Men aren’t marrying these days because women are pathetic.

EDITOR NOTE, 02/22/2018 6:51 PM EST: Attention woman-haters —- this post was written satirically. If you are riding the female-bashing train, note that sharing this post because you agree with the title 1) proves that you did not actually read &/or comprehend this post for it’s original purpose and 2) boosts the hits for a blog managed by a single woman who normally writes about her own weird love-life, Christianity, or rando stuff that makes her cackle. SO if you are all about spewing vitriol about women, this ain’t the post or the blog for you.

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It’s no secret that there are so many incredible single men in the world. They’re smart, funny and basically total catches… so where are all the great girls? The real reason so many men are still rolling solo is much simpler: most girls aren’t worth dating.

MEN ARE BECOMING MORE FIT, ACCOMPLISHED AND INDEPENDENT WHILE GIRLS ARE LETTING THEMSELVES GO. Men have so much to offer a potential partner and the world at large — they’re strong, ambitious and totally self-sufficient. Meanwhile, girls seem to have thrown femininity and true beauty out the window and assume they can get away with the bare minimum. No thanks — they can take that laziness elsewhere.

THEY WON’T PUT UP WITH BULLCRAP. Sure, men could have a relationship if they were willing to look the other way when manipulative liars and skanks pull their crap with them, but why should they? They’ve seen all the same crap and heard all the same excuses time and time again and they respect themselves too much to accept them for the sake of being in a relationship. They’d much rather be on our own.

Tmodel-885297_1920HEIR STANDARDS ARE HIGH AND THEY’LL STAY THAT WAY. Since men know their worth, they won’t accept anything less than what they deserve from girls. Girls need to be on their level in every sense of the word and if they’re not prepared to do that, men aren’t prepared to date them.

GIRLS THINK THEIR OPTIONS ARE ENDLESS, BUT MEN WON’T SETTLE FOR SECOND BEST. Part of the problem with modern dating is that girls think all it takes to move on to the next man is a quick right swipe on their phone screens. Ghosting and benching are par for the course, but if men so much as get a glimpse of bitchy tendencies, they’re out of there before she can open Tinder.

MEN’S LIVES ARE ALREADY FULL — IF A GIRL CAN’T ADD TO IT, SHE’S NOT WORTH MAKING ROOM FOR. Men have got busy careers, amazing friends, loving families and passions to pursue. Their schedules are booked solid. That means if they’re making room for a girl, she’d better bring something new and worthwhile to the table. If she’s just looking to get her dinner paid for or wants to “hang out” until she figures out what she wants to do with her life, she can go elsewhere.man-885225_1920

MANY MEN JUST AREN’T LOOKING FOR WIVES ANYMORE. That doesn’t mean all of men are averse to eventually getting married, but men don’t wake up every day wondering if it’ll be the day that their Pretty Princess comes to melt their heart. Men don’t need to wait for a woman to walk down the aisle to feel as though they’ve reached the pinnacle of manhood — it’s not the 195os anymore and men are as committed to their own happiness and excellence as they could ever be to a girl.

THEY’RE BECOMING THEIR OWN WIVES. Thanks to the breakdown of gender norms and the ability of men not only to keep their house affairs in order but to excel in tasks like cooking, men are now able to provide themselves all the benefits wives used to provide them. Men don’t need a girl to cook for them or clean their house — they’ve got that locked down already. Men don’t even need a wife for kids; if they really want to become fathers, there are ways to achieve that without having to tie the knot with someone they’ll just end up divorcing a few years later.

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TOO MANY GIRLS ARE INTIMIDATED BY STRONG MEN. Men are not going to weaken themselves or play off our goals and accomplishments as no big deal when they’ve worked their butts off to get where they are. Too many girls can’t handle being with a man who won’t let her control everything. Men demand the best in every area of their lives and certainly won’t put up with little girls who either feel threatened by masculinity or feel the need to try and tear them down to assuage their own egos.

So what’s a man to do? Honestly, not much other than to just keep doing you unless someone worthwhile comes along and makes you want to be in a long, committed relationship or get married.

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

Ladies: Did this post annoy/upset you? Did it come across as super condescending and insulting? Good. Because it was almost a word-for-word copy of a self-congratulatory article I found that was originally written by a woman for women that is tragically representative of many articles I’ve read on women/singlehood. I just switched the pronouns to jar us out of our delusional sneering. We have got to stop talking about ourselves like we’re Xena Warrior Princess and all the men around us are Napoleon Dynamite. You can celebrate femininity and have standards without tearing men down! Dr. Galloswag sez, “This vitriolic shoot ain’t helpin’ nobody.” Now dismount your princess carriage and go hug a man you respect.

How [Chronically] Single Men Sabotage Themselves

Are you male? Are you single? Do you wish you weren’t? Does your mom frequently look at you with sorrow and wonder why women aren’t falling at your feet? Do most of your romantic ventures fizzle out over an awkward series of awkward text messages?

If you answered yes to most of the questions above, it’s likely that you are sabotaging yourself with foolish dating practices.
If you answered yes to most of the questions above, it’s likely that you are sabotaging yourself with foolish dating practices. …

Are you male? Are you single? Do you wish you weren’t? Does your mom frequently look at you with sorrow and wonder why women aren’t falling at your feet? Do most of your romantic ventures fizzle out over a series of awkward text messages?

If you answered yes to most of the questions above, it’s likely that you are sabotaging yourself with foolish dating practices. I have smashed together a few #gallotips for you luckless would-be lovers.

[Please know that I’m actually not trying to be condescending. This is written for the solid guys out there who may not realize that they’re doing stupid crap to make women think that they are lamé.*]

  • You never ask the woman about herself or what she thinks

This past summer I was super excited that one of my really close friends grabbed dinner with a mutual friend who truly is a very kind, smart, good guy. When I nosily asked how it went, I was aghast when I found out that she was severely underwhelmed because the dude talked about himself the entire time. For perspective, this lady is a super smart, gorgeous assistant professor who travels the world for her work. When she’s local, she’s directing really important, ground-breaking research. THERE IS SO MUCH TO TALK TO HER ABOUT. I truly don’t understand – even if you’re not an expert in her field, please at least attempt to understand what she does. Or how/why she got into it. Don’t think that your ignorance about something will make you seem like a jerk-face – the only thing that will make you look like a jerk-face is if you’re unwilling to broach subjects you can’t mansplain.

An extension of this is just asking the lady what she thinks about .. stuff. Whether it be politics, her input on your most recent conspiracy theory, the unstoppable rise of Justin Bieber… whatever. AND – this is important – actually listen to her answers. Don’t spend the time she’s talking to formulate your next brilliant monologue.

  • You are emphasizing all the wrong stuff about yourself

I’m truly not saying this to burst your bubble, but if the lady you are dating is over 18 and doesn’t live in Nowhere, Idaho, chances are that she knows plenty of men who are just as – if not more – intelligent, rich, charming, or attractive than you. Don’t be surprised if she is underwhelmed by your ‘stats’. Before you get huffy and depressed, I’ll let you in on a secret – you can really set yourself apart by having good character. Try not taking 36 hours to respond to her text messages, keeping your word and showing up on time, paying attention to what she likes, plan thoughtful dates, etc. Sometimes men are all-to- eager to brag about their promotion at work, when women (at least, my friends and I) care more about whether we can count on you. When I was 19, a guy I was dating brought me coffee while I was studying. Not just any coffee, but a coffee with a splash of cream and two raw sugars, which is how I took it at the time. Even though this obviously didn’t end up in lifelong bliss, 8 years later I remember it and I still say “Bravo, good sir.” The point is, your character – usually displayed in the consistent, small ways you treat us and live your life – matter more than your 2 advanced degrees, 6 digit salary, six-pack abs, or whatever your point of pride happens to be.

  • You plan dates that do not give you a chance to shine

Some of you are a bit shy or awkward over a dinner date. The idea of making charming conversation for 2 hours over dinner makes you want to pass out or hang yourself. Fine! I say – do something completely different! Do something that lets your sweet unique little personality shine. Think outside the box. One of my friend’s favorite dates was when this guy taught her how to do a J-turn with her classic muscle car. Granted, not exactly my cup of tea – but she loved it. If you’re shy AND don’t have the stereotypical manly-man skills, do something like find a piano somewhere and teach her how to play a simple duet with you. I don’t know! I CAN’T FIX YOUR LIFE! *anyway* If the standard date-scene makes you shrivel up like a sad little kumqat in the desert, then plan something where you can roar with love like the magnificent beast we all know you are.

  • You are creepily romantic too soon

This one may be more specific to yours truly, but I cannot *STAND* it when someone who barely knows me tries to act like he is deeply in love with me. I immediately assume that he is either 1) emotionally unstable 2) trying to manipulate me. Forced, false intimacy is icky. It’s okay to take some time to just enjoy each other’s company without over-romanticizing. You can be warm, open, sweet, and all that great stuff without picking out a song on your ukelele that you wrote for her based off of her.. FB profile. Galloswag says, “Just be cool.”

There you have it. You’re welcome men! You can thank me when YOU’RE MARRIED because this advice was like pure gold poured straight into your mind. Please send me your personal success stories so we can go on Ellen together to promote my new book in press “Just Be Cool: Gallotips on how to not be a jerk-face when you date.”

— Editorial Notes —

* I get the irony. A cozily single 27 year old woman lecturing men about dating. Before you dismiss me and return to your vile daily activities, I’d like to argue that I’m actually far more qualified to comment on this than you’d think. Consider the following, s’il vous plait:

1) Being a sassy old maid, I’ve been on a lot more (bad) dates in current times that someone our age who settled down when they were 21. Sassy old maids also tend to cluster together and share our pathetic, hilarious, sorrowful bad date stories. Thus, I have so much material to coalesce into common themes.

2) I’m giving advice to men, not women. I’ve never been on a date with a woman so I can’t tell you from experience what the big turn offs are. Men, feel free to share your woes with me and I might just be inspired to lecture women on your behalf (As a side note, if I had any rays of insight on the woman side of things I would already be the trophy wife of a rich philanthropist with beautiful guns (both meanings apply) and a personal study that smells like mahogany and is chock-full of Tim Keller books.. and I’d be too busy opening joint checking accounts and making babies to write this darling little blog.)

3) Sad as it may be, my single lady friends and I are just the type of women that are still out there. The techniques your married male friends used to woo their current wives in high school and college ain’t gonna work with slightly jaded, highly-independent workin’ women. Just sayin’.

The Profound Mystery of the Honk du Homme

As soon as I heard those two endearing “beep beeps!” I dropped my $12 Greek yogurt on the ground, kicked off my flippity flops, and sprinted to catch up with his garbage truck. Unfortunately the truck continued to move, so in heady desperation I yelled out my name, cell phone number, and the best times to reach me. As soon as I heard those two endearing “beep beeps!” I dropped my $12 Greek yogurt on the ground, kicked off my flippity flops, and sprinted to catch up with his garbage truck. Unfortunately the truck continued to move, so in heady desperation I yelled out my name, cell phone number, and the best times to reach me.

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This afternoon I was walking from the grocery store toward my lab, and a man driving a garbage truck honked at me.

As soon as I heard those two endearing “beep beeps!” I dropped my $12 Greek yogurt on the ground, kicked off my flippity flops, and sprinted to catch up with his garbage truck. Unfortunately the truck continued to move, so in heady desperation I yelled out my name, cell phone number, and the best times to reach me. He called me a few minutes ago, and we have dinner plans later this week!

.. NOT! I looked around in bewilderment until I spotted the instigator who put the lives of his fellow waste disposal expert’s in danger by leaning his head out the window for a 360 view. After grinning at me with smug self-satisfaction, he just up ‘n drove away into the distance. Now our lives are forever separated in time and place.

Dear #galloblog readers: do any of you know the rationale behind horn-tooting at [attractive?] women? I have so many questions.

  • What do these enthusiastic honkers hope to gain from these interactions? Was the exhilarating exchange I detailed above a success in his mind?
  • Do men wish women would honk their horns at them? Is this a practice I should implement in my own life? #gallohonk?
  • Do honking men honk their horn at everything that excites them? Like, would they honk at a Krystal* lying on the side of the road?

If any of you have information on any of this, I would really like to gain insight on this fascinating phenomenon.

— Editorial Notes —

*I’m not trying to be a snob, but for some reason I just have a feeling that men who honk at women shuffling down the road in yoga pants also eat at Krystal. But all of this is very new, so I’m open to push-back on this.

A Womansplaination: How to connect with men

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I hope you didn’t click on this link for advice on how to romantically connect with men, because that would be as embarrassing for me as it would be for you. Please seek immediate help elsewhere.

No, this is for those women in brown leather boots and a beige cardigan, journaling at the local café, wondering – “I have no guy friends. How do I make them?”

Never fear, Galloswag is here to share her decades of expertise on how to be legit friends with men. Get out that pink-glitter gel pen and get in formation, cuz I have a lot of womansplainin’ to do here… and I do NOT repeat myself.

1) Break the ice with a clever, fitting quote from a “bro” movie

What’s a bro movie, you ask? Anything with Will Ferrell, The Hangover, Ted.. you know, all those movies you let your ex-bf watch with his bros and didn’t even resent being excluded. Hold your nose and rent a few. Step 1. Watch them. Step 2. Watch them all again. Step 3. Repeat steps 1-2. Memorize every word. Marinate in them.

Then bide your time, like a patient panda. Wait casually for a mundane conversation with a male you’ve targeted for future friendship. With every sentence of dialogue, rack your Ferrell-saturated brain for any possible connection. When you find a hit, *KAPOW* lay it on them.

I can tell you’re not getting it. Example-

Future bro: How was your weekend?

You: Good! My best friend got married. It was such a gorgeous wedding.

Future bro: Oh, yeah? ..cool.. *entire body sags in boredom*

You: Yeah we’ve known each other forevs, so the whole time I was like *scrunch your face* “I’m in a glass cage of emotion!”

Current bro: *body flooded with energy, begins to recite Anchorman from beginning to end between joyful chuckles*

Trust me ladies, this always works. Your only potential pitfall would be to memorize a few quotes, but be unable to hold your own during the recitation of the entire movie. Men can identify a fraud, and they will not be fooled by your half-bootied performance. Don’t shirk! Make the commitment and it will pay off.

2) Convert at LEAST 80% of your formerly verbal, text-y communication to memes and gifs

If you like to express yourself through eye contact and a lot of words, you need to take that preference and blend it to smithereens just like the kale-acai-almond butter smoothie you had for breakfast this morning. Nothing wins over brotherly love like a good reaction meme in a text or fb convo.

Whenever you’re writing a response to a future bro, ask yourself: how could I capture all of this in a single meme?  If your idea is more complex than that, you may proceed to a gif. If a gif is inadequate, you can be sure the guy probably won’t want to read it. At this point, your best options are to a.  abandon train of thought, or b. FaceTime your female bestie instead.

3) Talk some trash

[Important: not to be confused with talking dirty…unless friending is not your goal, and then I suggest you consult other sources as mentioned above].

Sometimes, being ru-ru really is the way to go. I’ve never seen men beam at me with quite the same warmth and affection as when I drop in a good old fashioned, nonsensical mom joke.

Although beware: this is a subtle art form. Despite their bluster, men can be little delicata squashes when it comes to certain insecurities. I would never, for example, mock the facial hair of a man with real undergrowth issues. I’d keep it in the territory of nick-naming one of my super buff friends Johhny Bravo. You’re going for messin’, not mentally distressin’.

[Also important: don’t bring the kitchen if you can’t take the heat. Like iron sharpens iron, guys have been training in the Dojo of Bro Jokes since they were mere babes. Expect some return messin’. If it gets too intense, cry it out in the bathroom, roll up your sleeves and adjust your bra, and then get back in there.]

I have already given you three solid ways to connect with men on the bro level. For $39.95/hr, I will personally infiltrate your work and social settings to shadow you and give you instantaneous feedback. But WAIT: If one of your friends is good looking and wants to take me out for a kale-acai-almond butter smoothie, I will even slash that fee in half.

Go out and befriend!