internet – galloblog

Interwebz Slang Guide

Ladies and gents, and those who refuse to categorize themselves in bigendered terms —

I recently had to explain to someone — only ~3 years my senior! — the definition of dtr. I was embarrassed for them that they had no idea what I was talking about. Then I polled my Instagram followers, and I was again alarmed that as many as 30% of my peers admitted their ignorance of what dtr stood for.. dtr, y’all! If people on INSTAGRAM — the hippest of the hip, the youthest of the youths! — haven’t heard of dtr, my heart quakes for Facebook users, especially those born prior to 1983.

Because I’m kindhearted and like to educate the unhip masses, I decided to throw together a quick and dirty reference sheet for those of you who wander the world in blind, sad ignorance of the meaning 84% of acronyms, terms, abbreviations, etc. that youths are using to communicate.

Stay lit!!! – Dr. Galloswag

Here ya gooooooo* —

Acronymsies

4L – for life (e.g. #glutes4L after leg day is proclaiming your undying commitment to a tight tush!)

my b – my bad

bc – because

brb – be right back

btw / btdubs – by the way

dth – down to hike? ( 😉 )

dtr – define the relationship

ftr – for the record

ftw – for the win

idk – I don’t know

ily – I love you

ikr – I know right

lmk – let me know

omw – on my way

smh – shaking my head

wyd – what you doing

Terms

basic – mainstream ; unoriginal

extra – too much ; trying too hard ; dramatic

Gucci – cool, chill (in a sentence: “I’m so sorry!” “It’s Gucci”

lit – awesome, cool

woke – being aware, usually in context of social justice issues

yeet – exerting effort

Abbreviationz

awks – awkward

cas / caj – casual

cra cra – crazy

deets – details

fo sho – for sure

ru ru – rude

per uje – per usual

thx – thanks

totes / totes mcgoats – totally

Super Chrish

chrish – Christian

ptl – Praise the Lord

tgbtg – to God be the glory

…. Also note that adding unnecessary “os” and “ies” and “z”s is another way to stay wit it. For example: this blog posties is donezos, pplz!

Younguns — please feel free to message me with suggestions!

Olduns — please feel free to print and laminate to keep by your rolodex when you are talking to your offspring on the telephone! 😉

— Editorial Notes —

*I omitted some of the more raunchy slang terms that I know, bc Galloblog is safe for the WHOLE famz! Look ’em up on urban dictionary!

In search of chill

It has come to my attention that I have no chill. Especially when it comes to social media. I want to post every hilarious* thought I have. I want to document every good hair day with a tasteful selfie. I want to share every inspirational quote that bolsters my spirits. I want to declare my eternal love to my family members on the reg. I want to share all the beauty I come across in my otherwise very ugly day**. I refer to myself as Galloswag. Galloswag!! No. chill.

If you’ve read any of my other posts.. or you’re my fb friend or follow me on ig… you’re probably thinking, “Tell me something I don’t know, sister.” yeah yeah yeah. But what you may *not* know is that almost every time I post something, I’m filled with self-loathing.

Srsly. I genuinely admire people who barely use social media. There’s something just.. cool.. about someone who can get a promotion or go to a lit concert or win free tickets on the radio and *not* feel compelled to make sure everyone remotely connected to them knows about it.

I always assume people with social media chill aren’t posting much because their lives are so gangster they don’t have time to bother with us low-lifes who are posting a filtered picture of a misshapen green bean that came out of their can at lunch.

So anyway. I say all this because — in my typically non-chill fashion — I feel the need to declare to you all that I’m going to try to be more chill. Leave a little mystery to my life. If I’m overhwhelmed by the hilarity of my own thoughts, I will text it to someone specific. Or, just treasure in my own heart how funny I am. Same with my accomplishments.. good hair days etc…. all of that stuff just suddenly seems… like none of your bus-nass.

Alsooooo, begging a friend to be my designated “keeper of the fb pw” has greatly reduced my obsessive-compulsive fb checking / posting. So if you want to jump on the chill surf board, I suggest relinquishing control of your social media accounts for a while to give yerself a chance to “reset.”

Aren’t I cool rn??? You don’t even have to answer. I don’t need you, interweb world! HA!

Forever yours– even tho I’m cooler than you,

~Gallochill

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

*Hilarious to me. I realize some of you may think my jokes are lame. I say to you then: UNFRIEND ME RN YOU SOULLESS HUMORLESS OGRE

**Srsly, y’all should see what I do for my day job. Nm, you really shouldn’t. Especially if you work for PETA. O_O

5 techniques to ensure victory in all your online debates

All the intellectual elites know that the interwebs are for destroying everyone who disagrees with you. This comes naturally to people like me who possess superior intelligence and unmatched wit. However, if you’re an averagé civilian, use the following techniques to ensure you are victorious each and every time you debate online.

You may believe that the interwebs are for connecting with old friends, keeping up with your out-of-town family members, or something else equally ridiculous. If so, you are a naïve fool. All the intellectual elites know that the interwebs are for destroying everyone who disagrees with you. This comes naturally to people like me who possess superior intelligence and unmatched wit. However, if you’re an averagé civilian, use the following techniques to ensure you are victorious each and every time you debate online.

1) Use your grammar gun and spelling sword

The first rule of online arguments is that the first person to make a typo loses. The content is irrelevant – if they used “there” instead of “their,” it’s over. Just say, “You mean ‘their’? Lolz, you’re an uneducated buffoon.” BOOM, you win!

2) Abruptly become too mature and busy for the argument

It’s very important you don’t let your opponent get the upper hand. If they start sounding pretty smart and convincing, spontaneously evolve into a mature, working person who does not have time for this nonsense. Make a witty remark about how they must not have a job and exit the conversation with a beautifully crafted spirit of condescension.

3) Name-call them into submission

Poop_Emoji — If short on time, you can always just leave this poop emoji instead of spelling out “poophead”

A timeless online debate technique is to reach deep to your middle school roots and start calling your opponent names. “Libtard” is a great go-to if you’re a conservative arguing with a liberal, and “Ignorant fascist” is an all-purpose name for most conservatives. If it isn’t political, you can never go wrong with “poophead.”

4) Use links and memes instead of your own words

Don’t get suckered into spending a lot of time formulating intelligent arguments. I highly recommend posting links to multiple, lengthy articles in response to your opponents comments. This is brilliant because it makes you look like you are backed by legit data. Plus, there’s a 99% chance no one will actually read the links. Seriously, I once cowed an opponent into silence by rapidly posting 5 links to recipes for different variations of whoopie pies. Memes are also particularly useful. I mean, who can argue against the condescending Willy Wonka?

5) Flood them with a tsunami of words

If all else fails, just make all your comments exceed 1,200 words. The key is to basically drown your opponent with a flood of words that even the most patient of interweb users could never bear to read through and make sense of what you’re saying. This way, no matter how they reply, you can just say “Did you even read my response?” to which they will have to honestly say “no.” And there you go – victory!

There you go! Go get ‘em, little tiger!

DON’T YOU DARE READ THIS WITHOUT LIKING, COMMENTING, OR SHARING, YOU POOPHEAD!!