Why I called off my engagement to John Crist

Dearest readers, it has been a tumultuous few weeks. My courtship with John Crist began slowly, like a lovely, delicate rose unfolding in the enchanted glow of the rising sun. He made me think, he made me laugh. He sent notifications to my YouTube account specifically whenever he uploaded a new video. So intentional! ❤ Even from those hauntingly brief video clips, I was getting delicious tastes of his soul. Then I discovered that our childhoods were so similar that we’re essentially one person in two bodies. We both grew up 1) homeschooled 2) christian 3) in the same metro-area in the southern US 4) with political parents. You may not believe this, but we also have 5) a similar shade of brown hair. Coincidence…? Um, sure —- If God’s divine hand is coincidence!

The tender bud of love really evolved into a mature bloom when he traveled all the way across the country to visit my city. When I went to his comedy show, I could tell he was bewitched by my modest beauty because he gazed longingly in my direction whenever he said the punchline to a joke. I sat there with my hands clasped nervously to my bosom, feeling my heart beating wildly. I also took Desiring God’s online quiz to evaluate relationship compatibility, and we were matched as Ruth and Boaz Compatibility. Huzzah! I proposed to him publicly, and publicly accepted my proposal on his behalf. Yowza! Now the petals of love were blowing wildly in the winds of whirly-twirly romance!

 

But then.. those same petals – once so plump and full of life and energy – fell to the ground and were smushed by the heel of sorrowful reality.

 

 

rose-1226966
Smushed. 😥 (pixabay free image)

 

 

What happened? Well for one, he did nothing to guard my heart. He never once clarified our relationship, or let it progress at a healthy speed (many Christian relationship experts recommend one chaperoned date per month for the first two years). Instead, he sent me video after video after video, letting me fall more and more and more in love with him. I was a helpless victim to his romantic advances.

And then, he betrayed me. I discovered this during a lunch date with my friend Amber. We were both happily chatting about our men, and then we discovered “our men” was one man — John Crist. Apparently, this Casanova had been sending her personal YouTube notifications, too – during the exact same time period.

The final smush to our love-rose came when I discovered that he stole from me. Imagine the pain that lacerated my heart when I saw that he took the humor thesis of one of Galloblog’s about nothing posts and made a meme from it… giving me no credit whatsoever. What made this betrayal especially ironic was that the entire joke centered around sharing memes being an expression of love! I can only use reverse logic then, to conclude that stealing a meme is an expression of .. not even hate.. but indifference! Indifference to our engagement! Our love! Our future little Gallocrists!

 

IMG_20171126_210910
It hurts me to even look at it. Heartless bastard! *throws a random dinner plate*

 

Needless to say, the engagement is off. I plan to roam around the streets of Atlanta aimlessly for the remainder of my brief time here on earth. I will carry with me a smushed rose always, as a symbol of the Smushed Love Rose of John Crist. Once one has loved so deeply.. so wholly, once cannot simply pick up the cracked pottery of one’s life and create a functional life vase.

 

Forever yours in sorrow,

Gallosad 😥

 

— EDITORIAL NOTES —

03/12/2018 9:16 AM EST: It has come to my attention that “is John Crist engaged” is my #1 search term, so I’m guessing if you’re reading this, you are a hopeful fan girl in a deep interwebz investigation to determine if you have a shot with Christianity’s golden boy of comedy. So please note that I wrote this post as an inside joke between me and my friends, and it was never meant to inform the general public about his relationship status. Is John Crist engaged?! For sure no 😉

… btdubs, while you’re here you should read some of my other stuff — like, comment, follow, share, etc… it’s the Christian thing to do 😉 😉 😉

 Stuffz Gallo Likes Episode 1: How John Crist encouraged me to blog with wild abandon

John Crist info page

John Crist v. Trey Kennedy: A fangirl’s guide

 

 

 

 

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19 Comments

  1. This is hysterical.
    FYI, I did NOT find your post after googling whether John is engaged.

    My dad is comedian John Branyan. I don’t know if you’re familiar. But I sent this post to him, and he forwarded it to Crist.

    I’m not saying you’ll be able to rekindle the romance. BUT, I think he at least deserves to know why it ended so abruptly… Let me know if he has anything to say for himself!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh my… O_O that is hilarious! I doubt John has the time to care about my silly writings, but I’m glad that you enjoyed! Thank you for commenting and sending along to your dad! Maybe I could start a social media campaign #winherbackjohn 😉

      Like

  2. Okay there is usually two sides to every story. Maybe you should take that into consideration when “telling your side”. I’m not telling you how to live your life but I’m saying to look how others can perceive this somewhat poetic story of how a relationship ended.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thanks for sharing your story. I do feel for you…. though I also believe in hearing both stories. There’s always 2 sides to a coin….. I sincerely hope and pray that you and John reconciled – not saying continuing in a relationship but reconciled as friends, as both of you are in Christ. Whatever hurt the other person caused, it’s all about forgiveness.
    God bless
    Wilma

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Regardless what happened and what was said, you then, need to let go and forgive as Christ forgives, love him still, as Christ loves him and sees him. 2ndly, and I mean it with love, if you sincerely loved him, you wouldn’t put all of this on media. What was the main reason for you to do so? Truth or not truth. God doesn’t want us to repay evil for evil, and slander others, especially on social media like this, especially His children. What example and Testimony does it leave for others to see Christ? Always ask yourself the question, “what would Jesus do?”
        This is your truth about him. I understand. What is his truth? There’s always 2 sides….
        It will benefit you to talk to your Pastor and his wife, so they can help you work through all of this. God bless, and may you find peace in Him.💓🙏🏻
        Wilma

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Thank you. I read what you said and no matter in which manner you wrote this and who it was originally meant for, I still think what you’ve done was wrong. That’s just my conviction. I do wish you all the best and I pray that you can put all of this behind you and move on with your life. Ultimately man will fail, but Christ will never fail and if He is all you have in life then it’s enough…. nothing and no one in this life can bring you joy and peace like He can.
    God’s blessings☺️🙏🏼
    Wilma

    Like

  5. If you actually DID have a face-to-face relationship with John Crist, and he acted indifferent… heartless, or whatever… did it ever occur to you, he’s probably GAY? Watch his videos… his hand gestures, his vocal intonations, his mannerisms. Ray Boltz played “straight” (married w/ kids) until 2008, so don’t think it’s not possible. 😀

    Like

  6. He has a girlfriend now!!!
    I ran into them last week in Nashville!
    Tried to get a picture but they were talking and I already interrupted to say hi. Felt bad.
    She is beautiful, dark hair!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh snapz!!! It is now your responsibility to go undercover and blow this story wide open! Time to start diggging through some trash ! 🤣🤣🤣 teehee good for him, though.. he must have moved on when I got a boyfriend lololol

      Like

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