostic/athetists/spiritual-but-not-religious peers at my university.

I still went to church, and I remember for a while every Sunday I would tear up during worship because it felt so amazing to actually be with other believers. But still, there was a large disconnect between my daily academic grind and and my faith, my brains and my heart. The two worlds felt so completely different that it was hard to reconcile “Christian Gallo” with “PhD student Gallo.” I started to wonder if I went to church for the sake of nostalgia, and/or to maintain a connection with my pre-PhD student, super-Crish, conservative, southern culture life. I also had a lot of doubts.

Some were intellectual – neuroscience is very material, in the sense that all the complexity of human thought, emotion, and even spirituality is reduced down to electrical and chemical communication between cells. Did I really believe that a supernatural world existed? It was easy to believe when I was with other Christians, but when I looked at it through the lens of science it seemed pretty ridiculous.

Some were emotional – even though I had planned to get my PhD ever since I was 16 years old, my early 20s were *not* what I had imagined them to be. I think in my heart I actually believed I would take my University by storm and ride the wave of success all the way to the cure for Alzheimer’s disease. I also always envisioned myself as being very suave and sophisticated as I got older (lolz). Needless to say… that is not what happened. I failed.. a lot. Both in research, but also in matters of character. I kind of lost respect for myself, and I was mad that God wasn’t letting me hit scientific home runs and point to the sky in acknowledgement of Him as I accepted all my awards, Tim Tebow style.

NO SALE — I thought this would be me *eye roll*

Then one summer, the Christian fellowship I was a part of started a book discussion on Tim Keller’s The Reason for God. The book blew me away because it was so clear and straightforward. TK didn’t act like it was evil or preposterous to question Christianity , but he also “pushed back,” so to speak, on some of the common assumptions that non-believers take as “givens.” The Reason for God opened my eyes to the possibility of being a Christian, who – although still needing faith for some particular issues – wasn’t judged for having doubts, and wasn’t asked to forsake their intelligence as a prerequisite for faith.

Then I started reading his other books.. and trust me there are a lot of them. Not all are so “apologetical” as The Reason for God.. nor are his sermons. More than any pastor I have ever read / listened to, Tim Keller shines a huge spotlight on Jesus – pointing out how Jesus is threaded through the entire bible – not just the New Testament. He tackles weird, slightly off-putting Old Testament stories and points out how those stories are purposefully driving us toward an understand of the absolute necessity of Jesus. Adam, Moses, Noah, Jacob, David, Hosea — all of them! They were all used by God, but not enough. Their failures used to frustrate and confuse me, now they encourage me to rejoice that where these biblical figures failed, Jesus succeeded.
He also talks about how Jesus fits into work, marriage, money, sex, rest … every single aspect of life now.

Timmy K doesn’t need a grammy-award winning worship team to whip his congregation into an emotional frenzy before he preaches. He doesn’t need to soften the crowd with his hilarious hijinks. He doesn’t need to put visitors at ease with his trendy ripped up jeans. TK is not particularly attractive or charismatic, and that is why I love him all the more. Because to me it shows that his appeal is not really in him – (he’s like a slightly stuffy Dad)it’s the freedom and joy he points to, in Jesus!

Thank you, Tim! YOU ARE AMAZING I LOVE YOU FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!

heartballoons — These are for you, Tim!!!!!!

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

Tim Keller resources – http://www.timothykeller.com/ , https://gospelinlife.com/

My favorite books, in no particular order: The Meaning of Marriage, Encounters with Jesus, Jesus the King, The Reason for God

Some lit sermons of his: God’s Plans, Your Plans , How Sin Makes Us Addicts